Is she over me? (lesbian relationship)

[mella89]

We had a very intense connection for years. Recently, we had a big argument where she was extremely angry and said very hurtful things. A few hours later, she called to apologize for the way she spoke.

After that, communication resumed, but it became very superficial — short messages, no emotional depth, no initiative to talk properly, no calls. Just check-ins about health or daily things.

When I tried to ask directly what we are and what she wants, she avoided answering. She would change the subject, say she’s tired, or say that right now she only cares about her health(she has health issues)

I respect that she’s dealing with health issues, and I don’t expect emotional availability if she’s not capable. What hurts is the lack of clarity — staying in contact, but refusing to say whether there is a future, a relationship, or nothing at all.

I asked for honesty, even if the answer was painful. Instead, I got avoidance.

My question is: Is this a sign that she emotionally checked out but keeps contact for comfort? Or could this be emotional shutdown due to stress and health issues?

I’m trying to understand whether this kind of behavior usually leads to reconnection later — or if it’s a sign that I should walk away to protect myself.

Edited yesterday at 07:25 AM by a LoveShack.org Moderator
title

[Lotsgoingon]

You need to initiate a conversation to find out if she's done with the relationship or simply shut down. 

Look, I think we need to talk about our relationship. I know you felt really hurt. And I also felt hurt ... and so on ...

Sounds like she has withdrawn. Withdrawal is bad for a relationship but sometimes it doesn't always mean their feelings for you are over. You need to have a blunt conversation, blunt as in direct, not as in accusatory or loud. 

One thing that's missing here is YOUR hurt. She said very hurtful things. Why are you so eager to reconnect? Why do you feel it's your job to reconcile things? How safe (emotionally safe) do you feel around her? Sounds potentially one sided to me. Is this the larger dynamic in the relationship? 

You say she apologized for "the way she spoke." I can't tell if that's your language or hers. If it's hers, that's a fake apology. I apologize if the phrase I phrased my statements hurt your feelings. 

 

[ShyViolet]

If your gut is telling you that she's checked out or withdrawn from you, then she probably is.  If she is not being clear with you using her words, then you have to look at her actions.  You've tried to initiate conversations about where the relationship stands and whether she is interested in a future with you.  If she just avoids the conversation and isn't responsive to you, then you have to assume that the answer is no, she doesn't want that.  There is no sense in trying repeatedly with someone who isn't giving you anything back.  Just take the hint and stop trying.  

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, mella89 said:

I asked for honesty, even if the answer was painful. Instead, I got avoidance.

This is your answer, unforunately. When someone is sure they want you as a bigger part of their lives, they don't dodge these sorts of questions and leave doubts in your mind.

11 hours ago, mella89 said:

refusing to say whether there is a future, a relationship, or nothing at all.

You don't really say, but what is your relationship to her? Was she she your girlfriend? A friend? It's not clear how you two actually know each other, since you posted in this the LDR sub-forum. Is this someone you know in person? 

[mella89]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is your answer, unforunately. When someone is sure they want you as a bigger part of their lives, they don't dodge these sorts of questions and leave doubts in your mind.

You don't really say, but what is your relationship to her? Was she she your girlfriend? A friend? It's not clear how you two actually know each other, since you posted in this the LDR sub-forum. Is this someone you know in person? 

We live in different European countries/2 hours flight

 

I appreciate the feedback. To clarify,I was married to a man when we met!  I realize now that my slow separation caused a lot of tension and made her feel like I wasn't being truthful. My divorce is finally finishing up now(in 2 weeks(, so the biggest hurdle is almost gone. However, our communication has become very strained because of that,it took too long time. After a heated argument during whole november and december, we stopped talking end of december. We had a phone call where she said really bad stuff,like she would expose me ,it is over now etc.She called 6 hours later to apology. And asked again next day how i was?

In December 27th, she called me a liar for not reaching out anymore to her. We went on to have shallow messages every day but nothing deep ,it bothered me. So I asked her what are we now? then she immediately shut down when I tried to talk about it. Now, couple of days in, she only responds with short, polite answers and never initiates. I’m trying to figure out if she’s moved on or is this a way of her proving a point ? anything? I have decided not to write first  to see if she will reach out, but I keep looking at my phone and it hurts so much

Edited yesterday at 06:23 AM by mella89

[mella89]

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You need to initiate a conversation to find out if she's done with the relationship or simply shut down. 

Look, I think we need to talk about our relationship. I know you felt really hurt. And I also felt hurt ... and so on ...

Sounds like she has withdrawn. Withdrawal is bad for a relationship but sometimes it doesn't always mean their feelings for you are over. You need to have a blunt conversation, blunt as in direct, not as in accusatory or loud. 

One thing that's missing here is YOUR hurt. She said very hurtful things. Why are you so eager to reconnect? Why do you feel it's your job to reconcile things? How safe (emotionally safe) do you feel around her? Sounds potentially one sided to me. Is this the larger dynamic in the relationship? 

You say she apologized for "the way she spoke." I can't tell if that's your language or hers. If it's hers, that's a fake apology. I apologize if the phrase I phrased my statements hurt your feelings. 

 

Hi ,

I wrote more details, if you can read them?
 

I tried to check up on her 2 times.She says she only wants to focus on her health now and not argue.She replies but short and takes like 2 hours.When i say can i call you ? She will say i am busy now/at the doctors/at work, we will speak later and then we never speak..she did not initiate so i am waiting to see if she will 

Edited yesterday at 06:30 AM by mella89

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, mella89 said:

We live in different European countries/2 hours flight

So have you met in person? 

It sounds like you two were not in a relationship, if I am understanding this correctly. Is that right? 

[mella89]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So have you met in person? 

It sounds like you two were not in a relationship, if I am understanding this correctly. Is that right? 

Yes we have met in person.well we did say its a relationship but then she said ”you are still married this is not a relationship ”(when in fight)

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, mella89 said:

well we did say its a relationship

This still sounds ambiguous to me. How often did you spend time together in person, and did you consider yourselves a couple? Did others know you were together? 

I ask because it helps to give context to the current situation. 

[mella89]

32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This still sounds ambiguous to me. How often did you spend time together in person, and did you consider yourselves a couple? Did others know you were together? 

I ask because it helps to give context to the current situation. 

Since i am not out lesbian nobody knew.She is out and her family knew about me, brother and mother

 

 

But we met 4 times snd each time we were together for like 3,4 days, but between that we talked every day.

so not much ”live” meetings i know, but the connection was very deep.So it would not be a typical relationship either I guess

 

 

Edited yesterday at 03:01 PM by mella89

[ExpatInItaly]

The more you write, the more I can see that this relationship had an expiration date. 

You are not out, which I get, but that wasn't going work longer-term with someone who is. You also live too far apart for a real relationship to be sustainable. Seeing each other so infrequently wasn't going to be very fulfilling long-term. A relationship that is conducted mostly via devices is going to run out of steam at some point, and when you add in the other complicating factors, I think this is just arriving at its natural demise. Was there some kind of plan in place for after your divorce was finalized? 

It sounds to me like she's just lost interest in keeping this going  but doesn't quite have the courage to come out and tell you that yet. I also can't help but wonder if she's exploring another option but keeping you on the proverbial back-burner in case that doesn't work out. 

Either way. now would be a good time to take a few deep breaths and reflect on where this could have feasibly gone. Maybe she was a springboard out of a marriage that wasn't working anymore, but not the fresh new start you were meant to land in. 

[mella89]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The more you write, the more I can see that this relationship had an expiration date. 

You are not out, which I get, but that wasn't going work longer-term with someone who is. You also live too far apart for a real relationship to be sustainable. Seeing each other so infrequently wasn't going to be very fulfilling long-term. A relationship that is conducted mostly via devices is going to run out of steam at some point, and when you add in the other complicating factors, I think this is just arriving at its natural demise. Was there some kind of plan in place for after your divorce was finalized? 

It sounds to me like she's just lost interest in keeping this going  but doesn't quite have the courage to come out and tell you that yet. I also can't help but wonder if she's exploring another option but keeping you on the proverbial back-burner in case that doesn't work out. 

Either way. now would be a good time to take a few deep breaths and reflect on where this could have feasibly gone. Maybe she was a springboard out of a marriage that wasn't working anymore, but not the fresh new start you were meant to land in. 

She was ok with me not being out,we come from  countries where this is common( Balkans). But anyway, i spoke to her today and i said to her all this and she was strict ,she seems depressed and all. She has health issues(problems with hearth) and said to me she will now focus only on that. When i asked can we meet she said no, when i asked are we breaking up she did not say it but she did say i can not promise anything to you(me),what happens happens. She also did not want to add me back on instagram/she blocked me because my divorce was taking time. 

I will take this as an end and look at other options, i believe i got my closure.

Edited 20 hours ago by mella89

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, mella89 said:

I will take this as an end and look at other options, i believe i got my closure.

I am glad this was your ultimate decision. All the best moving forward.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, mella89 said:

She was ok with me not being out,we come from  countries where this is common( Balkans).

One of my favourite parts of Europe, I've just returned from my 8th trip there. 

And while I can understand she was okay with it to a point, I doubt she would have been okay with it long-term. If her family knew about you, I imagine she'd have wanted to integrate you into her life in a bigger way at some point. This wouldn't have been possilble if you are not out. I undersstand there may be cultural or social pressures to keep these things under wraps but it would not have been  a realistic prospect in the long run for someone who is already out. 

5 hours ago, mella89 said:

When i asked can we meet she said no, when i asked are we breaking up she did not say it but she did say i can not promise anything to you(me),what happens happens. She also did not want to add me back on instagram/she blocked me

Then you have your answer, yes. This ends here and it sounds like it is for the best. You two are on two different pages and it wasn't going to work out. 

[mella89]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

One of my favourite parts of Europe, I've just returned from my 8th trip there. 

And while I can understand she was okay with it to a point, I doubt she would have been okay with it long-term. If her family knew about you, I imagine she'd have wanted to integrate you into her life in a bigger way at some point. This wouldn't have been possilble if you are not out. I undersstand there may be cultural or social pressures to keep these things under wraps but it would not have been  a realistic prospect in the long run for someone who is already out. 

Then you have your answer, yes. This ends here and it sounds like it is for the best. You two are on two different pages and it wasn't going to work out. 

Well my plan was always eventually to be out if the relationship would go on and work out. That was my long term plan and we talked about it

 

But now, i believe she is burned out. She is having a heart issue, she is depressed, she feels she needs to fix her life overall. She was very weird. She said i am late(with the divorce) she waited too long and now she will only focus on her self and her health. When i asked are we breaking up then? she said  i dont know want to think about it,what happens happens..she also said she can not promise me anything, no plans no nothing. It is an end just that she did not call it that 

 

I thought for my self, well i do not need to have any plans either, like no need to cut her off, It is easier to gradually move on, like if she writes i reply but i am clear in my head it is over?

Edited 11 hours ago by mella89

[Acacia98]

24 minutes ago, mella89 said:

Well my plan was always eventually to be out if the relationship would go on and work out. That was my long term plan and we talked about it

 

But now, i believe she is burned out. She is having a heart issue, she is depressed, she feels she needs to fix her life overall. She was very weird. She said i am late(with the divorce) she waited too long and now she will only focus on her self and her health. When i asked are we breaking up then? she said  i dont know want to think about it,what happens happens..she also said she can not promise me anything, no plans no nothing. It is an end just that she did not call it that 

 

I thought for my self, well i do not need to have any plans either, like no need to cut her off, It is easier to gradually move on, like if she writes i reply but i am clear in my head it is over?

Sometimes people make choices that aren't particularly healthy (e.g. leaving things hanging instead of ending a relationship properly). But that doesn't mean you have to to along with them. If it's important to you to have an official end (and that seems to be the case), then do what you normally do when a relationship ends. If you normally go no contact, then go no contact. So if one day, she decides to reach out and that doesn't work for you emotionally, don't respond. Alternatively, if you normally block someone when you end a relationship with them, block her. Do what works for you.

Also, in future, consider not dating someone new until you have your house completely in order (i.e. you are divorced). Dating while still married can lead to complications, and that is avoidable. 

[mella89]

6 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Sometimes people make choices that aren't particularly healthy (e.g. leaving things hanging instead of ending a relationship properly). But that doesn't mean you have to to along with them. If it's important to you to have an official end (and that seems to be the case), then do what you normally do when a relationship ends. If you normally go no contact, then go no contact. So if one day, she decides to reach out and that doesn't work for you emotionally, don't respond. Alternatively, if you normally block someone when you end a relationship with them, block her. Do what works for you.

Also, in future, consider not dating someone new until you have your house completely in order (i.e. you are divorced). Dating while still married can lead to complications, and that is avoidable. 

I was not married, we were just married on paper. Logistics,we did not have a relationship.

 

i asked for that breakup closure,are we over is it over? she will say  "i do not want to discuss it,what happens happens. i am not planning anything i need to focus on my heart and my life"

 

[Acacia98]

4 minutes ago, mella89 said:

I was not married, we were just married on paper. Logistics,we did not have a relationship.

 

i asked for that breakup closure,are we over is it over? she will say  "i do not want to discuss it,what happens happens. i am not planning anything i need to focus on my heart and my life"

 

Sometimes that doesn't matter to people. They just see the marriage certificate and it means something to them. I wouldn't want to date someone who was still married even if it was only just on paper. There would always be that sense of doubt in my mind.

Yes, you asked for a straightforward conversation and she chose not to have one with you. That's why I'm saying you should just do what you normally do. Her choice to not talk about things and to just ignore you is not a healthy one (in my opinion), and if you leave the door open to future conversations, she may end up stringing you along and confusing you. So if you know you don't have strong boundaries, you should probably just block her.

 

[mella89]

9 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Sometimes that doesn't matter to people. They just see the marriage certificate and it means something to them. I wouldn't want to date someone who was still married even if it was only just on paper. There would always be that sense of doubt in my mind.

Yes, you asked for a straightforward conversation and she chose not to have one with you. That's why I'm saying you should just do what you normally do. Her choice to not talk about things and to just ignore you is not a healthy one (in my opinion), and if you leave the door open to future conversations, she may end up stringing you along and confusing you. So if you know you don't have strong boundaries, you should probably just block her.

 

I can block her deep down i know i will think "what if she wanted to say we should be together"

she is depressed,she has problems with heart visiting cardiologists and I understand that part

[ExpatInItaly]

I wonder if she has met someone else and is currently exploring that, but doesn't want to completely call it off with you in case it doesn't work out. 

 

[mella89]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I wonder if she has met someone else and is currently exploring that, but doesn't want to completely call it off with you in case it doesn't work out. 

 

I asked her yesterday and she said no, when i asked are you ending with me? She said she doesn’t want to plan anything what happens happens.She basically said nothing , i was like why are you not calling anymore? And she is ” you know i have been sick and i am worried about my heart and health i do not even care about my self anymore”

 

she also said she would call me today but she has not (yet).If she wanted to end i asked her openly