Advice for a 39yr old

[Cyberellaa]

Long post incoming. Grab your snacks and a soda, this is a doozy;


Let me start by saying I'm a 39 yr old female and the man I'm speaking of is 48 yrs old. He and I have known each other for over year but we decided to take things past friendship in July. Let me make this clear, I pursued him. From the beginning, he wondered why I would want to talk to him, that a woman who looks like me (5'7, curvy) wouldn't want a guy who looks like him (5'6, slender.) He has a Napoleon complex and is a self proclaimed male chauvinist. On the 4th of July he introduced me to his mother and his 2 adult daughters. So far, so good. Then I met his older brother and some of his childhood friends a month later. We would take walks to the park together. We'd lay in bed talking for hours. We were holding hands, being seen by anyone we knew as a couple. Once again, everything was going well. At least in that department, in his career, not so much. He quit his job and was having a rough time nailing down another full time position for a couple of months. I supported him any way I could. Even while my female friends were in my ear saying stuff like, "What can he do for you? He can't pay your bills. He can't take you out on dates." I wasn't interested in material things. All I ever asked and wanted from him, was honesty, communication and loyalty. We spent a lot of time together while he was job searching but eventually we were barely spending any time together because he was doing Door Dash on the side. This sudden lack of quality time caused a lot of arguments for us. I'd get upset because he would make plans to spend certain days together and then just not tell me he was dashing instead. When we weren't arguing about that, we were arguing because of his past relationship trauma that he never healed from so I was being compared to exes or I was being punished for scars that I didn't even cause. Other times, he was doing what I termed as being a, "master of self-sabotage" because he would get in his head, overthink a scenario and make something out of nothing. He thought I would have sex with a mutual male friend because he saw us talking a lot in public. He thought I would get back to an ex of mine because he couldn't give me the quality time I needed. Add in that he has a drinking dependency and it's a recipe for disaster.

But it wasn't always him. I played a part too. Neither of us communicate well. We're both hot headed. He gets so riled up that he starts yelling and screaming. Talking over you with that whole, "let me finish, let me finish!" There's been times where I'll hang up the phone and 5 minutes later, he's texting me, still going. I get snappy and my mouth can be very nasty. I have a comeback for everything. Other times, I get passive aggressive. He told me once, "You know what, you get on my nerves" and my response was a very calm, "And you get on my nerves too." After his birthday, he finally got a job that he enjoyed. He was so excited to start working, vowing to pay me back while he rebuilt his life. He did pay me back and even took me out on a date.

Then things went extremely left. During November he became very silent. Barely texting. Not calling. Not returning calls. Eventually he reached out with a long text letting me know that he was going through things. Family drama, a death in the family, his job had cut his hours to part time and to this day, I STILL don't know why that happened but I understood. I know how he is, he goes through things silently and alone. When he's ready to talk, he'll reach out but don't force him to talk when he doesn't want to. I made that mistake before and he snapped at me. So I just sent supportive text messages and that's it. We were going to spend Thanksgiving together, but his family wanted to be together so I went silent but I was starting to feel some kind of way. Putting in so many hours at your new job and wanting to get your life back in order, I understand that. Having curve balls thrown at you and not knowing how to handle it, I understand that. But there was so much distance between us that it started to make me wonder if he even was still interested.

December comes in. He's still silent for the first week or 2 but then he sends me another long message. About how he'd been thinking, trying to pinpoint what was going on with him. He was struggling with the fact that he's not where he wants to be financially. That it makes him look like a failure compared to his siblings and he was almost ready to just give up on life. End it, but he couldn't give up on his responsibilities or on me. He worded it as, "Just think of it as your man going to war. I might be gone sometimes but I'll come back." I responded with, "I know you won't come back the same way you left, but I hope you come back even better than you were before." We had a lovey dovey moment. He wrote a poem about me, told me I melt his heart with my words. We were fine. Then I took him groceries on December 14th. A little after 12pm. This had become a thing where I'd make sure his fridge was stocked each month. Just to show I care about his well being. When I got there, he didn't hug me, he didn't kiss me. Immediately I felt something was off. We sat on the bed and watched football for a bit, talking about life. Then his neighbor, a older guy, called him to ask for his tools. He said, "I'll be right back", left his phone on the bed and went down the hallway. I can fully admit now, this was messed up to do but my gut instinct kept saying look in his phone. So I did. He had an Android, so I pulled up his messages first. I don't see anything alarming. I open up his "Files." Now, he's the kind of guy who looks at half naked women on Facebook and saves the pictures to his phone. I'm sure for "use" later. But the first picture is what made me sick to my stomach. There was a half naked woman in this picture. I couldn't see her face but what I noticed, was the bed sheets she was on top of. At first I thought, no, that can't be his bed. Then I looked at the pillow underneath her head and I turned to my left. The same pillow, same design. His same purple fitted bed sheet. His same dark blue blanket. So I looked at the "file info" on the picture. Date: December 14th. Time: 10AM. So this woman was literally IN his bed half naked 2 hours before he texted me about the groceries and here I was laying in the SAME SPOT she was just laying in. At first I left his apartment, got on the elevator and was headed back home. Then I turned around, got back on the elevator and went back to his floor. As soon as I got to his door, he was coming back from his neighbor's. He saw my facial expression, so he knew something was up. At first it was, "Why are you standing out here? What's happened?" Then it turned into, "What did I do now?" I said, "Nice picture." He looked confused, asking what picture, what was I talking about. When I said, "She's in your bed", his face dropped. Of course he was more upset that I went through his phone, trying to argue about that. He asked if I was coming back in the house, I said "absolutely not" and went home.

At first it was the whole, "It's not what you think! I didn't have sex with her. I don't want anyone else. I want you!", then it was, "I made a mistake. I know she shouldn't have been here. I just didn't know where me and you were at, you're like a roller coaster sometimes. I shouldn't have invited her up." It changed again to, "I thought you were done with me. This was during the time where I tried to quick drinking cold turkey and went on a binge. I was bar hopping with coworkers. I don't even know how I got home or who she was." Sprinkled in was him still being upset about me going through his phone. Saying I snuck to find out his password then invaded his privacy in his house. By then I had emotionally checked out and responded as such. Letting him know, he left his phone unlocked (which he did and after I found the picture, I left the picture open and threw his phone on the bed so he would know I saw it) and when he tried to say the other pictures I saw were pictures of me, I responded with, "Nice try but I've never taken a picture in a red bikini in front of a mirror." I walked away because I knew he was lying. His stories weren't adding up, the picture info wasn't adding up with his stories. I was heartbroken while he claimed he was extremely remorseful, that he'd never regretted something so bad as what he did. That he felt stupid. He and I argued like cats and dogs, yes. We both have past relationship trauma we're still healing from, yes but I NEVER sought anyone outside of him. No matter how much he thought I had a dude on the side or he didn't always know where I was or who I was with, I made it very clear to him from day one, I'm looking to find my PERSON. I've done all that other stuff in my dating/relationship life, I'm searching for my other half.

Eventually he told the truth. That everything he said before was a lie. He didn't meet her at a bar, he met her at the job. He knew who she was. They hadn't been flirting for very long but he did invite her over after work. He took the picture of her on purpose. That some of the stuff he said was out of desperation. As he said, "I said whatever I could think of so I wouldn't lose you." I only found all of this out after I reached out to HIM before the New Years to squash everything so I didn't carry all that hurt and pain into 2026. Even though he claimed he wanted to say something to me so badly, he didn't because he didn't want to make things worse. He didn't want to say the incorrect thing and he felt it was best to just leave me alone. As I told him, if he had just told the truth from the very beginning, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad between us.

We tried to fix it. December 30th we had a long talk on the phone. He got emotional saying I belong in his life. He even asked me, "Are you my wife?" because he felt like we're soulmates. He confessed to more things, including how deep his depression had gotten to the point of negative thoughts. We spent New Years night together like we used to. He cooked us dinner, we listened to music. HE spoke of the situation again. Still saying how horrible he felt for what he did. That he had no excuses and I wasn't to blame. That I had a right to be emotional about it. He started saying he loved me. He wanted to make us official that night. He said he wanted to mark my heart. It was nice and I was looking forward to seeing a positive change in him. To seeing him fix what was messed up, piece by piece. Of course my brain didn't let the situation go completely. When someone cheats on you, you start to break down the situation piece by piece, trying to understand; the how, the what, the why, the where. Even the, "What does this person have that I don't?" or "What didn't I do?" For me, it was the why. When he was telling different stories, I asked why. His response was, "Because I'm a man and some men do stupid stuff." That answer just didn't sit with me. On top of the fact that New Years night, he randomly says to me, "What do you think of us making an OF page?" He wanted us to post our intimate moments on the internet because, "It would be good money for the both of us." I'm not the one in financial ruin/struggle, so this felt more like him trying to desperately save himself. So the day after New Years night, after everything this man had said and done, my brain was still saying, "Why did he do it though?" I didn't voice this out loud but he noticed a shift in my behavior. He said, "I'll be here when you want to talk." January 2nd, the day I left his house, he brought up the OF thing again. Asking what did I think about it. Saying that he's tired of working harder, not smarter. At that point, I started feeling angry and used so I said, "Fix what you messed up first." So he calls me and from his tone, I already knew a argument was about to happen.

When I asked him again, Why did you do what you did?" He said, "I told you why. Because I'm a man and men do stupid stuff. I was blackout drunk." But then it turned into, "You're never, ever, ever, ever, ever gonna let me forget what I did. You're not gonna let it go. You're just gonna keep punishing me for it, so what's the point in trying to fix it? We should just stay friends. I'm tired of explaining myself to you." I responded with, "I got my answer. Thank you, goodbye" hung up and like clock work, he's texting. I told him to argue with himself, he says "Now you know why I have a hard time trusting women" with the 100 emoji. I respond with, "You're not a victim", he responds with, "You just can't stand to face your own demons." When I started telling him, "If you wanna leave, then leave" he'd say he doesn't want to leave. That he never said he doesn't want to be with me. Eventually he says he's turning his phone off because he's got enough going on so he's walking away from the conversation. I don't respond. He texts me the next morning saying, "Before you leave, can we have great intimacy one last time?" Intimacy involves feelings for me and I don't have sex with someone I don't have feelings for. He says "Okay, can we still be cool? At least speak to each other in public?" I said, "That's fine, I don't have any problems with you." He gives me the whole, "I wish you and your mother the best." I say, "Thanks. I'd appreciate it if you delete any videos or photos you have of me in your phone" only for him to say back, "Already did." I don't respond but once again, I'm broken but this time it was worse.

I cried and I cried a lot. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to eat. I could barely sleep. Then I started to get angry. Why was I getting the silent treatment? Why was I discarded like trash for questioning HIS infidelity? If I had a right to before, why did that change all of a sudden? Why was it so easy for him to remove me from his life after a year? After all those confessions and words on New Years night? Why was it so easy for him to move on? Once I processed all of those feelings and was in a better head space, I reached out with a simple message of honesty. I hated that we hurt each other, that imperfect moments ruined what could have been. I was honest about how his quick erasure of me bothered me but I didn't want us to argue anymore so I didn't mention it in that moment. That I couldn't have sex with him because we weren't friends with benefits. We were 2 people with love for each other and I wouldn't have been able to discard him afterwards. That his not the villain in my story, I wasn't forcing contact and I hope he lives well. 48 hours later, after he sees me in public with a friend of mine (and we didn't speak to each other) he sends me a text saying, "Hi. The only thing killing me is that we can't even be friends. Like damn." I knew what he was referring to. He made an agreement that if we see each other, we'll speak, even if I'm with my friend. Which I agreed to. Then he says, "I do miss you too though. I just don't show that." I said, "It's cool. You don't have to if you don't want to." He said, "I will."

At this point, I don't understand this OR him. My friends think he's using me for material benefits. They think he's going to get his karma, even though I think he already is because his life is in shambles at this point. My mother doesn't think he's a good person, that him cheating was a choice not a mistake and that I'm not punishing him, he's punishing himself. All I know is over the past 7 months, I've felt exhausted being in his orbit. My friend sat me down. She said, "Your job is done. You did what you were supposed to do for him. Emotionally, mentally, financially. He hurts you over and over. He's going to get his karma." I just wish I could shut my feelings off. Shut my thoughts off. Yet, I can't.

[Gebidozo]

OP, what advice are you looking for, exactly?

You were in a toxic relationship with a jealous, insecure man with a lot of mental issues, who turned out to be a cheater and a liar as well.

You kept him treat you badly instead of breaking up with him as soon as he started behaving like he did. Which means that you also have serious issues than need to be addressed. 

For example, why would you even get together with a man who describes himself as a male chauvinist?

The rest of the post was, frankly, a bit painful to read. All I could repeatedly think was, “Goodness, why didn’t she break up with him already?”

Please find a good therapist who’ll help you understand yourself better.

[basil67]

I got four lines in and then saw  "He has a Napoleon complex and is a self proclaimed male chauvinist. On the 4th of July he introduced me to his mother and his 2 adult daughters. So far, so good".   

Did he tell you this about himself early on?