My boyfriend of 3+ years is still not ready to meet my parents

[Zinnia-850]

My bf (M32) is extremely reluctant to meet my (F25) parents. So, I have discussed this with him various times telling him that it's been a long time and I think if we want to be serious together then he should at meet them. 
For context, i'm only really close with my mom and dad at this point (besides one aunt that lives far away) and I have no siblings. So not exactly a big family for him to deal with. I live a state away atp so I don't see them except maybe several times a year at their house and then a few more times they come and visit me for a day. 

He is not really close at all with his mom anymore for reasons which are his own and don't bother me, but he is still close with his dad. He moved back in with his dad a couple years ago since his dad is in his 70s now and needs some helping and cleaning around the house, shoveling, taking to appointments, etc. His dad has caused him some trauma in his life although loves him overall. But I think both his parents instilled some insecurities in his belief that he doesnt matter and fears of abandonment, and I think he knows this. 

Both of us have our issues, neither of us can afford therapy, and some of these issues have come up in our relationship but overall we have tried our best to address them and in total we have a good and loving relationship. When we started dating i was of the mind that i wanted something casual and he was okay with that, but I got older and we fell in love and I decided I wanted more and more commitment. Not marriage and kids, but the commitment of him integrating into my life and basically saying that he views me as his life partner. Now he's basically said more or less he could see spending his life with me, until I( if )I choose to leave him. Essentially with his insecurities and level of confidence he believes I probably will leave him at some point. And this clearly  translates to this issue. 

THE REASON: Basically he's hesitant because of his insecurities, he thinks my dad in particular will judge him because he never went to college and his job is really dead end. And he just is ashamed of himself But i've told him that even if my dad asks a few questions all they really care abt is if im happy, and if he merely projected some confidence he'd be fine. He is friends with my mom on instagram and fb and hes even messaged her a few times because my mom is more chill and kind of the laid back open minded artist type. Shes asked several times when shes going to meet him and ive literally run out of excuses by this point. 
ive told him all of this many times especially recently and asked if he could at least go to dinner with me and my parents on my birthday. He said with his physical state and what hes been going through recently he cant give a confident yes but he wishes he could. 

How much longer does he need? am I being unreasonable? ive said all this and more and the thing is he AGREES with me, he knows it's a problem, He wants to be better but its so hard because if he says yes he'll go out of his mind with anxiety as it comes up. Theres honestly a part of me that feels like of I was enough for him or maybe hes just not mature enough that he needs to get over it. But I hold out hope that with enough prodding..... i dont know anymore. I don't even know what i'm asking except: should I give him more time? is this something you've heard of? I just need anothers perspective I guess

TL;DR: Bf and I love each other, overall relationship is going good except for his insecurities that lead him to refuse to meet my parents even though its been 3 years and i view it as an issue to commitment. He recognizes this, but still wont give me a yes. Should I give him more time?

[Gebidozo]

Interesting, I have the exact opposite problem. My partner’s parents still refuse to meet me after almost 3 years.

You’re saying that it’s a commitment issue, but according to your boyfriend it’s a personal thing that doesn’t really impact his commitment to you, right? At least that’s the impression I got.

Personally, I don’t view a refusal to meet your partner’s parents as a commitment issue, unless it’s a part of several other tendencies that can only be explained with lack of commitment.

At any rate, if you’re otherwise satisfied with him I don’t see any point in pressuring him to meet your parents. That will only damage your relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Zinnia-850 said:

is this something you've heard of?

Not after this long, no. Barring some extreme case where there has indeed been bad blood for whatever reason, I would be very unhappy wtih my partner still refusing to meet my parents after 3 years. 

1 hour ago, Zinnia-850 said:

Both of us have our issues, neither of us can afford therapy, and some of these issues have come up in our relationship

What sort of issues? 

[Acacia98]

Yeah... I've experienced this. What it meant at the end of the day was that our relationship could not progress beyond a certain point. 

You can hang in there as long as you like, but knowing what I know now, I would have advised my younger self not to bother being in a relationship with someone whose insecurities were of the relationship-ending type. You know what I mean: the insecurities that end up being expressed in words like "I'm not good enough for you," "You're going to leave me one day," "Your parents/friends think I'm not good enough for you," etc. People who talk/think like this will either end the relationship out of the blue one day when you think things are going well or will sabotage the relationship by not doing things that would enable the relationship to progress (e.g. by not meeting your parents, never being ready to get engaged/have kids/do something else that matters).

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Zinnia-850 said:

Essentially with his insecurities and level of confidence he believes I probably will leave him at some point.

And he's counting on it.  It sounds like he doesn't want to take this relationship to the next level, and he doesn't feel "ready" to make a lifelong commitment to you.  It's not a matter of giving him more time.  It's just not something he wants or feels comfortable with.  Whether it's due to "insecurities" or not, that doesn't really matter.  You're not going to get the commitment you want from this guy.

2 hours ago, Zinnia-850 said:

Now he's basically said more or less he could see spending his life with me, until I( if )I choose to leave him.

This is a bizarre thing to say.  This is not something that a guy says if he is truly committed to a relationship, casually talking about the possibility of you leaving him.  I think subconsciously he wants that to happen.  It sounds like he has one foot in and one foot out of the relationship.  He's perpetually "not ready" for a serious relationship.  

[Zinnia-850]

24 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Yeah... I've experienced this. What it meant at the end of the day was that our relationship could not progress beyond a certain point. 

You can hang in there as long as you like, but knowing what I know now, I would have advised my younger self not to bother being in a relationship with someone whose insecurities were of the relationship-ending type. You know what I mean: the insecurities that end up being expressed in words like "I'm not good enough for you," "You're going to leave me one day," "Your parents/friends think I'm not good enough for you," etc. People who talk/think like this will either end the relationship out of the blue one day when you think things are going well or will sabotage the relationship by not doing things that would enable the relationship to progress (e.g. by not meeting your parents, never being ready to get engaged/have kids/do something else that matters).

I hate that you're most likely right... it's heartbreaking for me because I love him and I know he loves me but he's letting these insecurities get in the way and i feel so sad that for a long time ive known that on some level but i have kept on trying and trying to believe that with work and talking things through i could "heal" his insecurities and there are things hes said that have made me hopeful... but if i cant i have to be the cruel one and fulfill them..

[Zinnia-850]

10 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

And he's counting on it.  It sounds like he doesn't want to take this relationship to the next level, and he doesn't feel "ready" to make a lifelong commitment to you.  It's not a matter of giving him more time.  It's just not something he wants or feels comfortable with.  Whether it's due to "insecurities" or not, that doesn't really matter.  You're not going to get the commitment you want from this guy.

This is a bizarre thing to say.  This is not something that a guy says if he is truly committed to a relationship, casually talking about the possibility of you leaving him.  I think subconsciously he wants that to happen.  It sounds like he has one foot in and one foot out of the relationship.  He's perpetually "not ready" for a serious relationship.  

And the thing is when i corner him he says he is committed to me. he has acknowledged he shouldnt say those things but still... i know he has bad fears of abandonment in general which is contributing. ugh it sucks he can be so loving and affectionate with me and helpful in other ways but then he wont do these simple things for me and if i prod him too much he will get upset and bring up how i said i felt bad for prodding him too much so qhy am i doing it.

[Acacia98]

33 minutes ago, Zinnia-850 said:

I hate that you're most likely right... it's heartbreaking for me because I love him and I know he loves me but he's letting these insecurities get in the way and i feel so sad that for a long time ive known that on some level but i have kept on trying and trying to believe that with work and talking things through i could "heal" his insecurities and there are things hes said that have made me hopeful... but if i cant i have to be the cruel one and fulfill them..

Believe you me, you can't heal him. The person who is unwell is the only one who can admit that he/she is unwell and seek treatment.

Keep in mind that these are not just insecurities. They are the life story he has chosen, and he is committed to making this story his reality. At the same time, he wants to have his cake and eat it (after all, we all want to be loved), so if you offer him love, he will take it as long as it doesn't interfere with this life story. That makes him kind of selfish. It also means he is low on the emotional intelligence scale (at some point, we have to be able to admit when we or the people we date are stupid/willfully stubborn about relationships and emotional matters).

If you choose to leave, that's not you being cruel. That's you accepting that he has drawn a line in the sand and respecting it. That's what a mature loving relationship looks like. If he tries to guilt-trip you about it, then he's a manipulative jerk. If you try to guilt-trip yourself about it, that means you have issues that you need to get addressed, and your priority should be getting help for yourself. Forget about healing your boyfriend; you need to heal yourself. In fact, I would argue that this should be your priority now. 

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Zinnia-850 said:

 if i prod him too much he will get upset and bring up how i said i felt bad for prodding him too much so qhy am i doing it.

He's right, you know. Prodding him to do something he already said he wouldn't do is like getting mad at a glass of wine for not being a mug of warm milk. You should accept that he is what he is, recognize that you have valid needs that he does not have the ability or desire to meet, and let him go. He is best off dating women who are okay with non-commitment. And you are best off dating men who want the relationships they're in to have the potential to progress.