Is it normal to panic because you can't find joy in anything after a breakup

[whathappenstomenow]

I noticed that because I'm in such yearning and craving for my ex I panic because nothing gives me even the tiniest amount of relief or joy. And I start spiraling about what I'll do with myself to block out the pain. I can't watch movies I can't look at social media I can't workout everything feels painful and reminds me of her 

It feels like I'm in drug withdrawal. Imagining making it through the night seems impossible 

It feels like I'm someone who has the world at their fingertips but is 5 minutes away from dying of dehydration. I can't get a drink. Nothing matters if I can't take a drink.

 

Is this normal ? I know everyone has break up pains but is it normal for it to be so excruciating that you're walking in circles barely making it through the day not knowing what to do with yourself ?

I walked around a 2 mile track 3 times then came back and did 2 more then came back and did 3 more

 

I just pace and walk and don't know what to do or what to do with myself so I pace and walk more and the whole time I'm doing that I can't imagine how I will go on like this and then I walk more.

 

I'm sleeping 2 hours a night.

 

I am in absolute hell and the only one who can rescue me doesn't care anymore

 

I want to take some meds or sleeping pills or something just for some relief but I already feel like I'm barely clinging onto my sanity so I don't want to take anything that will numb my wits. She also told me she gave zero f***s any more and this relationship isn't serving her anymore and was pretty brutal about it so I don't want to risk being in an impaired state not in my senses and then saying something to her about taking me back 

[Gebidozo]

Feeling really bad after a breakup is normal. I’ve had breakups where I felt close to what you’re describing.

You’re making, however, this grave error:

 

1 hour ago, whathappenstomenow said:

the only one who can rescue me doesn't care anymore

You must understand that she can’t rescue you. No human can rescue you but yourself.

I know it hurts badly, but you must pull yourself together and start rebuilding your life.

Don’t allow yourself to stay alone with your negative thoughts, Force yourself to fill your daily life with activities. Work, friends, hobbies, entertainment, travels - everything. I know you don’t feel like doing any of those, but you have to.

When I had a very difficult breakup 20 years ago (my first divorce), I did full schedules for all my days. Literally wrote down what to do at what time. And then I forced myself to follow the schedule, even though I felt like what I really wanted to do was lie down and not care for anything anymore.

From my experience, few things heal you better than doing something. My latest breakup 3 years ago was very painful, but what helped a lot was the fact that I forced myself to keep writing my book. 

Some people also recommend going somewhere, get rid of visual reminders.

In short, always be busy, be in constant motion. And keep trying to find solace in things that no one can take away from you: your spiritual and intellectual life, things you like doing, things that usually make you feel better.

Remember, you can’t control people, but you can control yourself.

Edited 17 hours ago by Gebidozo

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I am in absolute hell and the only one who can rescue me doesn't care anymore

Step one is stop thinking of her as the person who can "rescue you."  You aren't dependent on her to live.  You were a separate person before the relationship and now that it's over you have to go back to finding yourself.

Did you have a history of mental health problems before the relationship?

[whathappenstomenow]

30 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Step one is stop thinking of her as the person who can "rescue you."  You aren't dependent on her to live.  You were a separate person before the relationship and now that it's over you have to go back to finding yourself.

Did you have a history of mental health problems before the relationship?

Yeah I'm a mess of anxiety , depression, attachment issues, and probably some personality disorders 

I'm in therapy, have been in therapy. It doesn't seem to help much. Have tried different meds.

 

I got out of a 4 year relationship completely heart broken with someone and met this girl 4 months later and spent 1.5 years with her. 

 

When I was younger I dated a bit but ever since I turned about 25 I was in one "relationship" after another. (now 35). Most only lasted a month , maybe 2

I feel like a shell of a person and there isn't any point to living in my eyes if I can't have a partner and family. 

 

It's unhealthy and it's sick but I simply don't enjoy things. I like going to movies with my partner, conversations with them, going on trips with them

 

I don't like to do anything by myself. Have some sort of anhedonia or something 

 

 

My heart is crushed and I feel like I can barely breathe but I got on a dating site to try to meet someone. Literally days after my relationship ended. It makes me feel pathetic .

 

It's like I NEED love. It's the only thing I care about in the world.

My now ex.. it was like I could just consume her. Eat her alive. Even after 1.5 years I was in a sort of awe of her . It's like my dopamine receptors would fire for her and only her. Nothing else satisfied me. I'd workout , but that's about it. Nearly all my free time other than work was with her. 

 

 

The irony is that it's caring about it so much that usually leads to the end of my relationship. 

 

Something is broken in me. I don't find any meaning or purpose in life beyond an intimate partner.

 

I have no friends or ability to connect with people other than a single intimate partner. Monogamous. That's the only person I can feel for . I don't feel for family or other people. Its like they're robots 

A couple psychologists have said I have autism or likely do, and I believe it

 

 

There is something terribly off about how I connect to people 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

The irony is that it's caring about it so much that usually leads to the end of my relationship. 

There is no irony here. Can you imagine how suffocating this would feel to your partner? Such deep dependence on another person and such lack of self value and life interests are guaranteed to cause each and every partner you’ll ever have to leave.

It is completely normal that you want to have a romantic partner. Most people do. What’s not normal is your obsessive, all-consuming attitude to it. It is a serious addiction, no different from addiction to drugs or alcoholism.

If you really want to have a chance at being happy in your romantic life, the first thing to do is get off dating sites, stop thinking about dating and relationships, endure and embrace being single. It’s just like the first advice to any addict is to remove the object of temptation. It will be very hard in the beginning, but eventually you’ll start feeling better.

You also need to find a better therapist. You seem to be aware of the huge problem that you have, so anything we’d say here would probably not help much. But you must have the basic will to eliminate your problem at all costs. Saying that you can’t live without a romantic relationship is the same as a drug addict saying they can’t live without drugs.

I’ve been similar to you throughout most of my life, perhaps not as extreme but still very much in the same direction. Trust me when I say that you should do everything in your power to handle the problem as soon as possible.

 

Edited 12 hours ago by Gebidozo

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There is no irony here. Can you imagine how suffocating this would feel to your partner? Such deep dependence on another person and such lack of self value and life interests are guaranteed to cause each and every partner you’ll ever have to leave.

It is completely normal that you want to have a romantic partner. Most people do. What’s not normal is your obsessive, all-consuming attitude to it. It is a serious addiction, no different from addiction to drugs or alcoholism.

If you really want to have a chance at being happy in your romantic life, the first thing to do is get off dating sites, stop thinking about dating and relationships, endure and embrace being single. It’s just like the first advice to any addict is to remove the object of temptation. It will be very hard in the beginning, but eventually you’ll start feeling better.

You also need to find a better therapist. You seem to be aware of the huge problem that you have, so anything we’d say here would probably not help much. But you must have the basic will to eliminate your problem at all costs. Saying that you can’t live without a romantic relationship is the same as a drug addict saying they can’t live without drugs.

I’ve been similar to you throughout most of my life, perhaps not as extreme but still very much in the same direction. Trust me when I say that you should do everything in your power to handle the problem as soon as possible.

 

I second this post.

[whathappenstomenow]

5 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

There is no irony here. Can you imagine how suffocating this would feel to your partner? Such deep dependence on another person and such lack of self value and life interests are guaranteed to cause each and every partner you’ll ever have to leave.

It is completely normal that you want to have a romantic partner. Most people do. What’s not normal is your obsessive, all-consuming attitude to it. It is a serious addiction, no different from addiction to drugs or alcoholism.

If you really want to have a chance at being happy in your romantic life, the first thing to do is get off dating sites, stop thinking about dating and relationships, endure and embrace being single. It’s just like the first advice to any addict is to remove the object of temptation. It will be very hard in the beginning, but eventually you’ll start feeling better.

You also need to find a better therapist. You seem to be aware of the huge problem that you have, so anything we’d say here would probably not help much. But you must have the basic will to eliminate your problem at all costs. Saying that you can’t live without a romantic relationship is the same as a drug addict saying they can’t live without drugs.

I’ve been similar to you throughout most of my life, perhaps not as extreme but still very much in the same direction. Trust me when I say that you should do everything in your power to handle the problem as soon as possible.

 

So basically I use romance as my drug.

And when you tell me that I need to not have a romantic relationship for a while my initial response would be : what's the point of living if I don't have one? What would I even do with myself. Life would lose all purpose. There'd be no reason to live

 

But that's basically the same as someone addicted to heroin being told they can't do it anymore? At first they would think life would be so bad without it that they wouldn't want to give it up or live without it. That they couldn't live without it. That's what drug withdrawal is right? It's so excruciating to detox.. so they keep doing the drug

 

Basically if I spend time alone I will eventually get to a point where other things start having meaning to me? I can start enjoying things on my own ?

I remember when I was younger and didn't have anyone I wasn't in a constant place of needing something or someone . There was always this pressure in my mind of like : what am I supposed to do with myself I don't have a partner ?!?!?! I need to find someone!!!

 

It was just being.. go to work, come home, workout, maybe watch a show or something. But there was no lingering thoughts or compulsion of needing someone

 

 

I think what happened to me is this :

 

I found a love and it was the most incredible feeling I'd ever had. I never wanted anything else in life after that .

When I lost it, I didn't properly heal. I started going from one relationship to another. Even if they weren't long term things (they could have been one or two dates , one time hookup, etc.) and I didn't even really like the girls, I was in a constant state of pursuit and trying to form connections with women.

 

Go on a few dates , if it doesn't work keep looking for girls online, more dates. Talk to one for a month it fizzles out. Immediately contact an old girl (if I had one) while also looking for new ones .

And then I met another love which lasted four years. That ended. I was so devastated but STILL remember being on dating sites almost immediately. I got out of a four year relationship with the mother of my child and within days of her telling me it was over (it might have even been the same day) I was already looking for my next connection. I could barely even stand up or breathe there was so much grief and sadness in my heart and still I was trying to find a new relationship.

 

About four months after that four year relationship ended I met a girl and spent 1.5 years with her. That's the one that just ended.

I have been in a cycle of relationships and the cultivation of relationships or the attempt to do so for almost a decade.

 

 

I think if I stop pursuing relationship and try to find peace with myself I will find peace with myself.

 

The part that worries me is that I feel like I have a fairly good grasp on myself and how I handle things generally, and like a drug addict I think that even if I spent say a year and a half alone without talking to anyone or trying to talk to anyone, as soon as I met someone I'd fall right back into the old addiction pattern. Because as I recall, when I was single and not looking as soon as I met someone I liked I immediately felt powerless and absolutely helpless to do anything else than completely surrender to her.

I think I was basically on heroin and there were times where I'd just use a little and times I'd use a ton but I never got off it completely and let my body learn to regulate on its own

 

I really need some hope right now. Do you think if I take a year or even two off from talking to people romantically that I can heal and find happiness in myself 

Edited 6 hours ago by whathappenstomenow

[Gebidozo]

12 minutes ago, whathappenstomenow said:

But that's basically the same as someone addicted to heroin being told they can't do it anymore? At first they would think life would be so bad without it that they wouldn't want to give it up or live without it. That they couldn't live without it. That's what drug withdrawal is right? It's so excruciating to detox.. so they keep doing the drug

 

Basically if I spend time alone I will eventually get to a point where other things start having meaning to me? I can start enjoying things on my own ?

Precisely!

It’s great that you understand this.

 

12 minutes ago, whathappenstomenow said:

I really need some hope right now. Do you think if I take a year or even two off from talking to people romantically that I can heal and find happiness in myself 

Of course, if you keep actively cultivating and trying to enjoy all the varied aspects of your life.

I can tell you from experience, whenever you are with someone simply because you want to be with someone, because you believe that being together with anyone is better than being alone, your relationship doesn’t stand a chance.

So the first thing to do is to make sure that you’re fine being single, so that your next relationship will be with someone whom you really like rather than need.

 

Edited 6 hours ago by Gebidozo

[whathappenstomenow]

26 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Precisely!

It’s great that you understand this.

 

Of course, if you keep actively cultivating and trying to enjoy all the varied aspects of your life.

I can tell you from experience, whenever you are with someone simply because you want to be with someone, because you believe that being together with anyone is better than being alone, your relationship doesn’t stand a chance.

So the first thing to do is to make sure that you’re fine being single, so that your next relationship will be with someone whom you really like rather than need.

 

So it's kind of a paradox..I am addicted to having someone and I feel desperately that I need someone in order to be happy or have a purpose in life. If I take a long time to heal and find some happiness/contentment in myself I won't need anyone and that's exactly when I'll be able to have someone in a healthy way.

 

Do you think there is anything to be said for what I said about I think I'm screwed because I feel like even if I take time off from intimacy and heal when I go back to dating I will fall right back into the same patterns where it consumes me and takes over ?

That's what worries me. People who get off heroin have to stay off heroin. If they start using it again it will lead to disaster.

If I get "clean" and then start dating again I will fall back into the same issues

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

Yeah I'm a mess of anxiety , depression, attachment issues, and probably some personality disorders 

I'm in therapy, have been in therapy. It doesn't seem to help much. Have tried different meds.

Yeah, this is definitely not just an issue of a breakup.  You have some very deep mental health issues that make it so you will not be able to have a healthy relationship until you get yourself properly diagnosed and stable.  I know therapists can be hit or miss.  Are you under the care of an actual psychiatrist?  That's what you need, not just a therapist.  Although you should definitely be seeing a therapist too.

[whathappenstomenow]

44 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Yeah, this is definitely not just an issue of a breakup.  You have some very deep mental health issues that make it so you will not be able to have a healthy relationship until you get yourself properly diagnosed and stable.  I know therapists can be hit or miss.  Are you under the care of an actual psychiatrist?  That's what you need, not just a therapist.  Although you should definitely be seeing a therapist too.

I will talk to my therapist about options when I go next week.

 

I think I am starting to see why my relationships fail.

 

I put too much into these women. I need their love so badly that every single little issue and thing they do that could be seen as them not caring about me immediately sets off alarms in my nervous system and I become worried, anxious, jealous, sensitive.

And it's like even if I'm not yelling at them or being mean to them for those feelings I have, they can still tell something is off. And it starts putting a weird pressure and tension on the relationship where they feel like they can't breathe under my relentless standards and need to feel loved 

Man this is sad. I am responsible for driving the people I love away.

It's my fault and even if they played their part there is no chance reconciliation and a healthy relationship is or wouldve been possible when I'm so hopelessly dependent on love and their attention and affection that the slightest perceived lack of care or love sets me on a downward spiral emotionally and mentally.

 

There are times even  a YEAR AND A HALF into our relationship where I'd text her and she didn't respond for 2 or 3 hours and I'd be so bitter and resentful about it. It meant she didn't care or love me.

 

But because I knew it was weird and wrong that I was mad she didn't text me for 2 hours I couldn't come out and say Im mad you didn't text me so it would come out in sort of passive aggressive ways where I'd just act distant or off and she'd feel this tension but not know what was up. And I think over time this sort of thing happening with lots of different issues probably made her feel like some sort of convict in a strange prison where she couldn't really see the bars or even tell you exactly why she was in prison but it was real all the same

God I was terrible. What a nightmare I must be to love and be in a relationship with. She was right to leave me 

Edited 4 hours ago by whathappenstomenow

[mario_C]

I understand how being heartbroken can lead to a downfall in your life and interests. I've talked about this here.

What else in your life is interesting? How's your job? What interests or hobbies do you pursue? This would be a good time to go all in on those things. Do more on that track - try jogging for 3 laps, then 5, then go on until you have to sit down. Read books, learn things...make a ritual out of it. Because I know you don't want to do these things now, but you have to distract yourself. You have to fill that hole in your life that she left with something, and it might as well be these things.

I don't know if CBD is legal where you live, but you should try it. It saved my life once.

[whathappenstomenow]

12 minutes ago, mario_C said:

I understand how being heartbroken can lead to a downfall in your life and interests. I've talked about this here.

What else in your life is interesting? How's your job? What interests or hobbies do you pursue? This would be a good time to go all in on those things. Do more on that track - try jogging for 3 laps, then 5, then go on until you have to sit down. Read books, learn things...make a ritual out of it. Because I know you don't want to do these things now, but you have to distract yourself. You have to fill that hole in your life that she left with something, and it might as well be these things.

I don't know if CBD is legal where you live, but you should try it. It saved my life once.

Funny you say that . I have CBD. I didn't want to take it because I didn't want to drown my emotions and just have worse ones later . I also started taking it during our relationship to help with sleep occasionally and I didn't want to do anything that reminded me of her. I also don't want to impair my mental state and do something foolish like message her 

 

 

The thing is, most of the stuff I like to do is stuff I like to do with my partner .. traveling even little day trips, going to zoos, going to the casino, going on walks in the park, trying new restaurants, watching documentaries and tv shows, going to the mall

I can do that stuff alone but it's much more enjoyable with another person 

 

I cope now with walking.I usually just walk and walk. Go to the mall and walk around. Go to the grocery store and walk . Go home for a few minutes and realize I can't bear it and then go back to the mall and walk. Go over to my moms house and talk to her a bit while I pace. 

My life right now is literally just trying to make it through the next 10 minutes at a time, I feel like if I stop moving I'll suffocate on the weight of my pain. It's the most crippling thing I've ever experience. It feels like my heart is constantly wailing and crying and I'm going to drown on my own tears from the inside 

 

I don't even feel like an I . I feel like I used to be something and when she left she took it all with her and now my body and mind are broken and I can't talk I can't swallow I can't catch a breath and I can't sleep I can't think , everything I am or was is now broken and I am just a pair of eyes looking down over the pulverized and broken pieces of bone and remains that used to be me. I am nothing anymore, there's nothing in me but regret and agony. I miss her so badly. I always feel sick and like I'll throw up. It feels like my soul and body are dead but my heart didn't stop beating. It feels like I'm buried alive under the pile of my failure and loss and her absence and everything I should've and could've done differently. It's all crushing me and I have to scratch and claw every minute just to get the most insignificant amount of space so that my lungs can grab a tiny amount of air. Just enough to give me enough energy to fight for another small breath

I don't want to go on

Edited 3 hours ago by whathappenstomenow

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, whathappenstomenow said:

Do you think there is anything to be said for what I said about I think I'm screwed because I feel like even if I take time off from intimacy and heal when I go back to dating I will fall right back into the same patterns where it consumes me and takes over ?

That's what worries me. People who get off heroin have to stay off heroin. If they start using it again it will lead to disaster.

If I get "clean" and then start dating again I will fall back into the same issues

The heroin analogy probably doesn’t work here. Maybe the alcohol analogy is better. It is totally possible for a former alcoholic to enjoy a glass of good wine or any other high quality alcohol in moderation. The problem isn’t the alcohol, it’s the addiction.