was i right to refuse to bail my daughter out of a saturday detention so she could attend a party ?

January 20

MY 15 year old daughter goes to a good but strict school, last friday she had an after school detention for bad behavour, she decided to skip it to go bowling with her friends, sadly for her the schools detention policy says that any student missing a detention will automatically go into a 4hour 30 minute satuday detention, last night she brought home the satuday detention letter, that was sent from her head of year, i must admit its VERY stict the satuday detention starts at 8:45 am all students must wear full school uniform , white shirt school tie black skirt and black blazer, they have been told their school uniform MUST be worn smartly shirt ironed, collar done up tie neat, and blazer buttoned up, they will then spend 2 hours sitting at their desks and told to write an essay on why they are being punished, then a 15 minute break, then back to their desks for another 2 hours, this time they have learned from satuday detention.

Now here comes the problem, the only way a student can get a satuday detention put off is for a parent to write a covering letter, it can only be for doctors appointments weddings etc, well this coming satuday is my daughters friends 16th birthday party and its at a theme park, my daughter took for granted that i would lie to get her out of it, i have refused saying its her own fault she got a satuday detention, and she should of thought about that before she skipped the reguler detention, as you can imagine my daughter is sulking, both my husband and my other daughter who is 21 fully support me saying that she deserves to be punished, i just want to know what other parents think ? am i doing the right thing ? please be honest ?

January 20

I think she needs to fully feel the consequences of her actions. Getting her out of this would send a really bad message. If she didn't want to get detention then she should have thought about that before misbehaving in school. You shouldn't get her out of this.

January 21

Don't lie for her. Lying for her would really teach her a horrible lesson.

Sitting somewhere for four hours ain't gonna kill her. Can she bring a book? It'd be great if they ban her from scrolling on her phone for that time so she can do something more meaningful.

Lying for her REALLY teaches her she can and will get her way and pay no consequences even when she flagrantly violates a rule. It teaches her spoiled entitlement that her parents SHOULD cover for her. I can't tell you how twisted that is. And that attitude can easily get her into major major---far worse--trouble later in life.

Now, if you were living in some cruel dictatorship that randomly picked up your daughter and had a reputation of torturing people and disappearing people, sure, the rules of good parenting are different. But the school isn't a cruel dictatorship. It has a policy, it announced the policy. I'm not hearing that your daughter protested the policy. She just wants to be able to violate it at her whim.

The tension you will have with her will pay off in the long term. She'll come around. One of my best friends growing up was incredibly tight with his mom, who NEVER set limits on him. It was almost like she was in love with him (I know that sounds strange). Well this guy ended up in jail for a serious felony. I mean my friend was so talented and went to great schools. Ever since he landed in jail, I have been quietly thinking about how he ended up there. We used to make fun (among ourselves) of people who committed violent crimes. But he was never forced to pay for violating a limit.

I know it sounds alarmist, but people often wonder how could a "good" person steal money, cheat when they grew up in a good family. Well when that person has always gotten away with cheating and scamming, they keep cheating and scamming. And by the way, one lesson of this situation is that the punishment ain't killer. It's not going to kill her. She might see a friend there and they have a good time. Who knows?

You are doing her no favors to lie for her. Oh when YOU lie for her, deep down she will lose moral respect for YOU!

January 21

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I think she needs to fully feel the consequences of her actions. Getting her out of this would send a really bad message. If she didn't want to get detention then she should have thought about that before misbehaving in school. You shouldn't get her out of this.

thank you wasnt sure if any parents would back me up, the main thing that makes me angry is she took it for granted that i would bail her out, i what sort of message does it send if i lie in writing so she can escape punishment, i know she has been looking forward to the party, but because of her poor behavour she cannot go and must serve her satuday detention, i know its a harsh punishment but she must learn. As today is only a wednesday i have another 2 days of my daughter whining and begging me to get her out of her punishment ?

January 21

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Don't lie for her. Lying for her would really teach her a horrible lesson.

Sitting somewhere for four hours ain't gonna kill her. Can she bring a book? It'd be great if they ban her from scrolling on her phone for that time so she can do something more meaningful.

Lying for her REALLY teaches her she can and will get her way and pay no consequences even when she flagrantly violates a rule. It teaches her spoiled entitlement that her parents SHOULD cover for her. I can't tell you how twisted that is. And that attitude can easily get her into major major---far worse--trouble later in life.

Now, if you were living in some cruel dictatorship that randomly picked up your daughter and had a reputation of torturing people and disappearing people, sure, the rules of good parenting are different. But the school isn't a cruel dictatorship. It has a policy, it announced the policy. I'm not hearing that your daughter protested the policy. She just wants to be able to violate it at her whim.

The tension you will have with her will pay off in the long term. She'll come around. One of my best friends growing up was incredibly tight with his mom, who NEVER set limits on him. It was almost like she was in love with him (I know that sounds strange). Well this guy ended up in jail for a serious felony. I mean my friend was so talented and went to great schools. Ever since he landed in jail, I have been quietly thinking about how he ended up there. We used to make fun (among ourselves) of people who committed violent crimes. But he was never forced to pay for violating a limit.

I know it sounds alarmist, but people often wonder how could a "good" person steal money, cheat when they grew up in a good family. Well when that person has always gotten away with cheating and scamming, they keep cheating and scamming. And by the way, one lesson of this situation is that the punishment ain't killer. It's not going to kill her. She might see a friend there and they have a good time. Who knows?

You are doing her no favors to lie for her. Oh when YOU lie for her, deep down she will lose moral respect for YOU!

I must admit her satuirday detention is going to be a harsh punishment, we live in england so my daughter must wear full school uniform , white shirt, tie , black blazer and black skirt, its says all punished students MUST be smartly dressed for saturday detention, collars done up tie neat , shirt ironed blazer buttoned up and black school shoes polished, they will then sit at their desks in TOTAL silence no phones etc, all students while then write an essay on why they are being punished, after 2 hours they get a 15 minute break , then back to their desks for another 2 hours, this time they must write an essay on what they have learned from saturday detention, i FULLY support my daughters school with these strict and harsh punishments, the school gets excellent exam results, there is very little bullying and the students are well behaved, in the long term i think my daughter will benifit from these strict rules and punishments do you agree ?

January 21

Do you generally struggle with your daughter being upset with you?

You seem to be very unsure of your own choices here.

January 21

45 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you generally struggle with your daughter being upset with you?

You seem to be very unsure of your own choices here.

not really my daughter is quite well behaved and she works hard at school, i had a chat or lecture with her last night, i said to her i cant understand why she skipped the normal detention as she knew it would lead to a satuday detention, she said it was a spur of the moment thing, all her friends were going bowling, and she didnt want to be detained , she got it into her head that no one would notice and she would escape punishment.

I explained that skipping a detention is NOT acceptable and now she must pay by missing the party to attend the detention, i said that is the punishment, as you can expect my daughter is not happy she has just found out she still has to serve the original 1 hour 30 minute detention this friday then back to school on the satuday to serve her other detention, i have to listen to another 2 or 3 days of her begging me to lie for her to get her out of it, i am refusing, i have also warned her i may impose my own punishment yet, i have told her that after her detention on friday evening she will NOT be going out she will stay in , and iron her school shirt, i believe i am doing the right thing i just want other parents opinions please ?

January 21

2 hours ago, sally1234 said:

i believe i am doing the right thing i just want other parents opinions please ?

What I am really asking is: what's makig you doubt yourself on this?

January 21

2 hours ago, sally1234 said:

i believe i am doing the right thing i just want other parents opinions please ?

How many more people do you need to hear from? Everyone so far has said you are doing the right thing, which I hope you know in any case.

You should calmly let your daughter know that she will be serving her Saturday detention and then don't engage any further on this topic. The fact that she is continuing to whine and beg tells me she has used this tactic before successfully. Nip that in the bud.

January 21

3 hours ago, introverted1 said:

How many more people do you need to hear from? Everyone so far has said you are doing the right thing, which I hope you know in any case.

You should calmly let your daughter know that she will be serving her Saturday detention and then don't engage any further on this topic. The fact that she is continuing to whine and beg tells me she has used this tactic before successfully. Nip that in the bud.

yes you are right she was managed to get her own way in the past, but i have told her this time she WILL be serving her satuday detention, and she will NOT be attending the party , i have explained to hear that that is her punishment for skipping a detention for no reason

January 21

5 hours ago, sally1234 said:

i have to listen to another 2 or 3 days of her begging me to lie for her to get her out of it, i am refusing, i have also warned her i may impose my own punishment yet,

I am actually not a parent but I'm a teacher. This is the part where it's important to have a backbone. You don't let a kid whine at you for 2 or 3 days. She should have learned long ago that whining and throwing a tantrum will not get her what she wants. If a kid didn't cut out the whining and asking for the same thing repeatedly I would give them another consequence just for that. You don't listen to a kid whine for 2-3 days. She should already figure out way before that, that it's not going to work.

January 21

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What I am really asking is: what's makig you doubt yourself on this?

i dont know really everyone on this site supports me, i have told my daughter that she MUST and WILL be serving her saturday detention this saturday, and she will not be attending the theme park party, i have told her its her own fault she is being punished, you cannot just miss a detention for no reason and expect to escape punishment, what is making things worse is my other 2 daughters are also invited to the party this saturday and they are obviously teasing her about her saturday detention and winding her up about how cool the party will be, this is of course making things difficult ?

January 21

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I am actually not a parent but I'm a teacher. This is the part where it's important to have a backbone. You don't let a kid whine at you for 2 or 3 days. She should have learned long ago that whining and throwing a tantrum will not get her what she wants. If a kid didn't cut out the whining and asking for the same thing repeatedly I would give them another consequence just for that. You don't listen to a kid whine for 2-3 days. She should already figure out way before that, that it's not going to work.

, i have told my daughter that she MUST and WILL be serving her saturday detention this saturday, and she will not be attending the theme park party, i have told her its her own fault she is being punished, you cannot just miss a detention for no reason and expect to escape punishment, what is making things worse is my other 2 daughters are also invited to the party this saturday and they are obviously teasing her about her saturday detention and winding her up about how cool the party will be, this is of course making things difficult , i have also told my daughter i may impose my own punishment, i have a good mind to pick her up from her saturday detention and walk her around the shops in her school uniform , she wont like that that ?

January 21

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I am actually not a parent but I'm a teacher. This is the part where it's important to have a backbone. You don't let a kid whine at you for 2 or 3 days. She should have learned long ago that whining and throwing a tantrum will not get her what she wants. If a kid didn't cut out the whining and asking for the same thing repeatedly I would give them another consequence just for that. You don't listen to a kid whine for 2-3 days. She should already figure out way before that, that it's not going to work.

I second this. I'd tell her the subject is closed, and if she raises it with me again, I'll tack on my own punishment, like taking her phone away.

I'd reflect on why daughter has gained the notion that lying is okay, and that I'd be willing to do it for her. It sounds like she has learned how to manipulate you, and you've modeled for her that it's easy. Maybe it's been easier for you to give into it rather than buckle down and teach her that she can't always get what she wants?

I'd make it my goal to teach her that lying and manipulating are serious character flaws that will harm her in the real world. I would NOT do this merely by speaking about it, I would make it my resolution to model it and enforce it for her as well.

January 21

22 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

I second this. I'd tell her the subject is closed, and if she raises it with me again, I'll tack on my own punishment, like taking her phone away.

I'd reflect on why daughter has gained the notion that lying is okay, and that I'd be willing to do it for her. It sounds like she has learned how to manipulate you, and you've modeled for her that it's easy. Maybe it's been easier for you to give into it rather than buckle down and teach her that she can't always get what she wants?

I'd make it my goal to teach her that lying and manipulating are serious character flaws that will harm her in the real world. I would NOT do this merely by speaking about it, I would make it my resolution to model it and enforce it for her as well.

i have had a massive row with my daughter this evening she wont leave off about me getting her out of her saturday detention, so now i have taken your advie and imposed my own punishment, i have told her i will be picking her up from her satuday detention, then i am going to take her shopping in her school uniform , when she gets home she will be confined to her room for the rest of the weekend, my daughter says she will sneak out of her room, so i said if necerssary i will lock her in her room ?

January 21

3 hours ago, sally1234 said:

i have also told my daughter i may impose my own punishment, i have a good mind to pick her up from her saturday detention and walk her around the shops in her school uniform

What would be the point of this?

I'm startingn to get the sense that you're now trying to over-compensate for not having the courage to stand the ground with her in the past. Over-doing it in the manner described above is going to make things worse and won't help her respect your authority as a parent.

January 21

12 hours ago, sally1234 said:

we live in england so my daughter must wear full school uniform , white shirt, tie , black blazer and black skirt, its says all punished students MUST be smartly dressed for saturday detention, collars done up tie neat , shirt ironed blazer buttoned up and black school shoes polished,

Okay, so this is like the third time you're describing her school outfit in great detail from head to toe. And the second time you've repeated that you're going to make her walk around shops in this uniform...

I don't understand why you're so fixated on letting us know what exactly she's going to wear to school, and telling us that you're going to be parading her around in it. And honestly? This fixation is kinda giving me the creeps. Are you SURE you're a mom?

Edited January 21 by Els

January 21

Wearing a uniform and writing and reflecting on how she got into trouble is NOT harsh punishment.

Not even close. I am confused that you think wearing a uniform on a Saturday is harsh punishment.

Not ... even ... close ... to being "harsh." Not on the same planet, not the same universe as "harsh."

January 22

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Wearing a uniform and writing and reflecting on how she got into trouble is NOT harsh punishment.

Not even close. I am confused that you think wearing a uniform on a Saturday is harsh punishment.

Not ... even ... close ... to being "harsh." Not on the same planet, not the same universe as "harsh."

Perhaps wearing uniform on a weekend is "harsh" from a child's perspective. It depends on what it implies in their context.

January 22

Her detention could have been a lot worse. Your daughter sounds rebellious…and honestly, that’s not unusual for a 15‑year‑old. At that age they’re testing boundaries, pushing limits, and assuming parents will cushion the consequences.

From everything you’ve described, you’re handling this in a way that’s firm, fair, and consistent. You didn’t punish her out of anger; you simply refused to shield her from a consequence she knowingly created. That’s good parenting. If you had written a fake excuse, you’d be teaching her that rules only matter when they’re convenient, and that you’ll always step in to fix things for her. That’s a lesson that comes back to bite later.

January 22

9 hours ago, Els said:

I don't understand why you're so fixated on letting us know what exactly she's going to wear to school, and telling us that you're going to be parading her around in it. And honestly? This fixation is kinda giving me the creeps. Are you SURE you're a mom?

Glad I'm not the only one wondering about this.

January 22

Yes, the repetition about what she would be wearing is strange. I went to a private school and wore a jacket and tie everyday. Wouldn't have been the least bit humiliating to have to come in on a Saturday in uniform.

Btw: I was punished one time for doing some really foolish with some buddies. We were given a ton of work to do over multiple days on the school grounds. We weren't the least bit humiliated or angry about it. We knew the stunt we had conducted was wrong, and we figured the punishment was totally just. Nothing abusive about it.

January 22

I also don't understand the "humiliation" of having to wear a full school uniform. If I saw someone in full school uniform on a weekend, I'd assume they were a high achiever who was representing the school in an event. That's something to be proud of!

February 12

On 1/20/2026 at 5:58 AM, sally1234 said:

MY 15 year old daughter goes to a good but strict school, last friday she had an after school detention for bad behavour, she decided to skip it to go bowling with her friends, sadly for her the schools detention policy says that any student missing a detention will automatically go into a 4hour 30 minute satuday detention, last night she brought home the satuday detention letter, that was sent from her head of year, i must admit its VERY stict the satuday detention starts at 8:45 am all students must wear full school uniform , white shirt school tie black skirt and black blazer, they have been told their school uniform MUST be worn smartly shirt ironed, collar done up tie neat, and blazer buttoned up, they will then spend 2 hours sitting at their desks and told to write an essay on why they are being punished, then a 15 minute break, then back to their desks for another 2 hours, this time they have learned from satuday detention.

Now here comes the problem, the only way a student can get a satuday detention put off is for a parent to write a covering letter, it can only be for doctors appointments weddings etc, well this coming satuday is my daughters friends 16th birthday party and its at a theme park, my daughter took for granted that i would lie to get her out of it, i have refused saying its her own fault she got a satuday detention, and she should of thought about that before she skipped the reguler detention, as you can imagine my daughter is sulking, both my husband and my other daughter who is 21 fully support me saying that she deserves to be punished, i just want to know what other parents think ? am i doing the right thing ? please be honest ?

You’re absolutely doing the right thing by holding firm on this. Your daughter made a choice to skip her original detention to go bowling, and now she needs to face the natural consequence of that decision - this is exactly how teenagers learn accountability and that actions have consequences. The fact that she assumed you’d lie to get her out of it shows she needs this lesson even more. Missing a birthday party is disappointing, but it’s not the end of the world, and the lesson she learns about personal responsibility and integrity is far more valuable than one afternoon at a theme park. Your daughter will have many more birthday parties to attend, but if you teach her now that rules don’t apply when something fun comes up, or that mom will bail her out when she makes poor choices, you’re setting a harmful precedent for her future. Stand your ground - she’ll be upset now, but she’ll respect you later and hopefully think twice before making similar choices in the future

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was i right to refuse to bail my daughter out of a saturday detention so she could attend a party ?

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