Disgusted by my boyfriend's past

[Kiki0803]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This tells you there is a fundemental incompatibility between you. That would be my biggest concern, that some of our core values don't align. 

I also think you two are putting way too much pressure on a very new relationship. Trying to make sure he will never go back to his old ways and considering sending youself into therapy over it ...for a guy you've spent a total of two weeks with in person? Girl. Breathe and pump the brakes. It shouldn't be this distressing. It should be your cue that this might not be the right person for you, and you two are trying to force all of this too quickly. This  is the stage where you assess if the other person is right for you, not try to therapize yourself into making yourself okay with who he is as a person. 

 

I was thinking more along the lines of needing therapy as to why I can't just walk away from things like this.  He has some issues already that don't even involve the swinging history and yet I stay. 

But you're right, I need to slow the hell down.  I think it's just because I've been single a really long time and he's been the first guy I've really had any sort of feelings for (in 15 years) so I feel like there's a lot of risk here.  I appreciate your input, I really do.

[Kiki0803]

8 hours ago, FredEire said:

I guess he just thinks that swinging is perfectly fine for people in general to do, but its not something that aligns with what he wants any more, or what he wants with you.

I would be similar in the sense that I don't think it's wrong if everyone is consenting, I just wouldn't see it as something to partake in in a relationship. But if a couple wants to do that then good for them.

It seems to me there's almost two separate issues here: that you don't trust he doesn't want to turn your relationship into an open/swinger-friendly one, and the fact that you are uncomfortable that he ever did that in the first place. The first is just a matter of trust, the second may present more problems as there's no way he can change his past or what he was open to. If you can't shift your perspective it may be just that you are incompatible.

I think I'm mostly uncomfortable not that he did it but how he presented it to me when we first met.  He was pretty much bragging to me about it, like I was supposed to be impressed.  He was an idiot and told me details about their sex lives when I did not ask for them.  Perhaps if he had presented it to me in a less tactless manner it wouldn't have bothered me so much, I could have been more "OK, I'm glad that worked out for you.". It wasn't even a "not sure how you feel about this dynamic" but more he was shoving it in my face without my consent?  My issue is now that I sometimes have intrusive thoughts now, because he shared very specific details what he did with his wife and large groups of people, again when I didn't ask for details.   That should have been my big red flag there.   I've Asked him since if he'd like me to share specific details of sex acts my ex and I did and he got upset about that because he doesn't want to know.  I didn't want to know about what he did with groups of people. 

He does know that if he ever did try to open the relationship that I would be gone.  I'm very firm on that. My fear is that he's lying to me that he's changed to keep me around and long term, he'd change his mind.  By that time I will have been deeply invested in him. 

Another user says that I'm stressing out too much about this and they're probably very right.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Kiki0803 said:

My issue is now that I sometimes have intrusive thoughts now, because he shared very specific details what he did with his wife and large groups of people, again when I didn't ask for details.   That should have been my big red flag there. 

I was about to say that it was very weird and inappropriate of him to have shared all of this to begin with - especially when you didn't ask him. 

I can't imagine in what context such details would have come up in a conversation at any point unless you'd specifically inquired. This is not the same as making someone aware that their sexual history had been colourful or that they preferred an open relationship This is inappropriate over-sharing, and even as someone who's done some of what he has, there is no way I'd go around offering up those details to anyone else. I can't imagine his ex-wife or other sexual partners would be thrilled to know he's out there blabbing about their sex life together, either. 

The more you write, the more red flags I see with this guy. He's got a lack of boundaries that would deeply concern me. 

2 hours ago, Kiki0803 said:

  He has some issues already that don't even involve the swinging history and yet I stay. 

What kind of issues? 

Edited 17 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[Kiki0803]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was about to say that it was very weird and inappropriate of him to have shared all of this to begin with - especially when you didn't ask him. 

I can't imagine in what context such details would have come up in a conversation at any point unless you'd specifically inquired. This is not the same as making someone aware that their sexual history had been colourful or that they preferred an open relationship This is inappropriate over-sharing, and even as someone who's done some of what he has, there is no way I'd go around offering up those details to anyone else. I can't imagine his ex-wife or other sexual partners would be thrilled to know he's out there blabbing about their sex life together, either. 

The more you write, the more red flags I see with this guy. He's got a lack of boundaries that would deeply concern me. 

What kind of issues? 

When we first met it was on an online forum and he admitted he was mostly just messaging me because he was bored and horny.  So he pretty much just said whatever the f*** he thought was hot, without thinking about his audience.  I admit that I had no intention of ever dating him and was mostly just talking to him to ask him questions about his country (he lives in a different one than me) and thought it was gross then but just continued to use him for information since I was planning a trip there soon.  

Unfortunately, I caught feelings for him though and it was after that that I realized how gross it was.  He's never been single since he was 18 and very obviously had not clue how to talk with women at all.   Last night I had a talk with him and randomly told him some sex details between myself and my ex.  He got really upset about it, and I told him that in the beginning of our talking, he told me a bunch of details about his ex without asking.  

This morning, he told me he was having gross thoughts about my ex and I, he didn't like hearing those details and it kept him up at night a bit.   I told him how he understands how I feel about him sharing all the gory details without my consent.   I told him I want to move on from all that and start brand new with him, and he agreed.   He knows now that if he shared that information, I'll share mine and/or just block him altogether. 

The major red flag was that we started talking in May, he was separated then, however he didnt tell me he hadn't filed for divorce.  Part of that was my fault though, as I hadn't asked for details on it.   I lost my s*** in August and told him I no longer wanted to speak to him.  He sent me a copy of his divorce application the next day (it was legit) and told me he was waiting on her to file with him.   He realized that wasn't going to happen until after I told him to stop talking to me.  Since then, he's been very transparent with his divorce proceedings and is aware that I'll easily drop him if he omits information.  

Honestly, other than those two glaring red flags (swinging and him being married still) he's really a decent guy and ticks most of my boxes.  I've kind of decided to give him a timeline in my head though and if he's not single and gives me any whiff of wanting to go back to his old ways, I'll be gone. 

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, Kiki0803 said:

 Last night I had a talk with him and randomly told him some sex details between myself and my ex.  He got really upset about it, and I told him that in the beginning of our talking, he told me a bunch of details about his ex without asking.  

This morning, he told me he was having gross thoughts about my ex and I, he didn't like hearing those details and it kept him up at night a bit.   I told him how he understands how I feel about him sharing all the gory details without my consent. 

When you're playing tit-for-tat like this and you've barely started dating the person...the relationship has a poor prognosis. 

20 minutes ago, Kiki0803 said:

 I told him I want to move on from all that and start brand new with him, and he agreed

I don't mean to be unkind, but this is totally unrealistic and usually what people ignoring their screaming gut instinct try to do. Why? Well, quite simply, you can't unknow what you already know about him. He cant unsay the things he's said to you. He can't undo his past. Wiping the slate clean is deeply flawed concept because it's not realistic to expect these issues to suddenlly not be issues anymore. 

24 minutes ago, Kiki0803 said:

he's really a decent guy and ticks most of my boxes

How have you even come to that conclusion, though? You two haven't spent much time together in person and it's already evident there are indeed some big red flags about him. it sounds to me like you have gotten over-invested in the idea of him and are trying to make reality fit the idea. 

28 minutes ago, Kiki0803 said:

thought it was gross

It is. Decent men don't randomly start spouting off about their sex lives to women they're just messaging online. That is inappropriate on so many levels. 

30 minutes ago, Kiki0803 said:

He's never been single since he was 18 and very obviously had not clue how to talk with women at all. 

Eh, I think this is an excuse. He just sounds gross, unfortunately. And perhaps it's worked with other women he's had sexy chats with online. But hoestly? I've known men who've behaved in similar ways and been sexually inappropriate out the gate. They're not the ones to date. I would not let the excitment of having a boyfriend override your common sense or gut instinct here. 

[Kiki0803]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When you're playing tit-for-tat like this and you've barely started dating the person...the relationship has a poor prognosis. 

I don't mean to be unkind, but this is totally unrealistic and usually what people ignoring their screaming gut instinct try to do. Why? Well, quite simply, you can't unknow what you already know about him. He cant unsay the things he's said to you. He can't undo his past. Wiping the slate clean is deeply flawed concept because it's not realistic to expect these issues to suddenlly not be issues anymore. 

How have you even come to that conclusion, though? You two haven't spent much time together in person and it's already evident there are indeed some big red flags about him. it sounds to me like you have gotten over-invested in the idea of him and are trying to make reality fit the idea. 

It is. Decent men don't randomly start spouting off about their sex lives to women they're just messaging online. That is inappropriate on so many levels. 

Eh, I think this is an excuse. He just sounds gross, unfortunately. And perhaps it's worked with other women he's had sexy chats with online. But hoestly? I've known men who've behaved in similar ways and been sexually inappropriate out the gate. They're not the ones to date. I would not let the excitment of having a boyfriend override your common sense or gut instinct here. 

I appreciate you.  I'm going to soak in your words and decide what to do.  Thank you for your time

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Kiki0803 said:

I appreciate you.  I'm going to soak in your words and decide what to do.  Thank you for your time

You seem like someone with a good head on her shoulders. You can surely find a man who doesn't come dragging a boatload of red flags you have try to convince yourself to accept or ignore.