Intimacy Issues 40F, 43M - 20 year relationship

[matrid415]

My husband and I don't see eye to eye on intimacy. The thing that has caused me the most frustrations over the course of our relationship is his lack of wanted to please me. I definitely have a higher sex drive than him but what I have an issue with is that he is quite comfortable climaxing without returning the favour. The excuses vary; his back hurts, he feels sleepy after he climaxes, he did tell me during intercourse that i should take it slower so it's basically my fault. He also doesn't like to give oral sex, of course very happy to receive. It's quite a one sided situation 90% of the time and this adds to the frustration. I find it hard to understand how he is happy to act this way when he has it very different the other way. I can't stomach that he doesn't enjoy making me climax enough, that he just ignores it. There is a lack of intimacy overall and I gave up on good foreplay some time ago. This has spilled into other areas of our relationship and i have pulled back slightly over the years. For example i personally do not like to give massages, it hurts my hands and i'm not great at it. So i have been vocal about this and have refused to do it more recently. He's very upset with me because he says it's uncaring because his back hurts. I explained that i feel justified in refusing now as i have been used to that pull back from him on other areas as explained. God i'm really so over this, but of course after 20 years there's a whole stability with co owning a house, 2 small children etc. Is 20 years just too long? Am i being unreasonable for wanting and needing more?

[Herkamer63]

He may be feeling physically rough. He is in his 40s, and later on I'm going to be hitting that magical 4-0 in April. And maybe he doesn't always want to have bedroom fun. Some nights, especially after a long day, he may just want to relax. That's pretty simple. I think the other issue, though, after reading this is what are you doing to please him? Bedroom fun is one thing, but have you considered, especially after 20 years of marriage, that there may be other things he'd like to do? What are some hobbies he enjoys? Do you cook him dinner after he gets home from work? Have you considered that he would like to go somewhere he hasn't been to? Is there a possibility that he works so hard to please you that he may feel unappreciated? Yeah, I get there's things you would like to see happen, but from what I'm reading, it sounds like things in this marriage that benefit you only while he may get little to nothing. Something as simple as getting him his favorite drink after he gets home from work can go a long way. Making him his favorite meal every now and then helps, too. I think it may be time to asking him what he would like done. And if it's as simple as once a week to go hang out with his friends every now and then without any issues, he should go do it. Anyway, bottom line is that he's not falling out of love, per se, but he may feel like he's being used as an object rather than being seen as your husband. Start by having a civil discussion with him and see what's going on and go from there.