At What Point Does Supporting a Partner Become Unhealthy

[Nour]

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year. When we met, he had just graduated and was going through a difficult phase in his life. He comes from a financially unstable background: an absent father who provides no support, and a single mother with a very limited and inconsistent income. I’m sharing this only to give context, not to judge.

From early on, I noticed a pattern of financial and emotional dependence. He had no stable income, relied on friends to get by, was often in debt, and over time started leaning on me as well. I raised this concern many times, encouraging him to look for work and to build independence. Each time, there would be brief efforts or intentions, but they never lasted. After almost a year, the situation hasn’t meaningfully changed.

In parallel, I became deeply involved in supporting his family, especially his mother. I helped financially, cooked, cleaned, assisted with her work, and was present almost daily. I did this out of care and love, not obligation. Over time, however, I started feeling that my help was expected rather than appreciated, and that boundaries were being crossed. When I tried to pull back, I felt guilty and emotionally pulled back in.

Emotionally, my boyfriend is affectionate and expressive. He shows love and care, and this is what has kept me invested. At the same time, he struggles with depression, anxiety, and a strong sense of being “stuck.” During the relationship, and especially around our breakup, he placed much of the responsibility for his emotional pain on me. While I acknowledge my flaws, I don’t believe I’m responsible for his mental health or life circumstances.

We did break up at one point because he felt he wasn’t able to provide emotionally or financially and said he wasn’t in the right place for a relationship. That period of distance made me reflect deeply. When we reconnected, he came back with a lot of affection and reassurance, but I also realized that the core issues , lack of direction, financial instability, avoidance of responsibility  were still there.

What I’m struggling with now is this tension: I love him, and his emotions feel genuine, but love hasn’t translated into consistent action or long-term change. I’m afraid of staying in a dynamic where I’m emotionally supportive, financially helpful, and mentally strong for both of us, while he remains comfortable in his stagnation.

I’m trying to learn how to keep my warmth without sacrificing my standards, how to support without carrying, and how to love without losing myself. Part of me wants to wait and see who he becomes if he ever gains stability and independence. Another part of me wonders if waiting itself is already a choice that comes at my expense.

I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who’ve been in similar situations: how do you know when patience turns into self-abandonment? And how do you decide whether to stay, step back, or walk away when love exists but growth doesn’t seem to follow?

[ExpatInItaly]

At this point, you have become his enabler. 

I don't doubt he has some qualities you are attracted to, but this is way too much enmeshment  - especially when you have only been together for a year. He has not shown you he is capable or willing to be an adult, and he lets you cater to him and parent him. This is not loving of him. It is him taking full advantage of you. 

It is one thing to be there for someone who is going through hard times. It is another to facilitate their stagnation when the person doesn't take the necessary steps to make progress. I personally would be able to respect him at this point, and as such, I would not be able to continue the relationship. I would not sign up to wait around and see if he ever changes. 

[ShyViolet]

You should never have started giving him or his family money.  That is a complete lack of boundaries and allowing them to take advantage of you.  That is not how a healthy relationship works. You need to find your self-respect and stop letting people take advantage of you like this.  You use a lot of euphemisms but it sounds like he doesn't work.  I don't doubt that this guy is emotionally giving and loving, but if that's all he has to offer then that's not enough.  It's really concerning that you have such a lack of boundaries... you never should have let yourself become him and his family's source of financial support.  Especially not at just a year of dating.  You need to end this relationship and develop way better boundaries for the future.

[Sanch62]

A healthy person would not have entered this relationship in the first place.

The point of dating is to learn whether a potential match is good relationship material. This guy was not.

That's not going to change. He will agree to change, but he will always have excuses, and he will always be dependent on you for as long as you stay with him.

Nobody enjoys breakups, but millions of people do it every day. You don't need a good enough reason. You can simply say the relationship isn't working for you and wish him the best. Move forward to find a better match. Work with a therapist if you have trouble with this.

[smackie9]

Every post has been spot on.....I ditto that you are being the enabler. this is your wake up call....they are like gypsies....these people pray upon the innocent, and compassion of others. You are naive to their workings on how they have been surviving. They don't want to work a day in their life. This is a generational issue that will never change.  You cannot fix this. Yes the depression/anxiety is a contributor for sure...but the way they cope is by bamboozling the good will of others. He's manipulating you with being all sweet and caring...he knows this keeps you around. You are in a terrible situation...you need to walk away. So for the love of god cut them off and disappear. All you are to them is a meal ticket. you are being taken advantage of! Get the F out of there. 

 

[Els]

I empathize with his mental health problems, but this relationship is very one sided, and you being responsible for the care of the mother of your boyfriend of 1 year is completely insane. Where are your boundaries? Any one of the three of you could and should have said no to this, but somehow you are all enabling each other. 

Please leave, and please also take a long hard look at why and how you ended up in this situation. Are you the sort of person who feels like they need to be "needed"? There's nothing wrong with helping people, but you need to figure out where to set your boundaries and how to assert them. Otherwise this will just keep happening over and over again. For every one overly-helpful person, there are ten waiting to take advantage of them.