Uncertainty

[Betty145]

Been with my girlfriend for 3 years now, we've lived together for about 6 months. She is great, one of the nicest and most innocent people I've ever met, I truly do care about her. However, with all this talk about marriage and buying houses, kids, etc. I'm beginning to become a little bit uncertain that she is the one. I'm not sure she really blows me away in the way that I envision other people falling in love. I've heard a lot of people say, "If you have to ask, then she's not the one." Any advice or input would be great. I don't want to string her along forever, but I also don't want to make a huge mistake. Thx. 

[smackie9]

Did you have always wanted those things(babies/marriage)/ are part of your life goals?  Or do you just want someone to share your life with, coast along build financial wealth, travel, etc

[Betty145]

24 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Did you have always wanted those things(babies/marriage)/ are part of your life goals?  Or do you just want someone to share your life with, coast along build financial wealth, travel, etc

I don't think it has to do with either of those. 

[ShyViolet]

If she's talking about marriage, buying a house and kids, and you're not feeling that she's the one, then you need to stop participating in those conversations and pretending like it's what you want also.  You need to let her know that you're not sure you see that future with her.  The worst thing you can do is give her the false impression that you want the same things.  This will all blow up later if you're not up front about how you feel now.

[Betty145]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

If she's talking about marriage, buying a house and kids, and you're not feeling that she's the one, then you need to stop participating in those conversations and pretending like it's what you want also.  You need to let her know that you're not sure you see that future with her.  The worst thing you can do is give her the false impression that you want the same things.  This will all blow up later if you're not up front about how you feel now.

Truth is I’m not sure if she’s the one.  How will I know? Is it really as simple as “if it’s not hell yea, then it’s no”???

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Betty145 said:

Truth is I’m not sure if she’s the one.  How will I know? Is it really as simple as “if it’s not hell yea, then it’s no”???

If you've been with her for 3 years, and you feel like you're not sure, that means no.

You should never settle down with someone and enter into marriage if you have doubts about it.  Never, ever.  

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Betty145 said:

I've heard a lot of people say, "If you have to ask, then she's not the one."

I agree with those people.

If you feel that you aren’t completely in love with your girlfriend, break up with her.

Staying with a partner you aren’t in love with will only make both partners miserable in the long run.

[Betty145]

55 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I agree with those people.

If you feel that you aren’t completely in love with your girlfriend, break up with her.

Staying with a partner you aren’t in love with will only make both partners miserable in the long run.

Thats kind of what my gut has been feeling. How do I go about breaking up with her? I’ve never had to do this before 

[ShyViolet]

41 minutes ago, Betty145 said:

Thats kind of what my gut has been feeling. How do I go about breaking up with her? I’ve never had to do this before 

You just have to be really direct and honest with her, get to the point and don't drag it out.  

[Betty145]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You just have to be really direct and honest with her, get to the point and don't drag it out.  

Ok thanks for the input. I really do care for her and she’s one of the nicest people I know so I’d like to do it in a delicate way. 

[MsJayne]

A really old person once said to me, "if someone proposes to you and you have to think about the answer, then the answer is no", and it's true - every person, (nearly always men), who've told me they didn't really want to get married but felt pressured to do it have ended up in a miserable marriage or a bitter divorce.  Maybe the kindest way you can break up with someone is to say you're scared of the big commitment at this point in your life and you don't think you can give it 100%. If it's your partner driving the conversation about marriage and babies you do need to brace yourself and speak up, because if you don't before you know it you'll find yourself in a marriage that you never really wanted - it happens to people all the time  . 

Edited yesterday at 03:05 AM by MsJayne

[Betty145]

3 hours ago, MsJayne said:

A really old person once said to me, "if someone proposes to you and you have to think about the answer, then the answer is no", and it's true - every person, (nearly always men), who've told me they didn't really want to get married but felt pressured to do it have ended up in a miserable marriage or a bitter divorce.  Maybe the kindest way you can break up with someone is to say you're scared of the big commitment at this point in your life and you don't think you can give it 100%. If it's your partner driving the conversation about marriage and babies you do need to brace yourself and speak up, because if you don't before you know it you'll find yourself in a marriage that you never really wanted - it happens to people all the time  . 

Thank you for the helpful feedback. I think I know what I have to do. I’m just dreading it cause I know it’s going to devastate her, not to mention myself, 3 years is a long time and we’ve shared a lot of memories together

[Nowherenear]

If you are dreaming of the perfect woman who will blow your mind away for the rest of your life, then you will forever be disappointed. Marriage is a hard thing and needs daily work. If you are more of the type who needs to be excited with love and passion every day, then maybe marriage is not for you and it's fine.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Betty145 said:

I’m just dreading it cause I know it’s going to devastate her, not to mention myself

Both of you are going to be much more devastated if you enter into a loveless marriage doomed to end in a divorce.

[Gebidozo]

11 minutes ago, Nowherenear said:

If you are dreaming of the perfect woman who will blow your mind away for the rest of your life, then you will forever be disappointed.

The OP never said anything about a perfect woman. He just wants to be with a woman he is in love with.

 

11 minutes ago, Nowherenear said:

Marriage is a hard thing and needs daily work.

Yes, it’s a hard thing that needs daily work from people who are very much in love with each other.

Marriages where at least one of the partners isn’t passionately in love are going to fail regardless of how much daily work is being done.

 

13 minutes ago, Nowherenear said:

If you are more of the type who needs to be excited with love and passion every day, then maybe marriage is not for you and it's fine.

That’s very strange. There are happily married couples out there who are excited with love and passion for each other.

[Betty145]

Just thought I should add, we moved to a new city about 6 months ago together at my request so I could be closer to work. She came with and found a new job (fully remote). So this certainly adds to the guilt. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Betty145 said:

Just thought I should add, we moved to a new city about 6 months ago together at my request so I could be closer to work. She came with and found a new job (fully remote). So this certainly adds to the guilt. 

That's definitely unfortunate.... but you need to put an end to the situation now before she wastes any more time.  Breakups are never easy and she will be upset.  It's just something that has to be done.  She'll either find out now, or months/years from now.  But either way she's going to have to go through this.

[Betty145]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

That's definitely unfortunate.... but you need to put an end to the situation now before she wastes any more time.  Breakups are never easy and she will be upset.  It's just something that has to be done.  She'll either find out now, or months/years from now.  But either way she's going to have to go through this.

How can I lead into this without completely blindsiding her? 

[ShyViolet]

53 minutes ago, Betty145 said:

How can I lead into this without completely blindsiding her? 

She's going to be blindsided.  She's going to be upset.  She's going to be mad at you.  There's really no way around that.  Starting it off with some sugar-coated introduction that beats around the bush and doesn't get to the point is not going to be helpful and will only make it harder.  It really is just something unpleasant and difficult that you have to just get over with.  It's ripping the band aid off.

[Lotsgoingon]

Here is the way I answer the question--whether I'm with the right person. And I have used this for dating as well as marriage.

One, am I happy? Really happy? To see the person, to interact with the person, to know the person. Yada yada.

But the big issue is this: can I stop asking if I'm happy with my partner?! If I can't stop asking the question, then I'm not happy with them enough to marry them. 

 

[Els]

20 hours ago, Betty145 said:

Truth is I’m not sure if she’s the one.  How will I know? Is it really as simple as “if it’s not hell yea, then it’s no”???

It really is as simple as that. It's fine for you to be thinking about it carefully, since it's a major life decision, but if the thought of spending your life with this person just brings you a sinking feeling in your stomach instead of incredible happiness... they're not the one for you.

[Els]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Yes, it’s a hard thing that needs daily work from people who are very much in love with each other.

Marriages where at least one of the partners isn’t passionately in love are going to fail regardless of how much daily work is being done.

This. I'm happily married and I truly cannot imagine putting in all that effort and commitment for a person whom one feels nothing for. It's like the difference between working a job that you enjoy and feel interested in, versus working a job that you dislike. Yes it's going to be work regardless, but the former feels like constructive labor, whereas the latter just feels like throwing your life away.

The fact that marriage is hard is an excellent reason to be MORE selective about whom you marry, not less.

[Betty145]

It’s not that I feel nothing for her, I truly care about her. I just want to make the right decision. I’m getting conflicted with what you guys are saying versus some other people that say don’t fall for the “grass is greener on the other side” or the 80/20 rule 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Betty145 said:

It’s not that I feel nothing for her, I truly care about her. I just want to make the right decision. I’m getting conflicted with what you guys are saying versus some other people that say don’t fall for the “grass is greener on the other side” or the 80/20 rule 

You don't have to feel 'nothing' for a partnership to be wrong for you, just as feeling love and admiration for a close friend doesn't mean you want to marry them.

You didn't feel this kind of hesitation before living together, but now you're getting a taste of what the day-to-day feels like. This, along with her assumptions that moving in together is a stepping stone toward a lifetime commitment, can be your basis for raising the issue. I'd say that living together has shown you that you both seem to envision different paths for the future. See where that lands and where the discussion takes you.

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Betty145 said:

I just want to make the right decision. I’m getting conflicted with what you guys are saying versus some other people that say don’t fall for the “grass is greener on the other side” or the 80/20 rule 

The fact that you have already said "I know what I have to do", that you are thinking this strongly about breaking up with her, shows without a doubt that this isn't the right relationship for you.  No one would ever be saying that about a person who they are truly in love with and compatible with.