matrid415 Posted January 15 Posted January 15 My husband and I don't see eye to eye on intimacy. The thing that has caused me the most frustrations over the course of our relationship is his lack of wanted to please me. I definitely have a higher sex drive than him but what I have an issue with is that he is quite comfortable climaxing without returning the favour. The excuses vary; his back hurts, he feels sleepy after he climaxes, he did tell me during intercourse that i should take it slower so it's basically my fault. He also doesn't like to give oral sex, of course very happy to receive. It's quite a one sided situation 90% of the time and this adds to the frustration. I find it hard to understand how he is happy to act this way when he has it very different the other way. I can't stomach that he doesn't enjoy making me climax enough, that he just ignores it. There is a lack of intimacy overall and I gave up on good foreplay some time ago. This has spilled into other areas of our relationship and i have pulled back slightly over the years. For example i personally do not like to give massages, it hurts my hands and i'm not great at it. So i have been vocal about this and have refused to do it more recently. He's very upset with me because he says it's uncaring because his back hurts. I explained that i feel justified in refusing now as i have been used to that pull back from him on other areas as explained. God i'm really so over this, but of course after 20 years there's a whole stability with co owning a house, 2 small children etc. Is 20 years just too long? Am i being unreasonable for wanting and needing more?
Herkamer63 Posted January 15 Posted January 15 He may be feeling physically rough. He is in his 40s, and later on I'm going to be hitting that magical 4-0 in April. And maybe he doesn't always want to have bedroom fun. Some nights, especially after a long day, he may just want to relax. That's pretty simple. I think the other issue, though, after reading this is what are you doing to please him? Bedroom fun is one thing, but have you considered, especially after 20 years of marriage, that there may be other things he'd like to do? What are some hobbies he enjoys? Do you cook him dinner after he gets home from work? Have you considered that he would like to go somewhere he hasn't been to? Is there a possibility that he works so hard to please you that he may feel unappreciated? Yeah, I get there's things you would like to see happen, but from what I'm reading, it sounds like things in this marriage that benefit you only while he may get little to nothing. Something as simple as getting him his favorite drink after he gets home from work can go a long way. Making him his favorite meal every now and then helps, too. I think it may be time to asking him what he would like done. And if it's as simple as once a week to go hang out with his friends every now and then without any issues, he should go do it. Anyway, bottom line is that he's not falling out of love, per se, but he may feel like he's being used as an object rather than being seen as your husband. Start by having a civil discussion with him and see what's going on and go from there.
Els Posted January 18 Posted January 18 (edited) On 1/15/2026 at 7:49 PM, matrid415 said: Am i being unreasonable for wanting and needing more? Not unreasonable at all. The problem here is that people unfortunately tend to treat you the way you allow them to. For 20 years this man has put zero effort into giving you pleasure, yet he receives orgasms from you whenever he wants. So what is the incentive for him to change? You're already giving him your cake to eat and then baking him another one so he can have that too... It's going to be really difficult to make changes after so long, but you're going to have to set up boundaries if you want to have any hope of things improving. For one thing, I'd suggest that you should have a conversation with him (with the lights on and the clothes on) about how you're unhappy about your one-sided sex life, and asking him if he's willing to make a few small changes. E.g. attending sex-positive marriage counseling together, and him trying to give you pleasure before having intercourse. If he doesn't want to give oral and his back hurts, there are other things that he can do, like using his hands or toys. The counselor should be able to offer other suggestions that work for both of you too. If he's unwilling to do any of that, stop having sex. There's no point in doing something completely one-sided for a person who has no interest in reciprocating. 20 years isn't a long time at all for intimacy. H and I have been together for 18 years and he gives me so many orgasms that the neighbours are probably sick of hearing us, honestly. For us sex isn't over until both people are satisfied. It's been this way since Day 1, and the duration of the relationship doesn't change that. However, 20 years is a very long time to be putting up with terrible sex. I hope things get better for you, in whatever form that takes. Edited January 18 by Els
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