I discovered something...

[chrissychris01]

Hi all, I am in a new relationship for 2 months now, and things have been going well. But 2 weeks ago, I discovered an old letter in my boyfriend's book collection (he has a few shelves with books in the living room), and the letter was written to a woman named Maya discussing how he wanted the marriage back and wanted to be a family again. So I found this letter while he went to store, and I was looking as his vast book collection. When he returned, I didn't ask him...I was just left wondering. So the week after that, I found a collection of wedding photos of him and his ex wife...the photos were tucked in a card on his book shelf. I didn't confront him about this, and he wasn't in the house when I found them. Now.....fastforward to yesterday.....i was at his place, and there were 2 Christmas cards out in the open on his coffee table. The cards were for his son (his son is 7yrs old and he is the son of another woman, not the ex wife). The cards were from the ex-wife, and she wrote something sweet addressed to the son. So, I directly asked him, "who is Maya?" ....he said "she is a friend of his son" lol. I then said, "well she must have been an ex of yours", and he said "yes, but that was many years ago". He flat out lied to me, didn't say she was his ex wife, and that they were married 2 years ago, which is less than "many years ago". I was so candid with telling him things about my past relationships and previous marriage, but I feel like he is holding back when he doesn't have to, and it's so unfair. Should I just confront him with what I found?
. 

[ShyViolet]

If you're not comfortable dating a guy who probably has some baggage and lingering feelings for his ex wife, then this is probably not the relationship for you.  If he only got divorced 2 years ago, but sometime after that (it's not clear when) he wrote a letter to her saying he wanted the marriage back, then those feelings are not that far in the past.  You've only been dating this guy for 2 months and you're already snooping.  It doesn't look promising for this relationship.  You would be better off cutting your losses and looking for someone else to date who doesn't have baggage like this that will make you so insecure.

[chrissychris01]

@ShyViolet Thank you for your response. I think we all have baggage in some way or another, but to not be honest and open with saying you were once married is another thing. I discussed my previous marriage with him, but he has not mentioned his at all, he said he was never married. I just wonder why he would keep that hidden from me.

[ShyViolet]

So if he has started the relationship with dishonesty then that's a really bad sign.  I would think really carefully before continuing to date him.

[chrissychris01]

@ShyViolet yes, you're right...I need to think carefully.

[Sanch62]

Confront is a strong word, and really, what good would a confrontation do? He's already lied. It won't undo that.

[flitzanu]

maybe he's not actually divorced.

[chrissychris01]

37 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Confront is a strong word, and really, what good would a confrontation do? He's already lied. It won't undo that.

That's true, but I guess it would make him tell me the truth in that moment

[Sanch62]

17 minutes ago, chrissychris01 said:

That's true, but I guess it would make him tell me the truth in that moment

For what purpose? Consider not allowing yourself to miss the real point. The guy told you outright that he was never married.

Are you seeking a way to overlook the lie if he can manipulate a 'good enough' reason for taking that route with you? Maybe if he's been damaged enough in childhood or comes up with a sympathetic enough story about his romantic past, this might seduce you into excusing the lie?

I get that you wish that this didn't happen. I can appreciate that it's a shock that you don't want to be true. Dating is about learning a person's values and character as much as whether they still turn you on over time. So stay clear-headed enough to recognize dealbreakers when you see them.

Rather than make this 'about him,' make it about you, instead. Go inward and consider whether staying involved with someone who blatantly lies about easily exposed facts is someone with whom you can feel secure and trusting in a future together. If you envision a future with trust and honesty, then duck away from this guy quickly, before you find yourself excusing stuff you'll never be able to reconcile because lying can't be undone by a good enough excuse--and your highest intelligence knows this and will always know it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'd let him go. 

Someone who lies about something as significant as having been married is someone with a seriously janky relationship with the truth in general. I wouldn't bother confronting him. I'd just see myself out and find a better-quality man.