Disgusted by my boyfriend's past

[Kiki0803]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This tells you there is a fundemental incompatibility between you. That would be my biggest concern, that some of our core values don't align. 

I also think you two are putting way too much pressure on a very new relationship. Trying to make sure he will never go back to his old ways and considering sending youself into therapy over it ...for a guy you've spent a total of two weeks with in person? Girl. Breathe and pump the brakes. It shouldn't be this distressing. It should be your cue that this might not be the right person for you, and you two are trying to force all of this too quickly. This  is the stage where you assess if the other person is right for you, not try to therapize yourself into making yourself okay with who he is as a person. 

 

I was thinking more along the lines of needing therapy as to why I can't just walk away from things like this.  He has some issues already that don't even involve the swinging history and yet I stay. 

But you're right, I need to slow the hell down.  I think it's just because I've been single a really long time and he's been the first guy I've really had any sort of feelings for (in 15 years) so I feel like there's a lot of risk here.  I appreciate your input, I really do.

[Kiki0803]

8 hours ago, FredEire said:

I guess he just thinks that swinging is perfectly fine for people in general to do, but its not something that aligns with what he wants any more, or what he wants with you.

I would be similar in the sense that I don't think it's wrong if everyone is consenting, I just wouldn't see it as something to partake in in a relationship. But if a couple wants to do that then good for them.

It seems to me there's almost two separate issues here: that you don't trust he doesn't want to turn your relationship into an open/swinger-friendly one, and the fact that you are uncomfortable that he ever did that in the first place. The first is just a matter of trust, the second may present more problems as there's no way he can change his past or what he was open to. If you can't shift your perspective it may be just that you are incompatible.

I think I'm mostly uncomfortable not that he did it but how he presented it to me when we first met.  He was pretty much bragging to me about it, like I was supposed to be impressed.  He was an idiot and told me details about their sex lives when I did not ask for them.  Perhaps if he had presented it to me in a less tactless manner it wouldn't have bothered me so much, I could have been more "OK, I'm glad that worked out for you.". It wasn't even a "not sure how you feel about this dynamic" but more he was shoving it in my face without my consent?  My issue is now that I sometimes have intrusive thoughts now, because he shared very specific details what he did with his wife and large groups of people, again when I didn't ask for details.   That should have been my big red flag there.   I've Asked him since if he'd like me to share specific details of sex acts my ex and I did and he got upset about that because he doesn't want to know.  I didn't want to know about what he did with groups of people. 

He does know that if he ever did try to open the relationship that I would be gone.  I'm very firm on that. My fear is that he's lying to me that he's changed to keep me around and long term, he'd change his mind.  By that time I will have been deeply invested in him. 

Another user says that I'm stressing out too much about this and they're probably very right.