Dont think I’m any good at this marriage thing

[Justme33]

Really really in need of some friendly advice/someone to talk to. Feeling really stressed and making myself ill with worry lately.

I am female 41, and have been married to my husband 44 for 2 and a half years now, together for nearly 9 years. 
 

for a while I’ve been feeling lonely in my marriage- my husband is a good man he works hard and is never bad or mean to me, he’s funny and friendly and an all round good guy. However he is a joker in a big way to the point it feels hard to have a serious conversation with him. I am a person with a lot of feelings and I love to be there for people and am very empathetic and loving but I also do like to have a laugh. I always thought when i got married id have somene who loved me enough to always care about my feelings but my husband can just be so insincere at times . I feel like I have nobody to talk to and as a result feel really lonely in my relationship. There’s been a number of times I have ended up in tears asking him why he won’t be there for me- I’m really worried that when something big happens in life and I need him to be there for me I’m going to be so alone. 
 

he is also not very affectionate at all since we got married and my love language is affection I love kisses and cuddles etc - he does hold my hand and give me the odd kiss through the day but there’s no such thing as the real affectionate, passionate love that I always dreamed of. I’ve tired talking to him about both issues above but I feel like he doesn’t take me seriously and nothing ever changes. I feel really ungrateful as he is great to me in other ways and always buys me gifts etc, which I am so grateful for but I’ve give up all the gifts I ever got if it meant I could just get some cuddles and feel loved in this way. 
 

lately It has hit me how much I must have asked for all this in the past and nothing really changes so I must just seem like a nag. Doesnt he care? He comes from a family who never showed affection or talk about their feelings so maybe that could be a factor. So lately I’ve just given up and started to mentally check out of the relationship. I’ve started going out at night and just sitting reading in my car to get away from everything, and also going upstairs and spending the night away from him most nights as I’d rather just not be there than be an emotional burden . Have also started going out with a friend more at the weekend. I’ve had advances made on me by a few men when out too and it’s hard to not feel flattered when you have to try so hard at home for the basic things. The worst thing is I would dont want to  be doing all this. I just be at home cuddled up in the couch with someone who loves me like I always hoped for. 
 

It’s also starting to affect my health and I’m just  feeling so sad right now and not sure if there’s any hope for the future x

Edited Sunday at 11:44 PM by Justme33

[Gebidozo]

The question here is not whether you’re good or bad at “this marriage thing”. The question is, if you wanted romantic and affectionate love, why did you choose to marry someone who wasn’t romantic or affectionate?

People have very different concepts about what love is. Yours and your husband’s are apparently completely different. I’m not sure why you thought you could change a person into something you want them to be if they weren’t that to begin with. You can’t change him. If your relationship is making you so miserable, you should walk away.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Justme33 said:

he is also not very affectionate at all since we got married

Was it really that different before marriage? 

4 hours ago, Justme33 said:

I’ve started going out at night and just sitting reading in my car to get away from everything, and also going upstairs and spending the night away from him most nights

How long has this been going on? I am sure you can understand why this won't help in bridging the emotional gap between you two. He is unlikely to want to be more affetionate when you are shutting down and effectively shutting him out. Has he asked what is going on? What sort of conversations have you two had since you started pulling away?

5 hours ago, Justme33 said:

I’ve had advances made on me by a few men when out too and it’s hard to not feel flattered when you have to try so hard at home for the basic things.

Be careful here. This can be a very slippery slope towards crossing a line. I think you need to really ask yourself if you want to stay in this marriage. It would be understandable if you don't, since it doesn't sound like a good match, but you won't be able to carry on like this. 

[Justme33]

I’ve been doing these things for a few months now, I have tried and tried to talk but he doesn’t seem interested so I got tired of banging my head off a brick wall and just pulled away. I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do. and since I’ve been pulling away he hasn’t asked what’s wrong.  He just buries his head in the sand I think and throws himself into his work, it’s like maybe he didn’t even see that there is anything wrong. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Justme33 said:

 I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do

Reconsider whether this marriage is right for you. You sound deeply unhappy. 

But again I will ask, was he really that different before marriage? 

13 hours ago, Justme33 said:

he is also not very affectionate at all since we got married

 

[Justme33]

He was definately more affectionate when we were dating but somewhere along the line he became not so much at all and it seems to be since we got married. Just so hard when you’re trying your best to be a great wife.

[Sanch62]

Instead of pulling away as punitive punishment for what you're not getting, which won't resolve anything but will only drill you deeper into a sulk, consider telling him that you've been trying to speak with him about a problem you're having with a lack of affection, and you consider this to be serious enough to either pursue marriage counseling or a separation. You'd like to offer him the option of addressing it with you.

See what he says.

[ShyViolet]

You've already tried talking to him about this and it's getting nowhere.  It sounds like unfortunately he is not going to change, nor is he interested in working on this marriage.  It sounds like he is just as checked out of the marriage as you are.  Life is too short to be this unhappy.  He needs a wake up call to know how serious this is.  Tell him that you want him to go to marriage counseling with you, and if he refuses to do that then the next step will be separation.  You shouldn't waste your life being this unhappy.  Either you both make a genuine effort to work on this marriage, or end it.