How to control jealousy that could ruin everything?

[JazzDancer]

How do people deal with jealousy?

I’ve been with my bf for a year and 9 months now. I’m so happy we’re together, he’s such a wonderful person and treats me so well. The thing is that he is hot and so everyone looks and so many times women blatantly flirt with him. Yes of course I was one of those but now we’re together I notice it so much. It’s literally everywhere we go, even the courier that regularly drops parcels at his place rings the doorbell to give them direct to him and I’ve watched through the window and she is so flirting with him. Everyone tells me I should take it as a compliment because despite all of those he chose me and continues to choose me. That makes sense but I really struggle with it.

I just triggered again last week. We were picking up a pair of glasses for him and I was sitting on the other side of the shop because where you try them on only has one chair. The woman on the desk next to him was almost groping him. Now yeah I’m exaggerating, but she was definitely flirting with him, she was like “oh wow, those glasses look great on you”, “I’d definitely turn around and stare if you walked past” and she was laughing with him and flicking her hair. Anyone looking knew exactly what she was doing. He motioned for me to come over and kissed me and then she backed right off but I still couldn’t control my jealousy and then we’re fighting.

I’m scared I’m going to push him away but I don’t know what to do. He says it hurts that I don’t love him enough to trust him. But I do trust him, I have no doubt he’s faithful but it still feels uncomfortable that other woman flirt with him and then the jealousy is all consuming. I know he can’t control it and he does seem to actively shut it down when it happens but something in my brain just sees the flirting and it’s not until sometimes days later that I manage to get myself to see what really happened.

It must be hard for him, I’m not making it easy, but I literally have no control over it. I have just booked with a therapist but can’t see them for two weeks. He cried and hugged me so tight when I told him, he told me he’s never felt for anyone the way he feels for me but he can’t keep going the way we have been.

In the meantime, any advice, videos to watch, books to read, anything. Please help before I ruin this.

[Gebidozo]

I used to suffer from intense, I’d even say pathological jealousy. I could possibly give you a few advices. But in the end, you have to understand that you are the only one who can stop that.

Try to follow these steps:

1) Realize the danger. Understand that you’ll lose your boyfriend if you keep being jealous. Really understand that. Don’t think he might leave; he will leave. Unless you stop it ASAP.

2) Believe that you can stop. It is in your power. You aren’t cursed. If this is a disease, it can be cured.

3) Understand the mentality behind your jealousy. It’s your insecurity. Your lack of self love. You aren’t confident enough to think that your boyfriend isn’t interested in other women. The rational part of your mind knows that, but the irrational part has succumbed to your fear.

4) Therefore, the most important thing here is to restore your sense of self worth. Of course, therapy would be the best course of action here. Try to figure out what caused you to subconsciously believe that you aren’t as good as other women. Has anyone criticized you too much in the past, shattering your confidence? Or, on the contrary, were you emotionally spoiled, causing you to become possessive and controlling while knowing deep down that it’s a weakness (that was my case)?

5) Your boyfriend is right, mistrust is a sign of lack of love. Try to love your boyfriend more. Fight your jealousy like the evil enemy it is. Mobilize all your mental power for that.

6) Remind yourself that there are things you cannot change. A small, yet healthy dose of stoic fatalism can be a good remedy. If your boyfriend wants to cheat, he will cheat. You won’t be able to stop him. Jealousy is above all a huge waste, because that emotion can’t be channeled into anything constructive, it can only destroy. Relax and have some compassion for yourself, start enjoying your life and stop being tortured by thoughts of things you can’t control anyway.

[ShyViolet]

It doesn't matter if other women flirt with him.... let them try all they want.  No one can control other people.  The only thing that matters is whether you trust him completely not to participate in this flirting himself.  Does he encourage the flirting and sort of invite it, or does he shut it down and ignore it?  If it's the latter, then there is no problem and you need to accept the fact that you can't control the rest of the world, the only thing you can control is whether you choose to be with a partner that you 100% trust and that you don't have a reason to think would engage in the flirting himself.

[flitzanu]

the two examples you just gave are people that are in customer service oriented jobs that acted nice toward your boyfriend.  that doesn't even suggest flirting more than they are doing their job and being friendly.

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, I'm a guy and I am outgoing and say good things about the male and female (and non-binary) baristas I encounter at my local coffee shop. I ask them questions. I ask them about their weekends, upcoming and past. I ask about their families. I do this with the entire crew, morning and afternoon. Yes, slightly more with women.

I am not flirting. Not even close. 

I'm a good small-talker. I'm a former reporter and I am a trained listener who knows how to ask questions that often make the other person feel seen.  

I think you define any interaction as flirting. Any time a woman says boo to your man, you think it's flirting. 

What to do? If you are serious, get to therapy. There is some deep insecurity going on. So strong that you can’t stop it even as you know it’s going to destroy a relationship you want. 

The alternative is to break up with him. I'm not being sarcastic when I say this because if you continue you WILL drive him away. I had a super jealous partner once and after a while, I didn't want to sleep with her. Her insecurity was suffocating. Attraction requires some distance so that the two people can come together. 

Question: is this the first time you've had this fear when dating? My bet is no. 

 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 hours ago, JazzDancer said:

He motioned for me to come over and kissed me and then she backed right off but I still couldn’t control my jealousy and then we’re fighting.

About what, exactly? What made you angry about his reaction? 

20 hours ago, JazzDancer said:

But I do trust him,

You definitely don't, if you're picking fights over this. 

20 hours ago, JazzDancer said:

I’m scared I’m going to push him away

And you will. People only put up with this sort of thing for so long before they get tired of the drama. It's also a real turn-off and will eventually kill his attraction to you. 

20 hours ago, JazzDancer said:

I’m not making it easy, but I literally have no control over it.

You might not have any control over your feelings, but you absolutely do have control over how you respond to them. It's your response (causing drama) that is eroding the relationship, which your boyfriend has already warned you about. 

 

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, JazzDancer said:

How do people deal with jealousy?

I’ve been with my bf for a year and 9 months now. I’m so happy we’re together, he’s such a wonderful person and treats me so well. The thing is that he is hot and so everyone looks and so many times women blatantly flirt with him. Yes of course I was one of those but now we’re together I notice it so much. It’s literally everywhere we go, even the courier that regularly drops parcels at his place rings the doorbell to give them direct to him and I’ve watched through the window and she is so flirting with him. Everyone tells me I should take it as a compliment because despite all of those he chose me and continues to choose me. That makes sense but I really struggle with it.

I just triggered again last week. We were picking up a pair of glasses for him and I was sitting on the other side of the shop because where you try them on only has one chair. The woman on the desk next to him was almost groping him. Now yeah I’m exaggerating, but she was definitely flirting with him, she was like “oh wow, those glasses look great on you”, “I’d definitely turn around and stare if you walked past” and she was laughing with him and flicking her hair. Anyone looking knew exactly what she was doing. He motioned for me to come over and kissed me and then she backed right off but I still couldn’t control my jealousy and then we’re fighting.

I’m scared I’m going to push him away but I don’t know what to do. He says it hurts that I don’t love him enough to trust him. But I do trust him, I have no doubt he’s faithful but it still feels uncomfortable that other woman flirt with him and then the jealousy is all consuming. I know he can’t control it and he does seem to actively shut it down when it happens but something in my brain just sees the flirting and it’s not until sometimes days later that I manage to get myself to see what really happened.

It must be hard for him, I’m not making it easy, but I literally have no control over it. I have just booked with a therapist but can’t see them for two weeks. He cried and hugged me so tight when I told him, he told me he’s never felt for anyone the way he feels for me but he can’t keep going the way we have been.

In the meantime, any advice, videos to watch, books to read, anything. Please help before I ruin this.

Unfortunately, when you date really attractive people there is always going to be extra attention and either you get on board with it or find someone that doesn't instill this much insecurity.

[JazzDancer]

10 hours ago, flitzanu said:

the two examples you just gave are people that are in customer service oriented jobs that acted nice toward your boyfriend.  that doesn't even suggest flirting more than they are doing their job and being friendly.

The woman at the optometrist was another customer, not the one serving my bf. 

[JazzDancer]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I think you define any interaction as flirting. Any time a woman says boo to your man, you think it's flirting. 

I don't think that. I probably overreact too much but telling someone that you would turn around and check them out if you walked past them is flirting, you are telling them you think they're attractive. If it was that alone maybe it's okay but it was more than that. Look I know I react too easily at times but this example with the glasses was 100% her flirting. I get that I should feel good that she think my man is a bit of alright but I just get jealous. That's my struggle.

[JazzDancer]

47 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You might not have any control over your feelings, but you absolutely do have control over how you respond to them. It's your response (causing drama) that is eroding the relationship, which your boyfriend has already warned you about. 

I wish I did have control. It's easy to say. Not so easy to do. At least for me. But I am working on it, I know it's my issue.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, JazzDancer said:

I wish I did have control. It's easy to say. Not so easy to do. At least for me. But I am working on it, I know it's my issue.

You don't have control over picking fights with him as a response to your jealousy? I don't buy that. My guess is that you don't pick fights with him in front of other people, for example. 

Do you? 

[JazzDancer]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You don't have control over picking fights with him as a response to your jealousy? I don't buy that. My guess is that you don't pick fights with him in front of other people, for example. 

Do you? 

Allow me to give an example.

Someone flirts with him and it gets to me. I go quiet. He keeps asking what is wrong. I tell him he knows what is wrong and just let me deal with it. He tells me to snap out of it. I say I wish I could. I tell him I love him and to please just let me work through this. He keeps prodding. I DON"T want to fight so I grab my board and go surfing. I come home and I've calmed down.

I am not fighting with him, I am not picking a fight, it's more fighting with myself to be a better person for myself and for him. He says he understands and is willing to work with me but still sometimes thinks I'm fighting with him. I don't know what it is but I wish whatever it is in my head wasn't broken because it's not fun for me either.