Are my standards a problem?

[JimGje77]

I’m 21 years old and for the last year I’ve been living in Athens, the capital of Greece  unofficially 5+ million people. I moved here for studies.

I was diagnosed with Asperger’s when I was young, so my life experience is very different from the average person my age. I see the world differently, I have different needs and expectations, especially in dating.
I’d really like Europeans to comment on this because dating culture in the US seems way different.

Recently I went through a short relationship that lasted a month. She was very beautiful, a year younger than me, approached me first and then broke up with me because she “didn’t feel anything more.” We talked after through calls and voice messages, and I tried to understand why she suddenly pulled away. I’m sure there was background and reasons behind it nobody just wakes up one day and decides you’re not their type.
But I realized something important: if someone doesn’t want you, asking for explanations won’t change anything. Whatever her reasons were, they’re in the past now.

After that breakup, I talked with a close friend about what I want going forward.
From now on, I’m focusing on self-improvement.

Finishing my degree

Improving my appearance

Becoming better at repairing laptops and phones (what I want to do professionally)

Earning extra money playing guitar

Still gaming οn play station and doing my hobbies, but with balance, like 1–2 hours a day
Basically, I want a full glow-up over the next few years.

And because I’m working to become the best version of myself, I want a partner who matches me  someone I am attracted to physically and who fits my lifestyle.
Yes, I prefer someone younger than me (born 2005–2006). I’m from 2004 and I honestly feel uncomfortable dating someone older, even by a day.

I also want someone from the same social class. I could never be with a rich girl  I’d feel out of place and like our worlds don’t match. Middle class like me is ideal.
And I’m not interested in girls studying to be soldiers, police officers, ship captains, or influencers. Social media/influencer life is a huge red flag to me  different mindset, different lifestyle.

And yes, physical attraction matters. I want someone who attracts me as much as my ex did. That’s not optional. Without external beauty, even if she has the greatest personality ever, it becomes friendship, not romance.

I told all this to my friend and he basically roasted me  said I need a psychologist and that I’ll end up alone because my standards are backward.
I told him his brain is fried from watching too much porn, while I control my desire and know exactly what I want. This is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with  it’s normal to have high standards.

So I want to hear opinions:

Are my expectations wrong?

Are high standards a problem?

Or are low standards the reason our generation cheats, jumps from partner to partner, and cannot commit?

My friends tell me to “get experiences,” but I’m old-school  I’m looking for the one.
If my self-improvement works out, I believe I’ll be the one who wins long-term  because while others hit 35–40 still lost and searching, I’ll hopefully be 10+ years into a happy relationship with someone who suits me in every way.

What do you think?

[FredEire]

So a couple of things I notice:

You said "nobody wakes up one day and realises they aren't into you". They actually do, it could be that simple. There's no point overthinking it.

Also I know its kind of a feature of the spectrum to be a bit rigid in your expectations, but yes I think it is a bit more in terms of the reality of things. When you say you won't date anyone even a day older than you, theres no reason in reality someone who's slightly older wouldn't be a good fit for you, its just going by a perfect model of the perfect person that only exists in your head. People are all flawed, so if you are too rigid in your expectations nobody is ever going to meet you halfway.

But you're a young guy and your goals sound pretty good so keep going with them. I have ADD myself and a couple of family members more on the autistic side so I know where you're coming from. Just try to be as conscious as you can that if you have beliefs that are a bit rigid they may not be grounded in reality. It's fine to have preferences but a bit of flexibility is useful in life.

[JimGje77]

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

So a couple of things I notice:

You said "nobody wakes up one day and realises they aren't into you". They actually do, it could be that simple. There's no point overthinking it.

Also I know its kind of a feature of the spectrum to be a bit rigid in your expectations, but yes I think it is a bit more in terms of the reality of things. When you say you won't date anyone even a day older than you, theres no reason in reality someone who's slightly older wouldn't be a good fit for you, its just going by a perfect model of the perfect person that only exists in your head. People are all flawed, so if you are too rigid in your expectations nobody is ever going to meet you halfway.

But you're a young guy and your goals sound pretty good so keep going with them. I have ADD myself and a couple of family members more on the autistic side so I know where you're coming from. Just try to be as conscious as you can that if you have beliefs that are a bit rigid they may not be grounded in reality. It's fine to have preferences but a bit of flexibility is useful in life.

nope theres almost always a reason my friend, I dont care about her anymore but of course there is a reason someone breaks up especially if they were into you at the beginning, if theres no reason shes just an avoidant. I've heard a lot of theories and analyses about what may happened from my family and friends, it didnt come out of blue , thats for sure

Edited Wednesday at 06:51 PM by JimGje77

[JimGje77]

14 minutes ago, FredEire said:

So a couple of things I notice:

You said "nobody wakes up one day and realises they aren't into you". They actually do, it could be that simple. There's no point overthinking it.

Also I know its kind of a feature of the spectrum to be a bit rigid in your expectations, but yes I think it is a bit more in terms of the reality of things. When you say you won't date anyone even a day older than you, theres no reason in reality someone who's slightly older wouldn't be a good fit for you, its just going by a perfect model of the perfect person that only exists in your head. People are all flawed, so if you are too rigid in your expectations nobody is ever going to meet you halfway.

But you're a young guy and your goals sound pretty good so keep going with them. I have ADD myself and a couple of family members more on the autistic side so I know where you're coming from. Just try to be as conscious as you can that if you have beliefs that are a bit rigid they may not be grounded in reality. It's fine to have preferences but a bit of flexibility is useful in life.

I know that the age thing is a bit rigid but thats just how my brain works, I feel comfortable only with younger girls, I cant do anything about it

Edited Wednesday at 06:58 PM by JimGje77

[basil67]

2 hours ago, JimGje77 said:

nope theres almost always a reason my friend, I dont care about her anymore but of course there is a reason someone breaks up especially if they were into you at the beginning, if theres no reason shes just an avoidant. I've heard a lot of theories and analyses about what may happened from my family and friends, it didnt come out of blue , thats for sure

You're asking what we think, but you've just disagreed with the thoughts provided by @FredEire    Are you actually wanting constructive feedback, or was this more of a statement?

[JimGje77]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You're asking what we think, but you've just disagreed with the thoughts provided by @FredEire    Are you actually wanting constructive feedback, or was this more of a statement?

I mean it doesnt make sense to just break up with no actual reason especially when you are the first one who initiated the first approach, something happenned along the way that made her believe I'm not the right person for her or whatever. But anyways this isnt the important part of my topic, just common sense

Edited Wednesday at 09:38 PM by JimGje77

[basil67]

45 minutes ago, JimGje77 said:

I mean it doesnt make sense to just break up with no actual reason especially when you are the first one who initiated the first approach, something happenned along the way that made her believe I'm not the right person for her or whatever. But anyways this isnt the important part of my topic, just common sense

And you also disagreed about the rigidity of your age criteria

So again, are you asking for constructive feedback, or are you delivering your firm plan?   Because if your plan is firm and you're comfortable with it, there's no point asking what people think. 

[JimGje77]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

And you also disagreed about the rigidity of your age criteria

So again, are you asking for constructive feedback, or are you delivering your firm plan?   Because if your plan is firm and you're comfortable with it, there's no point asking what people think. 

no I'd like to get your feedback about my standards, whats your opinion?

Edited Wednesday at 10:46 PM by JimGje77

[basil67]

OK, I think your rules may make an acceptable guideline, but you will likely need more flexibility in real life

[JimGje77]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

OK, I think your rules may make an acceptable guideline, but you will likely need more flexibility in real life

flexibility in which sectors? 

[Gebidozo]

Well, I think it’s generally good that you have standards and aren’t just willing to be with anybody. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who you feel will be a good fit in terms of interests and lifestyle. And yes, physical attraction matters very much. So, in that sense, I disagree with your friend.

However, I think your friend is right that you may be too impatient trying to rigidly define “the one” at such a young age. Finding a great partner for life at 21 is extremely rare, because at that age people still grow, change their ideals and preferences a lot, and lack experience to truly know what they want.

You say that you don’t want to be 35-40 and “still searching”. Well, I’m 50 and the last time I was searching was only three years ago. I began to understand only recently what I really wanted. And I’ve learned a lot during these three years.  The more you mature and learn from your experiences, the higher are the chances that you’ll end up with a good partner in a harmonious, fulfilling, exciting relationship.

You also say that your generation cheats a lot and cannot commit. As someone from an older generation, I can’t agree. On the contrary, when I was young more people tolerated cheating, especially when men cheated and it was seen in some cultures and social circles as a necessary evil to accept and live with, because divorces were still stigmatized and men were seen as essential providers.

Today, I feel that cheating is increasingly perceived as something completely unacceptable. And yes, perhaps today’s young people are generally more careful to commit to someone for life. I think that’s a good thing, because people no longer see the need to stay with each other only because if they aren’t married and have a family by a certain age they feel like outcasts.

In short, I’d suggest you not to rush into these things and perhaps relax those requirements a bit as you’re learning more about women, romance, relationships, and, above all, yourself.

Edited Thursday at 12:00 AM by Gebidozo

[JimGje77]

45 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, I think it’s generally good that you have standards and aren’t just willing to be with anybody. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who you feel will be a good fit in terms of interests and lifestyle. And yes, physical attraction matters very much. So, in that sense, I disagree with your friend.

However, I think your friend is right that you may be too impatient trying to rigidly define “the one” at such a young age. Finding a great partner for life at 21 is extremely rare, because at that age people still grow, change their ideals and preferences a lot, and lack experience to truly know what they want.

You say that you don’t want to be 35-40 and “still searching”. Well, I’m 50 and the last time I was searching was only three years ago. I began to understand only recently what I really wanted. And I’ve learned a lot during these three years.  The more you mature and learn from your experiences, the higher are the chances that you’ll end up with a good partner in a harmonious, fulfilling, exciting relationship.

You also say that your generation cheats a lot and cannot commit. As someone from an older generation, I can’t agree. On the contrary, when I was young more people tolerated cheating, especially when men cheated and it was seen in some cultures and social circles as a necessary evil to accept and live with, because divorces were still stigmatized and men were seen as essential providers.

Today, I feel that cheating is increasingly perceived as something completely unacceptable. And yes, perhaps today’s young people are generally more careful to commit to someone for life. I think that’s a good thing, because people no longer see the need to stay with each other only because if they aren’t married and have a family by a certain age they feel like outcasts.

In short, I’d suggest you not to rush into these things and perhaps relax those requirements a bit as you’re learning more about women, romance, relationships, and, above all, yourself.

exciting and 40 doesnt go together, pick one. Exciting goes with relationships that happen at young ages, youre crazy carefree beautiful and full of energy. I dont like being too mature, being mature, trying to be extremely mature ends up making you miserable. Grandpa Jim met my grandma when she was 18 and he was 28, they married almost a decade later , but they were together for 59 years until grandpas Jim death at 87. My grandpa from my mothers side was 22 and my grandma 18 when my mother was born, and they were together for almost 40 years, he died before I was born unfortunately, my grandma was in her early 50s, now you see people at that age dating, for my grandma this is unacceptable, she stayed loyal even after his death and never looked to fill the void. This is the love I'm looking for, they've spent their whole lifes together, through easy and bad times, with faith love and fight. This is what I want, to meet my wife at such young age (not at high school like my grannys but in her early 20s) and stay together forever build a good life and follow each other. And I consider myself an easy case because I don't want children which is the major problem plentyof couples break up

Edited Thursday at 12:46 AM by JimGje77

[Gebidozo]

14 minutes ago, JimGje77 said:

exciting and 40 doesnt go together, pick one.

You’ve got a lot of learning and growing up to do. Take your time, don’t rush. Good luck!

[JimGje77]

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You’ve got a lot of learning and growing up to do. Take your time, don’t rush. Good luck!

thank you for the replies and giving me luck but please read and the rest 

Edited Thursday at 01:04 AM by JimGje77

[Gebidozo]

25 minutes ago, JimGje77 said:

thank you for the replies and giving me luck but please read and the rest 

I have read the rest, what makes you assume that I haven’t?

As per your request, I gave you my opinion. You chose to respond with a silly, dismissive blanket statement, proving that you’re not just young and inexperienced, but also way too opinionated for someone in your position, quick to judge and generalize, and not really interested in listening to what others have to say.

So… again: good luck!

[FredEire]

6 hours ago, JimGje77 said:

I know that the age thing is a bit rigid but thats just how my brain works, I feel comfortable only with younger girls, I cant do anything about it

It is how your brain works, but it's definitely not true that you can't learn to see things from other perspectives. It may not be automatic but it's definitely something you can explore

Its a matter of whether you actually want to or not. Since you came on here asking for peoples' opinions you're clearly curious about trying to approach things with a different mindset, but you are also fully entitled to stick only to what you see as the 100% way of doing things that you want.

Just be mindful that the more vehemently you stick to certain principles and don't move an inch, the more isolating it can be in the long term if people want to change things or see it a different way. And that's not just the age thing but everything really, in all sorts of relationships.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, JimGje77 said:

flexibility in which sectors? 

All of it.   A person may tick 90% of each box.  Or 100% of a few boxes and 70% of one of them.  But if you're aiming for perfection, you're going to have a lonely life.   

Nobody is perfect.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, JimGje77 said:

exciting and 40 doesnt go together, pick one.

Your inexperience is showing. 

Your standards aren't that unusual or unrealistic, but your social skills will need some work if this how you normally interact with people. Your attitude is going to put women off. 

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Your inexperience is showing. 

Your standards aren't that unusual or unrealistic, but your social skills will need some work if this how you normally interact with people. Your attitude is going to put women off. 

I remember when I thought 30+ was the walking dead as well   And maturity was just another name for boring old unc who's finished and whose life is over.

But yeah OP I think a lot of 21 year old guys think that way, but I wouldn't actually say that to someone in their 30s/40s/50s etc if you want their advice.

[JimGje77]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

All of it.   A person may tick 90% of each box.  Or 100% of a few boxes and 70% of one of them.  But if you're aiming for perfection, you're going to have a lonely life.   

Nobody is perfect.

this is complicated, for example if a woman I like is from middle class, then she ticks 2 checkboxes already, I think like those things are 100% or 0%

[JimGje77]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I have read the rest, what makes you assume that I haven’t?

As per your request, I gave you my opinion. You chose to respond with a silly, dismissive blanket statement, proving that you’re not just young and inexperienced, but also way too opinionated for someone in your position, quick to judge and generalize, and not really interested in listening to what others have to say.

So… again: good luck!

thats not true we are exchanging opinions here, your advice is honest, but I've just seen so many 40 year old people who gave up dating even in my family, this scenario scares me, I feel like when you grow old is much more difficult to meet new people, not only lovers but even freinds

Edited Thursday at 11:33 AM by JimGje77

[JimGje77]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

I remember when I thought 30+ was the walking dead as well   And maturity was just another name for boring old unc who's finished and whose life is over.

But yeah OP I think a lot of 21 year old guys think that way, but I wouldn't actually say that to someone in their 30s/40s/50s etc if you want their advice.

haha walking dead exactly I feel like 40 years olds who have no children just go to work come back eat watch some TV or laptop sleep repeat

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, JimGje77 said:

haha walking dead exactly I feel like 40 years olds who have no children just go to work come back eat watch some TV or laptop sleep repeat

Some do, definitely.

But there are plenty of 40 year olds out there still learning, still experiencing, still growing.

You're 21, so if you don't want that life your job now is to set yourself up so that's not your life at 40.

Checking out is a choice. What you do when you're young is important to set you up the right way for what you want in middle age and beyond.

Edited Thursday at 11:51 AM by FredEire

[JimGje77]

16 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Some do, definitely.

But there are plenty of 40 year olds out there still learning, still experiencing, still growing.

You're 21, so if you don't want that life your job now is to set yourself up so that's not your life at 40.

Checking out is a choice. What you do when you're young is important to set you up the right way for what you want in middle age and beyond.

yeah but to achieve this I have to stop caring so much about things that bring stress, to keep a balance, not work all day, you work to live

[FredEire]

16 minutes ago, JimGje77 said:

yeah but to achieve this I have to stop caring so much about things that bring stress, to keep a balance, not work all day, you work to live

Yep. That's the challenge.

You learn as life goes on, experience is the big advantage of age.