What is the problem with this guy?

[Anonymous]

A guy I’ve been messaging for a while wants me to act slutty and dress up like a slut/create a fake Instagram account to post racy photos for random men - not for him. He also wants me to go on wild nights out with his friend and her friends so I can pass out from being drunk and throw up over myself. He thought it was funny that I didn't have any hook ups when I went on nights out. 

He suggests that I join in the same activities as his friend, e.g. attend a talk where I can learn how to sleep with 100 men, and go to a speed dating event for immigrants at a hotel or just generally meet them and get their numbers etc. He also is keen for me to go out with ‘lads lads’, and specifically black guys (he’s white). His previous partner apparently did that and he only seems to be interested in women who want to do that. I’ve said I’m not comfortable with it but he doesn’t respect my boundaries and keeps trying to sell the idea to me. 

He also would talk about his ex GFs for ages, and random women he found attractive/vice versa, or would bring up other women he’d been talking to on the dating app where we connected. I said I don’t like it and asked him multiple times to stop, he said he would but then kept doing it and got annoyed/defensive and said I was oversensitive and that other women have been interested in hearing about his past because it gives them a better idea of him. What is the issue here?

[Sony12]

He's strictly looking to get laid. Guys talk like that to see if women are interested in the idea of having a hook up with him. If not that's fine and both people can quickly move on to other conversations. If she is attracted to the idea then they can potentially meet up for sex. 

The fact that he has gotten you to ask a question about him on a site like this shows he probably is having at least some success with this type of behavior. Women aren't much different then men on dating apps. Once they find someones attractive they don't always think completely straight.

Edited Thursday at 12:58 PM by Sony12

[introverted1]

36 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

What is the issue here?

You.

Why would you continue to message someone who has said/suggested these things?  That's the avenue to explore. 

[ShyViolet]

 

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

What is the issue here?

Who cares what his issue is?  It's not your job to analyze him or figure out what his motivations are.  Obviously you should stop talking to him or seeing him.  I'm not sure why you would even bother making a post about this guy instead of just cutting contact with him and moving on.

[Sony12]

He must be hot.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted other people's opinions on what could be behind the motive to get me to act in this way. He sounded really nice most of the time and portrayed it as "exploring other avenues/a different side of myself". I couldn't understand what the appeal was for him to get me to act slutty and go after other men. I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting etc. I've blocked him now. And yes, he was attractive and seemed interested in me which played a big part of why I stayed in touch for longer than I should have done.

[Sony12]

4 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I just wanted other people's opinions on what could be behind the motive to get me to act in this way. He sounded really nice most of the time and portrayed it as "exploring other avenues/a different side of myself". I couldn't understand what the appeal was for him to get me to act slutty and go after other men. I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting etc. I've blocked him now. And yes, he was attractive and seemed interested in me which played a big part of why I stayed in touch for longer than I should have done.

If you aren't interested in or perhaps are a little offended by people looking for casual sex then online might not be the best avenue to meet people these days. As that is a lot of what you will encounter anymore these days through online apps.

[Anonymous]

3 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

If you aren't interested in or perhaps are a little offended by people looking for casual sex then online might not be the best avenue to meet people these days. As that is a lot of what you will encounter anymore these days through online apps.

True, but he said he was looking for a long term relationship/his life partner, which is also why I stuck around. I guess I fell for it...! I did think to myself it sounded like he wanted a prostitute rather than a girlfriend, and that he sounded like an undercover pimp. 

[Sony12]

10 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

True, but he said he was looking for a long term relationship/his life partner, which is also why I stuck around. I guess I fell for it...! I did think to myself it sounded like he wanted a prostitute rather than a girlfriend, and that he sounded like an undercover pimp. 

Sure if you do the things he wants you to do he would potentially be looking for a long term relationship from you. Generally most of the time when people bring up sex before even meeting each other that is the main thing they are looking for.

[FredEire]

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

A guy I’ve been messaging for a while wants me to act slutty and dress up like a slut/create a fake Instagram account to post racy photos for random men - not for him. He also wants me to go on wild nights out with his friend and her friends so I can pass out from being drunk and throw up over myself. He thought it was funny that I didn't have any hook ups when I went on nights out. 

He suggests that I join in the same activities as his friend, e.g. attend a talk where I can learn how to sleep with 100 men, and go to a speed dating event for immigrants at a hotel or just generally meet them and get their numbers etc. He also is keen for me to go out with ‘lads lads’, and specifically black guys (he’s white). His previous partner apparently did that and he only seems to be interested in women who want to do that. I’ve said I’m not comfortable with it but he doesn’t respect my boundaries and keeps trying to sell the idea to me. 

He also would talk about his ex GFs for ages, and random women he found attractive/vice versa, or would bring up other women he’d been talking to on the dating app where we connected. I said I don’t like it and asked him multiple times to stop, he said he would but then kept doing it and got annoyed/defensive and said I was oversensitive and that other women have been interested in hearing about his past because it gives them a better idea of him. What is the issue here?

It sounds like he is probably a cuck, among other things. As in he enjoys the thought of watching you having sex with other men and by the sound of the stuff about getting blind drunk and sleeping with 100 men, a bit of a sadistic humiliation fetish thrown in.

His kinks don't sound too healthy for you if you go along with them, so sounds like you can probably get away from this guy. If you are a bit kinky yourself find someone where its a bit more mutual and something safe for both participants.

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I just wanted other people's opinions on what could be behind the motive to get me to act in this way. 

When someone isn't respecting your boundaries, saying crazy things to you and won't stop suggesting things that make you uncomfortable, that shouldn't be your cue to turn into an amateur psychologist and try to figure out their motivations.  You end the relationship and cut contact.  Your job is to protect yourself and your boundaries.  

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I just wanted other people's opinions on what could be behind the motive to get me to act in this way. 

I would imagine that the motive is that he enjoys humiliating others.  

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Anonymous said:

What is the issue here?

He's a pimp grooming new girls to work for him. 

Edited yesterday at 03:42 AM by ExpatInItaly

[Alpacalia]

15 hours ago, Anonymous said:

A guy I’ve been messaging for a while wants me to act slutty and dress up like a slut/create a fake Instagram account to post racy photos for random men - not for him. He also wants me to go on wild nights out with his friend and her friends so I can pass out from being drunk and throw up over myself. He thought it was funny that I didn't have any hook ups when I went on nights out. 

He suggests that I join in the same activities as his friend, e.g. attend a talk where I can learn how to sleep with 100 men, and go to a speed dating event for immigrants at a hotel or just generally meet them and get their numbers etc. He also is keen for me to go out with ‘lads lads’, and specifically black guys (he’s white). His previous partner apparently did that and he only seems to be interested in women who want to do that. I’ve said I’m not comfortable with it but he doesn’t respect my boundaries and keeps trying to sell the idea to me. 

He also would talk about his ex GFs for ages, and random women he found attractive/vice versa, or would bring up other women he’d been talking to on the dating app where we connected. I said I don’t like it and asked him multiple times to stop, he said he would but then kept doing it and got annoyed/defensive and said I was oversensitive and that other women have been interested in hearing about his past because it gives them a better idea of him. What is the issue here?

He’s controlling. That’s what’s going on. He has no regard for you. Glad you blocked him. Don't let the appeal of someone being attractive and interested in you make you throw your self-respect out the window.

Edited yesterday at 03:53 AM by Alpacalia

[fleur89]

Thanks everyone for your honesty and thoughts (I'm the OP)

[Sanch62]

On 1/22/2026 at 11:27 AM, Anonymous said:

I just wanted other people's opinions on what could be behind the motive to get me to act in this way.

People who are not sick and twisted don't usually have innate insight into what motivates those who are, except to recognize sick and twisted when they see it--and rUn.

Don't trust strangers, especially ones who hide behind a screen. If you want to meet someone worthy to date, stay within a local radius, keep messaging short and clean, and suggest meeting over a quick coffee in public to check one another out. Anyone who won't do that is seeking free masturbation material, not a relationship, no matter what they 'say'.

[FredEire]

9 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

People who are not sick and twisted don't usually have innate insight into what motivates those who are, except to recognize sick and twisted when they see it--and rUn.

Don't trust strangers, especially ones who hide behind a screen. If you want to meet someone worthy to date, stay within a local radius, keep messaging short and clean, and suggest meeting over a quick coffee in public to check one another out. Anyone who won't do that is seeking free masturbation material, not a relationship, no matter what they 'say'.

I assume OP must be somewhat kinky to even entertain this guy. Anyone whos into traditional dating would be running a mile not thinking about it.

I doesnt sound like whatever her kinks are are the same as his though, or that his are particularly safe or healthy.

[Sony12]

11 hours ago, FredEire said:

I assume OP must be somewhat kinky to even entertain this guy. Anyone whos into traditional dating would be running a mile not thinking about it.

I doesnt sound like whatever her kinks are are the same as his though, or that his are particularly safe or healthy.

That generally is the motive behind the guys who say things like this. They are trying to find women who are pretty kinky and horny themselves. And it's much easier, quicker, and efficient to find these things out through conversations and messages prior to meeting then it is to meet them for a quick coffee without saying much to them beforehand. 

People can say the guys that act this way on apps are nothing but big jerks all they want to but many of those guys get a hell of a lot more attention online from women then guys who are courteous and polite to them. And if they go onto meet the lady will often go to bed with him about twice as quickly as she would have with a guy who approached online dating the way people on this site recommend.

 

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

That generally is the motive behind the guys who say things like this. They are trying to find women who are pretty kinky and horny themselves. And it's much easier, quicker, and efficient to find these things out through conversations and messages prior to meeting then it is to meet them for a quick coffee without saying much to them beforehand. 

People can say the guys that act this way on apps are nothing but big jerks all they want to but many of those guys get a hell of a lot more attention online from women then guys who are courteous and polite to them. And if they go onto meet the lady will often go to bed with him about twice as quickly as she would have with a guy who approached online dating the way people on this site recommend.

 

Well also if a guy's preference is for the girl he's dating to put on a nurse's uniform while a large African gentleman goes to town on her and he sits in the corner, it's better that he makes it known early to the girls who are into it too rather than spending time on the many girls who aren't.

[Sony12]

24 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Well also if a guy's preference is for the girl he's dating to put on a nurse's uniform while a large African gentleman goes to town on her and he sits in the corner, it's better that he makes it known early to the girls who are into it too rather than spending time on the many girls who aren't.

Lol that kind of caught my attention as well that he would have said something to that extent as well. My guess is that either the OP is exaggerating things a bit or the guy wasn't being real serious and was just trying to see how much he could get away with. If he did infact say all the things and was completely serious about it then I do wonder what kind of site the OP is on. Is she on an official swingers or hookup site where people sign up specifically with the intention of making arrangements for sex.

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, Sony12 said:

People can say the guys that act this way on apps are nothing but big jerks all they want to but many of those guys get a hell of a lot more attention online from women then guys who are courteous and polite to them. And if they go onto meet the lady will often go to bed with him about twice as quickly as she would have with a guy who approached online dating the way people on this site recommend.

Right, and exactly why a woman who is seeking a dedicated relationship can simply screen out those guys and focus on finding a man who IS willing to meet her in public.

This isn't about making anyone 'wrong' or 'bad,' it's about each person finding the right match for their own agenda. So the same advice doesn't apply to all people. Women who seek loyal relationships but believe that sex-talk must be typical of 'all men' haven't learned to screen those guys out yet. Women who are into casual sex-play don't need to screen them out. 

[fleur89]

Ok for the record, I have not exaggerated any aspect of what I’ve said in the original question. I connected with the guy on Match.com - he seemed very normal and nice on the surface and said he was looking for a long term relationship. He was attractive and we had a lot in common, which is why I kept being interested in him and I guess I was a bit too infatuated to not just give myself a wake up call of why he was asking me to do all those kinds of things. 
 

Another thing was that soon after we connected, he told me about his personal trainer who was a really hench black guy and suddenly this same guy found my profile on Match and got in touch with me too. The original guy I was talking to and his friend also kept wanting me to go out with random men they knew and I would get texts out of the blue from men who they’d passed my number onto without my consent. I did block these people more than once but they would change their number and keep getting in touch again. 
 

The other thing I should add is that I’m the complete opposite of kinky and haven’t had many relationships - I’m wanting to meet the right person and settle down. Everything else about this guy matched what I was looking for which is why I tried to ignore the dodgy aspects of him. I also didn’t ever do what he wanted me to and kept saying over and over that I didn’t want to but he kept pushing my boundaries. He made it sound normal and mentioned women who knew who did it.  

[Sony12]

8 minutes ago, fleur89 said:

Ok for the record, I have not exaggerated any aspect of what I’ve said in the original question. I connected with the guy on Match.com - he seemed very normal and nice on the surface and said he was looking for a long term relationship. He was attractive and we had a lot in common, which is why I kept being interested in him and I guess I was a bit too infatuated to not just give myself a wake up call of why he was asking me to do all those kinds of things. 
 

Another thing was that soon after we connected, he told me about his personal trainer who was a really hench black guy and suddenly this same guy found my profile on Match and got in touch with me too. The original guy I was talking to and his friend also kept wanting me to go out with random men they knew and I would get texts out of the blue from men who they’d passed my number onto without my consent. I did block these people more than once but they would change their number and keep getting in touch again. 
 

The other thing I should add is that I’m the complete opposite of kinky and haven’t had many relationships - I’m wanting to meet the right person and settle down. Everything else about this guy matched what I was looking for which is why I tried to ignore the dodgy aspects of him. I also didn’t ever do what he wanted me to and kept saying over and over that I didn’t want to but he kept pushing my boundaries. He made it sound normal and mentioned women who knew who did it.  

If other people the guy said he was associated with started contacting you as well chances are you were talking to a scammer and that they were all the same individual. And that individual wasn't any of the pictures you were looking at.

[Sony12]

50 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

 

This isn't about making anyone 'wrong' or 'bad,' it's about each person finding the right match for their own agenda. So the same advice doesn't apply to all people. Women who seek loyal relationships but believe that sex-talk must be typical of 'all men' haven't learned to screen those guys out yet. Women who are into casual sex-play don't need to screen them out. 

Definitely. The problem though is is that often times those guys are a lot more charismatic and usually better looking then the men who are going to be willing to offer more will be. So what often happens is women are talking to those guys instead of the guys they should be talking to because they are simply more exciting.