Intermittent reinforcement in relationships: could it be used for good purposes?

[marcusantonio]

We all know that intermittent reinforcement can keep a bond feeling “fresh” by triggering dopamine-driven reward cycles.

The challenge is that overusing this dynamic can lead to trauma bonding, while neglecting it entirely can make a relationship feel stale, causing partners to take each other for granted. (as humans, we crave both security and the sense of excitement and novelty that keeps a relationship alive)

Some people employ intermittent reinforcement unconsciously, while others do so deliberately, sometimes with positive intentions, other times not. The key is finding ways to use this dynamic consciously and responsibly, ensuring it strengthens the relationship and becomes a healthy expression of love.

What we ask ourselves is that if we are aware of how to use it, if there are really options to ensure that this brings only benefits to our relationship.

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, marcusantonio said:

The challenge is that overusing this dynamic can lead to trauma bonding,

What do you mean by that?

 

[Lotsgoingon]

You do NOT build a healthy bond through deliberate intermittent reinforcement. You can build a dysfunctional relationship that way. Intermittent reinforcement (getting a like or response one out of every 20 times you check your site) is a way social media companies foster digital attachment and addiction. 

Intermittent reinforcement was a gimmick that t

The old-school pickup guys would use this strategy, but they were just trying to have sex. And the pick-up guys were deliberately trying to make women feel insecure. 

None of that works for a good long-term relationship.  People in long-term relationships rebel against treatment like that these days. And even if people on the receiving end of this hot-and-cold treatment stay in the relationship, they shut down emotionally, which kills the relationship. 

There are other ways to create excitement, fun and surprise in a long-term relationship. Are you in a long-term relationship?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you actually asking for advice on something? 

 

[marcusantonio]

On 12/28/2025 at 7:09 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

You do NOT build a healthy bond through deliberate intermittent reinforcement. You can build a dysfunctional relationship that way.

The pick-up guys were deliberately trying to make women feel insecure. 

None of that works for a good long-term relationship.  People in long-term relationships rebel against treatment like that these days. And even if people on the receiving end of this hot-and-cold treatment stay in the relationship, they shut down emotionally, which kills the relationship. 

There are other ways to create excitement, fun and surprise in a long-term relationship.

 

It sounds like you have some experience.
Were you a PUA before?
Did you grow into a mature man afterward?

Or at least, it sounds like your experiences have taught you something of both worlds.

Just as I think, manipulative relationships may seem beautiful on the outside (all the accomplishments), but on the inside they're emotionally dead—or rather, they're alive, but not on the right track.

I'd love to hear more about your perspective. (is it possible to dm you?)

Edited 9 hours ago by marcusantonio

[Lotsgoingon]

You can send me a message. No, I was not a PUA. But I read The Game and lots of articles about how the pick-up people work. 

 

Edited 5 hours ago by Lotsgoingon

[Sanch62]

On 12/28/2025 at 1:09 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

People in long-term relationships rebel against treatment like that these days. And even if people on the receiving end of this hot-and-cold treatment stay in the relationship, they shut down emotionally, which kills the relationship. 

Yep, and if they don't rebel, that's even more dismal. How much respect can you have for someone you can manipulate?

How old would it get to be out in the world meeting plenty of equals to play with, but instead you've got poor WhutsHerName waiting for you at home, like a dependent child you've trained to put supper on the table by 6?

Reflect on what you want from a partner. Then ask yourself who you REALLY want.