Goodguybadhabits Posted January 5 Posted January 5 My ex-girlfriend and I broke up because I have been dealing with some mental health issues, partly related to substance abuse. I kept it hidden because of shame. We loved each other unbelievably deeply, and we both always said that we had never experienced a kind of love or infatuation like this before. I ran away from my hometown, from her, my family, and my friends to give myself space to find myself, and I left her a letter explaining my problems. We stayed in contact by phone and text for the first two weeks, and she was very supportive and understanding. I came back home from time to time, and we spent time together, but she felt it was too hard because she became extremely sad every time I left. She knew that I needed to work on myself to become the person she originally fell in love with. We cried a lot together, and we loved each other in a way that is hard to describe, but being part of the situation completely broke her, which I feel deeply sorry for. Because of that, she said we had to break up and have no contact for a while so that I could find myself and she could process everything. Right now she is in a very bad place emotionally due to the shock of the situation, and she says she doesn’t know if she will ever be able to trust me again. I have also struggled mentally before without telling her until I completely broke down, even though she had asked me how I was. As written, we have no contact now, and it has been one week. We made an agreement not to do anything with other people — so we are not a couple, but we have “couple rules.” This was my idea, because she says she would really like to meet and talk when I have become stable and gotten my life under control, and I told her that for me it wouldn’t make sense to have that conversation if she had been with lots of other people in the meantime. She agreed to this, but she was skeptical, because she doesn’t want to promise that there is a chance for us to get back together, and she is afraid that this agreement might prevent me from focusing 100% on working on myself. We both live in Paris and have friend groups that know each other and also share mutual friends. What is your take on this story? Should I try to get her back? Should I let her go? When should I break no contact? How long does it usually take before her feelings fade? Xoxo
Gebidozo Posted January 5 Posted January 5 Personally, I believe that these things should be clear and unambiguous. Either you are together, or you are not. If you are, of course you don’t sleep with other people, but you also keep contact and try to be there for each other. If you are not, asking the other person to not see anyone else because you might get together some day is not only unfair, but also futile. The whole point of a breakup is to be free and open to other relationships. If you aren’t a couple, you can’t have couple rules. Regarding her feelings fading, I don’t think that such things can be predicted with any degree of certainty. She might get over you in a couple of months or she might still have feelings for you after ten years. One thing is certain: if you really think that she is the love of your life, immediately abandon these experiments, get back to her as soon as possible, stop running away from her, and do what you can to be the best version of yourself and the best boyfriend she deserves. If, however, you think that you can’t be in a relationship with her now because you need to be completely alone to work on your issues, then let her go unconditionally and don’t count on her coming back.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 5 Posted January 5 8 hours ago, Goodguybadhabits said: I have been dealing with some mental health issues, partly related to substance abuse Are you currently receiveing treatment for these issues? 8 hours ago, Goodguybadhabits said: so we are not a couple, but we have “couple rules.” This not fair or realistic and I don't think you should hold her to it. If you are not together, you cannot reasonably expect her to put herself on hold for you. 8 hours ago, Goodguybadhabits said: I told her that for me it wouldn’t make sense to have that conversation if she had been with lots of other people in the meantime. That was the risk you took when you up and left - especially without a proper conversation. It makes sense that you need to be on your own and get stable again, but epecting her to exlcude other options until you feel ready again is, well, selfish of you. You can't have it both ways here and I very strongly doubt she will stick to this agreement for very long. I don't mean that she will start dating or bed-hopping with eveyone around her, but I would brace yourself for her to tell you she can't promise you anymore that she won't be open to meeting someone else. You prirority right now needs to be on your recovery, in whatever manner that takes. If you can't be in a relationship at the same way, which would be understandable, then you need to let her go. Treat is as the break-up it is. If you get well and your paths meet again someday, you can reassess whether it's still a viable option for each of you then.
Sanch62 Posted January 5 Posted January 5 (edited) 18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: This not fair or realistic and I don't think you should hold her to it. I agree, and it's not realistic for you, either. No contact means that she can't notify you when she reflects and realizes she accepted the raw end of a deal that expects blind loyalty to an unknown outcome for an indefinite time. That means, if you're banking on such a pledge to keep you safe and cozy, there's still a part of you that knows it's not sustainable. Since she can't notify you when she's done with it, you can't count on coming out the other side of whatever you're doing to find her pristine and available to you. So what happens then? Your first challenge with sobriety will be learning that the self-serving deal you made was a fantasy? If you're going to 'find yourself' that can't be dependent on anyone else. You're either willing to go into treatment with a focus on getting yourself healed and allowing the chips to fall wherever they will regarding anyone else, OR, you're just playing an addict's game of gambling on outcomes that take someone else down in the process. It's a decision. Edited January 5 by Sanch62
ShyViolet Posted January 5 Posted January 5 If you're not together, then you have no right to put rules in place that she's not allowed to be with other people. Either you are together or you're not. There really is no middle ground. Trying to impose these rules is not only unrealistic but selfish on your part. Stop playing with her emotions and just let her go. You are clearly not in a place to commit to a relationship, and you need to work on yourself. So just come to terms with that and focus working on yourself. If you resolve some of your problems and get to a better place mentally, where you feel like maybe you are ready to reconcile with her, then that would be the time to reach out to her to see, not only if she's willing to entertain the idea of reconciling with you, but if she's actually single. But. until then you have no right to control that, since you basically left her and blew up the relationship.
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