My boyfriend of 3+ years is still not ready to meet my parents

[Zinnia-850]

My bf (M32) is extremely reluctant to meet my (F25) parents. So, I have discussed this with him various times telling him that it's been a long time and I think if we want to be serious together then he should at meet them. 
For context, i'm only really close with my mom and dad at this point (besides one aunt that lives far away) and I have no siblings. So not exactly a big family for him to deal with. I live a state away atp so I don't see them except maybe several times a year at their house and then a few more times they come and visit me for a day. 

He is not really close at all with his mom anymore for reasons which are his own and don't bother me, but he is still close with his dad. He moved back in with his dad a couple years ago since his dad is in his 70s now and needs some helping and cleaning around the house, shoveling, taking to appointments, etc. His dad has caused him some trauma in his life although loves him overall. But I think both his parents instilled some insecurities in his belief that he doesnt matter and fears of abandonment, and I think he knows this. 

Both of us have our issues, neither of us can afford therapy, and some of these issues have come up in our relationship but overall we have tried our best to address them and in total we have a good and loving relationship. When we started dating i was of the mind that i wanted something casual and he was okay with that, but I got older and we fell in love and I decided I wanted more and more commitment. Not marriage and kids, but the commitment of him integrating into my life and basically saying that he views me as his life partner. Now he's basically said more or less he could see spending his life with me, until I( if )I choose to leave him. Essentially with his insecurities and level of confidence he believes I probably will leave him at some point. And this clearly  translates to this issue. 

THE REASON: Basically he's hesitant because of his insecurities, he thinks my dad in particular will judge him because he never went to college and his job is really dead end. And he just is ashamed of himself But i've told him that even if my dad asks a few questions all they really care abt is if im happy, and if he merely projected some confidence he'd be fine. He is friends with my mom on instagram and fb and hes even messaged her a few times because my mom is more chill and kind of the laid back open minded artist type. Shes asked several times when shes going to meet him and ive literally run out of excuses by this point. 
ive told him all of this many times especially recently and asked if he could at least go to dinner with me and my parents on my birthday. He said with his physical state and what hes been going through recently he cant give a confident yes but he wishes he could. 

How much longer does he need? am I being unreasonable? ive said all this and more and the thing is he AGREES with me, he knows it's a problem, He wants to be better but its so hard because if he says yes he'll go out of his mind with anxiety as it comes up. Theres honestly a part of me that feels like of I was enough for him or maybe hes just not mature enough that he needs to get over it. But I hold out hope that with enough prodding..... i dont know anymore. I don't even know what i'm asking except: should I give him more time? is this something you've heard of? I just need anothers perspective I guess

TL;DR: Bf and I love each other, overall relationship is going good except for his insecurities that lead him to refuse to meet my parents even though its been 3 years and i view it as an issue to commitment. He recognizes this, but still wont give me a yes. Should I give him more time?

[Gebidozo]

Interesting, I have the exact opposite problem. My partner’s parents still refuse to meet me after almost 3 years.

You’re saying that it’s a commitment issue, but according to your boyfriend it’s a personal thing that doesn’t really impact his commitment to you, right? At least that’s the impression I got.

Personally, I don’t view a refusal to meet your partner’s parents as a commitment issue, unless it’s a part of several other tendencies that can only be explained with lack of commitment.

At any rate, if you’re otherwise satisfied with him I don’t see any point in pressuring him to meet your parents. That will only damage your relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Zinnia-850 said:

is this something you've heard of?

Not after this long, no. Barring some extreme case where there has indeed been bad blood for whatever reason, I would be very unhappy wtih my partner still refusing to meet my parents after 3 years. 

1 hour ago, Zinnia-850 said:

Both of us have our issues, neither of us can afford therapy, and some of these issues have come up in our relationship

What sort of issues? 

[Acacia98]

Yeah... I've experienced this. What it meant at the end of the day was that our relationship could not progress beyond a certain point. 

You can hang in there as long as you like, but knowing what I know now, I would have advised my younger self not to bother being in a relationship with someone whose insecurities were of the relationship-ending type. You know what I mean: the insecurities that end up being expressed in words like "I'm not good enough for you," "You're going to leave me one day," "Your parents/friends think I'm not good enough for you," etc. People who talk/think like this will either end the relationship out of the blue one day when you think things are going well or will sabotage the relationship by not doing things that would enable the relationship to progress (e.g. by not meeting your parents, never being ready to get engaged/have kids/do something else that matters).

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Zinnia-850 said:

Essentially with his insecurities and level of confidence he believes I probably will leave him at some point.

And he's counting on it.  It sounds like he doesn't want to take this relationship to the next level, and he doesn't feel "ready" to make a lifelong commitment to you.  It's not a matter of giving him more time.  It's just not something he wants or feels comfortable with.  Whether it's due to "insecurities" or not, that doesn't really matter.  You're not going to get the commitment you want from this guy.

2 hours ago, Zinnia-850 said:

Now he's basically said more or less he could see spending his life with me, until I( if )I choose to leave him.

This is a bizarre thing to say.  This is not something that a guy says if he is truly committed to a relationship, casually talking about the possibility of you leaving him.  I think subconsciously he wants that to happen.  It sounds like he has one foot in and one foot out of the relationship.  He's perpetually "not ready" for a serious relationship.  

[Zinnia-850]

24 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Yeah... I've experienced this. What it meant at the end of the day was that our relationship could not progress beyond a certain point. 

You can hang in there as long as you like, but knowing what I know now, I would have advised my younger self not to bother being in a relationship with someone whose insecurities were of the relationship-ending type. You know what I mean: the insecurities that end up being expressed in words like "I'm not good enough for you," "You're going to leave me one day," "Your parents/friends think I'm not good enough for you," etc. People who talk/think like this will either end the relationship out of the blue one day when you think things are going well or will sabotage the relationship by not doing things that would enable the relationship to progress (e.g. by not meeting your parents, never being ready to get engaged/have kids/do something else that matters).

I hate that you're most likely right... it's heartbreaking for me because I love him and I know he loves me but he's letting these insecurities get in the way and i feel so sad that for a long time ive known that on some level but i have kept on trying and trying to believe that with work and talking things through i could "heal" his insecurities and there are things hes said that have made me hopeful... but if i cant i have to be the cruel one and fulfill them..

[Zinnia-850]

10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

And he's counting on it.  It sounds like he doesn't want to take this relationship to the next level, and he doesn't feel "ready" to make a lifelong commitment to you.  It's not a matter of giving him more time.  It's just not something he wants or feels comfortable with.  Whether it's due to "insecurities" or not, that doesn't really matter.  You're not going to get the commitment you want from this guy.

This is a bizarre thing to say.  This is not something that a guy says if he is truly committed to a relationship, casually talking about the possibility of you leaving him.  I think subconsciously he wants that to happen.  It sounds like he has one foot in and one foot out of the relationship.  He's perpetually "not ready" for a serious relationship.  

And the thing is when i corner him he says he is committed to me. he has acknowledged he shouldnt say those things but still... i know he has bad fears of abandonment in general which is contributing. ugh it sucks he can be so loving and affectionate with me and helpful in other ways but then he wont do these simple things for me and if i prod him too much he will get upset and bring up how i said i felt bad for prodding him too much so qhy am i doing it.

[Acacia98]

33 minutes ago, Zinnia-850 said:

I hate that you're most likely right... it's heartbreaking for me because I love him and I know he loves me but he's letting these insecurities get in the way and i feel so sad that for a long time ive known that on some level but i have kept on trying and trying to believe that with work and talking things through i could "heal" his insecurities and there are things hes said that have made me hopeful... but if i cant i have to be the cruel one and fulfill them..

Believe you me, you can't heal him. The person who is unwell is the only one who can admit that he/she is unwell and seek treatment.

Keep in mind that these are not just insecurities. They are the life story he has chosen, and he is committed to making this story his reality. At the same time, he wants to have his cake and eat it (after all, we all want to be loved), so if you offer him love, he will take it as long as it doesn't interfere with this life story. That makes him kind of selfish. It also means he is low on the emotional intelligence scale (at some point, we have to be able to admit when we or the people we date are stupid/willfully stubborn about relationships and emotional matters).

If you choose to leave, that's not you being cruel. That's you accepting that he has drawn a line in the sand and respecting it. That's what a mature loving relationship looks like. If he tries to guilt-trip you about it, then he's a manipulative jerk. If you try to guilt-trip yourself about it, that means you have issues that you need to get addressed, and your priority should be getting help for yourself. Forget about healing your boyfriend; you need to heal yourself. In fact, I would argue that this should be your priority now. 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Zinnia-850 said:

 if i prod him too much he will get upset and bring up how i said i felt bad for prodding him too much so qhy am i doing it.

He's right, you know. Prodding him to do something he already said he wouldn't do is like getting mad at a glass of wine for not being a mug of warm milk. You should accept that he is what he is, recognize that you have valid needs that he does not have the ability or desire to meet, and let him go. He is best off dating women who are okay with non-commitment. And you are best off dating men who want the relationships they're in to have the potential to progress.

[Zinnia-850]

6 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

He's right, you know. Prodding him to do something he already said he wouldn't do is like getting mad at a glass of wine for not being a mug of warm milk. You should accept that he is what he is, recognize that you have valid needs that he does not have the ability or desire to meet, and let him go. He is best off dating women who are okay with non-commitment. And you are best off dating men who want the relationships they're in to have the potential to progress.

I guess the reason ive kept prodding him is because every time ive brought it up in person previously he doesnt give me a yes or a no, and he just says he isnt ready yet but knows its important and wants to be able to do it. So he's acting like it is possible if i just wait long enough. But like I keep thinking, how much longer am i supposed to wait? cause if he's not going to heal himself its not going to get any easier for him...

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Zinnia-850 said:

But like I keep thinking, how much longer am i supposed to wait?

I seem to represent a minority opinion in this discussion, but I honestly don’t quite understand why meeting your partner’s parents is so crucial.

What if he never meets them? Or only meets them if and when you have kids? How exactly would that affect the feeling between you, the time you spend with each other, the trust and commitment between you?

[Els]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

I seem to represent a minority opinion in this discussion, but I honestly don’t quite understand why meeting your partner’s parents is so crucial.

What if he never meets them? Or only meets them if and when you have kids? How exactly would that affect the feeling between you, the time you spend with each other, the trust and commitment between you?

To some people family bonds are important. In fact, I would say, to most people family bonds are important to some extent. There's a level to which it becomes unreasonable of course, like if she was expecting him to financially support her family. But expecting your partner of 3+ years to suck it up and meet your parents occasionally isn't unreasonable IMO, unless they have already met and the parents behaved egregiously towards him.

Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. I mean, technically speaking, the way your partner treats waitstaff, or animals, or just about anyone besides you doesn't really affect your relationship either. Except for most people it would, because we live in a world with other living beings and it's important to have a partner who gets along with them, especially the ones that matter to you.

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, Els said:

To some people family bonds are important. In fact, I would say, to most people family bonds are important to some extent.

I agree. 

I personally would not date someone who was so opposed to meeting my family after such an extended period. To me, that would be bizarre and signal that we are absolutely not aligned in our preferences and values. 

[Zinnia-850]

35 minutes ago, Els said:

To some people family bonds are important. In fact, I would say, to most people family bonds are important to some extent. There's a level to which it becomes unreasonable of course, like if she was expecting him to financially support her family. But expecting your partner of 3+ years to suck it up and meet your parents occasionally isn't unreasonable IMO, unless they have already met and the parents behaved egregiously towards him.

Relationships don't exist in a vacuum. I mean, technically speaking, the way your partner treats waitstaff, or animals, or just about anyone besides you doesn't really affect your relationship either. Except for most people it would, because we live in a world with other living beings and it's important to have a partner who gets along with them, especially the ones that matter to you.

you summed up my feelings pretty well here. It also bothers me that technically he's met his exes parents although to be fair it was an unintentional meeting but still, once he got to meet his exes mom they got on perfectly fine. I know hes had some of his exes dads/stepdads not really like him when he was a teenager. 

[smackie9]

Benefit of a doubt:

I have a suggestion...exposure therapy, but things that you can do yourself to help to give him exposure to your parents with: have him join in on a chat/ FB messenger, then move to sharing facetime til he gets more and more familiar with them with you doing this right by his side. Even if he doesn't say much, at least he can feel he a part of getting to know them. 

I get it, someone with anxiety, they can be frustrating BUT at least he is communicating it to you how he is feeling. He cant help it. Anxiety can physically be very painful, and dishabilitating. Sure he may have been OK with past exes, but over time things can change in a person, also circumstances that give them that fear. 

Call him out on it:

Give him an ultimatum/hard talk, with the possibility of you ending things. You can't just sit by and let things stay the way they are. Maybe you are just a place holder and don't even know it...this would be him not wanting to invest much. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

 

What if he never meets them? Or only meets them if and when you have kids? How exactly would that affect the feeling between you, the time you spend with each other, the trust and commitment between you?

I dated a man like OP and l ended it after one year. I was not willing to invest more in a man that would be absent to every b'day, family bbq, xmas, NYE, vacations, etc. 

OP, all this is not about insecurities, he's using this as an excuse to not officialize your relationship in the eyes of others. You're not *the one*, you're the one for 'right now'.

The answer is never complicated. You let this go far too long.

[Zinnia-850]

39 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I dated a man like OP and l ended it after one year. I was not willing to invest more in a man that would be absent to every b'day, family bbq, xmas, NYE, vacations, etc. 

OP, all this is not about insecurities, he's using this as an excuse to not officialize your relationship in the eyes of others. You're not *the one*, you're the one for 'right now'.

The answer is never complicated. You let this go far too long.

Yeah, to be fair i'm not sure I can really blame him too hard considering when we met he wasn't even looking for a relationship. We just got on really good as friends, had shared hobbies and were attracted to each other so it took awhile to even say that we were actually officially dating. I guess it hasnt really been intentional from the start

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, Zinnia-850 said:

Yeah, to be fair i'm not sure I can really blame him too hard considering when we met he wasn't even looking for a relationship. We just got on really good as friends, had shared hobbies and were attracted to each other so it took awhile to even say that we were actually officially dating. I guess it hasnt really been intentional from the start

So? Now it's official.

Most people will introduce a new dating partner under 6 months and they started as strangers. This man has been exposed to you for 3 years, he knows you well, he knows your qualities and flaws, he knows if you're reliable, affectionate, etc. He had *3years* to figure you out....and still he can't make a simple effort and meet your mother.  That's the kind of man you want!?

Why young women always go for the ducks with broken legs! Get yourself a man that is whole! 

Edited 14 hours ago by Gaeta

[Els]

1 hour ago, Zinnia-850 said:

you summed up my feelings pretty well here. It also bothers me that technically he's met his exes parents although to be fair it was an unintentional meeting but still, once he got to meet his exes mom they got on perfectly fine. I know hes had some of his exes dads/stepdads not really like him when he was a teenager. 

Yeah, I get the anxiety thing, and I might defend him if you two had been together for less than a year... But 3 years! That's a long time, and I think it indicates that this is unlikely to change. There isn't anything that waiting longer will achieve. 

In your place I would try to talk to him plainly about his anxiety and ask if there is anything that can be done to make the first meeting more comfortable for him, e.g. meeting the parents at your place instead of theirs, etc. If he won't even discuss it, I'd seriously reconsider things with him.

[Shehaari]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Benefit of a doubt:

I have a suggestion...exposure therapy, but things that you can do yourself to help to give him exposure to your parents with: have him join in on a chat/ FB messenger, then move to sharing facetime til he gets more and more familiar with them with you doing this right by his side. Even if he doesn't say much, at least he can feel he a part of getting to know them. 

I get it, someone with anxiety, they can be frustrating BUT at least he is communicating it to you how he is feeling. He cant help it. Anxiety can physically be very painful, and dishabilitating. Sure he may have been OK with past exes, but over time things can change in a person, also circumstances that give them that fear. 

I agree with this.. He is already sharing his fears with you, so this approach might actually be more helpful. Be a team about it  

Ideally he would benefit from overcoming his insecurities and/or gaining emotional tools for handling his anxiety in therapy, but it could help having a safe/non-judgemental partner. It seems to me like his fears hit a deeper core wound than he realises, however that is not something you can change. The fact that he doesn't shy away from emotional vulnerability though, is a good thing! 

Side Q OP:
1. Has he ever expressed not being good enough for you and broken up because of that or something similar in the past?
2: Does your mom and dad know you've been dating him for 3 years?

If what he's saying is true and he genuinely loves you as well - then even baby steps forward is better than being idle. 
I suggest you approach it with care rather than demand. Say having your parents get to know him is important to you, and perhaps you find a solution that works for the both of you (like other posters have suggested). Perhaps after some online communication, meeting up for 20-30 minutes as a starter is more doable? 

If he wants to remain idle, then I highly suggest you reflect on what that could mean for the future of your relationship. Hope you guys figure it out

[Zinnia-850]

5 minutes ago, Shehaari said:

I agree with this.. He is already sharing his fears with you, so this approach might actually be more helpful. Be a team about it  

Ideally he would benefit from overcoming his insecurities and/or gaining emotional tools for handling his anxiety in therapy, but it could help having a safe/non-judgemental partner. It seems to me like his fears hit a deeper core wound than he realises, however that is not something you can change. The fact that he doesn't shy away from emotional vulnerability though, is a good thing! 

Side Q OP:
1. Has he ever expressed not being good enough for you and broken up because of that or something similar in the past?
2: Does your mom and dad know you've been dating him for 3 years?

If what he's saying is true and he genuinely loves you as well - then even baby steps forward is better than being idle. 
I suggest you approach it with care rather than demand. Say having your parents get to know him is important to you, and perhaps you find a solution that works for the both of you (like other posters have suggested). Perhaps after some online communication, meeting up for 20-30 minutes as a starter is more doable? 

If he wants to remain idle, then I highly suggest you reflect on what that could mean for the future of your relationship. Hope you guys figure it out

Yeah, ive suggested facetiming with my mom and that the first meeting just be going out dinner.. i'll suggest it again in a week or so when we are together again. 

1. He has, even though i repeatedly reassure him and tell him i wish he'd believe it... idk if hes been broken up with for specifically that but he's deinitely been cheated on which obviously does a number.

2. And yes they both know how long we've been dating, thats why my mom has repeatedly asked if shes ever going to meet him. They have had some back and forth messaging over instagram/fb and my mom even sent him a drawing of his dear cat that passed away years ago which was really sweet.

Edited 11 hours ago by Zinnia-850

[Shehaari]

1 hour ago, Zinnia-850 said:

Yeah, ive suggested facetiming with my mom and that the first meeting just be going out dinner.. i'll suggest it again in a week or so when we are together again. 

What has his responses been like in the past? 
Has he been in long term relationships before?
 

1 hour ago, Zinnia-850 said:

1. He has, even though i repeatedly reassure him and tell him i wish he'd believe it... idk if hes been broken up with for specifically that but he's deinitely been cheated on which obviously does a number.

2. And yes they both know how long we've been dating, thats why my mom has repeatedly asked if shes ever going to meet him. They have had some back and forth messaging over instagram/fb and my mom even sent him a drawing of his dear car that passed away years ago which was really sweet.

Ah, ok. The reason I asked is because I saw some of these tendencies in someone I used to date. He might actually be conflicted and is holding off meeting your parents for as long as he can. For all we know, there might be a mix of previous heartbreak, trust issues, perhaps some abandonment issues (either from his childhood or adult relationships).. Add the challanges he has related to his own mother to the mix and his anxiety would make more sense. That does not mean waiting indefinitly is going to be the right decision for you, but it does put things into perspective. 

Only he would know if- and how this makes sense. 
IMO, his limitations and fears is something he needs to work on navigating on his own, outside your relationship. His challanges seem much deeper than just insecurities regarding his lack of education/good job.

It's so lovely that your mom sent him a drawing of his deceased cat. Considering your mom knows about him, and she's shown signs of kidness - perhaps he would be open to meeting just your mom for a 30-40 min coffee, just the three of you? That way it's less formal, he takes baby steps towards something that means a lot to you, and he also get less overwhelmed (initially).

Ask him if he has suggestions on what could work for the both of you, and then ask about his openness in meeting your mom.
If he's stil hesitant, than that is valuable information for you to consider moving forward. 

I understand this must be challanging for you, and I do hope he'll be willing to meet your mom to begin with.
Please keep us posted on how things go.

Edited 10 hours ago by Shehaari

[Zinnia-850]

8 minutes ago, Shehaari said:

What has his responses been like in the past? 
Has he been in long term relationships before?
 

Ah, ok. The reason I asked is because I saw some of these tendencies in someone I used to date. He might actually be conflicted and is holding off meeting your parents for as long as he can. For all we know, there might be a mix of previous heartbreak, trust issues, perhaps some abandonment issues (either from his childhood or adult relationships).. Add the challanges he has related to his own mother to the mix and his anxiety would make more sense. That does not mean waiting indefinitly is going to be the right decision for you, but it does put things into perspective. 

Only he would know if- and how this makes sense. 
IMO, his limitations and fears is something he needs to work on navigating on his own, outside your relationship. His challanges seem much deeper than just insecurities regarding his lack of education/good job.

It's so lovely that your mom sent him a drawing of his deceased cat. Considering your mom knows about him, and she's shown signs of kidness - perhaps he would be open to meeting just your mom for a 30-40 min coffee, just the three of you? That way it's less formal, he takes baby steps towards something that means a lot to you, and he also get less overwhelmed (initially).

Ask him if he has suggestions on what could work for the both of you, and then ask about his openness in meeting your mom.
If he's stil hesitant, than that is valuable information for you to consider moving forward. 

I understand this must be challanging for you, and I do hope he'll be willing to meet your mom to begin with.
Please keep us posted on how things go.

Those issues are definitely the crux of the issue. He has said it would be easier for him to meet just my mom and im even way closer with her than my dad. Unfortunately i can't see how that would work since we live in a different state and my mom doesnt drive so anytime im visiting my mom my dad is there too. He'd have to be away on a work trip or something which is rare. But yeah I want to clarify im still not ready to give up quite yet, I want to keep having discussions just need to not be pushy about it. And if he really is hesitant even with how clear i've been, then maybe it just is an incompatability with us.

And yeah I also feel like he needs to try and work on these issues separately for his own good, although i'm not sure how without therapy. He's also grown less close with most of his own family over the years which he regrets, and feels bad about. Hes also grown apart from majority of his friends. And its not depression based, I really dont know why. Its definitely not doing him much good. To be fair its not much better with me though ive been trying to socialize with people i like at work.

[Sanch62]

20 minutes ago, Zinnia-850 said:

And yeah I also feel like he needs to try and work on these issues separately for his own good, although i'm not sure how without therapy. He's also grown less close with most of his own family over the years which he regrets, and feels bad about. Hes also grown apart from majority of his friends. And its not depression based, I really dont know why. Its definitely not doing him much good. To be fair its not much better with me though ive been trying to socialize with people i like at work.

I hear, and I feel for him, but I especially feel for you. You've taken on a 'project,' and that's not a promising foundation for a lifetime partner. Think about the kind of father you'll want for your children. Is it an anti-social guy with issues that prevent him from forming social bonds in your community and teaching your children how to do this?

The guy is isolating, and that doesn't get better, especially without professional help. As you've noticed, it gets worse. It also hasn't helped you in terms of expanding your own social reach, and you are likely to become just as isolated as your partner unless you push yourself. But even then, you'll meet healthy couples whom you'll aspire to emulate in your own social life, and this guy makes that impossible.

I lived with someone like this when I was a bit younger than you, but even with his issues he was willing to meet my family, and he bonded well with them. Despite the fact that he encouraged me to socialize as I wished, his reclusive nature had me feeling lonely in contrast to all the healthy couples I'd enjoy meeting while pursuing my solo social life. It made me feel an emptiness that I couldn't resolve as long as I stayed tied to this otherwise wonderful man.

Some people are best loved from far away. He will never give you the security and comfort of equal teamwork in terms of social health and uniting your families. And these are your best fertility years that you will never get back to re-live over again.

Focus on you vision for a healthy partnership that includes family and community bonds for raising a family and supporting the self-development of one another. You can't have this with this guy, no matter how lovely he may be. I would gently end this by telling him that you respect his position and where he stands, and if he ever finds himself willing and able to form the kind of commitment that can bond with family and society, he's welcome to let you know. If you're still available then, maybe you'll meet to catch up. Otherwise, you wish him the best.

[Zinnia-850]

2 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

I hear, and I feel for him, but I especially feel for you. You've taken on a 'project,' and that's not a promising foundation for a lifetime partner. Think about the kind of father you'll want for your children. Is it an anti-social guy with issues that prevent him from forming social bonds in your community and teaching your children how to do this?

The guy is isolating, and that doesn't get better, especially without professional help. As you've noticed, it gets worse. It also hasn't helped you in terms of expanding your own social reach, and you are likely to become just as isolated as your partner unless you push yourself. But even then, you'll meet healthy couples whom you'll aspire to emulate in your own social life, and this guy makes that impossible.

I lived with someone like this when I was a bit younger than you, but even with his issues he was willing to meet my family, and he bonded well with them. Despite the fact that he encouraged me to socialize as I wished, his reclusive nature had me feeling lonely in contrast to all the healthy couples I'd enjoy meeting while pursuing my solo social life. It made me feel an emptiness that I couldn't resolve as long as I stayed tied to this otherwise wonderful man.

Some people are best loved from far away. He will never give you the security and comfort of equal teamwork in terms of social health and uniting your families. And these are your best fertility years that you will never get back to re-live over again.

Focus on you vision for a healthy partnership that includes family and community bonds for raising a family and supporting the self-development of one another. You can't have this with this guy, no matter how lovely he may be. I would gently end this by telling him that you respect his position and where he stands, and if he ever finds himself willing and able to form the kind of commitment that can bond with family and society, he's welcome to let you know. If you're still available then, maybe you'll meet to catch up. Otherwise, you wish him the best.

I'm definitely not going to experience the child issue at least, we both dont want kids and i have my tubes removed. neither of us in general would be good parents, but of course even without that factor his issues still affect me so I get what youre saying. Even without the fertility lens theres still the thought that im dedicating that many years to someone who isnt "the one". But hindsight is 2020 and i dont know what the future holds, naturally i feel conflicted.