It feels like you’ve known them forever, but they’re committed elsewhere out of obligation, not choice

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone!

I would like to write down this thought and experience of mine in life and share it with you to receive advice on how to deal with this thing, on how to approach my relationship with this person from today onwards.

I'm 31 years old, I'm single male, I've been single for 4 years now and I feel good, I focus on my goals and I like this life, although I don't deny that I have the desire to find a healthy, intimate person for a compassionate relationship (and not the traditional one). I found the difference on Wikipedia and it was worth learning about, but I could not find anything else, try search online companionate vs traditional marriage.

 

That being said, I've known this woman since we were both 14 years old. She was already sending signals to me at the time, and she was also friends with my cousin, which meant that she knew my whole family and was well accepted. At the time, I was too young to understand "women's signals", but at the age of 24/25 I started to understand these things better, and, fast forward to today, she's still attracted to me, and now I can read everything she does.

Meanwhile, she, who is a rich hereditary of a notary caste, got married to a 34 year old man, and they have 1 child, run their own company togheter, and are well known in the town. She made me understand that she is in this situation because her father looked for/filtered for her, a man who was able to be a valid pawn for his company and maintain the legacy. She finds herself in a relationship with this man who is a doormat, or in any case he follows all the orders dictated by the family, by the father, and for her there is no respect towards him. Not even desire, he doesn't like it. So this is a "traditional marriage", crafted by her father, to continue the dynasty.
It made me understand how much one can suffer in a situation like this, in addition to the fact that she wants me and has been doing so for 15 years. I am her desire for intimacy and sexual. She can't have intimacy with her man because he is insecure but also because she doesn't trust her. 
 

Let's also come to my situation: as I was telling you, I'm single, I'm 31 years old and I'm fine, but I struggle. to find a person with whom you can establish serious intimacy. It's not just about sexual desire, but about being able to open up to this person, because: "you've known each other your whole life".
Have you had that feeling in your life?
Here, this woman gives me the feeling that I have known her "all my life", I feel good in her presence, and I can be a man. I don't let myself be dazed, I desire her, I open up, but at the same time I could tell her "That's the door", if she ever disrespects me. (something that her man would never think doing).

For me, those are the prospects.
I'm open to a single girl, without children, younger, or in any case already married women, with or without children, obviously only those who have already separated (I don't want to encourage any separation or divorce, and I'm not doing it with her either, that's why I'm here).
For example, my Uncle was single until he was 38, and then he made company with a twice-divorced woman of the same age with 3 children. They were together until their death, and my uncle told me the same thing, that they had met as teenagers, but due to higher things (like respecting caste, family, father's wishes), people have to change their goals in life, so they only found a place to be togheter in their late 30's. And that He had that feeling of knowing her "since a life"

I would like to receive advice from you on how to deal with a possible relationship with this woman, if she ever separates. Curiosity would immediately push me to invite her out, or at least establish an intimate relationship with her.
I do believe in lifelong relationships. I also believe that some relationships may not work, so I also believe in "cycles", and that some people don't realize that we are simply wired to get fed up, bored, but at the same time, we are made for commitment and respect for each other, and that some relationships just don't work and there will be time for others.

This is precisely how people discover the existence of healthy relationships in life, and are able to understand how unhealthy the ones they were in were.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I would like to receive advice from you on how to deal with a possible relationship with this woman, if she ever separates

I am going to cut to the chase and be blunt: there is really no point seeking advice on something that may never happen. It's a waste of your time to ponder this unless and until she actually becomes single. Cross that bridge if you come to it. 

As it stands and whatever your opinion is, she is married to someone else. You would be best to forget the idea of having a relationship with her and focus instead on findiing someone you can actually be with. This woman is not an option for you. 

 

[Els]

9 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I would like to receive advice from you on how to deal with a possible relationship with this woman, if she ever separates.

Do you also spend a lot of time seriously trying to plan what you would do if you won the jackpot?

If she's so traditional that she allows her parents to decide her spouse for her, she's probably too traditional to separate. Same goes with him. So I'd say the odds of you ever being in this scenario are the equivalent of winning the jackpot. Which is to say... don't hold your breath.

You need to figure out how you can get over her instead. Usually no contact is best for these situations. 

[Sanch62]

Just because someone is unhappily married, that doesn't mean they're willing to do anything about it.

If she didn't want the marriage in the first place, why did she marry him?

You can cite her parents' influence, but that hasn't changed. So are you talking about taking up with her after her parents die?

[Herkamer63]

As much as you may like this woman, there's a reason why she never went after you and married to another man. She saw you as a friend and that's it, nothing more or less. She may have appeared interested, but it was her being nice. Now, there isn't necessarily being friends with the opposite sex if it's under the right circumstances. The primary one is there's no mutual romantic feelings towards each other. You must have that. I can understand if love grows, but it must be between both parties, not one. Anyway, the point is she saw you as a friend and that's it. She married another man, regardless if her father was an influence or not. It was her decision, in the end, and she accepted this man that's now her husband. I have a friend who was giving off signals and we even went out, nut, ultimately, she had her eyes on another man who abused her and still ended up getting engaged to him because he had a lot of money. They're no longer together, but it tells me what she's looking for and it's not a guy like me. So as much as you criticize the husband of this woman, there's obviously another reason why she's with him and at some point you just need to admit that she was more invested in this guy than you. It hurts, I know. I've been there and it's in no way, shape, or form fun nor satisfying. I've been through it several times before realizing that many women today (not all) don't have much interest in us. Just a simple fact. The only way we can only get recognized by many of them at all is if you're in great physical shape, you look good, and have decent social status. Money's a nice bonus to them, so if they're getting the guys they want, a good chunky income will attract them, even if they don't feel anything for them romantically.

Again, as I said, it's not all women and not even suggesting that it is. To some optimistic extent, I'd say the majority of women still want actual good men with with good morals and values. However, the growing number of females wanting those "top percentage" men is preventing regular guys from even trying anymore. Believe me when I get that the women that are taken you'd wish were one of yours. I have women who are friends of mine and they're married, but they are what I was looking for in a woman. Nice, feminine, respectful, loyal, same values/beliefs/morals, attractive (to me). Seems like, at times, the good ones are swept up quick, you know? But when having to deal with reality, to admit that they belong to another man is a tough thing to say. Even then, at this stage in the game, I don't have any romantic feelings towards them and their husbands are good guys, so it's not bad at all, and I met them well after they were married. This lady friend of yours may seem like she's interested in you, but rest assured, she's not. Doesn't mean you can't remain friends with her. By all means, be respectful. I just wouldn't advise being her close friend. Even though I have good female friends, they're not what I call close. Truth be told, I wouldn't reveal much to a woman because, honestly, many of them don't care, even if you have known each other your whole life. They know you but don't get you. It's better to open up to your family, anyway, because they understand you. In particular, your parents. Overall, though, it's difficult today with many women because they make it hard for us on whether or not they like us, unless they make it blatantly obvious.

You don't sound like an unreasonable person. You're trying to focus on your goals in life, so if the day comes that you get a family of your own you can pass it on the same values to the next generation. That's good, as anyone should, especially men. However, if I were you, I wouldn't wait on this woman. You don't know how long she's going to be with this man. She could legitimately love him and it's not displayed in such a way. Don't assume she doesn't love him. She also has a kid, and when there's no particular problem helping out a child, if dad's in the picture, he should be doing the majority of the heavy lifting, not you. I understand that her dad is wealthy, but he would still expect that the man would take care of the kid. for the most part. Lastly, as mentioned before, she sees you as a friend, not a lover. I'm not trying to tear you down or anything, and could be 1000% wrong (and I hope I'm wrong and she treats you with total respect), but I've seen and experienced this enough to know that if she wanted you, she would have chased you. Let's just say if she did divorce from this man and you two started going out casually. It's easy to say that you wouldn't put up with disrespect from a woman you really like, but you sound like old me. Now, you shouldn't have to deal with disrespect, but the way you're talking about this woman, again, no disrespect, it's as if you're kind putting her up on a higher pedestal than where she actually belongs. When the time came if she did disrespect you to your face and possibly others, you'd take it because that's the woman you want. In addition to that, there's a fear of losing her and never getting the idea of the woman you want. As I said earlier, you don't sound like an unreasonable person. However, just because you may be very reasonable, doesn't mean you're immune to unreasonable actions.

If you ultimately want my advice on what I would do if she were divorced, it's simple: don't pursue. Not worth the trouble. If she's (seemingly) sending you signals while she's married, she's more disloyal to others than what you may think. She may care for her child, but she won't care much for you, other than as an ATM and a babysitter. My brother was treated like that with his first wife, and she was divorced with 2 kids, who she didn't have custody of. Their marriage only lasted 6 months after he discovered she cheated on him with an old friend of his, she accused of doing things he didn't do and accused him of not doing enough (even though he paid the bills, watched her kids, provided the cash, and provided for the apartment they stayed at), and was about to steal from him. This isn't every divorced woman, but there's enough of them out there that do and makes it difficult to wife one up who may not be like my brother's ex. If she's a friend, fine, but that would be the furthest I'd go with someone like that. You don't know the all the details of how the divorce went down because you're only hearing one side. Back to my brother's first marriage, he ran into the ex-husband and gave his side of the story after my brother and this woman got divorced. Lined up exactly the same way my brother experienced it. Point is the man in your story that the woman you like is married to, you don't know him. He could be a good man and maybe just an introvert. With that in mind, you don't know how the relationship is actually going, but if she's treating him like garbage I wouldn't dunk on him. I'd feel bad for the guy because his own wife is openly disrespecting him. If you think she wouldn't do the same to you, that's foolish thought. She will not hesitate to do the same to you. If a highly attractive man was in the picture, she would probably be treating him so much better because it's who she wants.

So to conclude, you would be better off finding someone else, if that's what you want. Honestly, a better idea is to continue focusing on your life and build it up so if the right woman were to come along she will love, respect, and be loyal to you. Your time and energy is valuable, and it would be better spent to focus on your goals, as you said earlier. Do that instead. Don't make women the main prize. You will lose at that game. My advice would be to also workout, get into shape, get involved with a physical sport like hobby, focus on making more money, spend more time with family and friends (make new ones), and get out into the world more. Focus on you first and get your house in order. If the right woman does come along, you won't have the hassle nor the baggage to deal with. As for this woman, let her deal with her life and you deal with yours. She's not a part of it. Your family is and so are your closest friends. Remember that.

[ShyViolet]

She is married, whether it is a happy marriage or not.  It is a waste of your time to sit around trying to make plans to be with someone who is married to someone else and who is not available.  Focus on finding someone else.