How to raise a delicate question without offending?

[SusanLS]

Hi

I’ve been with my bf since I was 15, we had a baby early at 16, he’s the only person I’ve ever been with.

I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot because while I should have been out partying like all my friends have been I was home looking after my baby.

I get so jealous when my friends tell me what they’re doing, like this NYE has just triggered these feelings again when my best friend sucked face with another girl and that girls bf at the same time and then went home with them. It’s not really that I want to do specifically that, it’s just these new and totally inappropriate experiences that I’ve missed make me jealous. Embarrassingly I masturbated over that. Meanwhile we're at a "responsible" party just sharing a few drinks at someone home.

I love my bf, he’s always stepped up, he’s a great dad, he works his arse off for us, we have sex often and it's good but its all I’ve ever known. I would never cheat on him. But there’s something missing. Maybe it’s something to compare what I have to?

I want to have this conversation with him. I don’t even really know what I want though. I don’t want it to feel like I’m asking to cheat because it’s not that, it’s just about experiencing some of the things I’ve missed out on, but I can’t even put it into words for myself so how can I explain it to him?

It’s not even about other people. Like my friends all had a pool party during the year and over the night inhibitions were lost and clothes came off. That excites me. Just being there and being a part of that sounds like so much fun.

I’ve missed out on a lot and I know I only have myself to blame but I feel so strongly that I need to experience these things to appreciate what I have with my bf.  That sounds bad, I already do appreciate what I have, I just think if I had of lived those experiences I would feel it even more.

So any ideas how to raise this in a way that doesn’t sound like I’m asking for permission to cheat? I know that's essentially what I'm asking but it's not about the act and more about the experience. Does that make sense? I cant find the right words.

[Gebidozo]

What you’re describing is extremely common. I’d say that there is a 99% probability that someone who has made a life commitment to one person at a very early age would experience something like that.

I’ve witnessed this phenomenon so many times and observed so many broken hearts (including my own) that I’ve eventually become a firm believer in the necessity of serial monogamy for the majority of human beings, at the very least those who have a high sex drive.

I can only tell you that your current feelings are very unlikely to go away. On the contrary, I’m convinced that they will only become stronger. If you don’t act upon them, it is very probably that you’ll be deeply unsatisfied and unhappy for a long time.

By acting upon your feelings, I do not mean cheating. Cheating never solves anything and only ruins whatever good remains in the relationship.

A “permission to cheat” is an oxymoron, since cheating, by definition, is something you do without permission, covertly. You could ask your boyfriend for an open relationship, which means that you’d stay together as a couple but both of you would be allowed to have sex with other people. I have to say, however, that such experiments have an extremely low rate of success. Naturally, your boyfriend’s full and free consent to it is required.

Another possibility would be to break up with your boyfriend.

In any case, I do believe that you must honestly share your feelings with him. Maybe the two of you can find some borderline solution.

 

[Sanch62]

You could gossip to him about what someone else did and find out what he thinks of it.

[SusanLS]

10 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

What you’re describing is extremely common.

I certainly don't want to break up, I would never hurt him like that and never take his bub from him, and the idea of an open relationship is really unappealing. He's older and experienced all these things before we even met. I get so jealous when he describes a threesome or some other situations he's been in that I couldn't imagine opening the door for him to do it again. Yes, I know that is so hypocritical of me. But I just want the same experiences he has had, that my friends are having, I don't want to be a swinger. 

I know I would be asking a lot from him but if somehow I could just have those experiences I think it would be so beneficial to me and to our relationship. I just hope when I do discuss it with him that he understands that I'm not wanting to break up with him and that it's more about the experience than having sex.

Let me give an example and please tell me if it makes sense. The NYE threesome my girlfriend has sounds so hot, she's so excited about seeing them again. I don't want that. But I would love to be at that party and have both the girl and her bf flirting with me and then a three way make out session at midnight, wow! I can just imagine the feelings, the excitement, even the anxiety of the situation. Would I want to go back to their place and take it further? I don't think so. Yes that would be another experience I've missed but I'm fully aware I can't have it all and have to draw the line somewhere. Does that make sense? But how do you tell your partner that you really want to suck face with another couple, in public, with everyone watching just to have that experience, and more importantly how do you do that without offending him, and most importantly how do you do that without making him think I want us to break up?

Right now I'm scared to talk to him about because of how he might take it, but I know I have to because as you said I don't think these feelings are going away, and that's not fair to either of us. 

[SusanLS]

6 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

You could gossip to him about what someone else did and find out what he thinks of it.

He knows what my gf did NYE.  He thinks it's hot just like I do.  Then he goes on to describe situations he's been in before we even met which only makes me want this so much more.  Of course he doesn't know how that's effecting me which is why it's so important I speak to him soon.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, SusanLS said:

But I would love to be at that party and have both the girl and her bf flirting with me and then a three way make out session at midnight, wow!

If you do that without your boyfriend’s permission, it’s cheating. How far you take it is irrelevant. Making out is a sexual act, and, if done without your partner’s knowledge, constitutes cheating.

So you need his permission. But you don’t want to give him permission to do the same. You don’t want an open relationship. You basically want a relationship where you’re catching up to him sexually while he sits still and waits.

You talk about one make out session as though that would scratch the itch and solve the problem for good. I think that the very opposite is much more likely. Your curiosity will only increase and you’ll surely want to experience more. I’ve seen so many such cases that I can tell you with certainty that lines cannot be drawn here.

You can straight up ask your boyfriend if he’d be okay with you being a hotwife. There are some relationship in which the woman sleeps with other men and the husband doesn’t sleep with other women, by mutual agreement. Obviously, your boyfriend needs to be really into that fetish and give you his full consent.

Personally, if I were your boyfriend, I wouldn’t agree to something like that. I’d simply let you go. Honestly, I don’t think your chances of success are very high here. You also have to understand that being a hotwife leaves a permanent mark on the relationship. Nothing will ever be the same if the two of you decide to go through with it.

[SusanLS]

14 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If you do that without your boyfriend’s permission, it’s cheating

Of course it is, I never meant without permission. 

 

15 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You talk about one make out session as though that would scratch the itch and solve the problem for good.

All I know for sure is that I have that itch and don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to cheat. I will not cheat. I just know I have these intense urges and it needs to be addressed somehow, preferably without ruining out relationship.

17 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

You basically want a relationship where you’re catching up to him sexually while he sits still and waits.

Yes I know. And I know it's wrong. But I can't help how I feel.

18 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

There are some relationship in which the woman sleeps with other men and the husband doesn’t sleep with other women, by mutual agreement.

I plan to discuss it this weekend.  Wish me luck.  Everything will be on the table, I just have to expose myself and ask for his support in helping me get through this. I don't know what will happen, I just hope he understands me and where I'm coming from, it's not that I don't love him at all. 

[Gebidozo]

28 minutes ago, SusanLS said:

Yes I know. And I know it's wrong. But I can't help how I feel.

I don’t think it’s wrong. Like I said, what you’re feeling is completely understandable and very common.

I’ve seen this happen many times, over and over again, to people I know and to myself as well. That’s why I believe that people should fully satisfy their sexual curiosity before committing to an exclusive monogamous relationship.

There are some people who don’t care about those things, but many do. I was once married to a young woman who swore that she didn’t mind the huge difference in sexual experiences and number of partners between us. After six years, she left, partly because the discrepancy was too glaring. I’d done this and that while she’d been a virgin doomed to be with only one guy forever. Totally understandable. We shouldn’t have married in the first place.

 

35 minutes ago, SusanLS said:

Wish me luck. 

I wish you luck, but I think you should brace yourself for a reaction you aren’t going to like.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your feelings are normal for someone who settled down way too young. 

I understand you had a baby and so you did what you had to do and grew up fast. However, it does limit one's growth in other ways and now you're seeing the resuls of that. So don't beat yourself up for having these feelings. I would wager many in your shoes have felt the same way at some point. 

How old are you now? And how old is your boyfriend? You say he is older and had already experienced a lot of these things when you two got together, so I don't think he's going to be shocked to hear that you feel like you have missed out. I don't think he's going to be very happy about it, mind you, but I don't think it's going to be a huge surprise to him either. He knew you were young and inexperienced, and he knows (I imagine) that you have not been with anyone else. Somewhere in the back of his mind he's probably wondered if this day would come. 

6 hours ago, SusanLS said:

but if somehow I could just have those experiences I think it would be so beneficial to me and to our relationship

How would it benefit your relationship? That's going to be a difficult idea to sell your boyfriend so you need to be prepared to explain that one. I think you aren't quite getting how damaging it could potentially be, too. 

18 hours ago, SusanLS said:

But there’s something missing

Honestly, it sounds like you're bored with your sex life. Most of what you describe in your desires here is centred around sexual acts, which I get when you have no other experience. 

18 hours ago, SusanLS said:

it's not about the act and more about the experience. Does that make sense?

Not really, to be frank. It's a distinction without a difference. The experiences you cite are sexual or intimate acts, so I don't quite see how those are not one and the same. What I see you doing is splitting hairs, probably to make yourself feel less guilty for wanting some sexual experience with other people. But that's what it boils down to, really. You don't mention wanting to do these things with your boyfriend (ie. having a threesome with him), so I think you need to be more honest with yourself, above all. 

I do agree that you need to do some soul-searching and talk to your boyfriend. As already mentioned, these feelings are not likely to go away and probably will intensify over time. You are going to need to weigh the risks with the rewards as well. I don't think it's likely, but let's imagine your boyfriend consents to you to having some fun outside the relationship. Take it from soemone who's been around the block -  that rarely ends well. It rarely means a one-time dalliance and then you go back to the normal relationship routine having satisfied the itch. Sure, you might feel great in the moment but I can tell you're not quite seeing around the corner in terms of the problems that can arise later from this. Proceed with a lot of caution here. 

Edited yesterday at 06:09 AM by ExpatInItaly

[SusanLS]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

ow old are you now? And how old is your boyfriend? You say he is older and had already experienced a lot of these things when you two got together, so I don't think he's going to be shocked to hear that you feel like you have missed out. I don't think he's going to be very happy about it, mind you, but I don't think it's going to be a huge surprise to him either. He knew you were young and inexperienced, and he knows (I imagine) that you have not been with anyone else. Somewhere in the back of his mind he's probably wondered if this day would come. 

I'd rather not discuss the age difference as people might label him as something he is not, let's just say it's not dramatically different.

I do have an inkling he will understand but this is not like raising that I want a new car, this is huge, I get it, I know I'm wrong, I wish I didn't feel this way, if there was a pill to swallow to stop these feelings I would take it.

40 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How would it benefit your relationship?

Right now I have that itch to use the words of others. It's not healthy to live like that. If you can't make the itch go away don't you have to scratch it? The only problem is what infection does the relationship get if that itch is scratched? I'm fully aware of what might happen but I can't live with this itch either. Maybe if he totally loses it when I tell him it might snap me back to reality... I don't know, I'm so confused.

44 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Most of what you describe in your desires here is centred around sexual acts

Well the pool party I explained was not sexual, I hope it didn't come across that way. It was just naked people at a party, not an orgy. 

Our sex life is good, it's fun, we experiment, but how do I know? The only thing I can compare to is from friends and they're out having threesomes and making out with people they've just met and flirting with people and being flirted with, kissing other girls, all the stuff I missed out on.

48 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You don't mention wanting to do these things with your boyfriend

I'm not against that but I think what someone else said is true which I never though about until I read it here, I just want to play catch up with him. I want to be his equal in sexual experiences. 

50 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Proceed with a lot of caution here. 

Thank you.  And yes I plan to. What I can't do is let it lay dormant. I need to address it.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, SusanLS said:

Well the pool party I explained was not sexual, I hope it didn't come across that way. It was just naked people at a party, not an orgy. 

I didn't think it was. But it still seems to have sexual undertones to it, no matter how you slice it. The idea of being naked in front of other people appears to excite you in some way hence my asserition that most of what you're dreaming of is sexually-motivated. 

7 hours ago, SusanLS said:

I just want to play catch up with him. I want to be his equal in sexual experiences. 

I get that to an extent, but I also don't think that is the primary reason you're having all these feelings. I think you simply would like to experience other people because you never have before. How long have you been with your boyfriend? 

7 hours ago, SusanLS said:

I have that itch to use the words of others. It's not healthy to live like that. If you can't make the itch go away don't you have to scratch it?

So you are worried you will eventually cheat, and hope that right now your boyfriend consents to some playtime for you so you can explore with his blessing rather than cheat. Is that it? That's what it sounds like you're not quite saying. I don't see how you'll sell this to him as good for your relationship otherwise. 

 

7 hours ago, SusanLS said:

I do have an inkling he will understand but this is not like raising that I want a new car, this is huge

Well, what I said is that he likely won't be surprised - not that he will understand/be okay with it. I think it's a lot more likely that he will be upset and shut it down. What is your plan if he doesn't want you going off and having any of these experiences? Will you be able to continue on in the relationship knowing you will never have those experiences? 

[Sanch62]

15 hours ago, SusanLS said:

He knows what my gf did NYE.  He thinks it's hot just like I do.  Then he goes on to describe situations he's been in before we even met which only makes me want this so much more.  Of course he doesn't know how that's effecting me which is why it's so important I speak to him soon.

Okay, this gives you the right material on which to base your discussion. Ask him more about his experience and talk about your curiosity. Make this less about 'missing out' and more about what this inspires in you. See where that lands.

[petee]

I think it's worth calling a break in your relationship for discovery. He obviously thinks he has a soulmate and is seemingly settled, where you have that need and urge to see if there is a better suiter out there. The thing is you don't know what you don't know, if that makes sense?

Your suggestion is for you alone to have that hall pass, but what if he says he wants the same; an open relationship. 

jealousy and resentment are often the by products of scratching this itch, so tread with caution and be prepared for confusion and caught feelings.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, petee said:

Your suggestion is for you alone to have that hall pass, but what if he says he wants the same

This could also absolutely happen, yes. 

OP, would you be okay with your boyfriend having some fun with other women? (on his own, I mean, not with you there and part of it)

 

[SusanLS]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What is your plan if he doesn't want you going off and having any of these experiences? Will you be able to continue on in the relationship knowing you will never have those experiences?

Of course I'll continue the relationship.  I love him.  Despite how it may come across I am a good girlfriend, I am a faithful girlfriend, I will not cheat on him. 

Now that may mean things get harder in the future but I'm prepared to put in the hard work, I'll just have to deal with the emotions and feelings as they arise. 

I'm confused by a lot of things but there's a few things I know for sure, I do not want to break up with him and I will never go behind his back. If he says no then it's no.

I've been taught that we should always be open and communicate and that you shouldn't judge someone for bringing up a fantasy or desire. It's considered good that they felt comfortable enough to talk to you about it. I just hope he sees it that way too.

[SusanLS]

5 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Make this less about 'missing out' and more about what this inspires in you. See where that lands

That's pretty much the plan.  I want what he has already had because it sounds so hot.  

[SusanLS]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, would you be okay with your boyfriend having some fun with other women? (on his own, I mean, not with you there and part of it)

Absolutely not. And yes I know how hypocritical that is.  I'm fully aware I will be asking a lot but in with it 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, SusanLS said:

Absolutely not. And yes I know how hypocritical that is.  I'm fully aware I will be asking a lot but in with it 

It’s not hypocritical if you don’t attach value judgments to it.

The problem is that, if you asked for an open relationship, there would be perhaps a 1% chance that he’d agree to it. Very low.

Asking him to be a cuckold having a hotwife will probably have a 0.1% chance of success. Even lower.

I know that you’re excited by the possibility, but brace yourself for negative consequences. Even if he accepts, there is no guarantee at all that he’ll really be at peace with it.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Even if he accepts, there is no guarantee at all that he’ll really be at peace with it.

This is a very real risk, yes. I have seen this happen before. In one case, the couple later broke up because the one who gave the "hall pass" could not really come to terms with it and left a permanent stain on the partnership after the fact. That person thought they would be okay with their partner having some so-called no-strings fun on the side, but it didn't pan out that way. 

8 hours ago, SusanLS said:

I want what he has already had because it sounds so hot.  

I think you might also be over-estimating how frequen or hot these enounters are. I am speaking as someone who has been around this block a few times and had some of those same experiences. Sometimes it was great, and others it was...meh. Forgetttable. You need to be prepared for the fact that it might not be the scintillaitng experience you think it is, and ask yourself if it will have been worth it. 

8 hours ago, SusanLS said:

I've been taught that we should always be open and communicate and that you shouldn't judge someone for bringing up a fantasy or desire. It's considered good that they felt comfortable enough to talk to you about it. I just hope he sees it that way too.

He might not judge you for it, but that does not mean it won't harm the relationship in other ways. I just want you to consider that possibility, too. It's important to talk, yes, of course. However, I would caution you to keep in mind that even knowing you want to explore other people  could shake the foundation of your relationship in any case and lead to him re-thinking some things. 

8 hours ago, SusanLS said:

Absolutely not. And yes I know how hypocritical that is

This tells me you are not ready for the reality of opening a relationship like this. Be careful what you wish for.