Lael Posted December 31, 2025 Posted December 31, 2025 I connected with an Italian guy on a dating app. We’re both 60. Unfortunately we live in different cities about 3 hours apart. We got off the app and have been chatting on the phone and texting for the last 2 months. We both determined we have developed a great friendship and feel that we may have more. So we decided he would come to my city so we could meet. He thought he would just stay with me. I told him no, I’m not going to just meet a guy and then have him stay in my home, safety first. He seemed a bit put off by that. I suggested he book a room somewhere. Just now he texted me and suggested he would sleep in his car about 2-3 blocks away from me. I texted back saying that seems like an odd idea, he’s not homeless. He didn’t respond to my suggestion to book a room. I’m wondering why a mature man of 60 hasn’t thought of booking a hotel room himself. He has shared that he’s retired from a well paying career, so I would think he could pay for a room for a night. The arrangements to meet are now causing a bit of tension. And he’s now thinking that the sleeping arrangements isn’t the issue, that there another reason why I said no. Thoughts, comments anyone?
Gebidozo Posted January 1 Posted January 1 I agree, it is odd, and it feels like some sort of an emotional manipulation, a guilt trip. “If you don’t let me stay at your place I’ll have to sleep in my car, I’ll be poor and uncomfortable and it’s going to be all your fault”. Also, he seems unable to accept that you’re simply being careful and invents some other reasons for your completely reasonable decision. 2
Acacia98 Posted January 1 Posted January 1 13 hours ago, Lael said: We both determined we have developed a great friendship and feel that we may have more. So we decided he would come to my city so we could meet (...) I’m wondering why a mature man of 60 hasn’t thought of booking a hotel room himself. He has shared that he’s retired from a well paying career, so I would think he could pay for a room for a night. The arrangements to meet are now causing a bit of tension. And he’s now thinking that the sleeping arrangements isn’t the issue, that there another reason why I said no Just goes to show that whatever impression you developed of this guy during your interaction was not 100% accurate. You believe you have a great friendship. But the guy gets offended when you take perfectly reasonable precautions, and he can't have an adult conversation about the subject. Realistically, you don't actually know much about this guy. He told you he had retired from a well-paying career. For all you know, he may be broke. Alternatively, maybe he was hoping that you would transition into sexual intimacy during his visit and he wanted to facilitate that by spending the night at your place. This is all just speculation. But I know for a fact that his actions/behavior are not the actions/behavior of an emotionally mature man who intends to respect your boundaries and treat you with respect. So if I were you, I'd be having second thoughts about having him come over for a visit. 2
Sanch62 Posted January 1 Posted January 1 He sounds manipulative. His assumption that a woman would want a perfect stranger to know where she lives, much less enter her home, is dangerous. This is why it's important to meet people quickly, in public, with your own transport, rather than form an emotional bond over messaging. That's a fantasy-building technique that allows strangers to create false intimacy without ever revealing who they are. I'd give this guy the heave-ho. Stick with local men whom you can meet for a cup of coffee to check one another out--early. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1 Posted January 1 17 hours ago, Lael said: I’m wondering why a mature man of 60 hasn’t thought of booking a hotel room himself Oh girl, but he has. The "I'll just sleep in my car" is a guilt trip meant to get you to invite him to tae pity on him stay in your house. And that tactic in and of itself is a big red flag. I would not meet him at all and I would cut all contact. 3
Author Lael Posted January 1 Author Posted January 1 15 hours ago, Gebidozo said: I agree, it is odd, and it feels like some sort of an emotional manipulation, a guilt trip…. Also, he seems unable to accept that you’re simply being careful and invents some other reasons for your completely reasonable decision. Yes, agreed. Emotional manipulation, thx 8 hours ago, Acacia98 said: Just goes to show that whatever impression you developed of this guy during your interaction was not 100% accurate. You believe you have a great friendship. But the guy gets offended when you take perfectly reasonable precautions, and he can't have an adult conversation about the subject… I know for a fact that his actions/behavior are not the actions/behavior of an emotionally mature man who intends to respect your boundaries and treat you with respect. So if I were you, I'd be having second thoughts about having him come over for a visit. You’re spot on, thx. An emotionally mature man would have an adult conversation about this and respect my boundaries. 7 hours ago, Sanch62 said: He sounds manipulative. His assumption that a woman would want a perfect stranger to know where she lives, much less enter her home, is dangerous…I'd give this guy the heave-ho. 4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Oh girl, but he has. The "I'll just sleep in my car" is a guilt trip meant to get you to invite him to tae pity on him stay in your house. And that tactic in and of itself is a big red flag. I would not meet him at all and I would cut all contact. Ya, I’ve ended contact with him. Thx for all your comments. I’m now realizing he doesn’t understand the vulnerabilities of a woman, or he does and uses them to his advantage. Sometimes I just need to hear (or read it) from someone else. The right people will respect my boundaries. The ones who get unset are the ones who were benefiting from me not having none. Him getting upset is more evidence that the boundaries are needed. If someone doesn’t respect and honour my boundaries, they don’t respect and honour me. Thx all 1
Sanch62 Posted January 1 Posted January 1 22 minutes ago, Lael said: Ya, I’ve ended contact with him. Thx for all your comments. I’m now realizing he doesn’t understand the vulnerabilities of a woman, or he does and uses them to his advantage. Sometimes I just need to hear (or read it) from someone else. The right people will respect my boundaries. The ones who get unset are the ones who were benefiting from me not having none. Him getting upset is more evidence that the boundaries are needed. If someone doesn’t respect and honour my boundaries, they don’t respect and honour me. Good work. Consider not forming 'relationships' online, but rather, keep your contact through the original portal--do not get lured to another platform. Then keep messaging light and minimal until you've established a quick meet to check one another out. Research online scam techniques and understand why such strangers try to form intimacy without meeting. Also, research OLD safety, and learn why it's not safe to give your home or work address to a stranger. Potential matches should be open to meeting quickly, directly, and in public; otherwise, they are a waste of your time and may even be dangerous. Head high. 1
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