Dumpers regret

[Anonymous]

I'll start off by saying this entire predicament I'm in is my fault and I'm well aware of that.  I hurt someone close to me and I'm entirely to blame for the situation I'm in.  I feel as though I messed up big time and 2025 has been very difficult for me (deservedly so).

I (31M) dated a woman (32F) for 9 months (Woman A) from the beginning of 2024.  We had been friends for a long time and in the same friendship group for years.  She had been in a relationship with someone in our group for several years, I wouldn't say I was ever close with him or anything, but we did spend a lot of time together in large group events etc.  She ended her relationship with him and very shortly afterwards, I started dating her.  It wasn't planned or anything like that, we hooked up one night and realised we had feelings for each other as time went on.  We kept our relationship secret initially because we weren't sure how our group of friends may perceive it.  She eventually told her female friends in the group, I opted not to mention it to anyone as I was anxious about the group dynamic but I know towards the end people had an idea something was going on anyway.

We got on great for most of it and there was genuinely nothing wrong with her or the relationship.  However, towards the end my interest was starting to decrease a bit and I felt 'something' was missing, but couldn't put my finger on it.  I started to realise we couldn't continue to date in secret as time went on but I felt really anxious at the idea of being 'official' with all our friends and that people might start taking sides etc if we made it public.  I was riddled with anxiety at the time and felt I either needed to embrace it and go 'all in' or put an end to it.  A few weeks later I started chatting to a woman in the office at work (Woman B), and felt some chemistry between us.  I wasn't entirely sure if anything would ever happen with her since we worked together, but I felt my mind starting to wander and decided I was going to break up with Woman A.

When I ended things with Woman A she was in shock, blindsided & really upset.  I wasn't entirely sure I was doing the right thing as I was ending it and was having doubts myself while I was speaking to her in the moment.  Nevertheless, I went through with it and a few weeks later I ended up going out with Woman B a few times.  After a few dates it was clear we weren't compatible long term so we put an end to it fairly quickly with no hard feelings, it has been about a year since things ended with Woman B.  

I haven't dated anyone else since Woman B and have spent the majority of 2025 missing/thinking about Woman A. Wondering if I made a mistake, that I let my anxiety get the better of me and stupidly allowed my head to be turned by Woman B too.  I started thinking about Woman A more often around spring and it has only intensified as the year has progressed, particularly in the last couple months it has felt very intense.  In hindsight it was very easy with her and we got along great due to having been friends for a long time before dating.  We had so much in common and she was genuinely lovely towards me.  I didn't want to reach out at first as I thought I may just be lonely and my feelings may pass/were temporary.  However, lately I've been thinking about her all the time and feel regular panic at the thought that I've lost her.  I have this constant urge to reach out to her and tell her how I feel, I haven't so far because she is now with someone and has been for a number of months, perhaps most of the year.  I feel that reaching out would be inappropriate and unfair towards her and her new partner.  I'm also aware that given the amount of time that has passed and the fact she's with someone new, she's very likely over it and has moved on so perhaps there's nothing to be gained from contacting her and telling her how I feel.

This entire situation and how I feel is entirely my fault, I feel as though I threw away a good, healthy relationship due to issues which seemed a big deal at the time but really weren't in hindsight.  I can't stop beating myself up at the mistake I made.  I told a good friend how I was feeling who knows me and Woman A really well.  It was the first time I had spoken about it and he suggested contacting her just to apologise but I am really unsure.

I just don't know what to do.  Do I just try and ride it out and hope I can move on myself soon? Or do I take the plunge and send her a message telling her I messed up and how sorry I am, even if it is unfair of me and is very unlikely to actually result in anything?

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

However, towards the end my interest was starting to decrease a bit and I felt 'something' was missing, but couldn't put my finger on it. 

You are seeing the relationship through rose-colored glasses.  If the relationship was so great, you wouldn't have felt the way you describe above, and you wouldn't have broken up with her.  That's not something that someone does when they are truly into a relationship.

You definitely should not contact her.  She is dating someone else, and it would be very disrespectful of you to mess with her life yet again, throwing a wrench into her current relationship.  She is moving on and you shouldn't try to pull her back in just because you can't make up your mind.

Let's say you did end up dating her again..... the path that you went down the first time, doubting the relationship, losing interest and breaking up, would almost certainly play out all over again.  Because those were your true feelings.  If you were so compatible with her, you wouldn't have broken up the first time.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If the relationship was so great, you wouldn't have felt the way you describe above, and you wouldn't have broken up with her.

I agree. 

I dont' thimk it was the right relationship for you, OP. Your gut was trying to tell you that and I don' t think it was all down to anxiety about other friends finding out. I think you knew even back then that it wasn't a great match and you were anxious about hurting her.

I would strongly advise you to leave her alone now and not message her. It is very unlikely to go well anyway. 

[Acacia98]

I'm inclined to agree with the others, but I think it's best to first ask what your relationship history was prior to the period you describe.

Have you had any long-term relationship(s)? Why did your previous relationship(s) end?