How to control jealousy that could ruin everything?

[JazzDancer]

How do people deal with jealousy?

I’ve been with my bf for a year and 9 months now. I’m so happy we’re together, he’s such a wonderful person and treats me so well. The thing is that he is hot and so everyone looks and so many times women blatantly flirt with him. Yes of course I was one of those but now we’re together I notice it so much. It’s literally everywhere we go, even the courier that regularly drops parcels at his place rings the doorbell to give them direct to him and I’ve watched through the window and she is so flirting with him. Everyone tells me I should take it as a compliment because despite all of those he chose me and continues to choose me. That makes sense but I really struggle with it.

I just triggered again last week. We were picking up a pair of glasses for him and I was sitting on the other side of the shop because where you try them on only has one chair. The woman on the desk next to him was almost groping him. Now yeah I’m exaggerating, but she was definitely flirting with him, she was like “oh wow, those glasses look great on you”, “I’d definitely turn around and stare if you walked past” and she was laughing with him and flicking her hair. Anyone looking knew exactly what she was doing. He motioned for me to come over and kissed me and then she backed right off but I still couldn’t control my jealousy and then we’re fighting.

I’m scared I’m going to push him away but I don’t know what to do. He says it hurts that I don’t love him enough to trust him. But I do trust him, I have no doubt he’s faithful but it still feels uncomfortable that other woman flirt with him and then the jealousy is all consuming. I know he can’t control it and he does seem to actively shut it down when it happens but something in my brain just sees the flirting and it’s not until sometimes days later that I manage to get myself to see what really happened.

It must be hard for him, I’m not making it easy, but I literally have no control over it. I have just booked with a therapist but can’t see them for two weeks. He cried and hugged me so tight when I told him, he told me he’s never felt for anyone the way he feels for me but he can’t keep going the way we have been.

In the meantime, any advice, videos to watch, books to read, anything. Please help before I ruin this.

[Gebidozo]

I used to suffer from intense, I’d even say pathological jealousy. I could possibly give you a few advices. But in the end, you have to understand that you are the only one who can stop that.

Try to follow these steps:

1) Realize the danger. Understand that you’ll lose your boyfriend if you keep being jealous. Really understand that. Don’t think he might leave; he will leave. Unless you stop it ASAP.

2) Believe that you can stop. It is in your power. You aren’t cursed. If this is a disease, it can be cured.

3) Understand the mentality behind your jealousy. It’s your insecurity. Your lack of self love. You aren’t confident enough to think that your boyfriend isn’t interested in other women. The rational part of your mind knows that, but the irrational part has succumbed to your fear.

4) Therefore, the most important thing here is to restore your sense of self worth. Of course, therapy would be the best course of action here. Try to figure out what caused you to subconsciously believe that you aren’t as good as other women. Has anyone criticized you too much in the past, shattering your confidence? Or, on the contrary, were you emotionally spoiled, causing you to become possessive and controlling while knowing deep down that it’s a weakness (that was my case)?

5) Your boyfriend is right, mistrust is a sign of lack of love. Try to love your boyfriend more. Fight your jealousy like the evil enemy it is. Mobilize all your mental power for that.

6) Remind yourself that there are things you cannot change. A small, yet healthy dose of stoic fatalism can be a good remedy. If your boyfriend wants to cheat, he will cheat. You won’t be able to stop him. Jealousy is above all a huge waste, because that emotion can’t be channeled into anything constructive, it can only destroy. Relax and have some compassion for yourself, start enjoying your life and stop being tortured by thoughts of things you can’t control anyway.

[ShyViolet]

It doesn't matter if other women flirt with him.... let them try all they want.  No one can control other people.  The only thing that matters is whether you trust him completely not to participate in this flirting himself.  Does he encourage the flirting and sort of invite it, or does he shut it down and ignore it?  If it's the latter, then there is no problem and you need to accept the fact that you can't control the rest of the world, the only thing you can control is whether you choose to be with a partner that you 100% trust and that you don't have a reason to think would engage in the flirting himself.