Why do most of the women I date want sex, but not a relationship?

[Sanch62]

12 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

... your goal isn't to settle down with most people.

I think I've experienced a bit of the  female version of what you're describing. I've just had to accept that I'm in a minority and most people are not going to appreciate that style of dating/connecting, that perhaps I am a bit "weird" for my context. 

Yes, exactly. The goal of those of us who are monogamous is to skip mass marketing to please the 'most people' and screen all the way down to a niche of One.

So dallying around with anyone whom you can tell is not on your page makes no sense. It wastes your time and does zero for your ego to stick around until such a match reaches its inevitable ending.

Why play that out? When you sense that forming the depth of connection you're seeking isn't possible with an otherwise lovely person, do both her and yourself the favor of letting them go so you can both move forward to find your person. Head high.

[Shehaari]

17 hours ago, Repentant said:

Sorry about the late reply to this, missed it in the deluge:)) 

Thank you so much! I genuinely hope with all my heart that you'll manage to find that deep connection as well, we deserve to find the kind of love we desire!

Haha, no worries- it's definitely the time-zone difference:) 

We've got this! 

[FredEire]

Its interesting to me this is your experience. I tend to kind of be the opposite, most women I get to the point of intimacy with want a relationship, but I want something more casual in those cases, and when I feel a bit of a connection developing we usually never get to the point of being intimate. Different stuff, but still equally frustrating!

I have a friend who would seem to be more along your lines. He's handsome, witty and charismatic, and women would be all over him but it's clear they're after one thing. He's very showy and offers a kind of thrill that attracts women who just want a good time. That said he claims to want the same thing himself but I suspect deep down he craves more.

From what you've said on here it seems like you're a bit more reflective and outwardly looking for something deeper than he might be, but do you think you might be giving off a bit of a "good time" energy that means women might not take you seriously when it comes to a relationship, but that you might be someone who's fun to spend some time with? I don't know if it's that you are just being too emotionally intense too early, as I think that on its own tends to stop things in their tracks entirely whether it's on a more physically level or something more.

Just spitballing here but maybe some of that lands with you.

[Repentant]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

Its interesting to me this is your experience. I tend to kind of be the opposite, most women I get to the point of intimacy with want a relationship, but I want something more casual in those cases, and when I feel a bit of a connection developing we usually never get to the point of being intimate. Different stuff, but still equally frustrating!

I have a friend who would seem to be more along your lines. He's handsome, witty and charismatic, and women would be all over him but it's clear they're after one thing. He's very showy and offers a kind of thrill that attracts women who just want a good time. That said he claims to want the same thing himself but I suspect deep down he craves more.

From what you've said on here it seems like you're a bit more reflective and outwardly looking for something deeper than he might be, but do you think you might be giving off a bit of a "good time" energy that means women might not take you seriously when it comes to a relationship, but that you might be someone who's fun to spend some time with? I don't know if it's that you are just being too emotionally intense too early, as I think that on its own tends to stop things in their tracks entirely whether it's on a more physically level or something more.

Just spitballing here but maybe some of that lands with you.

I have noticed this as well, I've had some acquaintances who were definitely not looking for anything serious, yet other people were drawn to them like moths to a flame, with the desire to "tame." Guess some people just want what they can't have.

As for either giving off different vibes or overwhelming with emotions early on, the latter I don't think applies that much, as I treat the initial stages as "getting to know this person I fancy," no declarations, no exuberant expressing of care or affection, the most I do is tell them if I'm falling for them 2-3 weeks after I start falling for them. Related to the former, however, I have been thinking that I may be perceived as flirty and playful due to my normal way of interacting. I like to joke around a lot, poke other people for reactions, to tease playfully, basically conversations as a sort of sport. But I only do this if things stay surface level, because I usually get bored with small talk and start "shocking" us awake, so to speak. Otherwise, I prefer deeper, more meaningful conversations, even if they are around heavier stuff, but I've resigned myself to wait for them to happen instead of trying to make them happen - most people I meet don't seem very keen on talking about "life stuff." 

It's not that I actively mean for it to be perceived as flirty, either, I honestly don't even think I'd know what to do were I to start a conversation with the purpose of flirting with someone, but I guess it can be taken as such since it's all lighthearted fun.

Edited December 31, 2025 by Repentant

[Gaeta]

Looking back on my years of dating I am convinced it all depends on the initial connection. If 2 people click-connect, not much can turn them off. 

I was the first one to run away if a new date expressed too much enthusiasm but then I met my boyfriend (almost 4 years ago already) and on our first date he layed it on so thick! I should have ran away but I didn't. I decided to give it a few dates and turns out he was genuine in his interest, he did not try to escalade the relationship too fast, gave me lots of space, etc. 

One day you'll meet someone and it will click end it will unfold naturally.  She will think your flaws are cute and she'll love what makes you 'you'. 

[FredEire]

14 hours ago, Repentant said:

I have noticed this as well, I've had some acquaintances who were definitely not looking for anything serious, yet other people were drawn to them like moths to a flame, with the desire to "tame." Guess some people just want what they can't have.

As for either giving off different vibes or overwhelming with emotions early on, the latter I don't think applies that much, as I treat the initial stages as "getting to know this person I fancy," no declarations, no exuberant expressing of care or affection, the most I do is tell them if I'm falling for them 2-3 weeks after I start falling for them. Related to the former, however, I have been thinking that I may be perceived as flirty and playful due to my normal way of interacting. I like to joke around a lot, poke other people for reactions, to tease playfully, basically conversations as a sort of sport. But I only do this if things stay surface level, because I usually get bored with small talk and start "shocking" us awake, so to speak. Otherwise, I prefer deeper, more meaningful conversations, even if they are around heavier stuff, but I've resigned myself to wait for them to happen instead of trying to make them happen - most people I meet don't seem very keen on talking about "life stuff." 

It's not that I actively mean for it to be perceived as flirty, either, I honestly don't even think I'd know what to do were I to start a conversation with the purpose of flirting with someone, but I guess it can be taken as such since it's all lighthearted fun.

Yeah I think it may be partly to do with the vibe you give off. My friend is a born showman, entertains everyone around him and hes a kickboxer and is in great shape. Everything is a joke and a laugh basically until you know him a bit better.

On the other hand Id tend to come off a bit more reserved and serious. It's a real generalisation obviously but I think there might be a tendency that if you're a kind of joker and entertainer you might attract women who want sex first and then decide you maybe aren't showing the depth they want for a relationship, if you lead a bit more straight maybe they might be more attracted to your mind but there isn't always as much of the "fun" factor that builds sexual attraction.

Obviously you want to have a bit of both. Perhaps if you are always the funny man but have a bit of trouble connecting with more depth, that might be the issue.

[FredEire]

16 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yeah I think it may be partly to do with the vibe you give off. My friend is a born showman, entertains everyone around him and hes a kickboxer and is in great shape. Everything is a joke and a laugh basically until you know him a bit better.

On the other hand Id tend to come off a bit more reserved and serious. It's a real generalisation obviously but I think there might be a tendency that if you're a kind of joker and entertainer you might attract women who want sex first and then decide you maybe aren't showing the depth they want for a relationship, if you lead a bit more straight maybe they might be more attracted to your mind but there isn't always as much of the "fun" factor that builds sexual attraction.

Obviously you want to have a bit of both. Perhaps if you are always the funny man but have a bit of trouble connecting with more depth, that might be the issue.

I'd add that I think its a good basis as you are now to be leading as more fun, and flirty. Getting too deep, too quickly is overwhelming a lot of the time and can kill the attraction, the start is better when it's light and fun.

I think most people do seek that depth though, but more when it comes with time. I'd say a sense that you are going to entertain but not see or really connect with your partner (as it becomes more serious) is what might lead to your kind of situation.

I'm with you on the affection stuff. I don't think overly romantic gestures are merited with someone you've only known for a couple of weeks, it's better just to get to know eachother and have fun. A lot of women will like or even expect that though, which maybe just means you're not compatible with those women.