was i right to refuse to bail my daughter out of a saturday detention so she could attend a party ?

[sally1234]

MY 15 year old daughter goes to a good but strict school, last friday she had an after school detention for bad behavour, she decided to skip it to go bowling with her friends, sadly for her the schools detention policy says that any student missing a detention will automatically go into a 4hour 30 minute satuday detention, last night she brought home the satuday detention letter, that was sent from her head of year, i must admit its VERY stict the satuday detention starts at 8:45 am all students must wear full school uniform , white shirt school tie black skirt and black blazer, they have been told their school uniform MUST be worn smartly shirt ironed, collar done up tie neat, and blazer buttoned up, they will then spend 2 hours sitting at their desks and told to write an essay on why they are being punished, then a 15 minute break, then back to their desks for another 2 hours, this time they have learned from satuday detention.

Now here comes the problem, the only way a student can get a satuday detention put off is for a parent to write a covering letter, it can only be for doctors appointments weddings etc, well this coming satuday is my daughters friends 16th birthday party and its at a theme park, my daughter took for granted that i would lie to get her out of it, i have refused saying its her own fault she got a satuday detention, and she should of thought about that before she skipped the reguler detention, as you can imagine my daughter is sulking, both my husband and my other daughter who is  21 fully support me saying that she deserves to be punished, i just want to know what other parents think ? am i doing the right thing ? please be honest ?

[ShyViolet]

I think she needs to fully feel the consequences of her actions.  Getting her out of this would send a really bad message.  If she didn't want to get detention then she should have thought about that before misbehaving in school.  You shouldn't get her out of this.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't lie for her. Lying for her would really teach her a horrible lesson.

Sitting somewhere for four hours ain't gonna kill her. Can she bring a book? It'd be great if they ban her from scrolling on her phone for that time so she can do something more meaningful.

Lying for her REALLY teaches her she can and will get her way and pay no consequences even when she flagrantly violates a rule. It teaches her spoiled entitlement that her parents SHOULD cover for her. I can't tell you how twisted that is. And that attitude can easily get her into major major---far worse--trouble later in life. 

Now, if you were living in some cruel dictatorship that randomly picked up your daughter and had a reputation of torturing people and disappearing people, sure, the rules of good parenting are different.  But the school isn't a cruel dictatorship. It has a policy, it announced the policy. I'm not hearing that your daughter protested the policy. She just wants to be able to violate it at her whim.

The tension you will have with her will pay off in the long term. She'll come around. One of my best friends growing up was incredibly tight with his mom, who NEVER set limits on him. It was almost like she was in love with him (I know that sounds strange). Well this guy ended up in jail for a serious felony. I mean my friend was so talented and went to great schools. Ever since he landed in jail, I have been quietly thinking about how he ended up there. We used to make fun (among ourselves) of people who committed violent crimes.  But he was never forced to pay for violating a limit. 

I know it sounds alarmist, but people often wonder how could a "good" person steal money, cheat when they grew up in a good family. Well when that person has always gotten away with cheating and scamming, they keep cheating and scamming. And by the way, one lesson of this situation is that the punishment ain't killer. It's not going to kill her. She might see a friend there and they have a good time. Who knows? 

You are doing her no favors to lie for her. Oh when YOU lie for her, deep down she will lose moral respect for YOU! 

[sally1234]

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I think she needs to fully feel the consequences of her actions.  Getting her out of this would send a really bad message.  If she didn't want to get detention then she should have thought about that before misbehaving in school.  You shouldn't get her out of this.

thank you wasnt sure if any parents would back me up, the main thing that makes me angry is she took it for granted that i would bail her out, i what sort of message does it send if i lie in writing so she can escape punishment, i know she has been looking forward to the party, but because of her poor behavour she cannot go and must serve her satuday detention, i know its a harsh punishment but she must learn. As today is only a wednesday i have another 2 days of my daughter whining and begging me to get her out of her punishment ?

[sally1234]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Don't lie for her. Lying for her would really teach her a horrible lesson.

Sitting somewhere for four hours ain't gonna kill her. Can she bring a book? It'd be great if they ban her from scrolling on her phone for that time so she can do something more meaningful.

Lying for her REALLY teaches her she can and will get her way and pay no consequences even when she flagrantly violates a rule. It teaches her spoiled entitlement that her parents SHOULD cover for her. I can't tell you how twisted that is. And that attitude can easily get her into major major---far worse--trouble later in life. 

Now, if you were living in some cruel dictatorship that randomly picked up your daughter and had a reputation of torturing people and disappearing people, sure, the rules of good parenting are different.  But the school isn't a cruel dictatorship. It has a policy, it announced the policy. I'm not hearing that your daughter protested the policy. She just wants to be able to violate it at her whim.

The tension you will have with her will pay off in the long term. She'll come around. One of my best friends growing up was incredibly tight with his mom, who NEVER set limits on him. It was almost like she was in love with him (I know that sounds strange). Well this guy ended up in jail for a serious felony. I mean my friend was so talented and went to great schools. Ever since he landed in jail, I have been quietly thinking about how he ended up there. We used to make fun (among ourselves) of people who committed violent crimes.  But he was never forced to pay for violating a limit. 

I know it sounds alarmist, but people often wonder how could a "good" person steal money, cheat when they grew up in a good family. Well when that person has always gotten away with cheating and scamming, they keep cheating and scamming. And by the way, one lesson of this situation is that the punishment ain't killer. It's not going to kill her. She might see a friend there and they have a good time. Who knows? 

You are doing her no favors to lie for her. Oh when YOU lie for her, deep down she will lose moral respect for YOU! 

I must admit her satuirday detention is going to be a harsh punishment, we live in england so my daughter must wear full school uniform , white shirt, tie , black blazer and black skirt, its says all punished students MUST be smartly dressed for saturday detention, collars done up tie neat , shirt ironed blazer buttoned up and black school shoes polished, they will then sit at their desks in TOTAL silence no phones etc, all students while then write an essay on why they are being punished, after 2 hours they get a 15 minute break , then back to their desks for another 2 hours, this time they must write an essay on what they have learned from saturday detention, i FULLY support my daughters school with these strict and harsh punishments, the school gets excellent exam results, there is very little bullying and the students are well behaved, in the long term i think my daughter will benifit from these strict rules and punishments do you agree ?

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you generally struggle with your daughter being upset with you? 

You seem to be very unsure of your own choices here. 

[sally1234]

45 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you generally struggle with your daughter being upset with you? 

You seem to be very unsure of your own choices here. 

not really my daughter is quite well behaved and she works hard at school, i had a chat or lecture with her last night, i said to her i cant understand why she skipped the normal detention as she knew it would lead to a satuday detention, she said it was a spur of the moment thing, all her friends were going bowling, and she didnt want to be detained , she got it into her head that no one would notice and she would escape punishment.

I explained that skipping a detention is NOT acceptable and now she must pay by missing the party to attend the detention, i said that is the punishment, as you can expect my daughter is not happy she has just found out she still has to serve the original 1 hour 30 minute detention this friday then back to school on the satuday to serve her other detention, i have to listen to another 2 or 3 days of her begging me to lie for her to get her out of it, i am refusing, i have also warned her i may impose my own punishment yet, i have told her that after her detention on friday evening she will NOT be going out she will stay in , and iron her school shirt, i believe i am doing the right thing i just want other parents opinions please ?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, sally1234 said:

i believe i am doing the right thing i just want other parents opinions please ?

What I am really asking is: what's makig you doubt yourself on this?

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, sally1234 said:

i believe i am doing the right thing i just want other parents opinions please ?

How many more people do you need to hear from?  Everyone so far has said you are doing the right thing, which I hope you know in any case.

You should calmly let your daughter know that she will be serving her Saturday detention and then don't engage any further on this topic.  The fact that she is continuing to whine and beg tells me she has used this tactic before successfully.  Nip that in the bud. 

[sally1234]

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

How many more people do you need to hear from?  Everyone so far has said you are doing the right thing, which I hope you know in any case.

You should calmly let your daughter know that she will be serving her Saturday detention and then don't engage any further on this topic.  The fact that she is continuing to whine and beg tells me she has used this tactic before successfully.  Nip that in the bud. 

yes you are right she was managed to get her own way in the past, but i have told her this time she WILL be serving her satuday detention, and she will NOT be attending the party , i have explained to hear that that is her punishment for skipping a detention for no reason

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, sally1234 said:

i have to listen to another 2 or 3 days of her begging me to lie for her to get her out of it, i am refusing, i have also warned her i may impose my own punishment yet, 

I am actually not a parent but I'm a teacher.  This is the part where it's important to have a backbone.  You don't let a kid whine at you for 2 or 3 days.  She should have learned long ago that whining and throwing a tantrum will not get her what she wants.  If a kid didn't cut out the whining and asking for the same thing repeatedly I would give them another consequence just for that.  You don't listen to a kid whine for 2-3 days.  She should already figure out way before that, that it's not going to work.

[sally1234]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What I am really asking is: what's makig you doubt yourself on this?

i dont know really everyone on this site supports me, i have told my daughter that she MUST and WILL be serving her saturday detention this saturday, and she will not be attending the theme park party, i have told her its her own fault she is being punished, you cannot just miss a detention for no reason and expect to escape punishment, what is making things worse is my other 2 daughters are also invited to the party this saturday and they are obviously teasing her about her saturday detention and winding her up about how cool the party will be, this is of course making things difficult ?

[sally1234]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I am actually not a parent but I'm a teacher.  This is the part where it's important to have a backbone.  You don't let a kid whine at you for 2 or 3 days.  She should have learned long ago that whining and throwing a tantrum will not get her what she wants.  If a kid didn't cut out the whining and asking for the same thing repeatedly I would give them another consequence just for that.  You don't listen to a kid whine for 2-3 days.  She should already figure out way before that, that it's not going to work.

, i have told my daughter that she MUST and WILL be serving her saturday detention this saturday, and she will not be attending the theme park party, i have told her its her own fault she is being punished, you cannot just miss a detention for no reason and expect to escape punishment, what is making things worse is my other 2 daughters are also invited to the party this saturday and they are obviously teasing her about her saturday detention and winding her up about how cool the party will be, this is of course making things difficult , i have also told my daughter i may impose my own punishment, i have a good mind to pick her up from her saturday detention and walk her around the shops in her school uniform , she wont like that that ?