Pushing boundaries too far or overreaction from me?

[AnastassiaTX]

WTF is wrong with people always wanting to push boundaries in relationships. What’s wrong with just using common sense? No, I didn’t tell him he can’t get in the hot tub with two topless women but ffs dude.

Anyway I guess an explanation is needed. We were on holiday at a resort. The pool and surrounding wet areas are sort of clothing optional, tops off only. He goes down for a swim, I come down an hour or so later and he’s in the hot tub with two topless women one either side of him. There were other people in there but there was enough room to spread out. I mean he’s definitely getting some side boob touching him every time anyone moved. I can only imagine what it would have looked like if one of them turned around to grab their drinks behind them. It would definitely have been a face full of boob.

He could see I was mad and got out. I didn’t make a scene but we spoke later. He said other people were in the hot tub when he got in, when they got in it was a tight fit and they chose to sit either side of him. He tried to move aside but they didn’t want to sit touching each other as they were mom and daughter. When people got out they didn’t move. Now I don’t buy that. They didn’t look far enough apart in age for starters and even if they were when others got out and there was space move apart then move apart!!

I don’t care about the boobs, I really wouldn’t care if they were naked, the female body is a gorgeous thing, but sitting as close as they were, anyone looking on would think they were together and there was no need for them to be once people got out.

He says I’m overreacting and he never touched them inappropriately. I don’t doubt that but he still didn’t need to be the meat in the sandwich to start with and even more once others got out.

This is not a deal breaker for me but before I reiterate what’s acceptable and what I'm expecting from him in that situation am I overreacting? I don’t want to come across as a jealous clingy girlfriend. I don’t believe I am that but am I? At the end of the day as he puts it, he was in the hot tub with some boobs at a place where we knew there would be boobs everywhere and nothing happened.

Oh, 19f and 22m, together a year. This was our 1 year anniversary holiday.

[Gebidozo]

Everyone has their own boundaries. I can only say that I wouldn’t swim with naked girls like that, I’d consider it disrespectful to my partner.

[FredEire]

Yes, I do think you're overreacting if you basically went to a nudist resort and when he went for a swim there happened to be well, naked women around.

If they were flirty and getting touchy-feely with him and he was enjoying it and giving it back, that's a different story. But I don't think it's proportionate that he can't simply go for a swim in a place where people are naked.

 

[flitzanu]

would you be having the same meltdown if the two girls were not topless?

you say multiple times it wasn't about them being topless, but then keep mentioning them being topless.

your reaction is yours and valid how you feel, but you can't go to a topless resort and then get mad that people are topless.

[FredEire]

25 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

would you be having the same meltdown if the two girls were not topless?

you say multiple times it wasn't about them being topless, but then keep mentioning them being topless.

your reaction is yours and valid how you feel, but you can't go to a topless resort and then get mad that people are topless.

Exactly, and he should be judged by his actions, not by merely being around topless women in the same pool at a nudist resort.

It seems to be sexualising the women going topless as well, when by the sound of it they were just there minding their own business. They weren't wearing a bra because they didn't have to a didn't to, not because they wanted to seduce him.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, AnastassiaTX said:

WTF is wrong with people always wanting to push boundaries in relationships

So,  I am going to guess this is not the first time something like this has happened? Because this isn't something "people" are "always" doing - but it sounds like your boyfriend pushes your boundaries. Is that a more accurate statement? 

10 hours ago, AnastassiaTX said:

a place where we knew there would be boobs everywhere

10 hours ago, AnastassiaTX said:

This was our 1 year anniversary holiday.

So whose idea was it to go to Tata-Town for your anniversary? That was certainly... a choice. 

Edited yesterday at 07:47 PM by ExpatInItaly

[AnastassiaTX]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

Exactly, and he should be judged by his actions, not by merely being around topless women in the same pool at a nudist resort.

It seems to be sexualising the women going topless as well, when by the sound of it they were just there minding their own business. They weren't wearing a bra because they didn't have to a didn't to, not because they wanted to seduce him.

I need to explain myself better. I don't care that they were topless, I care that when he had the chance he didn't move away from being shoulder to shoulder with them, so much so that every time one of them moved the boobs would touch him. It's about that contact and the fact it could have been avoided. If when I came the hot tub was full and he was squeezed up with them I would understand but when I got there there were other seats to move to which would make more sense that staying squeezed up in between to women. 

As for them, I'm not sure of their intentions. Why would they sit so close to a random guy after there was room in the tub? I would think most people would at least a foot away just for comfort if nothing else.

[AnastassiaTX]

7 hours ago, flitzanu said:

would you be having the same meltdown if the two girls were not topless?

I'm glad you raised this and it made me think. Yes, I think I would still think the same. There would still be no reason for them to sit so tight to each other and sure any accidental boob contact would be covered but I'd still wonder why they didn't spread out.

[Els]

16 hours ago, AnastassiaTX said:

I need to explain myself better. I don't care that they were topless, I care that when he had the chance he didn't move away from being shoulder to shoulder with them

If it's a problem for you that he is sitting next to other people in a topless hot tub, then you two need to not go to a place where people can be topless in hot tubs. Hot tubs aren't massive, there's usually not a lot of space in them to begin with, being shoulder to shoulder happens!

You can't just agree to an activity and then assume that the other person knows exactly what is allowed or disallowed in that activity. Next time talk to him ahead of time, or just don't visit topless places in the future.

 

[FredEire]

17 hours ago, AnastassiaTX said:

I need to explain myself better. I don't care that they were topless, I care that when he had the chance he didn't move away from being shoulder to shoulder with them, so much so that every time one of them moved the boobs would touch him. It's about that contact and the fact it could have been avoided. If when I came the hot tub was full and he was squeezed up with them I would understand but when I got there there were other seats to move to which would make more sense that staying squeezed up in between to women. 

As for them, I'm not sure of their intentions. Why would they sit so close to a random guy after there was room in the tub? I would think most people would at least a foot away just for comfort if nothing else.

Hot tubs aren't particularly big, and whatever these womens' intentions were is their deal rather than you or your boyfriend's.

Maybe they thought he was cute and were flirting, sure, but what matters more is how active he was in the whole thing and you don't really have the context for that.

In his position to be honest he's probably there just to enjoy the hot-tub, he doesnt know these women or what these intentions are. I feel like it would be extremely awkward to suddenly stand up and move to the other side of the pool, unless they were actively harrassing him or something.

It seems to me you are telling yourself a big story about your boyfriend's ability to be faithful around attractive women, without much context or evidence that he was really doing anything suspect, and there are a lot more innocent explanations that are far more likely.

Now I'm not saying it's impossible that he was out of line or deliberately placed himself there to flirt, or whatever, but you dont know that. I think it's also worth keeping in mind the bit where you say "he saw that I was mad and got out", if being in the vicinity of attractive women in general is going to provoke a reaction every time it happens, it's going to wear away at him over time and create resentment.