Is she over me? (lesbian relationship)

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, mella89 said:

I asked her yesterday and she said no, when i asked are you ending with me?

Yes, I know. You have repeated this several times in this thread. 

Just because she avoids telling you what is going on with her does not mean she isn't stringing you along. I am sure you realize this. So what if she says she is sick? It doesn't change the bottom line here, other than you looking for reasons to not walk away yourself. 

6 hours ago, mella89 said:

She did not call me today, its sad after 4 years to not even  end it in a normal way

It's sad, but it's what happens sometimes. I think it's time you decide for yourself that this isn't a viable prospect anymore. In 4 years, you have apparenly only met 4 times. That is not really a relationship, though I understamd you are very attached to her. It was never going to be enough to sustain a true and lasting connection, and if after 4 years you two couldn't manage to find a way to make things more concrete, it's time for you both to move on. 

[mella89]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I know. You have repeated this several times in this thread. 

Just because she avoids telling you what is going on with her does not mean she isn't stringing you along. I am sure you realize this. So what if she says she is sick? It doesn't change the bottom line here, other than you looking for reasons to not walk away yourself. 

It's sad, but it's what happens sometimes. I think it's time you decide for yourself that this isn't a viable prospect anymore. In 4 years, you have apparenly only met 4 times. That is not really a relationship, though I understamd you are very attached to her. It was never going to be enough to sustain a true and lasting connection, and if after 4 years you two couldn't manage to find a way to make things more concrete, it's time for you both to move on. 

I know you are right. I just know the person and its hard to believe it is the end when they do not say it openly.In our four years there have been no contact ,and saying things like "I do not want to plan anything anymore" etc etc.

This time the difference is we are not angry or at least i am not.

 

I know ,in my head i try to convince my self this is over

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/9/2026 at 8:06 AM, mella89 said:

.In our four years there have been no contact ,and saying things like "I do not want to plan anything anymore" etc etc.

This is another indicator that this wasn't a very healthy connection, though. 

Sure, people get angry sometimes and say things they don't mean. But when you add this pattern to the fact that you two were mostly a secret and didn't see each other much..well, it never amounted to the stuff relationships with a good survival rate are made of. 

You will need time to get used to the idea that this person is not your future, but I think you will be better off for it in the long run. 

 

[MarriageRealist]

On 1/6/2026 at 12:20 PM, mella89 said:

We had a very intense connection for years. Recently, we had a big argument where she was extremely angry and said very hurtful things. A few hours later, she called to apologize for the way she spoke.

After that, communication resumed, but it became very superficial — short messages, no emotional depth, no initiative to talk properly, no calls. Just check-ins about health or daily things.

When I tried to ask directly what we are and what she wants, she avoided answering. She would change the subject, say she’s tired, or say that right now she only cares about her health(she has health issues)

I respect that she’s dealing with health issues, and I don’t expect emotional availability if she’s not capable. What hurts is the lack of clarity — staying in contact, but refusing to say whether there is a future, a relationship, or nothing at all.

I asked for honesty, even if the answer was painful. Instead, I got avoidance.

My question is: Is this a sign that she emotionally checked out but keeps contact for comfort? Or could this be emotional shutdown due to stress and health issues?

I’m trying to understand whether this kind of behavior usually leads to reconnection later — or if it’s a sign that I should walk away to protect myself.

It sounds like you’re dealing with someone who hasn’t fully left, but also isn’t fully present anymore. That’s a very hard place to be.

 

One thing I’ve learned is that when a person starts keeping contact but removes emotional depth, it’s usually because they don’t want to lose the connection, but they also don’t have the emotional capacity (or desire) to invest in it the same way right now.

 

Pushing for clarity often makes people in that state withdraw even more, not because your question is wrong, but because they feel overwhelmed by it.

 

You might actually get more engagement by removing the pressure for a while. Keep conversations light, easy, and safe. Let her feel that talking to you doesn’t come with emotional demands.

 

At the same time, quietly observe: if she starts opening up again when things feel lighter, it may truly be stress and emotional shutdown. If she stays distant even when there’s no pressure, then you have your answer without having to chase it.

 

Either way, protect your own peace. You deserve clarity, but sometimes the clearest answers come from what people do, not what they say