Considering divorce, scared of losing time with kids

[DeserveBetter]

I’m struggling with how to handle my situation and any advice would be very welcome. I’m a male, and the wife and I are both 41 with two daughters, 6 and 3. We both love them very much. Would like to lay out the situation so you have all of the facts. 

Wife has been going through a major mid life crisis and making tons of changes in her behavior. A few months ago she confessed that she’s “developed feelings” for someone out of state (met virtually through work) who has a non traditional approach to life (non-monogamous, doesn’t believe in marriage or long term relationships, they/them pronouns, bohemian lifestyle, etc.) whom she has been talking to and exploring the potential for some kind of romance, but called it off because of the out of state thing and me being somewhat of an obstacle. 

She suggested we become “business partners” who stay married, live together, and raise the kids together, but date people on the side. She’s convinced that this would be easy if I just “look around” because she has a mentally unstable friend who she’s confided in who consistently dates married men. I’m the primary breadwinner and she obviously doesn’t want to lose that. We live in Texas where there is child support but no alimony.

I’m really not interested in this setup. I feel offended, emasculated, hurt, and embarrassed, and I have told her all of this. Call me crazy but I’d like a wife who is committed to me, at least emotionally, above others. We’ve attended counseling and had several conversations about how to move forward but are in a bit of a stalemate. 

She is often irrational and logically inconsistent in how she is approaching this, and she even recognizes that but nevertheless says that even if things are one way, she feels that they are another way and that’s what matters. She has been attending solo therapy too but her therapist is a new wave kind of person who talks with her about “energies” and similar concepts, which feeds her newfound passions for tarot cards, astrology, and other mysticism. She has said several times that she blames the failure of her proposal, and the downward spiral of our marriage over the last few months, on the fact that I’m too “rigid” to see the “shades of grey” that I should embrace. 

She is very cold now and we only talk when parenting is involved. She’s also terribly enmeshed with her parents, has been for a while, and has fallen back into having them around or on the phone as much as possible, possibly as a way to avoid dealing with me. We are having what is supposed to be our big “is there a possible way forward” conversation in early January but honestly I’m not seeing how there could possibly be one.

I know this setup can’t be healthy for the kids, but I’m struggling mightily with the thought of losing them 50% of the time or even more. The fact that others have been through it inspires me, and hearing from others that it gets better eventually after divorce is comforting. I know there are no good answers here and that some sort of separation is almost surely necessary, but I’m just dying inside because of the kids.

I think leaving will be worth it in the end, both for me and for my kids, even if I’ll have to go through some really rough times to get there. However, I don’t want to take the plunge without soliciting as much feedback as possible. Is there a way for this to work? Should I stay with her for a longer period to see if things change again? Or would I just be wasting time and keeping the children in a toxic environment unnecessarily? Any and all feedback is appreciated, even if it’s critical.

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, DeserveBetter said:

Should I stay with her for a longer period to see if things change again?

No.

I’m sorry, but things won’t change. She isn’t interested in a committed monogamous relationship with you anymore and she has cheated on you emotionally and perhaps physically as well.

You aren’t compatible with each other and staying together will just prolong your suffering and exacerbate the toxic atmosphere that will surely greatly harm your kids.

Make sure you have a good lawyer and arrange a custody deal that will allow you to spend sufficient time with your kids. 

[Acacia98]

13 hours ago, DeserveBetter said:

Is there a way for this to work? Should I stay with her for a longer period to see if things change again? Or would I just be wasting time and keeping the children in a toxic environment unnecessarily? Any and all feedback is appreciated, even if it’s critical.

I don't see how you can make this work. Her vision of what should happen going forward is very self-centered and tends to objectify you. It's like you're an object that can simply be adjusted to fit into her new reality. When your partner stops thinking of you as a human being with valid thoughts and feelings and opinions, you cannot "make things work" without doing great harm to yourself. So IMO, you need to start working on that exit plan, not just for your kids' sake but also for you.

I do wonder: is everything about her behavior new? Did she previously have a selfish streak? Do you mind telling us what she was like before the apparent midlife crisis? How long have you known her? And how long have you been together? Your description of her reminds me of a couple of people I know. But it's possible that imagining something that's not there.

Edited 5 hours ago by Acacia98

[DeserveBetter]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

No.

I’m sorry, but things won’t change. She isn’t interested in a committed monogamous relationship with you anymore and she has cheated on you emotionally and perhaps physically as well.

You aren’t compatible with each other and staying together will just prolong your suffering and exacerbate the toxic atmosphere that will surely greatly harm your kids.

Make sure you have a good lawyer and arrange a custody deal that will allow you to spend sufficient time with your kids. 

Thanks for your feedback. I think you’re right to summarize it as a comparability issue. I hadn’t thought of it in that way before but it’s absolutely true. When we got together 15 years ago one of the things that struck me was how compatible our personalities were. I dated several others before then and had very little compatibility with any of them so when I started dating my wife and we clicked so well it was like a whole new world. That’s definitely gone now, and I think that explains a lot of my sadness about how things have unfolded. I understand that people change over time and it’s best to accept that and move on, but missing the kids 50% of the time will be very difficult, even if the split is better for them in the end. I just want to make sure I’ve done everything I can before pulling the plug. Thanks again!

[DeserveBetter]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I don't see how you can make this work. Her vision of what should happen going forward is very self-centered and tends to objectify you. It's like you're an object that can simply be adjusted to fit into her new reality. When your partner stops thinking of you as a human being with valid thoughts and feelings and opinions, you cannot "make things work" without doing great harm to yourself. So IMO, you need to start working on that exit plan, not just for your kids' sake but also for you.

I do wonder: is everything about her behavior new? Did she previously have a selfish streak? Do you mind telling us what she was like before the apparent midlife crisis? How long have you known her? And how long have you been together? Your description of her reminds me of a couple of people I know. But it's possible that imagining something that's not there.

Thanks for sharing your perspective, I think you’re right even though it’s going to be difficult. To answer your questions, we knew each other in high school but only started dating in our mid 20s, around 15 years ago. And yes she has always had a selfish streak but it’s never manifested in this way before. I usually thought of it as an inability to understand consequences. Typically she wants something to happen in some way (or conversely to not happen in some way), becomes mad if something else happens, and won’t listen to explanations as to why it needed to happen in that way.
 

A small example - we are almost always late everywhere we go, even to kids’ events like basketball games. I tell her we should be on time, and that it sets a bad example for the kids if we show them that being late is ok, especially when we’ve committed to others who are having to wait for us (for example the basketball team can’t play until we get there). However, she doesn’t share that view and thinks it’s not a problem if people have to wait, and If I try to start getting the kids ready earlier or faster so we can be on time she will get angry or annoyed because she doesn’t want to be rushed. This was also the case before kids, and it also happens when our mutual friends would want to be on time places (so it’s not just when I do it). Same is true when I try to establish a bedtime routine for the kids — she just wants to hang out with the kids until she decides she wants to go to bed, whether thats 9 pm or 11 pm. I try to get them moving toward bed around 8:30 and she is very frustrated by it. She also hates (and that’s a quote) that I engage in my hobby, which is running in the mornings before she wakes up, even though she can’t explain why, and even though she has her own hobby of gardening that takes hours each Saturday and Sunday. Her best explanation so far is that she feels that running is my priority over the family, but when I present her with evidence that this is obviously false (again, I’m running before she even wakes up), she admits that it may be incorrect but it doesn’t matter because she “feels” like it’s the case.  
 

There are other examples of smaller bouts of selfishness, but like I said it’s never manifested into something like this before. I do think this is consistent with those smaller examples though. 
 

Your point about her thinking about me as an object makes sense. That hadn’t occurred to me before, but it would explain both her general selfish approach and the way she wants this relationship to move forward. The way I would describe it using that term is that she expects everything with me to happen on her terms because I’m just an object that she expects to carry along with her. My views are invalid because why would an object’s views ever matter? So when I don’t go along with her desires she gets frustrated rather than comprising. That makes a lot of sense. 
 

Another question — she says that I’m naive because there are tons of couples who have the type of relationship that she wants and I shouldn’t expect that any married couple will continue to love each other for a long period of time. I've called this out as gaslighting and told her that there are tons of couples who continue to love each other and stay together through ups and downs (hence our vows). Not that I think this one can be saved at this point, but any thoughts you have on this subject would be appreciated!