skeptik224 Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Has anyone ever dated for someone for awhile and not ever be truly committed? Can you possibly share the intimacy and spending time together and not get attached? If you are just dating someone for the sake of going out and doing things, can you really keep it light?
slubberdegullion Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Has anyone ever dated for someone for awhile and not ever be truly committed?Yep. Can you possibly share the intimacy and spending time together and not get attached?Yes. And no. It depends what the expectations are going in to the relationship. Some can, some can't, some do, some don't. If you are just dating someone for the sake of going out and doing things, can you really keep it light?see above.
salmagundi Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Yeah, Skeptik, absolutely, probably the most health relationship I've had in a long time was with a girl I met in university back home a few years ago. We were so uncommitted that in 8 months I never even visited her place (she lived way out of town though) We had our little trysts in a room she kept in her fathers house (he was always out of town on business). We were quintessential FWB, in that we talked, shared, did things for each other had sex and had absolutely no commitment. And in eight months neither of us felt the need to move things to the next level. I think it was because we both new we would be seperated in april (I moved to Québec, she left town for a research position after grad.) It probably would have gone somewhere in time, she was really a wonderful girl and we still see each other when we visit back home...but it didnt work out that way. But you can imagine how right now, I look back on how this relationship was so unassuming and light and uncomplicated and I get a little nostalgic... anyway, salmagundi
riobikini Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 RE: Has anyone ever dated someone for awhile and not ever been truly committed? Can you possibly share the intimacy and spending time together and not get attached? If you are just dating someone for the sake of going out and doing things, can you really keep it light? Skeptic, You've asked a series of questions that are bound to cause automatic knee-jerk reactions in a lot of people visiting here, and will, probably, get a lot of response. Whether you asked the question specifically about the relationship that's already in the toilet, or the relationship(s) that might be possible at anytime during the aftermath, they're a bunch of damn good questions. They've held court a few times in my mind, too. Basically, I think everyone will get at least one chance in his/her lifetime to wonder about them, as well, regarding one relationship or another. You asked, " Has anyone ever dated someone for awhile and not ever been truly committed?" Answer: Yes, there are lovely bastards out there who purposely give you just enough physical and emotional signage to keep you in a 'go-nowhere' relationship just to have you available indefinitely, and for their own personal usage. Not to be confused with friendly dating, this relationship is not the same as one where the both of you have 'contracted' or agreed that you are not looking for anything serious and WANT to keep it 'light', oh, no, -this is a relationship that began with the sunlight of hope where you may have even verbally discussed important expectations of the relationship. But now that you have time to reflect on those discussions, you realize he/she only contributed enough to lead you on. Your next question, " Can you possibly share the intimacy and spending time together and not get attached? " Answer: The key phrase here, is 'spending time'. Spending time with someone only increases the chance of forming emotional ties with someone, -someone who may be bad for you, as well as someone who may be good for you- it doesn't matter which, because the emotions of a human being are blind. In a relationship where you have both agreed to keep it 'light', you may still run the risk of forming those emotional attachments the longer you are seeing each other. And often, it winds up being only one of you who turns out to be 'in love'. On the other hand, in a relationship where you have the hope of growing together as a couple, it can be devastating to finally realize you have all the 'love' emotions going and suddenly he/she, upon learning of your feelings, becomes as cold and distant as the Antarctic Tundra. You may wonder if they even have a heart. And you are quite sure they have something very, very wrong with them to have been unable to detect your growing emotions, all along. Maybe you even thought he/she was reciprocating some of your feelings during the relationship in some of the things you shared together, and you wonder how in the world anyone could have misinterpreted the signs and signals, and displays of love and affection you were giving. But somehow, they did. And that's what stings you most, -the fact that the person you fell for is such an alien, - so completely an unfeeling robot- that he/she is incapable of returning any emotion, or treating your feelings with respect, or perhaps, unable to even recognize love when it's smack in front of him/her. So the answer is 'yes', -there are creatures out there who can deliver this kind of headfu*k. Your last question, " If you are just dating someone for the sake of going out and doing things, can you really keep it light? " Answer: Sure. It would be nice to have that little conversation at the beginning, tho, that clears the air about what the 'light' expectations mean. You have to both truly be in 'friend' mode throughout the 'dating', -and have a deep respect for the friendship, keeping the boundaries in mind. For instance, (duh!) I strongly recommend that you should never consider sleeping together, if you want to keep it friendly. Crossing that line will only complicate, and likely, ruin the relationship. Last note on this: I live in the real world and realize that any dating scenario can turn into something more. Friendship is the basis for any relationship that has a real chance at surviving. With this in mind, and having already given my primary answer on the 'rules' of friendly dating, I also know that the potential for friendly dating to evolve into romance is always a possibility, especially if , over time, you discover a phenomenal chemistry and physical attraction, have mutual respect for each other, and common interests and values. So if your friend winds up being the love of your life, don't be surprised, -be thankful and happy, instead, that you'll never have to wonder about any of these confusing and painful questions, again. (Smile) Take care. -Rio
Author skeptik224 Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 Thanks for the replies....looking for more input from others Rio - My ex and I were good friends prior to our situation (which you are all too familiar with). I ask those questions because she stated that she wanted to date around, learn, grow and party. (you'd think she's be past that stage but oh well) Anyway, she is dating someone - was dating 2 people, and I was trying to get a hold on things. I personally can't date around - if I'm intimate with one person - that's enough. I couldn't be intimate with someone if I wasn't interested in seeing where we could go. Not everybody is like that as I'm learning. I feel that she is definately the kind of person who can just do that - although in the past has been a serial monogamist. She's made it quite clear that I had nothing to do with the break-up - that it was all her and the space she is/was in. I'm slowly starting to let her go from my heart, but at times, I tend can't help but wonder..... I'm a firm believer in becomming friends before anything else but I do know that sometimes it's not possible. I'm just trying to get some clarity on peoples' points of views as not everybody thinks like me. (thank God )
riobikini Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, Skeptik, (Smile) -you're going to make some very lucky girl deliriously happy someday soon. Hugs, -Rio
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