magwyle Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I am really confused. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and live together. We have a three month old baby. I felt that we had always had a good, strong relationship. Obviously, lately we've had less time together and more stress. The problem is that he has a female friend that is actually the girlfriend of his friend. They would text each other sometimes and he would share many of the messages with me and they were always about her boyfriend or family and seemed innocent. Then, recently I read a message without him knowing and in it she said she was going to lay down and he asked if he could lay with her then said something about them sleeping together. He sent this message on his way home and so he didn't go see her just then. She lives two hours away in his hometown and he goes there often during the day but always comes back home at night. He claims that it was just a joke and meant nothing, there's no way he would cheat on me. I am having a really hard time accepting that. He just told me that he never told her that we had a baby he says its because she's not really a friend and doesn't tell her personal stuff which sounds like crap. Now I've told him that he needs to tell her about the baby and end his friendship with her but he has put it off. He's still getting messages from her though he claims he ignores her. He tells me I can check his phone every night if I want but can't he just erase the messages and I'll never know. I'm wondering what I should do and if I can trust him. I don't understand because I know I could never say those things to someone without something behind it. I certainly wouldn't write that to anybody else so I don't understand how someone can joke that way without it meaning anything or without even thinking about us.
sylviaguardian Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Sorry to hear you're in this situation. If your boyfriend is hiding the fact that he has a baby, this is not good. How can he say that they are not 'close friends' if they are texting all the time? Does her boyfriend know they text one another? Your boyfriend CAN just delete texts. It would be more useful to set up itemised billing for his phone. Do you have internet access at home? If he leaves the phone with you, you can set it up without telling him. You need the phone because they will text a password which you can also delete. This way, you can check whether he is being truthful or not. The other option might be to phone this woman yourself and explain to her that you are in a serious relationship and have a child together. Tell her you have seen the texts she sends and are uncomfortable with them. Ask her to back out. I would hazard a guess that she has no idea how serious your relationship is. As a last resort, you could always speak to her boyfriend. Sylvia
witabix Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 This is indeed a difficult and worrying situation for you. Do you know this girl? Do you know her bf? Has your bf ever dated or shown interest in her? You have to look at it as a whole. Consider what he does as well at what he says. Don't jump to a conclusion. You are right to be concerned though. It is entirely possible that the text you speak of was simply nothing. It is possible that he made a mistake there. Admittedly it was stupid and thoroughly inappropriate. You were right to bring it up, you were right to put your foot down. If he refuses to recognise it was a stupid thing to text to another girl, and if he refuses to allay your fears, you are justified in taking the next action. Either to contact her and ask her what is occuring, or whatever you feel comfortable doing. Keep a level head. I lost it over something similar, platonic male friend of gf, and it now appears I was wrong to lose trust. Good luck, and keep us informed of what happens if you need to.
EMJ Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 If she's sending him personal thoughts and details and he isn't even telling her about a major life event like having a newborn baby- this spells big trouble for your relationship. Platonic friends do not say they want to sleep with each other. They don't even go there. Somebody wants more out this and doesn't look like he's fighting it much. If he's saying he didn't tell her about the baby becasue she's not really a friend, then what is she? If she's not even a friend, why does she have his cell # and is sends texts to him? This does not sound right at all. I really don't understand why a lot of women these days are having kids with guys who haven't made any real commitment to them in the form of marriage. I am trying to understand it really. It's not a critcism, I am truly confused. This puts you and your baby in a very fragile position. Two years, one of them with you pregnant, is not a long time to be with anyone. It's an exteremely vulnerable position to be in for you and your baby. You need a lot of support with a new baby emotionally and financially. Did he make the commitment to both of you? Did you BOTH plan this child? Or was a surprise he's learned to deal with? How does his family see it? How does yours? I know there are a lot of messed up marriages out there, but it is the one situation where you know his intent is to stick around whether or not it works out later. It is a much stronger base of support for your baby to start out life in. I lived this life, but I got married young, had a baby and later things didn't work out, but my child always knew she was very much loved and wanted. I worry for you. You are in a very difficult situation. You cannot control anyone else. If he does not want to be honest and faithful there's not much you can do about it. Checking his cell phone and monitoring him is likely to drive him further away or underground. It won't stop the communication. It may make you kind of crazy. If you don't have trust and commitment it's not likely to work out anyway. I'm really sorry for you. I don't know what else to say. Having a baby changes everything and of course it's more stressful, it's one of the most stressful experience in life, it's a complete life change. If he didn't plan this baby he may feel stuck and this other woman may be part of his escape from reality. I wish you well. Other people may say don't worry, but this is your life, you need to take it seriously. Trust your gut. Best Wishes for you and your baby and Good Luck.
jmargel Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Personally I've been married only for 1 1/2 yrs. My wife's best friend (heather) since about this past summer has been calling my cell & texting me alot. My wife knows and I tell her. She doesn't have a problem with it. My wife said she knows her well enough & trusts me. Her conversations have alot to do with her now ex-bf and the problems she was going through. Not once have I nor her suggested sleeping together. There was only one time that she asked me to go out with her for a drink since she needed someone to talk to and even then I politely refused. After mentioning it to my wife she said she would be ok with it, but personally I wouldn't want my wife going off with a male friend of mine to a bar, so I haven't with her. Heather is extremely beautiful and has a personality like mine, however I wouldn't even tempt to take it to the next step because I love my wife. If my wife ever were to ask to stop talking with heather because it made her uncomfortable I would. Your bf is not putting you #1 on his list. Disrespect is often the first sign of something majorily wrong in a relationship. Give him the ultamatium and stick to it. Also go with your gut instincts, they never lie. If you feel something is up then good chance it is.
witabix Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 .............If you feel something is up then good chance it is. jmargel, totally respect your views. The post in your tag line is right on the mark. I just want to clarify something here. A good chance that it is, is not definate. There is also a chance that the OP may be chasing phantasms. We can all imagine or create monsters in our mind, misread stuff, it is possible that he is not cheating, it is possible that he is just dumb. Granted his behaviour re the texts is way off the mark., and granted he may be cheating or engaged in the prelude to cheating. The OP needs to actually find out if what her gut is telling is true. Not assume that it is.
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