Dreams About Ex

[anonymouse1212]

Hey all, 

For the last few months I have been having semi regular dreams about my ex boyfriend from about 5 years ago. For clarity, things ended abruptly from his end when I left for school so at the time I received little closure. We are also both currently in seemingly healthy relationships and these dreams are not inherently romantic or sexual. The dreams usually entail us reconnecting or having an established friendship, talking things out, and having mature conversations about the past and our current lives. I've started to become attached to the ideas in these dreams and honestly often wake up sad from them. I feel like I need to get this off my chest, but 1. there is no possible way I can get this clarity from him in real life as I don't want to be weird and we haven't spoken since the break up— I even messaged him months later just to check in and got no response, so I don't think I can be the one to reach out ever again (and we are both in relationships and I would personally feel weird if my partner messaged their ex no matter the intention) and 2. I would feel very weird and awkward talking about this with my current boyfriend because I would certainly feel weird if I was in his shoes and I don't want him to misinterpret my feelings or become upset. Google tells me I am craving feelings of closure and clarity, but why now and what do I do when there is no way of achieving it? 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, anonymouse1212 said:

For clarity, things ended abruptly from his end when I left for school so at the time I received little closure.

 What closure woudl you have wanted, and how did the break-up actually happen? 

[Herkamer63]

7 hours ago, anonymouse1212 said:

Hey all, 

For the last few months I have been having semi regular dreams about my ex boyfriend from about 5 years ago. For clarity, things ended abruptly from his end when I left for school so at the time I received little closure. We are also both currently in seemingly healthy relationships and these dreams are not inherently romantic or sexual. The dreams usually entail us reconnecting or having an established friendship, talking things out, and having mature conversations about the past and our current lives. I've started to become attached to the ideas in these dreams and honestly often wake up sad from them. I feel like I need to get this off my chest, but 1. there is no possible way I can get this clarity from him in real life as I don't want to be weird and we haven't spoken since the break up— I even messaged him months later just to check in and got no response, so I don't think I can be the one to reach out ever again (and we are both in relationships and I would personally feel weird if my partner messaged their ex no matter the intention) and 2. I would feel very weird and awkward talking about this with my current boyfriend because I would certainly feel weird if I was in his shoes and I don't want him to misinterpret my feelings or become upset. Google tells me I am craving feelings of closure and clarity, but why now and what do I do when there is no way of achieving it? 

You need to move on. If he's not responding to you, it means he's done with having to pursue a relationship, romantically and a friendship. Most guys, when women reject them or when they do call off a relationship, they're done permanently and they move on with their lives. I would hope that years down the road they're, at least, respectful towards them, but, for the most part, to avoid anymore hurtful memories and to not give off the wrong impression, guys just simply stop talking to them altogether. They especially won't talk to you if you're already in another relationship. If you want any sort of clarity, you have to accept that it's been 5 years and your ex no longer has feeling for you because you both decided to call it off for reasons that are your own.

It took me awhile to get over a woman I had feelings for. I thought maybe we were going somewhere and that things were going to be great once I started to take her out, just the 2 of us. It was a friend of mine, and we did a lot of things together in 2 years. With friends, with her family, you name it, and back last year (May 2024), she said she wasn't interested. Broke my heart, and it damaged it further when she got a boyfriend later that year. The dynamic as to why we're still friends to this day isn't because of her but mainly because of her sister and brother in-law, since, over the course of those 2 years, I became friends with them. Even though I'm over her, there's time where I do think about that time and if things were different. Would things have been better if we were together? I can't answer with certainty, but does it really matter? Not really. It's been a year and a half, and around that time, she was having family problems and I was going through financial issues, so if I had to answer, probably not. Yeah, it would have been disappointing because we got along so well, she was very nice, beautiful, and had a lot in common. But some things are never meant to be.

That's what makes moving on difficult, accepting truths. In my case, it may have been that I was never her type, regardless of the events she invited me to and saying that she loved me. In your case, I can't speak for since I don't know the specifics, but even then, I would only assume disagreements and maybe starting to grow apart from each other since your lives would start to become different from one and other. Despite the good things that may have happened between you and your ex, you can't forget as to why the breakup happened in the first place. Although you may still have some feelings for him, understand that your current boyfriend is there and now. If he's been treating you right and you have towards him, then make that a focus point. Eventually, those feelings for your ex will fade. And from what it sounds like, your current boyfriend's a good guy, so that would be another reason to move on from your ex. So whatever it is in your life right now needs to be your focus, not your past.

[ShyViolet]

There's no such thing as "closure".  There's no reason to think that talking to him would make you feel better or resolve this for you anyway.  "Closure" is a gift that you give yourself-- a conscious choice you make-- to leave something in the past and stop dwelling on it.  Someone else can't give you that.  Just because you're having these dreams, that doesn't have to mean that you are hung up on him.  Don't make more out of this than it is.  People dream about all sorts of things that were significant in their lives.  It's ok to think about someone who was important in your past, and it doesn't have to mean anything.  Just let the thoughts pass and don't make more out of it than what they are... simply thoughts.