Uncertainty

[MsJayne]

11 hours ago, Betty145 said:

How can I lead into this without completely blindsiding her? 

It starts like this..."Can we have a talk about something that's been worrying me?", and then you calmly explain that you care deeply for her but you're not ready to make a lifelong commitment. She'll cry a lot, and you'll feel like an a*****e, but soon enough the conversation will be over and the dust will settle, and you can help her to move out and do whatever she needs to do to re-establish herself. Unsure whether you're male or female, (name suggests female), but if you're a male you need to stop sleeping with her once you've had the conversation, because some women think getting pregnant will change a man's mind about ending a relationship or that it will at least tie her to you via shared parenthood. 

[Nowherenear]

In my country we say "Good is the enemy of better". If someone endlessly thinks they will find better, and better, and better, they will never appreciate the good that's in front of them.

There's a reason marriage is called "settling DOWN".

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Nowherenear said:

In my country we say "Good is the enemy of better".

You probably meant to say “Better is the enemy of good”. Otherwise you’re sort of supporting my point

 

1 hour ago, Nowherenear said:

If someone endlessly thinks they will find better, and better, and better, they will never appreciate the good that's in front of them.

Why would you assume that there is an endless search for better on the OP’s side?

And why would you think that a relationship that doesn’t make the OP happy, which he himself doesn’t see as a future long-term commitment, can qualify as good?

In the context of love, “good” means something more and something different than “being with a good person”. As a bare minimum, ”good” in a romantic relationship requires strong romantic feelings. The OP doesn’t have them towards the person he’s currently with. That would doubtless make him and her miserable if he chooses to stay. What’s the point of encouraging him to do that?

 

1 hour ago, Nowherenear said:

There's a reason marriage is called "settling DOWN".

This is linguistically wrong. “Settling down” simply means “choosing one person to be with”. The “down” part refers to stability, symbolically represented by things standing firmly on the ground, like trees, houses, and so on. It doesn’t have the connotations of “below” or “beneath” in this case. It’s not the same as “marrying down”.

 

Edited Tuesday at 07:19 AM by Gebidozo

[ShyViolet]

6 hours ago, Nowherenear said:

In my country we say "Good is the enemy of better". If someone endlessly thinks they will find better, and better, and better, they will never appreciate the good that's in front of them.

There's a reason marriage is called "settling DOWN".

This is bad advice.  When someone is having serious doubts about a person they should not be even thinking about setting for them, marriage and lifetime commitments.  It's not fair to the other person to string them along like that and enter into a situation that is most certainly going to fall apart when the truth comes out that they never really felt that it was the right fit.

[Betty145]

I’m currently out of town on a work trip and planning to do it later tonight when I get home. I’ve been pulling away slowly through text and what not and I think she’s beginning to think something’s up, Should I text her anything before arriving home or just do it right when I get there?

[Sanch62]

3 hours ago, Betty145 said:

Should I text her anything before arriving home or just do it right when I get there?

Just speak to her when you get home. Text is useless in this scenario.

[Els]

11 hours ago, Nowherenear said:

There's a reason marriage is called "settling DOWN".

Do you even bother looking these things up before spouting them?

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/settle-down says that you are quite wrong.

settle down

phrasal verb with settle verb

(MAKE HOME)

C1

to start living in a place where you intend to stay for a long time, usually with your partner:

B2 (also settle into somewhere)

to become familiar with a place and to feel happy and confident in it

Edited Tuesday at 05:35 PM by Els

[Betty145]

Well I did it. Feeling all sorts of emotions right now, everything from regret, relief, sadness, and loneliness. We both cried our eyes out and talked for quite a while. She handled it pretty maturely and honestly better than I expected, we both reflected on the great times we had and how much we both cared for each other. I explained, it’s not fair to her and I can’t continue to be in the relationships if my hearts not fully in it, she deserves someone who is undoubtedly certain about wanting to marry her and start a life together. 

[Sanch62]

1 minute ago, Betty145 said:

Well I did it. Feeling all sorts of emotions right now, everything from regret, relief, sadness, and loneliness. We both cried our eyes out and talked for quite a while. She handled it pretty maturely and honestly better than I expected, we both reflected on the great times we had and how much we both cared for each other. I explained, it’s not fair to her and I can’t continue to be in the relationships if my hearts not fully in it, she deserves someone who is undoubtedly certain about wanting to marry her and start a life together. 

Your grief is natural, and my heart goes out to you both. You did the right thing.

[Els]

3 hours ago, Betty145 said:

Well I did it. Feeling all sorts of emotions right now, everything from regret, relief, sadness, and loneliness. We both cried our eyes out and talked for quite a while. She handled it pretty maturely and honestly better than I expected, we both reflected on the great times we had and how much we both cared for each other. I explained, it’s not fair to her and I can’t continue to be in the relationships if my hearts not fully in it, she deserves someone who is undoubtedly certain about wanting to marry her and start a life together. 

You did the right thing! Kudos to you, and all the best for your recovery. It'll feel awful for a while, but the negative emotions are only temporary, while you've made both of your futures better and brighter. You should be proud of yourself.

[Betty145]

20 minutes ago, Els said:

You did the right thing! Kudos to you, and all the best for your recovery. It'll feel awful for a while, but the negative emotions are only temporary, while you've made both of your futures better and brighter. You should be proud of yourself.

Thank you. It’s been hard. The thought of her moving her stuff out of the apartment and being in pain makes me feel a pain I’ve never felt before. Can’t even describe it

[Nowherenear]

Please write in here when and if you find a person who you really want to marry. 

[Betty145]

5 minutes ago, Nowherenear said:

Please write in here when and if you find a person who you really want to marry. 

Unhelpful 

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Betty145 said:

Thank you. It’s been hard. The thought of her moving her stuff out of the apartment and being in pain makes me feel a pain I’ve never felt before. Can’t even describe it

I know the feeling.

As other people have said, you did the right thing.

Breakups tend to be extremely painful. But a painful surgery (followed by a painful recovery process) is preferable to living with an incurable, lethal disease.

Try to focus on the selfless aspect of what you did. She deserves a chance at being with someone who is madly in love with her.

You, too, deserve a chance at having great passion.

I met the woman of my dreams at the age of 47. I’ve been in love before, or at least I thought so at the time. Wherever love was lacking, nothing could help. I regret a lot of things, but not those multiple painful breakups themselves. They have led me where I am now, experiencing something I thought was not possible.

Edited 1 hour ago by Gebidozo