To truly forgive, is it even possible?

[Geronimo26]

We’ve been together 14 years, married 7. I thought everything was going great, we rarely argued, we go on dates weekly, a weekend away once a month, our sex life was not what it used to be but it was still 7-8 times a week, just missing the adventurousness it used to have.

I occasionally have to travel for work, I tried to ring to get picked up from the airport but couldn’t get a hold of her. Walked in to find her getting railed!!!!!! That’s not an exaggeration, they were mid session, it was full on. To stand outside your own bedroom door and hear your wife scream to someone else to cum inside her is horrific. But the absolute worst part was after I went in, even after she looked up and saw me standing there I’d say it was still maybe 20 seconds before she stopped. I was like WTF, don’t you care before it even registered to her that I was really there. The guy was her PT.

I told him to f**k off and never come back again and I told her to clean herself up and come out and see me. I told he I don’t want any excuses, all I want to know is how long. The answer was that that was the first and only time. I didn’t believe that. To me it was too full on to be a brand new thing. She begged forgiveness.

She’s since done a lie detector test. I had to do an STD test as she didn’t use condoms, all clear there. She opened up her emails, social medias, phone etc to me. Nothing contradicts what she said.

We’ve been seeing a counselor for 4 months now and it’s got to stage where I feel I need to either commit to forgiving or move on. I want to forgive but I don’t know whether I have that strength inside me.

Most parts are relatively good but I just randomly have flashbacks. Like the other day we went for a walk and walked passed a random PT session and I instantly felt angry and sad. I’ve tried to call her a few times with no answer and of course, flashbacks of the last time she didn’t answer. Sex is ok, almost back to normal but as soon as she gets into that same position I caught them in I just lose it, instantly soft, no coming back. We can never again do it that way.

So is it too soon? Do I still need to give it more time? Is it long enough and the signs aren’t good? I don’t think it’s fair to either of us to wait indefinitely for me to make up my mind.

[Gebidozo]

To me, it wouldn’t be a question of forgive or not forgive, but rather whether it is worth to stay together with a partner who has deceived me and who apparently needs to have sex with other men in order to feel better.

I’d answer that question in the negative. Life is too short to spend with someone you can’t trust.

It’s not about forgiveness. Obviously there is no point in harboring a deep grudge or committing some act of revenge. You can sincerely wish her all the best, break up with her, and then find another partner who wouldn’t cheat on you.

[Sanch62]

7 hours ago, Geronimo26 said:

So is it too soon? Do I still need to give it more time? Is it long enough and the signs aren’t good? I don’t think it’s fair to either of us to wait indefinitely for me to make up my mind.

Nobody else can prescribe what you're willing to live with or estimate how well you're managing that decision.

We can only speak for ourselves, yet how valuable is that if you misuse the information to measure your own choices against it as some kind of guideline to what you 'should' want or do?

You're either remaining with your wife because you want to, or you believe that you 'should'. So why not start there, and ask yourself which is truly the case?

If you're there because you want to be, then that's your answer. If you want to free yourself from this but remain because you believe you 'should,' then that's a whole different answer to examine.

[Bryanp]

It sounds a bit too convenient to say it was the only time, don't you think? In addition, she did not use protection and had sex with him in your home and in your bed. She clearly has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself, then who will?

[Geronimo26]

19 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Life is too short to spend with someone you can’t trust.

 

12 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

You're either remaining with your wife because you want to, or you believe that you 'should'

I've always believed in second chances. So I basically start from the premise that you're forgiven, or at least will be. You'll never get another one though. Fool me once and all that.

She has not given me any reason not to trust her besides this one incident. I guess I'm just wrestling with my own morals about whether she actually deserves it and whether I want it.

Not that the world ever works this way but my perfect scenario is that she's forgive, I can put this behind us, we live happily ever after. I mean of course I want that.

I've given second chances before and in a vast majority the people have lived up to their end of the deal, but it's never been this difficult. 

[Geronimo26]

6 hours ago, Bryanp said:

It sounds a bit too convenient to say it was the only time, don't you think?

Well yeah of course. But there is no evidence to the contrary after lie detectors, open social media accounts etc. 

[Acacia98]

20 hours ago, Geronimo26 said:

I told he I don’t want any excuses, all I want to know is how long. The answer was that that was the first and only time. I didn’t believe that. To me it was too full on to be a brand new thing. She begged forgiveness.

(...)

We’ve been seeing a counselor for 4 months now and it’s got to stage where I feel I need to either commit to forgiving or move on. I want to forgive but I don’t know whether I have that strength inside me.

(...)

Do I still need to give it more time? Is it long enough and the signs aren’t good? I don’t think it’s fair to either of us to wait indefinitely for me to make up my mind.

I think many of us can understand (at least in theory) the lapse in judgment and the series of actions that might lead someone to cheat on their spouse. However, trying to make sense of why a man/woman who wanted to remain married would bring someone else not just into their home but into their marital bed is beyond most of us. All I can think is that this woman must despise you and her life with you. Is that even fixable?

To me it's a wonder that you're able to have sex with her at all, considering you're doing it in the very room and home she desecrated. How on earth does one move beyond that?

I think you're expecting too much of yourself. It's all well and good to believe in second chances, but you must realize that you are human and there's a series of steps you have to go through before you're even ready to consider staying with your wife. You've been wounded badly and haven't even had time to heal or to make sense of things, and here you are throwing yourself back into the fray. If you broke your leg playing soccer, would you resume playing before your leg healed?

Now, I've never been married, so perhaps I'm not the right person to give you advice. But here are my thoughts all the same: Perhaps the two of you should have separated and perhaps you both should have undergone individual counselling rather than marital counselling to give you time to put everything in perspective.

Edited 22 hours ago by Acacia98

[Gebidozo]

44 minutes ago, Geronimo26 said:

She has not given me any reason not to trust her besides this one incident.

This is like saying that you can feel safe with a know. killer because they aren’t a serial killer.

Her act of betrayal has already broken the trust. iIt was also a particularly disrespectful, brazen kind of betrayal.

If she got drunk in a bar, made out with a guy, and then came straight to you genuinely regretting it, then maybe it would be somehow possible to view it as an unfortunate mistake. But to bring a man into your marital bed for enjoyable sex is something that even some hardened cheaters won’t dare do. Don’t you think that act tells you something about her character?

Like I said, I don’t think it’s about forgiveness, but rather about whether it makes sense at all to stay with someone who obviously has zero respect for you or your relationship. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If she got drunk in a bar, made out with a guy, and then came straight to you genuinely regretting it, then maybe it would be somehow possible to view it as an unfortunate mistake. But to bring a man into your marital bed for enjoyable sex is something that even some hardened cheaters won’t dare do. Don’t you think that act tells you something about her character?

I was about to say that same thing. 

This was clearly a calculated act of deception, not a heat-of-the-moment bad decision. I personally would never be able to look at someone like this the same way, because they would have already showed me their utter lack of respect for me and uninvested in the marriage they are anymore anyway. 

[Sanch62]

11 hours ago, Geronimo26 said:

I've always believed in second chances. So I basically start from the premise that you're forgiven, or at least will be. You'll never get another one though. Fool me once and all that.

Maybe this is an experience to challenge your "I've always" model to teach yourself that you're never locked in to a trap of your own making.