An ex who I've reconnected with for 6 months might be stalking the local coffee shop manager. What do I do?

[gwen7sons]

Hello everyone.   I'm hoping someone here might have insight or clarity to offer in this bizarre, possibly dangerous(?), or perhaps demented (?) situation I've stumbled upon.

I reconnected with an ex (we are both in our 50s) who is a widower.  We've been dating for 6 months and going to couples counselling (Gottman Method) to repair his betrayal of me in the past.

He has had two failed live-in relationships since I went no-contact after said betrayal - for 3 years- till this reconnection 6 months ago.  He has been passionately participating in therapy, with what seems to be a significant interest in a permanent, healthy repair.

However, 2 weeks ago, I stopped by his home to care for his animals when he had a health crisis and was in the hospital undergoing surgery.  I stumbled upon something in his bathroom that has shaken my world, and I don't know what to do.  In his emergency, he had left personal things out for anyone to see.  The personal items were dozens of candid photos (not explicit - they were all probably her Facebook images he had printed out on glossy photo paper) of a 22-year-old woman who manages the local coffee shop in his rural area.  With the photographs was a plastic iced coffee cup, and its transparent walls were lined with pictures of this young woman. Pictures he had obviously taken of her (with her not knowing) while at the drive-through and printed out to decorate the coffee cup - or create some symbol or totem???.

I don't know what to do. Do I inform the police that my bf is possibly a stalker? I can't say if she is unaware or aware of his obsession/desires.  Do I assume he has a mutual relationship with this young woman and return to no contact with him? That does not seem plausible at all.

I went to visit him 2 days ago and let him know what I had found accidentally ( I waited for him to recover from the surgery), and his reaction was one of severe rage. He accused me of snooping and violating his privacy, and that I had no right to any knowledge of his personal things, and that, however he chooses to relieve himself sexually, is not my business (his language was more colorful).  He refused to explain it all, saying I was too judgmental and prone to using personal info to chastise and shame him...Therefore, I was not privileged to know things a devoted, trusting gf would rightfully need explained. He also told me that he COULD explain it all in a few quick moments, but that he would not explain it to me personally. He does not think this incident should impact our relationship in any way, and he believes I'm sabotaging our progress if I don't let this go and continue with our ongoing therapy process to be together for a lifetime?!  His severe rage scared me, so I did not continue the discussion, and I've not seen him or spoken to him since. I'm deliberating and digesting what has happened. 

Am I correct that this is showing me that not only has his "interest" in relationship repair been all a bizarre lie, but he is also a dangerous stalker and possibly a sociopath?  

I don't know why my head is so jumbled.  I wish to be clear-eyed before I decide what to do - if the proper and moral thing is to do something?

 

[stillafool]

He's definitely got a huge crush on the 22 year old  and has been relieving himself looking at her pictures.  She probably is aware of his crush on her as well as other guys who patronize the restaurant.  I'm sure it's clear to her how much they like her by the amount of her tips.  Of course, he doesn't think his actions should impact your relationship with him, because the 22 year old isn't looking after his home while he's in the hospital or sitting by his bedside.

[flitzanu]

sounds like you got the information you needed on whether you should break up or not. those reactions and behaviors are not what makes a healthy relationship.

[MsJayne]

Creeeepy . The photo collection is weird, but his enraged reaction is even weirder. A normal person would be embarrassed and definitely wouldn't expect you to want to continue a relationship with them. Because, why would you want an intimate relationship with a pervert who takes photos of some girl in a cafe and then jerks off over them? Apart from the fact that his creepy behaviour is an insult to his partner, (you), taking secret photos of someone is crossing a line, and taking secret photo's for sexual purposes is worryingly close to what many serial killers do when they choose a victim. You need to rid yourself of this sticky-fingered weirdo, and I'd let the girl in the cafe know and let her be the one to involve the law if she wants him dealt with. 

Edited December 24, 2025 by MsJayne

[Sanch62]

Foremost, I'd leave the dude without a word. You don't owe him any explanations.

You can discuss this 'in general' with the police and ask them whether they're interested in the details or not. Let them decide if warning the woman is warranted. This takes the issue off your plate and allows professionals to handle it.