Heartbeaking conversation

[Shawn]

I’ve recently had the most horrendous conversation with my fiancee. This might even be the end it was that bad.

We’ve been together 8 years and I guess neither of us have been great partners, drugs, alcohol, abuse and we have both cheated way too often and been forgiven way to often but it was just who we were. We made a pact 4 years ago to get our act together and stop it all, cold turkey, and we’ve been clean, sober and loyal for 4 years. Our relationship improved 1000 times over. We got engaged a year ago.

So it’s coming up to around the time to organize the bachelor/ette parties and she had this great idea of doing a combined one. We’re both there for each other and we can party without worrying what the other person might be up to. I wasn’t worried anyway, she has changed so much I trusted her completely.

And then came the kick in the guts. Because we’re having a combined party and we won’t get to have one last fling alone let’s find a male and female stripper who will have a foursome. It just broke my heart. We have worked so hard on ourselves to get where we are and that one sentence just destroyed me.

She could see I was angry so then said we could go back to having separate parties if I wanted but she didn't think I’d want her being with another man alone. I think I died inside when she said that. I mean how out of touch could she have been.

Of course I told her that she shouldn’t be with anyone else and there was no way that I was going to on my bachelor party, in fact we were just going to go skydiving and then bowling. The look on her face, it was like I was speaking gibberish.

I pleaded that we had worked so hard on ourselves and our relationship so why would we even want this. She was like, well it’s a bachelorette party, that’s what people do. Apart from the fact that no that’s not what people do, it would never be what WE would do anymore, maybe the old us, not the current us.

So she has backed down and said she was wrong and begged for my forgiveness but it’s still obvious to me that she has that cheating DNA in her. We worked so hard, I really want to keep going with her, keep supporting her journey, OUR journey but this has rocked me so much. I nearly blew my sobriety, I was parked in the carpark of a bar but luckily my sponsor was available and talked me down. I don’t think I could deal with her cheating again and now those thoughts are in my head. It just ruins a lot, every time she goes out now I’ll be thinking… maybe. It was so good to not have those thoughts.

We’re supposed to be getting married in May. Everything is booked, invitations are out. Is there any way to save this? Do I believe her when she backed down and give her a chance, or is she just covering up but would do it if given the chance? I feel like she would but I want to give her the chance anyway because we’ve come so far together. Or am I being delusional and setting myself up for a failed marriage? She is doing everything right to fix this but has Pandora's box been opened and even if we can close it will there still be enough left inside?

Thank you for listening.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Shawn said:

She is doing everything right to fix this

How so? What I mean is that clearly the desire to have sex with other men is still there. She might have backed away from her suggestion of a foursome or having sex with another man on her own, but it's the very fact that she even wants to that can't be fixed. 

1 hour ago, Shawn said:

it would never be what WE would do anymore, maybe the old us, not the current us.

You've just learned the hard way that you are mostly speaking for yourself here. She still wanted to and would have done this. It's great that you have both given up substances, but as you can see, it's mostly you who has truly changed. Not her. Not in this very important way, at least. 

You two have a fundemental difference in values, desires and boundaries here. It is very concerning that it didn't occur to her what a terrible idea this would be, that you would be upset, and that she tried to play it off like any of this is typical. It tells me that you two are completely out of  synch on a very critical level. I can't quite fathom how she didn't anticipate your reaction, but it says a lot about deeper problems between you two. You may not have realized it until now, but you two are not on the same page. 

Personally? I would not marry someone like this. She isn't really ready for it - not the marriage you would like, anyway. 

 

Edited 3 hours ago by ExpatInItaly

[Sanch62]

My heart goes out to you. This would floor me, too. It would force me to consider whether my own changes blinded me to the possibility that she didn't really stop cheating, she just got better at not getting caught.