Getting over an affair

[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I'm new to this sort of thing, i.e. posting on a forum but have no-one else to talk to about it so looking for some guidance/advice.

I'm 48, married, and with a teenage Son. We've been married for 18 years but the last 10 years or so have basically been sex-less. Everything else in the marriage is good, but I crave intimacy and am very highly driven in that department. I've always been faithful, however, 2 years ago I met a much younger woman, age 23 at the time, who showed interest when our social circles crossed. We became good friends in a short space of time - she has a partner who she lives with, no children. We hung out a few times, got to the point whereby we were constantly texting all day for a bout six months, a lot of it being risque and flirty stuff. After a couple of nights out for drinks, we kissed, but I was reluctant to take it further. This carried on for the full six months, and it was clear she wanted more. Ultimately, I think she got fed up of giving off signals but not getting anywhere and she suddenly ghosted me - literally after messaging and speaking every day, nothing. I was confused by this and hurt, but there was nothing I could do. I tried calling and reaching out, if nothing else but for an explanation. But nothing. 

I still saw her now and again as out paths crossed, but she was ice cold. It was only about a year later, back in May of 2025, when I was her again that she warmed up again to me. I could tell something had shifted and I asked her, in a sarcastic manner, if we were speaking again. Then, bang, it was back on. Back to full time messaging, calling, meeting up for walks, etc. All this was easy as she worked from home, not far from me, and I did too - so we could meet up and talk easily enough during the day. This time around, however, we did end up sleeping together. We would meet up during her lunchtime at my house, we'd go for coffee's, make out in the car etc. It was a full blown affair and it was electric. I was besotted, and it seemed she saw too. She apologised for 'being a b****', and said 'I didn't deserve to be treated that way'. We both knew our affair wouldn't last forever, but we agreed to enjoy it whilst it happened and it did for another few months. We had so much fun. Obvs I was looking at things through rose tinted glasses, she was younger and beautiful - way out of my league. At the same time I felt guilty for cheating, but selfishly continued as the sex and time spent with her was fantastic.

When the affair ended, in September, I knew it was coming. I'd been on holiday with my family and was messaging her when I could, she was getting frustrated that we couldn't speak as much as we wanted. When I came home, we had a week before she went on holiday with her boyfriend- it would be her 25th birthday whilst she was away, so I bought her some nice , fun, and thougtful gifts - which she loved. The first few days of her holiday were as expected, messaging me and the usual stuff. Then it went quiet, really quiet. Then I got the message 'something has happened and I can't see you anymore'. At first I thought he'd proposed, so I said fine, I understand... then no posts on her socials so I got thinking - messaged her to say 'is it something else?', and she said yes, she was pregnant. I was supportive, reassured her it wasn't mine, I'd be there as a friend etc... when she got home we were in the friend zone but still spent a lot of time talking, walking, texting etc... and then, early October, she did the same thing again as the first time round. Suddenly she ghosted me. Ignored my messages. We were still friends on socials, but she wasn't viewing my stories etc... so I knew she was doing the same thing to me as she did the first time round. Being pregnant, I understand, changed everything, but I couldn't fathom why, after having such fun times and obviously caring about each other, she couldn't be open and honest and say she couldn't see me anymore, but take care, hug it out and part on good terms. Instead, I feel bereft and confused -  no closure. The woman I cared for has treated me like s*** and I can't understand why. I feel I deserve an explanation, I'm pretty sure the pregnancy is the reason, but why can't she just tell me that? I wasn't pestering her after she ghosted me, but after a month I tried calling, no answer. She texted back and said she couldn't answer as no signal, which was BS. I got frustrated and said I deserve an explanation and to be treated better than this, after all we've been through and everything I've done for her. She then gaslighted me, saying 'pregnancy is tough', 'sorry I've not been on my phone' and 'you're not my no.1 priority', etc... which is BS coz she's always on her phone. I told her that she was hiding behind her pregnancy to absolve herself of any responsibility. This was true - but she didn't like thins so totally blocked me on all socials, calls etc and we haven't spoken since.

Whilst this is all for the best, we were fortunate not to get caught, and it wasn't going to last forever, I can't help but feel saddened and upset that our relationship/friendship/affair ended this way, and am struggling to deal with it. I would have happily remained a friend and supported her - but instead she has cast me aside without, seemingly, a second thought and that really hurts. I feel speaking to her and telling her how I feel, giving her a hug and parting on good terms would heal me and provide closure, but I can't see how this can happen. I'm not in love with her, but I do miss our friendship - it's more the way she has discarded me in the blink of an eye after being so close that is the hardest to understand.

How do I move on from this? I'm struggling to put it to bed as I want answers but appreciate I'm not going to get them.

[Gebidozo]

The first thing you should do is divorce your wife.

You’ll be happier with someone who actually has sex with you, and she’ll be happier with someone who doesn’t cheat on her.

Once this is done, you’ll hopefully get a clear perception of what’s happened and understand that there was no friendship with your affair partner, but rather a series of lies and deceptions, on both ends, which is really not something to miss.

An affair is bad enough when only one of the affair partners is in a relationship and when there is at least a plan to leave the relationship partners and get together. When both affair partners are cheating on their respective relationship partners and aren’t even planning to be together, it’s even much worse.

[Sanch62]

3 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I feel, giving her a hug and parting on good terms would heal me and provide closure, but I can't see how this can happen.

Your only barrier to using private visualization of this parting on good terms to heal yourself is your belief in your entitlement to her participation.

She doesn't owe you anything. Your closure is an inside job, so either work it to your benefit, or keep drilling yourself into an unnecessary hole to climb out of.

Edited 11 hours ago by Sanch62

[ExpatInItaly]

You have learned the hard way why affairs are best avoided at all costs. 

Your marriage is obviously no longer viable. You need to deal with that, first and foremost, so you can move forward and hopefully find a more fulfilling relationship someday. I was never going wotk being sexless long-tern. 

Also, you will need to find closure from your affair on your own. The young woman in question owes you nothing, and you two absolutely could not have remained friends. That was an unrealistic prospect. It is up to you to accept that and begin putting this behind you. As you know, this always had an expiration date and was never likely to end cleanly (affairs generally don't) You need to get her off your socials and cut off any avenues of communication. It's time to let go.