was i right to refuse to bail my daughter out of a saturday detention so she could attend a party ?

[sally1234]

MY 15 year old daughter goes to a good but strict school, last friday she had an after school detention for bad behavour, she decided to skip it to go bowling with her friends, sadly for her the schools detention policy says that any student missing a detention will automatically go into a 4hour 30 minute satuday detention, last night she brought home the satuday detention letter, that was sent from her head of year, i must admit its VERY stict the satuday detention starts at 8:45 am all students must wear full school uniform , white shirt school tie black skirt and black blazer, they have been told their school uniform MUST be worn smartly shirt ironed, collar done up tie neat, and blazer buttoned up, they will then spend 2 hours sitting at their desks and told to write an essay on why they are being punished, then a 15 minute break, then back to their desks for another 2 hours, this time they have learned from satuday detention.

Now here comes the problem, the only way a student can get a satuday detention put off is for a parent to write a covering letter, it can only be for doctors appointments weddings etc, well this coming satuday is my daughters friends 16th birthday party and its at a theme park, my daughter took for granted that i would lie to get her out of it, i have refused saying its her own fault she got a satuday detention, and she should of thought about that before she skipped the reguler detention, as you can imagine my daughter is sulking, both my husband and my other daughter who is  21 fully support me saying that she deserves to be punished, i just want to know what other parents think ? am i doing the right thing ? please be honest ?

[ShyViolet]

I think she needs to fully feel the consequences of her actions.  Getting her out of this would send a really bad message.  If she didn't want to get detention then she should have thought about that before misbehaving in school.  You shouldn't get her out of this.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't lie for her. Lying for her would really teach her a horrible lesson.

Sitting somewhere for four hours ain't gonna kill her. Can she bring a book? It'd be great if they ban her from scrolling on her phone for that time so she can do something more meaningful.

Lying for her REALLY teaches her she can and will get her way and pay no consequences even when she flagrantly violates a rule. It teaches her spoiled entitlement that her parents SHOULD cover for her. I can't tell you how twisted that is. And that attitude can easily get her into major major---far worse--trouble later in life. 

Now, if you were living in some cruel dictatorship that randomly picked up your daughter and had a reputation of torturing people and disappearing people, sure, the rules of good parenting are different.  But the school isn't a cruel dictatorship. It has a policy, it announced the policy. I'm not hearing that your daughter protested the policy. She just wants to be able to violate it at her whim.

The tension you will have with her will pay off in the long term. She'll come around. One of my best friends growing up was incredibly tight with his mom, who NEVER set limits on him. It was almost like she was in love with him (I know that sounds strange). Well this guy ended up in jail for a serious felony. I mean my friend was so talented and went to great schools. Ever since he landed in jail, I have been quietly thinking about how he ended up there. We used to make fun (among ourselves) of people who committed violent crimes.  But he was never forced to pay for violating a limit. 

I know it sounds alarmist, but people often wonder how could a "good" person steal money, cheat when they grew up in a good family. Well when that person has always gotten away with cheating and scamming, they keep cheating and scamming. And by the way, one lesson of this situation is that the punishment ain't killer. It's not going to kill her. She might see a friend there and they have a good time. Who knows? 

You are doing her no favors to lie for her. Oh when YOU lie for her, deep down she will lose moral respect for YOU! 

[sally1234]

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I think she needs to fully feel the consequences of her actions.  Getting her out of this would send a really bad message.  If she didn't want to get detention then she should have thought about that before misbehaving in school.  You shouldn't get her out of this.

thank you wasnt sure if any parents would back me up, the main thing that makes me angry is she took it for granted that i would bail her out, i what sort of message does it send if i lie in writing so she can escape punishment, i know she has been looking forward to the party, but because of her poor behavour she cannot go and must serve her satuday detention, i know its a harsh punishment but she must learn. As today is only a wednesday i have another 2 days of my daughter whining and begging me to get her out of her punishment ?

[sally1234]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Don't lie for her. Lying for her would really teach her a horrible lesson.

Sitting somewhere for four hours ain't gonna kill her. Can she bring a book? It'd be great if they ban her from scrolling on her phone for that time so she can do something more meaningful.

Lying for her REALLY teaches her she can and will get her way and pay no consequences even when she flagrantly violates a rule. It teaches her spoiled entitlement that her parents SHOULD cover for her. I can't tell you how twisted that is. And that attitude can easily get her into major major---far worse--trouble later in life. 

Now, if you were living in some cruel dictatorship that randomly picked up your daughter and had a reputation of torturing people and disappearing people, sure, the rules of good parenting are different.  But the school isn't a cruel dictatorship. It has a policy, it announced the policy. I'm not hearing that your daughter protested the policy. She just wants to be able to violate it at her whim.

The tension you will have with her will pay off in the long term. She'll come around. One of my best friends growing up was incredibly tight with his mom, who NEVER set limits on him. It was almost like she was in love with him (I know that sounds strange). Well this guy ended up in jail for a serious felony. I mean my friend was so talented and went to great schools. Ever since he landed in jail, I have been quietly thinking about how he ended up there. We used to make fun (among ourselves) of people who committed violent crimes.  But he was never forced to pay for violating a limit. 

I know it sounds alarmist, but people often wonder how could a "good" person steal money, cheat when they grew up in a good family. Well when that person has always gotten away with cheating and scamming, they keep cheating and scamming. And by the way, one lesson of this situation is that the punishment ain't killer. It's not going to kill her. She might see a friend there and they have a good time. Who knows? 

You are doing her no favors to lie for her. Oh when YOU lie for her, deep down she will lose moral respect for YOU! 

I must admit her satuirday detention is going to be a harsh punishment, we live in england so my daughter must wear full school uniform , white shirt, tie , black blazer and black skirt, its says all punished students MUST be smartly dressed for saturday detention, collars done up tie neat , shirt ironed blazer buttoned up and black school shoes polished, they will then sit at their desks in TOTAL silence no phones etc, all students while then write an essay on why they are being punished, after 2 hours they get a 15 minute break , then back to their desks for another 2 hours, this time they must write an essay on what they have learned from saturday detention, i FULLY support my daughters school with these strict and harsh punishments, the school gets excellent exam results, there is very little bullying and the students are well behaved, in the long term i think my daughter will benifit from these strict rules and punishments do you agree ?

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you generally struggle with your daughter being upset with you? 

You seem to be very unsure of your own choices here.