Any advice for a depressed, socially anxious 20 year old man looking to start dating but feeling hopeless?

[JWC815]

20M, suffer from social anxiety and depression (not diagnosed but likely), virgin, never had a girlfriend, no friends, never approached a girl before. I've definitely been exposed to a lot of redpill and blackpill content and while it's definitely distorted my perception, I'm just an incel insofar as I'm celibate and wish I wasn't. No ideology attached. I live in a small, rural Indiana town with a 4k population, though college towns and Indianapolis are less than 2 hours away for me. I weighed 350+ lbs last year but started working out and now weigh around 230 lbs. I am 6'1. I've dealt with lots of issues with my self-image but objectively I'm average to potentially slightly above average looking. Recently was catcalled "Hey handsome!" while delivering a Doordash order late at night. Got approached by a goth chick at a underground extreme metal concert and completely froze up, she was visibly uncomfortable after noticing that.

 

Throughout my life I've always been a loner. Never made any friends, didn't have any siblings growing up. Had a rough upbringing, my dad abused my mom and she kicked him out when I was a baby. He died a few years ago, never had the chance to meet him. Never had any father figure in my life. My mom OD'd on fentanyl and barely survived when I was 14, lived with my aunt ever since. Never severely bullied but definitely teased constantly in school. Rather it be my weight or an awkward joke that didn't land. I've always been far too sensitive. When the pandemic started I stayed at home and did online classes until I graduated. I've been isolated from the outside world pretty much since then. Any social network from high-school most people develop has been non-existent for me. Not like I can afford college, I'd be lucky to get into trade school. 

 

Currently, I'm in the darkest place I've ever been. Very rarely do I have an interaction with someone where I feel like I didn't completely f*** it up. Everyday feels exactly the same, there doesn't seem to be an end to the cycle in sight. Dating doesn't feel possible to me. My worst fear is that 2, 5, 10, 20 years from now nothing about me or my circumstances will change and I'll still alone. It feels inevitable. [ ] I probably should seek therapy but it feels pointless. All I'm wanting is a normal, fulfilling life that isn't spent alone. I don't think I'll ever have that.

Edited 8 hours ago by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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