Self judgment, family judgment and coming out.

[Jaccinta]

I come from a very conservative family and I managed to break the mold somewhat but I’m struggling with my own emotions and self judgment over things I’ve done and am doing. I’d love to speak to people that may have gone through the same and have come out the other side so to speak.

I was a virgin until I was nearly 20 and even though I had been with my boyfriend 1.5 years my parents were horrified it happened before marriage. They wanted to marry me off to this boy quickly but he didn’t want that and so we split and it’s almost like I had someone looking over my should with everything I did after that. They kept trying to set me up with nice boys from church and I did go on dates with some but there was no attraction.

A year later a girlfriend was moving interstate and it was just at the time I was ready for a change. I asked if I could go with her and she was ecstatic, it didn’t go over well with my family but I stood strong against the pressure and I essentially started a new life at 22 on the other side of the country.

It was a full year before I saw anyone and he introduced me to my body and I spent 3 intense years with him learning about myself and I thought I had found “the one”. He tragically passed in a car accident and I went on a bit of a downward spiral for a year before I was convinced to get myself back out there my my roommate, the same girl I moved here with.

I think I have changed forever because I just compared every man I was with to my exbf and none of them stood up. Then during some reflection I realized I had kissed like 6 men been with 3 of them in the space of a year. I felt sick. I tried to justify it but all I could hear were the words of my family if they knew. It scared me. Was that really who I’ve become? My roommate assured me that it was normal and that if anything the numbers are low but I’ve got years of conditioning that says otherwise and I struggled with it. A lot!

I focused on myself for a while but I still had my family hassling me constantly about my age and marriage and I was getting too old that I would be 30 soon and no-one would want me as I was too old for children. They were quite brutal actually.

And now to why I am here. It was my 30th birthday party, the one without my family, and towards then end of the night a female colleague expressed a real fondness in me and she kissed me. My whole word changed in that instant. It was like I just found my true self, found what I always wanted but never even knew it. I am embarrassed to admit this but we spent the night together that night and we had never even been on a date.

She has stayed with me through all the self doubt and loathing that I am lesbian, but I’ve learned to say it proudly, I AM a lesbian. I truly love her like I’ve never loved before but my parents will judge me if (I guess when) I tell them and God judges me now. If I have to live with sin to be with this woman then I will and I will just have to pay my penance when the time comes.

We’re coming up to 2 years together and we need to move forward, she has asked me to marry her and I have said yes. So to anyone who has any similar circumstances please help me out. How do I tell my family? What if they disown me? How did you deal with your own emotions around faith and sin?

It’s really hard loving someone so much, but then dealing with your own guilt from an indoctrinated upbringing for just being with them, but then knowing my entire family will hate me for this is just a weight I am struggling with.

The last 2 years are the happiest of my life. I AM going to marry her. I deserve to be happy. I just wish I could do it with my family and my faith.

[Gebidozo]

First of all, congratulations for staying true to yourself and to your feelings, fighting for your happiness through the tough times. I admire you for your integrity.

Second, I think you need to make it clear to your family that they must back off if they want to stay in touch with you. If I were you, I’d warn them that any more judgmental attitude and pressure from them will lead to permanent loss of contact.

You can’t live in the shadow of your family’s narrow-minded prejudices. You have to stand up to them and reclaim your right to live your own life. Tell them openly that you’re lesbian. If they can’t accept that, it’s their problem, not yours.

Third, as someone who believes in God and Jesus Christ, I think that he is infinitely more understanding and merciful than your parents. I struggled through many disagreements with what various Christian organizations teach. At some point, I realized that I believe what I believe, and if the church disagrees then so be it, I can’t violate my heart and my mind and I’m sure God wouldn’t want that.

Your relationship with God is personal, so keep it that way. Ask God for guidance and you’ll hear his voice through the thicket of human-made doctrines.

[Jaccinta]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You can’t live in the shadow of your family’s narrow-minded prejudices. You have to stand up to them and reclaim your right to live your own life. Tell them openly that you’re lesbian. If they can’t accept that, it’s their problem, not yours.

I can't and I won't let them ruin this for me but it's so hard to even say I would never see them again. I don't like the way they bastardize faith to be judgmental but they are still my family and I love them.

[ShyViolet]

Your family is completely emotionally abusive.  They shouldn't be telling you what to do with your love life/dating/marriage.  I would never tolerate a family member thinking they can control my life like that, I would be disowning THEM if they tried that.

Tell your family about this, proudly and openly.  If they react with negativity, hate, or judgment then they are showing you who THEY are.  If their reaction is to disown you then they don't love you.  You are better off without this toxic abuse in your life.  Don't tolerate it.

[ShyViolet]

15 hours ago, Jaccinta said:

 Then during some reflection I realized I had kissed like 6 men been with 3 of them in the space of a year. I felt sick. I tried to justify it but all I could hear were the words of my family if they knew. It scared me. Was that really who I’ve become? My roommate assured me that it was normal and that if anything the numbers are low but I’ve got years of conditioning that says otherwise and I struggled with it. A lot!

There's nothing bad or abnormal about kissing 6 guys and being with 3 in a year.  That's completely normal for a young person who's in the dating world.  Your family has really brainwashed you and done a lot of damage to you in making you feel like you need to judge yourself so badly like this.  You need to heal from all the damage your family has done to you and get rid of their judgmental voices inside your head.  But it's good that you do recognize it and are starting to move in the right direction towards living your life.

[Els]

From everything that I've read, it sounds like YOU need to disown THEM. Don't let them beat you to it.

Guilt from a conservative and hard upbringing can certainly be difficult to free yourself from. This is something that a good therapist can help you with. You need to be free of your abusive family first though, because if they are still constantly hammering you with religious guilt-tripping, there's nothing that you or a therapist can do.

 

[Sanch62]

I have a cousin who's lived happily with her partner for 40 years without any issues from our large Catholic family. She simply doesn't discuss her private sex life with anyone whom she chooses not to know about it.

Gay pride doesn't deprive you of discretion. You needn't be bullied into making any announcements you don't wish to make. Your wedding can be as private or public as you choose. Intrusive questions about your life don't require answers. You can say, "Thanks for your concern. When I wish to discuss such things, I'll let you know." Or, "Thank you for the suggestion, I will consider it..." Then redirect the conversation, and deflect any negative pressures with a request for the same degree of respect for privacy you're willing to offer to them.

You're an adult, and tribal pressure isn't something you 'must' endure or engage. You can draw your own lines, repurpose your faith as you see fit, create the kind of nuclear family you wish to create, and adopt loving people into your sphere as your additional 'family'. Meanwhile, you can respect the limits of those you love without a need for a face-off on who is 'right' about how you live your life. That's a useless wheelspin, and it's entirely unnecessary.

We can't change others. We can accept them just as we wish to be accepted by them, and this may require overlooking what we regard as their flaws just as we require them to pipe down over whatever they may regard as flaws in us. Not everyone must love everything about everyone else. There's no law to impose that, only our own fantasies and idealism becoming tyrannical. If you can gut-check your ego, it doesn't need to get in your way.

Head high, and enjOy your loving partner.