I feel like my girlfriend doesn't love me anymore

[romulus]

I really don't know what's going on with my girlfriend and I need help navigating this. So we met a few months ago and become official in mid october. We hung out alot and enjoyed each others presence. However though, she fell into a depression in early december and started missing classes and ended up dropped out. I noticed around this time she became a bit to distant. When we texted, she seemed kinda annoyed at everything I'd say. She even got annoyed when I told her I'm here for her and to talk to me if she ever needs anything. We both went home for winter break for about a month and that entire time she would take a long time to respond to my texts and was still annoyed with me for no reason. When she got back she moved into an apartment 15 minutes away. I figured we could still keep our relationship going because I have a car. So when I get back I asked if she wants to hang out, and she did not seem to have any urge to want to see me. I said we don't have to hang out and she said its fine and to pick her up. she didn't say much in the car drive, and when we got to my dorm she was just on her phone the whole time and didn't really want to talk to me or even look at me. I put my hand on her shoulder and she moved away and said she didn't want to be touched. (I do respect her boundaries if she doesn't want to be touched, but I found it real odd that after not seeing each other for a month, she doesn't even want my hand on her shoulder.) I gave her my christmas gift and doordashed her some food, and didn't seem appreciative at all. I was planning on having her spend the night, but she instead wanted to get an uber (which is like $30) instead of me driving her home the next day. I walked her out to the uber and she said bye in a very low effort tone and didn't even look at me while she was getting in the car. While we were hanging out I asked if she was okay or if she was mad at me and she said no. I really don't know what I did wrong this whole relationship. I will admit, I'm not the best communicator, as I don't have relationship experience, but I never said anything mean or hurtful to her. I understand this is a difficult time for her as she doesn't currently have a job, and clearly has depression, but I can't tell why she's acting this way. So my main question is, what should I say to her after a night like that? and how should I proceed? Because it's so clear that she's not the same person from when I first met her. I'm not saying I want to break up, but I don't know where to go from here. Thank you for listening

[Acacia98]

OP, don't get into the habit of carrying the weight of an entire relationship on your shoulders. You're not a martyr. If the other person decides to put their part of the load down, stop, put your part down too, and allow the relationship to die a natural death.

It sounds like the two of you have only been together for a brief time, so you may not know what she is truly like. Perhaps what you're seeing right now is who she genuinely is.

Her actions are telling you she doesn't want to be with you, so respect her boundaries, respect yourself, and let her go.

[ExpatInItaly]

19 hours ago, romulus said:

I'm not saying I want to break up, but I don't know where to go from here.

But it's pretty clear that she does  -  and lacks the courage to tell you that. 

This is way too much for a relationship that is only a couple months old. It's disappointing but this is not going to work out. I would bow out now and save yourself the inevitable headache that comes from dragging out a dead relationship. 

[Sanch62]

Depressed people are not relationship material. No amount of love can cure them. Just the opposite. It positions you as a doormat to be taken for granted, and after that, even if the depression gets treated, they've lost all respect for you for catering to their lack of reciprocation.

Pull back, leave her alone, and if she ever heals to a point of reflection and appreciation for you, she knows how to reach you to let you know. Meanwhile, date other people and find someone inspiring who can match your energy.

[Lotsgoingon]

What do you mean you don't understand?

Depressed people (not always) can easily fall into self-loathing and thus not want to be touched. When depressed, it's totally typical for people to NOT want to be social. You don't have energy for being social. You might be confusing feeling a little bummed with being depressed.

Depressed people need to get treated. They need support from their family. There is nothing you can do. OK, I think I get it. I have so much experience with depression (both my own and friends and family members) that I forget that many people (especially many young people) may not really understand how devastating and paralyzing depression is.

You got to google google severe depression (likely if she had to drop out of school, her depression was severe). It's physiological. It's not just some "mental" thing--though paradoxically the right kind of talk therapy can help (and meds can help). Severe depression undermines the ability to sleep, changes appetite. Makes doing the smallest and dumbest of tasks (let me empty the trash) absolutely overwhelming. You experience increases in stress hormones. You are more susceptible to pain. Depression interferes with recovery from surgery.  The person's system is responding to the crisis. 

You're reacting as if she's just having a bad day. It's way beyond that. 

 

 

[Herkamer63]

This one's tough and I don't want to mislead you, but there's not a lot to go off of. If she were getting bad grades and could be flunking out, that's one way reason. The other reason is she was getting decent grades but not good enough to get into a program she wanted to get into. It gets very tough to keep up on grades in college, let alone a masters program, and can cause great stress that may result in depression. Another reason could be someone really close in her family, or a really good friend, passed away and is having a time coming to grips with it. Drugs can create problems as well, especially if she's on any kind of strong substance. The only other reason I can think of (and I know you don't want this to be true, neither do I) is there's another guy and it's driving her crazy she can't be with him instead of you.

Very long story short(er), a woman I dated back in 2020. She lost her brother that year, who took his own life. It messed her up mentally, and in addition it was discovered her brother did a terrible act to his daughter, in which triggered a memory of childhood trauma that happened to her also by her father. She also received the un-aliving note from him through text and did everything she could to try and stop him from doing it through contact with him, talking to her family, his family, but nothing worked and he still did it. She blamed herself for not trying hard enough. This all disturbed her greatly and she went through counseling. That year, I started going out with her and found out she use to be engaged at one point to a man that took advantage of her. Found out later her ex-fiance passed away the last time we went out. Weeks later, it was her deceased brother's birthday and shortly after that, she ghosted me just before I went on vacation. I was worried about her because I thought that maybe it had everything to do with the events of her brother's passing. I contacted her sister and her brother in-law to see if she was okay, and they said she was, with her even saying good things about me. I got back from vacation and about to drop off her gift that I got her while away, but she turned it down and said that we were not going to work out. I was like you, left distressed and heart broken, but because I'm friends her sister and brother in-law they told me the truth. It wasn't me nor was it really her brother's passing, although it played a role and could have served as an alibi. Rather, it was because of her EX-FIANCE passing.

For some context, her ex and herself had not been together 5 years prior before I came along. What I was told about him, from her and her sister, he was not a good person at all. Lied constantly, took money from her, yelled at her often, arrogant, condescending,  just rotten to the core. He even bought a fake engagement ring and tried to pass it off as real, after his friends did things to try and cover it up the best they can. Her sister found out it was a fake after getting it checked out and this woman, for the longest time, didn't believe her. This man also lied about his status as a massage therapist, as if he were nationally acclaimed. This woman bought into it, as well as finding him highly attractive, and he was very charming from what I can base what she and her sister were both telling me. Before they were engaged, she mentioned how happy he made her in the good times, and from what it sounds like they did a lot. Then when they got engaged, the switch flipped and he changed. After they called off the engagement, though, this guy got together with another woman and got married. The last date I went out with her, she received a call from this man's wife informing her that he had passed away. I remember she started acting a little differently and a few weeks after, she had gone out of town to meet a friend of hers. Not only was it where she met her friend but also her ex. I never asked, but I kind of believe she went down to attend his funeral service. Despite all the negatives she had said about him, it was always followed up by a compliment or 2, as if she never wanted to leave him.

I won't go there say that's what is happening with you and this woman because there's simply not enough information for anyone to go off of. But what I do know is whenever an ex-lover passes away, this kind of distance between 2 people happens often. Something else I found out about the woman I dated from her sister was she was suppose to be on anti-depressants. She wasn't taking them. She wasn't suppose to be drinking much when on them. She drank. And she did a variety of other things that were not good. She made it difficult for others to get close to her. I can't prover it, but nearly 2 years later, it was as if she wanted to get back together with me. After everything I learned and the heartbreak I went through, I made sure that I wasn't showing anymore interest again. Since then, I haven't seen her in person again. My point is this might not be the best time to try and save the relationship. She is making irrational decisions and it could be linked to something from her past that she needs to resolve. Don't try to fix it for her. That's not your job. She's mistreating you by acting the way she is and it'll only get worse. What I'm trying to say is it might be best for you to call it off. I made a mistake by not moving on from the woman in my story sooner, but because I was in a love trance and didn't want to believe that she might not be worth it, I ended up down in the dumps. From one man to another, this doesn't seem like a healthy relationship. For all I know you could be rebound. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm being mean spirited. It's not my intent, but rather I've dealt with someone going through serious personal problems and it didn't end as well as it should have. The worst part is the silence because it drives you crazy, not sure if she's okay or not. All she's doing at this point is making you feel miserable, and misery loves company. If life on your end is going well , don't let this take you down because of someone who's unhappy and trying to fix their situation. It's not happening. Think about it, and understand I'm simply here to offer some help, as someone who went through something similar before.