Disgusted by my boyfriend's past

[Kiki0803]

My boyfriend and I are still rather new, we just started dating in November (and we are long distance).  

He was married (still is, they're going through a divorce), to a woman for 20+ years and admitted to me they were swingers, he's bi,  and had a lot of threesomes/foursomes while they were together.    

When he and I met online (and neither of us were looking to date, we were just friends for a long time), he's been very upfront and honest with me about his current and past situations, he was flirting heavily with male friends of his at the time and still talking about threesomes and things. 

The more we talked, he started sounding more serious about me, and that kind of talk stopped.  

I'm 100% monogamous and have told him I expect the same from him, which he says he wants. He told me he's not interested in living that lifestyle anymore.  So far, I think he's being honest about that.   

However, I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around his past.  I'm rather disgusted by it really, and I keep getting intrusive mental images in my head while masturbating (him in threesomes and whatnot).  While I do find him sexually attractive, I try not to masturbate while thinking of him because the intrusive thoughts disgust me, so I have to think about something else.   

I'm really not sure how I can get past this aspect of his life.  He seems to have switched gears since he met me, saying he wants monogamy now all of a sudden since he met me.  

 

Am I just barking up the wrong tree here?  Is he lying to keep me happy?  

And how can I get these intrusive thoughts out of my head?  

[smackie9]

You don't just date someone because they are attractive....you need more like personal values, personality, religious and political beliefs, having things in common. These things you are disgusted about is a part of who he is. You are not the issue here, who he is/was is. IMO he isn't serious because if he was, he would have not been flirting with his male friends etc. He would have made changes before he met you. And yes you have every right to question his integrity/honesty. If your gut is telling you this isn't right, listen to it. You are not losing out on anything by taking the chance to just walk away. For me if I met someone like that, it would be an absolute deal breaker. 

[Kiki0803]

6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You don't just date someone because they are attractive....you need more like personal values, personality, religious and political beliefs, having things in common. These things you are disgusted about is a part of who he is. You are not the issue here, who he is/was is. IMO he isn't serious because if he was, he would have not been flirting with his male friends etc. He would have made changes before he met you. And yes you have every right to question his integrity/honesty. If your gut is telling you this isn't right, listen to it. You are not losing out on anything by taking the chance to just walk away. For me if I met someone like that, it would be an absolute deal breaker. 

Thanks Smackie, 

He and I largely have a lot of background things that are very compatible.  This is one of the things that isn't though.   

I don't think he even had the chance to make the changes before he met me, as he wasn't even planning to, and wasn't planning to date.  He says after we met, our getting along so well changed his mind and he fell for me.

For sure, this normally is a dealbreaker for me.  I think I've stayed because I haven't met anyone quite like him before, that I got along so well with.   He seems to have absolutely stopped all flirting about 4 months before we started dating but still.   This is so difficult for me. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Kiki0803 said:

My boyfriend and I are still rather new, we just started dating in November (and we are long distance)

How often do you spend time together in person? 

I ask because this is an awful lot to take on for a new relationship, esepcially when it's long-distance. He says he wants monogamy now, but only time will tell if that is actually the case. It's unlikely you will be able to get past his background and while he has nothing to apologize for and can't change it, I would also be surprised if he is ready to give all of that up completely. 

Edited Sunday at 01:42 PM by ExpatInItaly

[Gebidozo]

People can change. I have a very colorful past myself. Not the same as your boyfriend, but I used to do some things that you’ll probably be disgusted by as well.

I’m genuinely not interested in doing those things anymore. I’ve been completely monogamous with my partner.

She knows all about my past and she doesn’t find it disgusting. She also has a colorful past and she also did things that some people would be disgusted by. These things used to shock me as well, but I got over those feelings completely.

Being disgusted by your partner’s past is not a good thing. Either find a way to embrace it or break up with him.

 

[Kiki0803]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How often do you spend time together in person? 

I ask because this is an awful lot to take on for a new relationship, esepcially when it's long-distance. He says he wants monogamy now, but only time will tell if that is actually the case. It's unlikely you will be able to get past his background and while he has nothing to apologize for and can't change it, I would also be surprised if he is ready to give all of that up completely. 

We've only spent two weeks together in person.  We're planning 3 visits this year so only 6-7 weeks in total.  He spends hours and hours with me on video call and is always available when I want to talk with him, so he seems very emotionally invested so far.  

But I agree, I still feel like if it was his choice, he'd be swinging away, but he got stuck with me (a boring monogamous girlfriend).   I'm scared I'll get invested and he'll just decide the monogamy isn't worth it to him.   

He was only ever in a relationship with his wife (he's 41 now) and they were always in an open relationship.  Hes never been monogamous before.   

I feel that if I get hurt by him, it will be my fault for being so stupid and naive. 

[Kiki0803]

10 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

People can change. I have a very colorful past myself. Not the same as your boyfriend, but I used to do some things that you’ll probably be disgusted by as well.

I’m genuinely not interested in doing those things anymore. I’ve been completely monogamous with my partner.

She knows all about my past and she doesn’t find it disgusting. She also has a colorful past and she also did things that some people would be disgusted by. These things used to shock me as well, but I got over those feelings completely.

Being disgusted by your partner’s past is not a good thing. Either find a way to embrace it or break up with him.

 

I'm not a prude, that's the thing.   I've done a lot of things sex-wise in the past, but always in a monogamous relationship.  

It was the flippant way he talked about it to me before we dated, like having regular foursomes with the neighbors and being "her little cock sucking b****" is a perfectly normal thing that everyone does.   It's not.  (I don't care that he's bi, I have to specify that.  It's his past viewpoint towards sex and relationships that bothers me.  How can you be in love with someone and share her with the whole neighborhood?)

I don't think I can embrace his past ever.  I'm more concerned if I alone would be able to satisfy him in a monogamous setting long term or if he'll just decide I'm too "boring" for him.  I'm scared he's just telling me that he wants monogamy because I do, and I'm tired of the intrusive thoughts coming into my head.  

I don't know how to resolve this in my head.  

and I hope he's genuinely not interested in doing those things either. 

[FredEire]

There's nothing inherently wrong with threesomes, orgies etc and the seedier side of sexuality, but it's treating sex as a drug and a thrill rather than a bonding experience.

That's not to say everyone who's promiscuous and into these things is an addict, but they are treating sex in a different way to someone who is having sex as a way to connect with a partner.

It's like if someone drinks all the time to get shitfaced when they were younger, and transitions into just drinking a little bit of wine etc to socialise with friends. Its absolutely possible, but if someone has the tendency to indulge in these things you need to question if it's actually a phase that they have passed or if the urge is still in them and it's not really something they've left behind.

If you think he's genuinely changed and is on the same page as you now, theres really nothing he can do about his past so you have to work out if you can trust him and accept that he has his past as all of us do.

Edited Sunday at 02:23 PM by FredEire

[Gebidozo]

39 minutes ago, Kiki0803 said:

It was the flippant way he talked about it to me before we dated, like having regular foursomes with the neighbors and being "her little cock sucking b****" is a perfectly normal thing that everyone does.   It's not. 

I also talked in a flippant and sort of cynically boastful way with my not-yet-partner about the sexual stuff I did in my part (which was morally much more reprehensible).

All I can say is that I’m not interested in doing that stuff anymore and I don’t view it in the same light anymore. People can change.

 

42 minutes ago, Kiki0803 said:

How can you be in love with someone and share her with the whole neighborhood

It’s possible. One of my partner’s exes was in love with her, wanted to marry her, and yet shared her with someone else sexually.

 

43 minutes ago, Kiki0803 said:

I don't think I can embrace his past ever.

Then he’s probably not the right partner for you.

 

44 minutes ago, Kiki0803 said:

I'm more concerned if I alone would be able to satisfy him in a monogamous setting long term or if he'll just decide I'm too "boring" for him. 

It’s impossible to know.

Either you trust him when he says he’ll be monogamous with you, or you don’t. If you don’t, break up with him.

I used to be a chronic cheater. My partner told me she didn’t believe I’ll cheat on her even before I told her I wouldn’t. I haven’t, and I have no desire or intention to do it.

[ShyViolet]

If monogamy is important to you, and the swinger lifestyle "disgusts" you, then you're really looking in the wrong place here.  It's naive to think a guy who has a huge history of being a swinger and bi is going to be the person you are looking for.  

[Kiki0803]

4 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If monogamy is important to you, and the swinger lifestyle "disgusts" you, then you're really looking in the wrong place here.  It's naive to think a guy who has a huge history of being a swinger and bi is going to be the person you are looking for.  

yah, I've been worried about that too  

He says he wants monogamy with me now, but I don't know if he means it. 

[Kiki0803]

54 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I also talked in a flippant and sort of cynically boastful way with my not-yet-partner about the sexual stuff I did in my part (which was morally much more reprehensible).

All I can say is that I’m not interested in doing that stuff anymore and I don’t view it in the same light anymore. People can change.

 

It’s possible. One of my partner’s exes was in love with her, wanted to marry her, and yet shared her with someone else sexually.

 

Then he’s probably not the right partner for you.

 

It’s impossible to know.

Either you trust him when he says he’ll be monogamous with you, or you don’t. If you don’t, break up with him.

I used to be a chronic cheater. My partner told me she didn’t believe I’ll cheat on her even before I told her I wouldn’t. I haven’t, and I have no desire or intention to do it.

He has told me he feels guilty about his actions in the past and that he doesn't want to do them anymore.  He also told me he was doing the braggy stuff about his past sex life before we dated because he's never been single before and didn't really know how to impress women or how to talk to them (he's 41 now, he's only romantically been with his wife since he was 19).  

I'm so conflicted with this guy, it hurts.  

So far since I've known him, he's done absolutely nothing to hurt me, and insists he won't do the things I'm worried about.   But I just don't know how to get the intrusive thoughts out of my head.   

I've never dated anyone who had a past that I morally disagreed with before so this has been very difficult for me.  Every other guy I've dated, I didn't have a problem with his past at all.  I'm wanting to be a good partner to him as well and not constantly bring it up, since he hasn't done anything so far to hurt me but I'm just so damn confused right now. 

[Sanch62]

Anybody can say anything from a distance. That's exactly why online scams are so simple to pull off, for example. I'm not implying that the guy is scamming you, merely that it's easy to promise anything when a relationship is primarily virtual. How would you know what he does beyond his screen?

One problem with virtual relationships is that one might believe that they can't meet anyone else quite as fascinating. That's because real-life people can't compete with a fantasy. And fantasy IS the foundation of virtual romances. Factor in that you can't meet real-life people when you're too busy spending countless hours glued to a screen, and you've got a self-made prophecy.

If you want to live a reclusive lifestyle without investing in a social life locally, then maybe a fantasy relationship IS the best you can do. In that case, you're in control of the imaginings you want to project onto it. If you want to torture yourself with images of his swinger lifestyle, you can do that to add the kind of drama and conflict that will keep you on tender-hooks to mimic real-life drama. It's all up to you.

[ShyViolet]

20 minutes ago, Kiki0803 said:

yah, I've been worried about that too  

He says he wants monogamy with me now, but I don't know if he means it. 

Added to all this is the fact that you haven't even spent a substantial amount of time with this guy in person, this is a virtual relationship and it's really mostly a fantasy in your head.  You are way too invested in a guy who you have only actually spent two weeks with.  You really need to take a step back and stop letting yourself get carried away.

[smackie9]

Just a warning about recently divorced older men. They are desperate to find a partner. This comes from the mouths of many of my single/recently divorced female friends (and my niece) who are in their 40's, 50's and 60's. They say the men push for a relationship fast/aggressively, try to change or act differently from who they really are, always mirror everything they like to show compatibility. Girl all this could be smoke and mirrors to make himself look right to you. 

At this time in your life why would you want to invest in your time with a guy with his monogamy training wheels on? It would be most certainly a very tough transition if this is all he has ever known. Take the rose coloured glasses off. 

[Kiki0803]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Just a warning about recently divorced older men. They are desperate to find a partner. This comes from the mouths of many of my single/recently divorced female friends (and my niece) who are in their 40's, 50's and 60's. They say the men push for a relationship fast/aggressively, try to change or act differently from who they really are, always mirror everything they like to show compatibility. Girl all this could be smoke and mirrors to make himself look right to you. 

At this time in your life why would you want to invest in your time with a guy with his monogamy training wheels on? It would be most certainly a very tough transition if this is all he has ever known. Take the rose coloured glasses off. 

He's not older, he's actually my age.  

And you're right, I need to go very slow and more cautious with him.  

He's actually been doing really well with not pushing relationship stuff on me too too fast (and going at a pace I'm comfortable with) but you're right that he could be mirroring to keep me around.  I am very aware of his many negatives he has going on and like to keep reminding myself of those. 

I actually just asked him today about his swinging and if I was allowed to sleep with other dudes, and he got really irritated that I brought it up. He doesn't want me sleeping with anyone else and reiterated again that he won't sleep with anyone else either.  I asked him why it was cool if his wife did it but I can't, and he told me it was because they were in their early 20s and were stupid.   Just me bringing it up really irritated him, he said he didn't have a chance to think about how their swinging affected him while he was with her and now that he's not he's been reflecting on how much it affected his psyche.  

Again, could be bullshit, but he really isn't the type to get irritated and that conversation he  really did.  

I'll definitely be going very VERY slowly with this one so I don't crash and burn, and protect my heart here.  

[Kiki0803]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Added to all this is the fact that you haven't even spent a substantial amount of time with this guy in person, this is a virtual relationship and it's really mostly a fantasy in your head.  You are way too invested in a guy who you have only actually spent two weeks with.  You really need to take a step back and stop letting yourself get carried away.

Yah, you're right.  I think the investment on my behalf is more of a protection layer I'm adding to myself here.  I don't want to get burned.  

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Kiki0803 said:

He has told me he feels guilty about his actions in the past and that he doesn't want to do them anymore.

I don't think he has anything to feel guilty about, to be fair. It sounds like it was consensual and everyone enjoyed it. He should not be ashamed of that. 

2 hours ago, Kiki0803 said:

He also told me he was doing the braggy stuff about his past sex life before we dated because he's never been single before and didn't really know how to impress women or how to talk to them

But this is a load of horse caca. He may not have dated in his adult life, but he also didn't fall of the turnip truck yesterday.  I don't buy that he bragged about this because he didn't know better. In my experience having participated (and enjoyed) some of the same activities he has, he was probably testing the waters with you a bit and seeing if you might be into those things, too. He back-pedalled when he realized you weten't. 

[Kiki0803]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think he has anything to feel guilty about, to be fair. It sounds like it was consensual and everyone enjoyed it. He should not be ashamed of that. 

But this is a load of horse caca. He may not have dated in his adult life, but he also didn't fall of the turnip truck yesterday.  I don't buy that he bragged about this because he didn't know better. In my experience having participated (and enjoyed) some of the same activities he has, he was probably testing the waters with you a bit and seeing if you might be into those things, too. He back-pedalled when he realized you weten't. 

I don't think it was consensual actually now that I've done some digging.   It sounds like he wanted to do FFM threesomes which wife was ok with, but wife decided to do MMF threesomes and he just had to suck it up buttercup because it was "only fair." He has mentioned a few times he was uncomfortable with it, but went with it.  

Yah and I agree I think he back pedalled too, now that you mentioned it.  He has told me the only reason why he doesn't want to do swinging now is because it "affected his confidence.".

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Kiki0803 said:

He has mentioned a few times he was uncomfortable with it, but went with it.  

Then he still consented. Nonconsensual means it was against his will, which was evidently not the case. 

 

[Kiki0803]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then he still consented. Nonconsensual means it was against his will, which was evidently not the case. 

 

This is true.  He and I talked last night, he still feels that swinging is morally fine while I disagree.  He and I will never see eye to eye on that.  He told me he wants the monogamy and the emotional closeness with me and that the idea of sharing me with others makes him very upset and he'll leave me if I so much as kiss someone else.  He says he doesn't want to kiss others either.  More my issue is just keeping the intrusive thoughts out and trying to reconcile his past.  

 

This I think is more of a me issue than a him issue.  I think it's mostly just I'm truly concerned that he will go back to old ways.  I don't want to keep bringing up his past and want to try to focus on my future with him if we have one.  I've never had a partner who's sexual past has bothered me so this one is difficult.   I'm just at a loss.  

Edited 14 hours ago by Kiki0803

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Kiki0803 said:

He and I talked last night, he still feels that swinging is morally fine while I disagree.  He and I will never see eye to eye on that. 

That is definitely a bigger problem. You aren’t just bothered by his past due to retroactive jealousy or some such, you’re passing an ethical judgment on it.

I don’t know if this helps, but these views can change. I also used to think that swinging was morally wrong, but now I don’t think so.

 

2 hours ago, Kiki0803 said:

I think it's mostly just I'm truly concerned that he will go back to old ways. 

This is a separate issue, that of trust.

It is quite possible that he doesn’t consider swinging morally wrong but is genuinely not interested in pursuing that lifestyle with you.

 

 

 

 

[Kiki0803]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

That is definitely a bigger problem. You aren’t just bothered by his past due to retroactive jealousy or some such, you’re passing an ethical judgment on it.

I don’t know if this helps, but these views can change. I also used to think that swinging was morally wrong, but now I don’t think so.

 

This is a separate issue, that of trust.

It is quite possible that he doesn’t consider swinging morally wrong but is genuinely not interested in pursuing that lifestyle with you.

 

 

 

 

I doubt I'll change my mind on it as that's been something I've never agreed with in my 41 years on the planet, nor will I ever engage in that activity. 

I do find it a little odd that he did a 180 with me though.  More than happy to share his wife with other people, but he doesn't want that with me at all.  Guess it's just hard for me to wrap my mind around it and why I'm the exception for him.   He told me he's more interested in the emotional relationship we have rather than a sexual one, he feels closer emotionally to me than he ever did with his wife in the 20ish years they were together.   Guess I need to go to therapy and work on all this in a professional environment.  

[FredEire]

22 minutes ago, Kiki0803 said:

I doubt I'll change my mind on it as that's been something I've never agreed with in my 41 years on the planet, nor will I ever engage in that activity. 

I do find it a little odd that he did a 180 with me though.  More than happy to share his wife with other people, but he doesn't want that with me at all.  Guess it's just hard for me to wrap my mind around it and why I'm the exception for him.   He told me he's more interested in the emotional relationship we have rather than a sexual one, he feels closer emotionally to me than he ever did with his wife in the 20ish years they were together.   Guess I need to go to therapy and work on all this in a professional environment.  

I guess he just thinks that swinging is perfectly fine for people in general to do, but its not something that aligns with what he wants any more, or what he wants with you.

I would be similar in the sense that I don't think it's wrong if everyone is consenting, I just wouldn't see it as something to partake in in a relationship. But if a couple wants to do that then good for them.

It seems to me there's almost two separate issues here: that you don't trust he doesn't want to turn your relationship into an open/swinger-friendly one, and the fact that you are uncomfortable that he ever did that in the first place. The first is just a matter of trust, the second may present more problems as there's no way he can change his past or what he was open to. If you can't shift your perspective it may be just that you are incompatible.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Kiki0803 said:

he still feels that swinging is morally fine while I disagree.  He and I will never see eye to eye on that.

This tells you there is a fundemental incompatibility between you. That would be my biggest concern, that some of our core values don't align. 

I also think you two are putting way too much pressure on a very new relationship. Trying to make sure he will never go back to his old ways and considering sending youself into therapy over it ...for a guy you've spent a total of two weeks with in person? Girl. Breathe and pump the brakes. It shouldn't be this distressing. It should be your cue that this might not be the right person for you, and you two are trying to force all of this too quickly. This  is the stage where you assess if the other person is right for you, not try to therapize yourself into making yourself okay with who he is as a person.