GF has lost the plot. Where to from here?

[AussieGuyMate]

My gf has just randomly gone crazy on me, I know that sounds harsh but I can’t think of any other way to describe it.

We decided to catch a train into the city for a function we knew we would both be drinking at. About half way through the hour long ride I gave up my seat to a pregnant woman. Somehow that was wrong, I still can’t grasp the logic, my gf stood up next to me and gave the evilest of evil eyes. Then she grabs me by the private parts and asks did I get a stiffy (erection) for this woman. I mean what the actual f… I was in party mode so I tried to ignore it as just an overreaction and didn't make an issue of it. 

Now yeah, I should have learned my lesson but I guess I’m slow. Walking to the venue the woman in front of us dropped something from her bag, it was just like a plush toy, I picked it up and gave it to her and she gave me a very unexpected hug (I backed away). That was the end of any fun I could have had that night. Honestly it was a terrible night, every girl that walked passed us my gf would make comments about what I wanted to do with them. After about an hour I told her I was going and she can do what she wants and I left. She got home about two hours after me and I copped the argument of all arguments. In the 3 weeks since she’s kept throwing jabs, won’t let me touch her unless she wants it which has only been twice, and she’s pretty much got herself off using me as a tool and has got up straight after where would always normally cuddle. I did not ejaculate either time.

Apparently what I did confirms to her that I would do anything for a pretty girl and that means I’m more than likely cheating on her. That’s about all I can get from her. She even offered to me a “one time deal” that if I came clean and told her that she would forgive no matter how bad it was.

Now if I’m reading that right it says to me that’s she’s insecure and if that’s the case then I would place blame on myself for that for not making her feel wanted and secure in our relationship. But we’ve been together 5 years, I’ve never given her reason to think I ever might have cheated, she has never acted like this before. In fact I believe we were so good together that I have been actually looking for the right ring to propose with for the last few months. Now I feel like she’s set us back years or maybe worse. This is a huge red flag that came from nothing.

I’m also starting to wonder now whether it’s a cover-up. Whether she’s done something wrong and is projecting on to me. Honestly, if this was a six month relationship I would be gone already it's been that hard, but I have 5 years invested in this and I am genuinely in love with her.

I don’t know how to fix this. If she is insecure I will do whatever I can to assure her but I don’t know what I can do differently, I don’t even know how giving up a seat leads to me cheating. How does one’s brain work like that? She says she will talk when she can but she’s still too angry at me, I sort of get and respect that as a general rule but how much longer than 3 weeks to at least just talk? It’s crazy, I’m over it, but I’m also in love. Do I just wait until she want’s to talk? What do I do? Please. Any ideas? Anything to help. I have to do something just to remain sane, it sucks getting told how terrible you are constantly.

[basil67]

Yeah nah, you can't fix crazy.   I guess she's been on her best behaviour for a while and has suddenly dropped her mask.  

From here, it's about recognising that this is the new normal and deciding whether you really want a future with her.   Out of curiosity, have you told any of your mates what happened?  It would be interesting to find out what they really think about her and this may embolden them to be honest.

[Gebidozo]

If she shows no desire to stop the crazy behavior and refuses to get therapy or any other kind of help, then there is nothing you can do.

Sorry, but you might be right that she did something bad and is projecting her guilt onto you.

Even if not, this is emotional abuse and it’s completely understandable that you want to end this.

I think you should tell her exactly how you feel, that you love her but can’t take this crazy behavior anymore.

[AussieGuyMate]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Out of curiosity, have you told any of your mates what happened?  It would be interesting to find out what they really think about her and this may embolden them to be honest.

It would be interesting and I might just do that. Up until now I've not wanted to make her look like an idiot because I figured at some stage this will all get sorted.

[AussieGuyMate]

46 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I think you should tell her exactly how you feel, that you love her but can’t take this crazy behavior anymore.

Yeah, been done over and over. I think I'm done. I just dread going home at the moment. Not that I would but I can see why some men cheat, just to get some love and affection when you have this to go home to. I'm down at the moment but I know how good this can be, she always made me a better person, that's why it's hard to walk away.

[AussieGuyMate]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Yeah nah, you can't fix crazy.   I guess she's been on her best behaviour for a while and has suddenly dropped her mask.  

Surely not. After 5 years? That's one mighty mask she had on. I'd like to think I'm better at picking things up than that but maybe not.

[Sony12]

Yeah your girlfriend sounds like one of those jealous and possessive types. Break up with her as soon as you can. 

Edited yesterday at 12:01 PM by Sony12

[FredEire]

I think theres two distinct possibilities here. Potentially she is doing the dirty, as projection is sometimes a deflection tactic in these cases.

But more likely I think sice you said she hasn't acted like this before: I think she has been a little unsure about the relationship for a while and she senses things are getting more serious, that you might be planning a proposal etc, and she's gotten cold feet. Some people's mode of rejection is instead of communicating their feelings, to get nasty and push you away first.

It could be something else entirely but if I was betting on it I'd bet on the second one. Whatever it is, its not actually about the women or anything in particular you're doing if your account is accurate, so don't start accepting blame.

Edited yesterday at 03:43 PM by FredEire

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, gf objects and attacks you based on you giving up your seat to a pregnant woman.? Non-negotiable. Fire her. She is not a good person for you. 

Most women I know would be so impressed with your generosity and concern for others around you. 

You write, "I should have learned my lesson but I guess I’m slow." You're only slow to affirm your own good action and to stand up for your values! Dude, you don't let someone else attack you for doing something wonderful and generous in the world. 

Dump this woman. Why are you hesitating? 

BTW: what you want to do in situations like this is to tune into your own good feeling after doing such a positive act. The second woman hugged you. That meant she really appreciated you picking up the dropped item. Take that in. Feel good and proud of yourself for your kind actions. Nine out of ten partners will appreciate that. 

You picked a loser. Dump her immediately. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, AussieGuyMate said:

Then she grabs me by the private parts and asks did I get a stiffy (erection) for this woman.

Your girlfriend sexually assaulted you. 

There would be zero tolerance if a man did this to his female partner, let alone in a public place. Absolutely disgusting and abusive behaviour and a serious violation of your body.

I would get rid of her before the sun goes down today. 

 

 

[ShyViolet]

It's hard to believe that you've been with her 5 years, and she never showed any signs of this crazy behavior until recently.  But in any case, there's really nothing you can do except tell her that you will have zero tolerance for this emotionally abusive, crazy behavior going forward.  And that if she doesn't knock it off immediately, that will be the end of the relationship.  And follow through on that.  If she acts like this again, don't waste another day in this relationship.

[AussieGuyMate]

12 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Break up with her as soon as you can. 

 

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dump her immediately. 

 

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would get rid of her before the sun goes down today. 

I hear you all, I really do and that's the way I'm leaning. But while right now I'm just focusing on this crap, and that's all I've told you guys, there's also been so many wonderful times. I'm not sure I should just throw it away without fighting for it.

I really want to know where this has all come from and I would be willing to work through it with her, we may still break up but if it helps her be a better person than that's a positive outcome. And who knows, it will give us a chance to see if we can save this.

This weekend will be the decider. One way or another there will be a result.

[AussieGuyMate]

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Feel good and proud of yourself for your kind actions. Nine out of ten partners will appreciate that. 

Thank you.

[AussieGuyMate]

5 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It's hard to believe that you've been with her 5 years, and she never showed any signs of this crazy behavior until recently. 

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I've thought long and hard over this and yeah there probably was signs but not anything one would consider a red flag.

Just as an example, a couple of years ago we were at a party and I was outside with 4 other people, 2 guys and 2 girls, and as people do at parties people move around and there was a stage where I was alone with one of the girls, we were chatting about car racing. My gf came from nowhere and sat on my lap. I didn't think anything of it and she didn't say anything about it but now I suspect she was marking her territory. Or of course I may be reading way too much into that because of what's happened now.

[Lotsgoingon]

Her behavior is called a "deal breaker." She's wonderful. Great. She robs banks. Deal breaker. 

She might be wonderful. But if she is that insecure that she rejects you and attacks you for kind gestures, dude, that's a deal breaker. Equivalent to dating an abuser. You do know that abused people have some positive feelings for their abusers. And abusers have good qualities--they're not 100 percent evil all the time, every year, every day and every hour.

But if you want a vital and decent life (which is hard under the best of conditions) you gotta get away from abusers. And your gf's rejection of you can only feel like abuse. How are you going to tell your children--let's imagine that--to be kind to other people when this woman rejects all that? Your esteem is already low or else you wouldn't accept this behavior. You think having a partner be "kind" is something you have to earn. 

Get out of denial. And set some standards.

 

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, AussieGuyMate said:

I would be willing to work through it with her, we may still break up but if it helps her be a better person than that's a positive outcome.

It's not your job to help her be a better person.  You're not her therapist.

You can't work on someone else's problems.  It's her job to work on herself.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, AussieGuyMate said:

I'm not sure I should just throw it away without fighting for it.

I wouldn't view breaking up with someone who physcially assaulted me as "throwing it away", personally. I would view this as a legimate reason to get this abuser out of my life immediately. And yes, I have been there. For me, this would be an absolute deal-breaker. Grabbing you there is reprehensible and you don't seem to understand that, which is very concerning. 

And why is it on you to fight for it? That's an incredibly flawed concept to begin with, but she is the one who is behaviing abusively towards you. I am not sure what "fighting" should be done by the one who was attacked. 

Do you geneerally lack a sense of self and boundaries? That's what I am reading here, that you don't much value yourself as a person and have trouble asserting your boudaries. 

Edited 15 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[AussieGuyMate]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You can't work on someone else's problems.  It's her job to work on herself.

I legit don't get this sentiment. When you're in a committed relationship it sure is your job to help and support your partner when needed. 

If your partner was an alcoholic for example do you just walk away or support them to become sober? I'd hope the latter. And an alcoholic is a long term thing with this situation it's more all of a sudden. 

[AussieGuyMate]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you geneerally lack a sense of self and boundaries? That's what I am reading here, that you don't much value yourself as a person and have trouble asserting your boudaries.

Whilst technically correct, I don't think grabbing your bf's junk is a physical assault worthy of intervention. I didn't like it but I didn't feel threatened or anything. I mean I've grabbed her boobs before, not in the angry way she did, it was playful, but it was still done. I'm not going to throw someone under the bus for this once off in a 5 year long relationship. That doesn't mean the overall situation won't see us separate, it may well, but this particular part isn't even on my radar. I think you're overreacting a bit with this. 

[Gebidozo]

45 minutes ago, AussieGuyMate said:

I legit don't get this sentiment. When you're in a committed relationship it sure is your job to help and support your partner when needed. 

Only if the partner really accepts your support and is really willing to change.

When your partner abuses you without the slightest regret, how can you possibly help? You can’t. You can only walk away.

[Gebidozo]

42 minutes ago, AussieGuyMate said:

I mean I've grabbed her boobs before, not in the angry way she did, it was playful, but it was still done.

I’m quite surprised that you appear to ignore this crucial difference.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, AussieGuyMate said:

. I think you're overreacting a bit with this. 

I think you are under-reacting. 

1 hour ago, AussieGuyMate said:

I mean I've grabbed her boobs before, not in the angry way she did, it was playful, but it was still done

It is troubling that you don't understand the difference, or don't want to see the difference. This is why I said that you appear to lack self-worth and unforunateky it means you enable her behaviour. This is typical of people in abusive relationships but hopefully someday you will wake up and see this situation for what it is. 

Right now you're too deep in the fog and can't see the forest for the trees. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, AussieGuyMate said:

but this particular part isn't even on my radar.

Let me ask your this: 

If a woman had offered her seat to a man with a broken leg, for example, and her boyfriend freaked out and grabbed at her genitals on the train and demanded to know if she'd had a physical reaction down there to this man, would you tell that woman it's not a big deal? 

If not, why not? If so, why? 

 

[AussieGuyMate]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is typical of people in abusive relationships

Sorry mate, we'll just have to agree to disagree on this. And I'm not even talking about my situation, I'm just talking in general.

One single day over a 5 year period does not make for an abusive relationship. I already agreed to incident in isolation could be, but nothing is ever viewed in isolation.

IMHO an abusive relationship is more about patterns of behaviour. 

[AussieGuyMate]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

would you tell that woman it's not a big deal? 

The incident can be a big deal but that single incident alone does not make for an abusive relationship. As stated in a post above, that's more about patterns. Of course that's just me, not everyone has to agree.