My boyfriend of 3+ years is still not ready to meet my parents

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Els said:

But expecting your partner of 3+ years to suck it up and meet your parents occasionally isn't unreasonable IMO

Sure, it’s not unreasonable. But I still don’t see why the refusal to meet the parents is interpreted as a sure symptom of commitment issues. And why it is such a dealbreaker, especially, as the OP states above, they don’t want kids.

What positive changes exactly, will occur in their lives if her boyfriend does agree to meet her parents?

I met the parents of all my LTR exes but one, and was involved in their extended family life. And they all met my mother. At best, it was just something to endure. At worst, it affected the relationship negatively.

 

[Zinnia-850]

Just now, Gebidozo said:

Sure, it’s not unreasonable. But I still don’t see why the refusal to meet the parents is interpreted as a sure symptom of commitment issues. And why it is such a dealbreaker, especially, as the OP states above, they don’t want kids.

What positive changes exactly, will occur in their lives if her boyfriend does agree to meet her parents?

I met the parents of all my LTR exes but one, and was involved in their extended family life. And they all met my mother. At best, it was just something to endure. At worst, it affected the relationship negatively.

 

well I guess most people view the ultimate commitment as having kids and getting married. Since i'm not doing either of those things i feel like the biggest thing is being able to interact with and be around my family. I totally get it if one or both partners have family members that are cut off, hard to be around or just bad/judgemental people that it would be something to consider never meeting them. But considering I visit my parents and spend holidays and vacations with them it of course would be ideal to have my partner be able to join. They arent toxic or bad people to be around... then theres also the element of my parents starting to age and maybe sometime within the next 10 years or so i may have to move closer and want to spend more quality time with them or even help out. And at that point if we are still together in my opinion it would just be weird for him to never see them. Im definitely not.saying he should be with me every time or be super involved, just seeing them once in awhile would suffice. 

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, Zinnia-850 said:

Even without the fertility lens theres still the thought that im dedicating that many years to someone who isnt "the one". But hindsight is 2020 and i dont know what the future holds, naturally i feel conflicted. 

Give yourself the gift of getting out in the world to meet new friends. See how you feel when you encounter healthy couples who socialize together. Learn whether that taps something in you that desires the same kind of partnership. Either it will or it won't. If so, you'll figure out what you need to do, and if not, then living as a recluse with your guy's issues may not be as depressing for you as I found it to be.

[ExpatInItaly]

When you have to work this hard to get your boyfriend of 3 years to even consider meeting your parents, I think there is a much bigger and pinker elephanti n the room that is not being addressed. 

[smackie9]

I feel there needs to be more honest discussions with him to share your feelings. Maybe force the hand a little bit and get him to go out more with you where there will be people, light crowds, fun activities. Nice time to go ice skating, see the festive lights, Christmas market etc. The less he does the more this will get worse for him. He needs to get off his butt and do stuff...even if it's just a walk through the mall or a park. 

[Gaeta]

17 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

What positive changes exactly, will occur in their lives if her boyfriend does agree to meet her parents?

Both my adult daughters don't want kids or marriage, it has nothing to do with meeting me or not.  l want to know the men in my daughters lives and l want my daughters with their partners in my life. For a lot of people family matters. My daughters boyfriend are family to me, l matter to them, they matter to me. I know if l'm in trouble they are 1 phone call away. 

Maybe OP is a bit like me and family matters. 

[Sanch62]

On 12/25/2025 at 12:34 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

When you have to work this hard to get your boyfriend of 3 years to even consider meeting your parents, I think there is a much bigger and pinker elephanti n the room that is not being addressed. 

I agree. It's up to you to decide whether you want to take on the role of a rehab specialist for someone who is unwilling to help himself, or whether this particular issue represents a continual slew of issues you've been willing to overlook but are now recognizing as unsustainable for you and the future you envision for yourself.

Either you want to stay and cater this man, or you want to offer him some options for doing the work to prevent his problems from snowballing, or you want a healthy partner who can offer you a future that aligns with what you want for your Self.

This guy is not likely to ever give you what you want, so it's up to you to decide how much of your own future you are willing to drop in terms of expectations, or how much of a healthy future you are willing to pursue without him.

[Els]

On 12/25/2025 at 11:20 AM, Gebidozo said:

What positive changes exactly, will occur in their lives if her boyfriend does agree to meet her parents?

Well, for one thing, she could celebrate her birthday with all of the people who matter the most to her in one room, instead of one person or the other always being missing.

It's like a partner who refuses to meet any of your friends - for the rest of your life you will have to decide if you want your friends present or your partner present for all your social events. Not a nice choice to have to make, especially on a permanent basis.

But at the end of the day it just depends on the person and how important it is to them. Family is important to the OP, so surely you can understand why this would be a dealbreaker to her. 

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Els said:

Well, for one thing, she could celebrate her birthday with all of the people who matter the most to her in one room, instead of one person or the other always being missing.

I see… I didn’t think of this because both my partner and I can’t stand birthday celebrations. Also because we are horrified by large gatherings of people. But of course people are different.

 

9 hours ago, Els said:

It's like a partner who refuses to meet any of your friends - for the rest of your life you will have to decide if you want your friends present or your partner present for all your social events. Not a nice choice to have to make, especially on a permanent basis.

Refusing to meet partner’s friends is indeed a bit strange. But I definitely prefer to separate friend meetings with partner meetings. When friends meet they want to talk about their stuff, so I’d never volunteer to intrude on that time, and would definitely feel uncomfortable if someone does it to me.

 

9 hours ago, Els said:

Family is important to the OP, so surely you can understand why this would be a dealbreaker to her. 

That’s the thing, I don’t quite understand. Sure, family it’s important. But it’s not that he doesn’t let the OP have quality family time with her relatives. I mean, I agree that his refusal to meet her parents is a bit weird, but I find it hard to see it as a dealbreaker. It’s his personal decision that doesn’t infringe on the OP’s life.

[Acacia98]

On 12/24/2025 at 5:37 PM, Zinnia-850 said:

I guess the reason ive kept prodding him is because every time ive brought it up in person previously he doesnt give me a yes or a no, and he just says he isnt ready yet but knows its important and wants to be able to do it. So he's acting like it is possible if i just wait long enough. But like I keep thinking, how much longer am i supposed to wait? cause if he's not going to heal himself its not going to get any easier for him...

That's where the manipulative part comes in. He keeps on postponing it to some undefined point in the future, and you keep the hope alive because he's not saying no. But that point never comes. In fact, it will never come because he's not actually doing anything concrete to make it happen.

You ask how much longer you are supposed to wait. Wait as long as you want to, but take ownership of the choice. Don't turn around and blame him for your choice to ultimately spend 20 years (or however many years it ends up being) waiting. Remember: no one's holding a gun to your head. The only thing keeping you in place right now is your choice to continue hoping and waiting. You also seemingly subscribe to the notion that doing right by yourself would be a betrayal of him. So you've pretty much guilt-tripped yourself into sacrificing your own preferences, hopes, and desires. That's why I gently suggest that, in your laser focus on him and his issues, you are choosing to neglect your own. You need to work on rebuilding your self-esteem so that you stop putting yourself last. 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

That’s the thing, I don’t quite understand. Sure, family it’s important. But it’s not that he doesn’t let the OP have quality family time with her relatives. I mean, I agree that his refusal to meet her parents is a bit weird, but I find it hard to see it as a dealbreaker. It’s his personal decision that doesn’t infringe on the OP’s life.

That's probably because it wouldn't be a deal-breaker for you. But it is one for her. It would be one for me. People are different. Some of the things that would matter the most to you in a relationship might mean absolutely nothing to me and vice versa. That's why we need to choose relationship partners who are compatible with us (as opposed to going by some rigid standard set by society). 

[Sanch62]

10 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

So you've pretty much guilt-tripped yourself into sacrificing your own preferences, hopes, and desires. That's why I gently suggest that, in your laser focus on him and his issues, you are choosing to neglect your own. You need to work on rebuilding your self-esteem so that you stop putting yourself last. 

Yes, and I would shift your focus on this one detail as resolving anything. The guy isn't just anti-social towards your family; he is increasingly anti-social, period. That's not going to change. So choosing to live out your future with a recluse means that one meeting with your family solves nothing but one meeting with your family. That's it.

It doesn't mean there will be a next meeting with your family, or that you'll suddenly enjoy a future of exploring the outside world with a healthy partner.

You'll need to choose a life of self-imposed seclusion or a life of exploring new interests and people and places and experiences all on your own. Hopefully you wouldn't get any friction from him as a barrier to doing that, but reclusive people tend to make their world smaller and smaller over time with more and more restrictions. Are you prepared for his neediness to restrict you from enjoying a full and healthy life beyond the confines of him?

[Els]

16 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

That’s the thing, I don’t quite understand. Sure, family it’s important. But it’s not that he doesn’t let the OP have quality family time with her relatives. I mean, I agree that his refusal to meet her parents is a bit weird, but I find it hard to see it as a dealbreaker. It’s his personal decision that doesn’t infringe on the OP’s life.

Honestly it's a bit perplexing that you don't understand this. Most people's lives will involve social events that include their family and/or friends AND their partner - weddings, funerals, Christmas, birthdays, other celebrations, drinks, dinners, heck just gatherings in general. 

It's your prerogative to never attend large gatherings but surely you must understand that that is NOT common? Most of us attend gatherings that involve other people, and many of us want our partner there during those gatherings. 

Some people don't care about the family thing because their family is estranged, sure. But I've never met anyone whose partner wasn't EVER willing to attend a gathering with their family or friends when asked. It doesn't sound sustainable, so I imagine those relationships would typically disintegrate quickly. Sometimes the partner has boundaries like no religious ceremonies or other things, and those can be worked around, but to just not attend anything at all with no compromise offered would be incredibly rare, and understandably off-putting.

Edited December 27, 2025 by Els

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Els said:

to just not attend anything at all with no compromise offered would be incredibly rare, and understandably off-putting.

Well, to me, it’s more like a blessing. I understand that I’m in the minority here, and that most people like those gatherings. I just personally don’t quite see how the OP’s boyfriend’s refusal to participate in them is a dealbreaker. She can still take part in them, just without him.

A dealbreaker would be if he prevented her from going to such gathering and forced her into his lifestyle choices.

But anyway, if she says it’s a dealbreaker, then it is. My opinion that it is not a dealbreaker is irrelevant, I was just hoping that maybe the OP could see it differently.

[Els]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, to me, it’s more like a blessing. I understand that I’m in the minority here, and that most people like those gatherings. I just personally don’t quite see how the OP’s boyfriend’s refusal to participate in them is a dealbreaker. She can still take part in them, just without him.

IMO it's not necessarily about enjoyment either. Like, nobody likes going to a funeral, but if I were to attend a funeral of a beloved family member, I would certainly hope my partner would be there to support me, not just staying at home because he doesn't want to meet my family.

 

 

[Sanch62]

6 hours ago, Els said:

IMO it's not necessarily about enjoyment either. Like, nobody likes going to a funeral, but if I were to attend a funeral of a beloved family member, I would certainly hope my partner would be there to support me, not just staying at home because he doesn't want to meet my family.

It's also not just about family. G, if you and your partner are socially happy--and healthy--despite the exclusion of family, that's great. But that's not the case here. OP mentions only recently opting to push out into the world to try to make some friends and build a social life. That means for 3 years she has not done so. So the two have narrowed their focus down to one another, and while OP wants to spread her wings socially, the BF isn't budging, and he has no desire to seek the help to do so.

If OP is at a crossroads in deciding whether to pursue healthy socialization versus a reclusive lifestyle, meeting her family is only the tip of the iceberg. It's the one thing she views as relevant, and I applaud you for seeing that it is not. But if the whole of one's lifestyle is so narrowed that the only thing that seems to ring a bell is meeting one's family, then the problem is far, far larger than meeting the family in terms of overall health and happiness.

[ShyViolet]

14 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, to me, it’s more like a blessing. I understand that I’m in the minority here, and that most people like those gatherings. I just personally don’t quite see how the OP’s boyfriend’s refusal to participate in them is a dealbreaker. She can still take part in them, just without him.

It's fine if this works for you and your relationship.  But this isn't the norm, and not something to base general advice on.  It feels like not being willing to fully integrate into a partner's life, and it's rather immature.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

It's fine if this works for you and your relationship.  But this isn't the norm, and not something to base general advice on.

To piggy-back on this, I also think it bears repeating that it would be at odds with OP's own view of what a life partner is. 

For her, it clearly involves at least some integration of her relationship and her family. She is understandably unlikely to be happy keeping these two important parts of her life separate.  Suggesting to her to just attend family events alone and let boyfriend be is obviously not going to be a workable solution for her, or she wouldn't be here twisting herself into knots trying to find a way to make her boyfriend okay with this idea. 

She can't force him to be a bigger part of her life that way, of course. And he can't force her to be okay with this continued resistance to meeting her family. But they can (and should) each think long and hard about whether this relationship really is viable anymore. There is a pretty significant incompatiblity here.