Why do most of the women I date want sex, but not a relationship?

[Shehaari]

 I personally appreciate a man who's honest and communicative about their intentions early on, so I can act accordingly. Perhaps it's because I'm no serial dater and look for intentionality in connections. Knowing what a man is looking for provides me with clarity - not guessing or having to decipher behaviour. 

Sharing your intentions early on, will either invite those who want to get to know you on a deeper level, or it will reveal who does not want the same as you.

My humble advice would be to get curious about what these women are looking for "in that perticular season of life", and see if it matches yours.
Do this BEFORE sharing too much of yourself emotionally and physically (as it seems we might be similar there). 
 

5 hours ago, Repentant said:

Edit: thank you! I do try to not hurt feelings more than it's absolutely necessary, so to speak, which is why I always try my best to communicate my side of things clearly and in a timely manner. I don't do "it's not you, it's me" unless I really mean it, y'know?

 I appreciate this way of thinking in a man. Intention is key and being a man with integrity and having good manners will take you far

 

10 minutes ago, Repentant said:

genuine emotional connection, attention, interest in my person, curiosity about what makes me me, are nicer to me.

I agree! This adds more depth to the relationship and sex would feel so much better when it feels genuine. 

[Sanch62]

9 hours ago, Repentant said:

Honestly, this entire deal is so friggin' complicated, that I have times when I wonder if it's even worth it... Somehow, it seems my dynamic is specific enough to be my main impediment...

I think you've been doing well, and you're getting frustrated by natural odds. Most people need to meet a lot of bad matches before finding good potential, and even then, dating is about exploring whether the match is mutual and sustainable. In most cases, not.

If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

Here's one possibility. Do you pull back enough to allow for reciprocation? If not, your pace may be too arduous for most women to keep up with. For instance, even after a fabulous date, I need time to reflect and process. If the guy phones next day and wants to schedule again, my first impulse is to want to ask if I can get back to him. I just need a breather.

Are you giving women a breather between dates? Do you ever allow them the time and space to reach out to you to propose a next date?

If not, try pulling back a bit. You may be exhausting women. You may be teaching them that partnering with you might feel a bit suffocating, and that could be what they are responding to. Consider the value of autonomy during relationships.

[Sony12]

4 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

I think you've been doing well, and you're getting frustrated by natural odds. Most people need to meet a lot of bad matches before finding good potential, and even then, dating is about exploring whether the match is mutual and sustainable. In most cases, not.

If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

Here's one possibility. Do you pull back enough to allow for reciprocation? If not, your pace may be too arduous for most women to keep up with. For instance, even after a fabulous date, I need time to reflect and process. If the guy phones next day and wants to schedule again, my first impulse is to want to ask if I can get back to him. I just need a breather.

Are you giving women a breather between dates? Do you ever allow them the time and space to reach out to you to propose a next date?

If not, try pulling back a bit. You may be exhausting women. You may be teaching them that partnering with you might feel a bit suffocating, and that could be what they are responding to. Consider the value of autonomy during relationships.

I have never really felt that pulling back and waiting to set up another date until another time was a very good plan. Doing so can easily send a signal to the lady that you yourself aren't that interested and she will quickly move on to another person communicating with her who is pursuing her harder. Unless she has a big crush on him she will often lose interest very quickly if the guy is being very casual about pursuing her. There is definitely a middle ground that needs to be reached about not over pursuing but not under pursuing.

[Sanch62]

Just now, Sony12 said:

There is definitely a middle ground that needs to be reached about not over pursuing but not under pursuing.

Yes, exactly. I can appreciate expressing enjoyment of a date and wanting to get together again; I'm not advocating for being uncommunicative.

I can even see scheduling a second date pretty closely to the first and being proactive about that. But afterward, I'm cautioning against glomming onto someone and not allowing for breathing room and reciprocation. Women don't need to be 'sold,' that's patronizing. It demonstrates insecurity, and nobody wants that. It might be helpful to say you really enjoyed a date and offer that if she'd like to see you again, you're open to her picking the next one. Think of it like reaching out to touch fingers instead of grabbing her arm and pulling all the time.

[Sony12]

17 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

 It might be helpful to say you really enjoyed a date and offer that if she'd like to see you again, you're open to her picking the next one. Think of it like reaching out to touch fingers instead of grabbing her arm and pulling all the time.

That can work but in my experience most of the women comfortable in taking over the scheduling and what not that early on in the process are the exact same types the OP is being weary of. The ones who will be inviting a guy back to her place after the date is over......and sometimes before the date even happens.

[Els]

2 hours ago, Repentant said:

Oh, sorry, I've expressed it ambiguously! I've dated over ten women, but most of those instances didn't last for more than a couple of weeks tops. Overall, I've had four instances which could be called relationships.

I mean, this is like a 30% rate? Which is perfectly normal IMO, and in fact I'd consider it quite high.

It's understandable that you are frustrated, of course. For the relationships that ended, do you know why they ended?

[smackie9]

It's simple...emotional connection just isn't there. Your focus throughout your post is all about the physical...the sex, the making out, having all your ducks in a row financially, fit and healthy, good looking enough to getting your foot in the door, being respectful, able to set boundaries, not a pushover, etc. The truth is women want to be intellectually stimulated. We think, feel, and make decisions with our emotions. Some men are able to tap into that, some don't. That's why you will see a guy that has nothing, isn't all that, but is able to get women to commit to them. Maybe find some self help books that will help you gain the knowledge to connect with women better. 

[Sony12]

53 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

It's simple...emotional connection just isn't there. Your focus throughout your post is all about the physical...the sex, the making out, having all your ducks in a row financially, fit and healthy, good looking enough to getting your foot in the door, being respectful, able to set boundaries, not a pushover, etc. The truth is women want to be intellectually stimulated. We think, feel, and make decisions with our emotions. Some men are able to tap into that, some don't. That's why you will see a guy that has nothing, isn't all that, but is able to get women to commit to them. Maybe find some self help books that will help you gain the knowledge to connect with women better. 

Don't be so quick to give credit to guys who don't really have much going for them who are still able to get women to commit to them. In reality many of those guys have just found a certain type of girl that they can manipulate. For instance there are a lot of guys who prey upon emotionally vulnerable women and completely take advantage of them. Not in regards to sex but they convince these women to fund them because they act like they are being emotionally there for them. All the while living off them. Many of those guys are even worse then the ones who are using women for sex. At least the ones who are using them for sex aren't trying to bleed their bank accounts.

Edited 21 hours ago by Sony12

[Repentant]

9 hours ago, Shehaari said:

 I personally appreciate a man who's honest and communicative about their intentions early on, so I can act accordingly. Perhaps it's because I'm no serial dater and look for intentionality in connections. Knowing what a man is looking for provides me with clarity - not guessing or having to decipher behaviour. 

Sharing your intentions early on, will either invite those who want to get to know you on a deeper level, or it will reveal who does not want the same as you.

My humble advice would be to get curious about what these women are looking for "in that perticular season of life", and see if it matches yours.
Do this BEFORE sharing too much of yourself emotionally and physically (as it seems we might be similar there). 
 

 I appreciate this way of thinking in a man. Intention is key and being a man with integrity and having good manners will take you far

 

I agree! This adds more depth to the relationship and sex would feel so much better when it feels genuine. 

I apologise for the delay and thank you! You've lifted my spirits!

You've touched upon several issues with which I've had to deal early on in this journey of romance, as I didn't have the healthiest examples growing up, and so had to gradually correct course over time. I did have a tendency to seek out emotionally unavailable women, or even women with whom those familiar sickly patterns could be reproduced. I've worked on this for several years in therapy and have managed to recalibrate my system of value in terms of relationships, as well as worked on rebuilding myself for myself. I'm sure I've still a lot left to handle, as healing and growing are lifelong processes, but I am in a much, much better place than I used to be. 

And, yes, those sickly patterns included me giving myself away fully and from the start to people who really didn't do much to deserve/earn it, but that has stopped happening a while ago. Now I take things step by step, I try to do as you've mentioned - figuring out intentions from early on, getting a feel for the temperature, which is why the attempts which clearly wouldn't go where I'd want them now last significantly less than before, and with less emotional investment from the start. I still like to give it an honest shot and to get to know the women at least enough to determine with 90% certainty that we're not looking for the same thing, but once that's clear, I don't hang on to "maybe, just maybe." It's unfair to everyone involved, I think.

Thank you so much, I really do try to be sincere and open about these things, as that's ultimately what builds the type of connection I'm seeking, but most importantly because I find it's the least I could do in terms of basic decency and respect. Plus I know very well what it's like to be on the receiving end of ambiguity, of the emotional push-pull, to be blindsided by a full 180 which came without warning or understanding of what caused it, and I genuinely don't want to generate that type of confusion and chaos in anyone. 

And you've hit the nail square on the head! That's exactly it, sex, to me, is an expression of passion, maybe even the purest form there is. And, as I see things, true passion can never be manifested without a deep connection, without knowing my partner's ins and outs, both physically as well as intellectually, emotionally, basically as much of everything there is to know about them as possible. It's also why casual sex doesn't do much for me. Physical gratification alone isn't all that interesting to me, I'm primarily looking for intimacy, for emotional fulfilment, I want sex with meaning, with a full person, with an emotionally and intellectually real and present entity. Sex isn't just with the body, it's with the mind, with feelings, it's with love and affection, it IS love and affection. 

And being a giver, it's one thing to satisfy a beautiful body and an entirely different thing to satisfy the beautiful person I hold dearly in my heart and mind.

[Repentant]

10 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I think you've been doing well, and you're getting frustrated by natural odds. Most people need to meet a lot of bad matches before finding good potential, and even then, dating is about exploring whether the match is mutual and sustainable. In most cases, not.

If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

Here's one possibility. Do you pull back enough to allow for reciprocation? If not, your pace may be too arduous for most women to keep up with. For instance, even after a fabulous date, I need time to reflect and process. If the guy phones next day and wants to schedule again, my first impulse is to want to ask if I can get back to him. I just need a breather.

Are you giving women a breather between dates? Do you ever allow them the time and space to reach out to you to propose a next date?

If not, try pulling back a bit. You may be exhausting women. You may be teaching them that partnering with you might feel a bit suffocating, and that could be what they are responding to. Consider the value of autonomy during relationships.

Thank you so much for the reassurance, it softens the frustration a bit. It's still a very heavy aspect from an emotional standpoint, but it's easier to deal with it knowing it's basically just a math problem. Very good point about the rarity of love, I really should do more to remind myself of that.

As to your point about giving my dates space, yes! I Or at least I try my best to do so, especially if I'm particularly excited about them. I tend to hyperfixate on things which intrigue me so I monitor that aspect and keep it in check when it comes down to people, as I don't like being bombarded with and suffocated by attention, either. 

I do try to communicate openly all the time, things like telling them if I've enjoyed myself, showing appreciation and gratitude, making light of awkwardness, reminiscing, etc., and I generally try to get a feel for my date's rhythm and adapt to it. If it's reciprocal and I know I can count on them to initiate at least as much as I would want to, then it's "one for you, one for me" in terms of asking for another date. However, I've had instances where I've been asked out before I even managed to formulate the sentence, and instances where my dates have been on the shy side, in which case I took more initiative if I saw they were genuinely interested. 

Basically, I focus on paying attention to my dates, to their rhythm, their personality, their person in general, and always try to adapt to their needs (as much as I can without bending myself backwards, to note). At the same time, I do my best to give them the chance to know me as well, to figure out who I am and how that fits into their existence, if that makes sense.

And I want to highlight one aspect in particular, what you've said about autonomy. If there's anything I find holy in this world, that's personal autonomy. And this goes very deep for me, it functions both out of altruism and selfishness. To expand, autonomy is the most important thing for me as far as my existence is concerned, and precisely because I understand its value at such a deeply personal level, I always try to hold space for the other person's autonomy and even reinforce it as much as I possibly can. A person who is thoroughly Themself has my respect through the sheer intentionality behind it, and a woman who is Herself through-and-through is probably my biggest turn-on, to be very honest.

In short, yes, I really want to respect my dates' autonomy as much as I possibly can (maybe even more than I could), even (and especially) if it goes against what I'd want from them.

[Repentant]

9 hours ago, Els said:

I mean, this is like a 30% rate? Which is perfectly normal IMO, and in fact I'd consider it quite high.

It's understandable that you are frustrated, of course. For the relationships that ended, do you know why they ended?

Thanks so much for the reassurance!

To answer your question, I always try to learn whatever there is to be learnt from every experience, as I'd at least want to make new mistakes if they're wholly unavoidable. I've tried to get it from my partners' mouths if they were willing to discuss it openly, discussed things honestly and openly in therapy, did a lot of reading around relationship dynamics, basically everything I had at my disposal to try to learn said lessons.

My first ended because we were both very young, very traumatised, and had the communication skills of turnips, for instance, and I've been working hard ever since on developing healthy and thorough communication skills, as well as dealing with whatever past shenanigans I could find in my composition (that one catapulted me straight into depression, as we were even engaged by the end). The age bit came naturally, thankfully (I guess).

[Repentant]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

It's simple...emotional connection just isn't there. Your focus throughout your post is all about the physical...the sex, the making out, having all your ducks in a row financially, fit and healthy, good looking enough to getting your foot in the door, being respectful, able to set boundaries, not a pushover, etc. The truth is women want to be intellectually stimulated. We think, feel, and make decisions with our emotions. Some men are able to tap into that, some don't. That's why you will see a guy that has nothing, isn't all that, but is able to get women to commit to them. Maybe find some self help books that will help you gain the knowledge to connect with women better. 

Thank you very much for the insight!

I really did think on this for a bit, and if by this you mean really being there, present in the moment with them, being open about both myself and my interest in getting to know them, in trying to understand them and their emotional reality, in being vulnerable and trying to offer them a safe space within which to be vulnerable as well, paying attention to their needs, to the things which make their eyes light up with joy, to that one movie, or song, or whatever it may be which always hits them in the feels, offering a warm shoulder, a tight hug, and opening up my empathy when something brought them down (not to fix, but to genuinely listen and feel their feels, so to speak), being playful and curious, even teasing and tantalising, then yes! Or at the very least I hope I've managed to do that for them!

Ultimately, that's what I want out of a relationship, I don't want it for the relationship's sake, I want to have a full and complete person in my life, with their entire internal world, their panoply of emotions, their complexity of though, their unique perspective and takes on things, their ups and downs, their strengths and shortcomings, and I see no other way of achieving that. I mean... what would be the point otherwise? I genuinely want a partner, someone with whom to share my life, someone to whom I could offer anything they wanted out of it, someone who'd have me share in their life as well, someone with whom to share in the joy of the good times and alongside whom to push through the crummy ones.

If it was just to stave off the loneliness, it'd be easier to get a dog:))

[Shehaari]

11 hours ago, Repentant said:

I apologise for the delay and thank you! You've lifted my spirits!

You've touched upon several issues with which I've had to deal early on in this journey of romance, as I didn't have the healthiest examples growing up, and so had to gradually correct course over time. I did have a tendency to seek out emotionally unavailable women, or even women with whom those familiar sickly patterns could be reproduced. I've worked on this for several years in therapy and have managed to recalibrate my system of value in terms of relationships, as well as worked on rebuilding myself for myself. I'm sure I've still a lot left to handle, as healing and growing are lifelong processes, but I am in a much, much better place than I used to be. 

And, yes, those sickly patterns included me giving myself away fully and from the start to people who really didn't do much to deserve/earn it, but that has stopped happening a while ago. Now I take things step by step, I try to do as you've mentioned - figuring out intentions from early on, getting a feel for the temperature, which is why the attempts which clearly wouldn't go where I'd want them now last significantly less than before, and with less emotional investment from the start. I still like to give it an honest shot and to get to know the women at least enough to determine with 90% certainty that we're not looking for the same thing, but once that's clear, I don't hang on to "maybe, just maybe." It's unfair to everyone involved, I think.

Thank you so much, I really do try to be sincere and open about these things, as that's ultimately what builds the type of connection I'm seeking, but most importantly because I find it's the least I could do in terms of basic decency and respect. Plus I know very well what it's like to be on the receiving end of ambiguity, of the emotional push-pull, to be blindsided by a full 180 which came without warning or understanding of what caused it, and I genuinely don't want to generate that type of confusion and chaos in anyone. 

And you've hit the nail square on the head! That's exactly it, sex, to me, is an expression of passion, maybe even the purest form there is. And, as I see things, true passion can never be manifested without a deep connection, without knowing my partner's ins and outs, both physically as well as intellectually, emotionally, basically as much of everything there is to know about them as possible. It's also why casual sex doesn't do much for me. Physical gratification alone isn't all that interesting to me, I'm primarily looking for intimacy, for emotional fulfilment, I want sex with meaning, with a full person, with an emotionally and intellectually real and present entity. Sex isn't just with the body, it's with the mind, with feelings, it's with love and affection, it IS love and affection. 

And being a giver, it's one thing to satisfy a beautiful body and an entirely different thing to satisfy the beautiful person I hold dearly in my heart and mind.

I'm glad it did

Thank you for sharing this. I can absolutely relate to not having the healthiest rolemodels of healthy romance growing up. The fact that you're reflective and aware- both of yourself and relationship dynamics, is very refreshing and will definitly be beneficial for you, regardless of who you meet. You seem to be doing the right things. It sounds like you've just not met the type of women who'd want to get to know you on a deeper level, beyond just physical intimacy. 

Where do you meet the women you've dated? 

Genuine connections and commitment seems much rarer in todays dating, perhaps for valid reasons to many i'm sure, but that's a different conversation for another time.. 

I might not be of much help figuring out the why's and the how's, but as someone with a similar view on dating, I would hope more men were as introspective and clear as you are. Not that there aren't men like this, but I've yet to meet a man who'll lean in to the connection, rather than pull away for a reason that just doesn't make sense. 

I couldn't have said that last paragraph any better than what you just did! 
I would add it also helps building vulnerability and safety which helps sustain a true, genuine connection.

What type of women have you been curious on? Any spesific trates now than before?

Edited 3 hours ago by Shehaari

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, Shehaari said:

I would hope more men were as introspective and clear as you are.

I second this, and it doesn't sound as though you're doing anything wrong. You just haven't found your match yet, and that's just natural odds at work.

Rejections aren't really about you. They speak of the limitations of the lens through which another is capable of viewing you. The right person will view you through the right lens, but that will be rare. It's supposed to be rare. Natural selection is about aligning for the long term with enough patience to find the needle in the haystack.

Women who aren't aligned with you will naturally screen themselves out unless you do it first. So maybe your screening skills could use practice so you don't spend too much time with those who are not right for you.

When your primary goal of dating is to screen out bad matches rather than play out every hand you're dealt to your own detriment, you'll pass on bad matches early rather than acting like a 'candle in the wind', ya know?

Keep opting for resilience, pass on bad matches early, and hold out for simpatico with THE woman who actually 'gets you'. You will thank yourself.