Any advice for a depressed, socially anxious 20 year old man looking to start dating but feeling hopeless?

[JWC815]

20M, suffer from social anxiety and depression (not diagnosed but likely), virgin, never had a girlfriend, no friends, never approached a girl before. I've definitely been exposed to a lot of redpill and blackpill content and while it's definitely distorted my perception, I'm just an incel insofar as I'm celibate and wish I wasn't. No ideology attached. I live in a small, rural Indiana town with a 4k population, though college towns and Indianapolis are less than 2 hours away for me. I weighed 350+ lbs last year but started working out and now weigh around 230 lbs. I am 6'1. I've dealt with lots of issues with my self-image but objectively I'm average to potentially slightly above average looking. Recently was catcalled "Hey handsome!" while delivering a Doordash order late at night. Got approached by a goth chick at a underground extreme metal concert and completely froze up, she was visibly uncomfortable after noticing that.

 

Throughout my life I've always been a loner. Never made any friends, didn't have any siblings growing up. Had a rough upbringing, my dad abused my mom and she kicked him out when I was a baby. He died a few years ago, never had the chance to meet him. Never had any father figure in my life. My mom OD'd on fentanyl and barely survived when I was 14, lived with my aunt ever since. Never severely bullied but definitely teased constantly in school. Rather it be my weight or an awkward joke that didn't land. I've always been far too sensitive. When the pandemic started I stayed at home and did online classes until I graduated. I've been isolated from the outside world pretty much since then. Any social network from high-school most people develop has been non-existent for me. Not like I can afford college, I'd be lucky to get into trade school. 

 

Currently, I'm in the darkest place I've ever been. Very rarely do I have an interaction with someone where I feel like I didn't completely f*** it up. Everyday feels exactly the same, there doesn't seem to be an end to the cycle in sight. Dating doesn't feel possible to me. My worst fear is that 2, 5, 10, 20 years from now nothing about me or my circumstances will change and I'll still alone. It feels inevitable. [ ] I probably should seek therapy but it feels pointless. All I'm wanting is a normal, fulfilling life that isn't spent alone. I don't think I'll ever have that.

Edited December 17, 2025 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[introverted1]

12 hours ago, JWC815 said:

I probably should seek therapy but it feels pointless.

It's not pointless but do it even if it feels that way.  That's the depression talking. 

12 hours ago, JWC815 said:

I'd be lucky to get into trade school. 

This is a good option.  Look into it. 

[FredEire]

I think you are on the right path man, whether it feels like it or not.

You got dealt a rough hand in life and you are dealing with it as best you can, the workout stuff sounds great and you should definitely keep going with it.

I lost my virginity at 21 and have plenty of experience with women, whether it feels like it or not you are a really young guy and you have time on your side. I wish I could give the same advice to my younger self but it really is pointless about worrying what life will be like in your 30s, 40s and beyond when youve still got your entire 20s ahead of you.

It might be a good idea to look for a path out of your small home town, see what the world has to offer, get qualified and get into some kind of profession you enjoy and gain experience. Be patient with yourself, and I know you want to get out there and meet some girls but make the focus improving yourself and your life first and that will come, theres no need to lose hope, it might not feel like it but you are doing fine.

Edited December 19, 2025 by FredEire

[smackie9]

Your day will come. I knew plenty of young men that had struggled with this. They are all married now, one of them I'm close to is with children and backpacking all over the world. Some had lots of dating, some met the one almost at one go. If you want it bad enough you will find it. First step is to stop the self loathing. Confidence needs to be put into your step, then it all will fall into place. 

[Els]

Oh dear lord. I don't know what blackpill is, but I suspect I don't really want to know. 

There's nothing at all wrong with going to trade school, in the current economy some trades are way more marketable than some degrees. 

You're really young and living in a small town is obviously going to limit your options and hold you back. If you go to trade school in a bigger city, you'll probably meet young women naturally.

[FredEire]

33 minutes ago, Els said:

Oh dear lord. I don't know what blackpill is, but I suspect I don't really want to know. 

There's nothing at all wrong with going to trade school, in the current economy some trades are way more marketable than some degrees. 

You're really young and living in a small town is obviously going to limit your options and hold you back. If you go to trade school in a bigger city, you'll probably meet young women naturally.

Blackpill is basically a philosophy that you're screwed, in dating, jobs, etc etc.

There's no doubt life isnt as easy for the young as it was in the 80s and 90s, but laying down and dying isnt a great option.

I wish I knew how much time I really had when I was 20, I remember I already thought I was "getting old". Take it from a guy whos in his 30s, I dont think of myself as particularly old any more but you are really really young.

Thats something to enjoy and use to your advantage. You have huge amounts of energy and potential ahead of you. Its not worth giving a damn about what you haven't achieved yet because youre basically still a baby in the course of life.

[Els]

9 hours ago, FredEire said:

I wish I knew how much time I really had when I was 20, I remember I already thought I was "getting old".

Same here. I thought my life would basically be over once I graduated from college, lol! 

I also didn't really appreciate all the good things that youth brings. There are some crappy things about being young, of course -- but you also have so much energy, you barely have to think about your health, you have your entire life ahead of you to shape as you wish, and you'll have so many opportunities.