Dumped 12 hours before move

[risingthemoon]

Hello, I am new here. I am a woman in my mid-twenties and, up until four days ago, was dating a European for just about two years. I will try to make this as short as possible but with all relevant information.

We knew each other through an online friend group of musicians. He pursued me, kept reaching out to me, and eventually I caved and we started talking on the phone and video calling. There was instantly a spark, we spoke very frequently, and it was obvious there was interest. I confessed that I had feelings for him around 2 months into talking, but he made it clear that he wasn't sure where he stood romantically with me and did not want to commit to anything before meeting first. We made plans for him to fly to the states so we could meet and go on a 2-week long road trip together and see if we were a good fit romantically.

That meet ended extremely well, and it was clear that we were an item even after he left. About four months after dating, he said 'I love you' and things felt serious after this. We continued to meet each other, travel the world together, become enmeshed in each other's families and friend groups. Everyone around us was very happy and it was obvious that our close circles thought that this would be it and we would be together for the long-term. 

Not only were we a great couple, we were best friends. We had a couple bad arguments, bickered occasionally, but it was never anything that was relationship ending; we are both very stubborn and tend to squabble, but it always gets resolved quickly and we adapted to our small differences, made compromises, and were generally very understanding of what each other needed. The only thing I was ever wary of was his reluctance to talk about our future together, such as possibly getting engaged, but he never had an issue alluding to having children together. He told me he was "afraid of that stuff" which I understood, and backed off from the one time I asked. This might be relevant. 

As of around a year ago, we made the decision for me to move over to him due to the logistics, such as starting my graduate program there, getting on with many more friends there than I have here in the states, and having a big support group as a whole. My family was happy for me, his family was excited to have me, so much so that they went ahead and bought us a house for us to live in together (they are incredibly wealthy). Both him and I were excited and started the process for me to obtain my visa. 

Two weeks ago, I received my visa, which was my okay to move. By that point I had already started the moving process at my apartment and, now, really started to move. I got rid of everything: my furniture, my bed, my kitchen wares, my car, everything except for clothes and small hobby items that would fit in three suitcases, which my now ex was happy to help with monetarily. I also shipped two large boxes of very expensive collections to the new house, which was very expensive and covered by me happily. I also went through the process to bring my cat over, which is a bit tedious to do, but everything was going very smoothly and I was set to depart on 12/06.

We were excited and talking about what we would do and when, like seeing a movie in theaters, him purchasing a litterbox and other pet supplies, grocery shopping. Despite the talks, I could see that he was not as affectionate as usual, but he said he wasn't sure what I was talking about. I was a bit on edge and stressed from the move, which caused some small bickering from my end, but I was apologetic.

On the night of 12/05, 12 hours before I was set to leave, I received a text that said "[I] should not come to Sweden" and to "call as soon as [I] can". When I called him, he sounded upset and as if he were crying, but wouldn't really say anything. I was incredibly anxious and scared, so I asked if he was breaking up with me, and he said yes. We had a short 20 minute phone call where he told me that our "two significant fights" were deal-breaking and that his friends and family said that he should do this, that he would not reconsider, and that I cannot come. He had apparently been "racking [his] brain" about [if we should breakup] for this past week, and was apparently going to wait until I got to the airport but was convinced not to by his parents. 

To say I was devastated is an understatement. It felt, and still feels, unreal and like a big joke. Not even three hours after, I received an email from a family member that they were voiding the visa and notifying the necessary authorities, and offered me compensation for my travel, which was not a thoughtful amount. 

I texted him and asked him to please talk it out with me, to reconsider. We texted the following day, the day I was supposed to leave, wherein he told me that he was actually breaking up with me because he "was never in love with me" despite loving me and caring for me deeply. he said he was trying to hoodwink himself the entirety of the relationship, hoping it would go away or fix itself, but it didn't. I tried to contest it, but he wouldn't engage with my rebuttal. I also told him that I don't want his money, but the offer and email was cold and thoughtless. He responded that he would see what he could do and that he would make sure to send the stuff I shipped back.

I don't really know what to believe if this is true or if he just got cold feet, but this is probably been the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me. I have been left destitute and without any of my things except for my cat, both of us are now restrained to living in a very tiny room with my large family for the time being, as I am now without funds to move again.

I've not heard anything from his parents, not even reaching out to see how I'm doing, which is incredibly surprising and unlike them. My life is ruined at the moment and I am lost, hopeless, and feeling like I have nothing to live for. I want to say I would take him back in a heartbeat, but I know what he did is too cruel to forgive, and I know he won't want me back anyway.

I need guidance, advice, or thoughts about this. I do not have a large support group here, but I do have my family. I just want my old life back, but I can never have it again. 

[S2B]

Wow, what a douche bag.

at least you know now he isn’t the guy who keeps his word and you can’t depend on him.

im sorry for your pain.

i would block him and never speak to him again. Thats a whole lot of hopes and dreams he shattered.waiting until 12 hours before is just despicable!

[Gebidozo]

I’m sorry this happened.

I know it doesn’t feel like this now, but you’ve dodged a bullet here.

The guy is obviously an immature, confused kid who isn’t fit to be in a real relationship with an adult person.

One thing you can learn from this is that it is always a bad idea to get so enmeshed in the life of a person you’ve only known for a couple of years.

Treating him like family, getting close to his family and letting him into yours was clearly a premature move. The decision to abandon everything and move to another continent to live with a boyfriend of two years was obviously rushed.

A soulmate is someone who has stood the tests of time and hardships. Make sure your future partner passes those tests before you make such huge commitments.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, risingthemoon said:

I received an email from a family member that they were voiding the visa and notifying the necessary authorities

Wait, what? 

How does his family have anything to do with this? As someone who has previousy obtained a visa for a European country (years ago now), it is issused or revoked by goverment authorities. His family would not be able to do this on their own, and certainly not without you going through the necessary steps. This would be handled by the embassy or consulate nearest you where you applied for the visa in the first place. The visa would be in your passport; they can't just call it in and have it "voided." 

How did you obtain this visa to begin with? 

I am asking because something sounds really off here. 

Edited yesterday at 05:49 AM by ExpatInItaly

[risingthemoon]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How did you obtain this visa to begin with?

I didn't really think that this part mattered that much, but I had a work visa where I was an employee for his family which they suggested I do so that I could come before the start of the school year and gain some working / language experience. I was to be paid a normal amount and work a normal amount, the contract was very ironclad.

I suppose now that I re-read it, it seems confusing that I would mention their family would terminate the contract, but this is the reason why. I also see that they might have been doing me a disservice by doing this, but it seemed like a great idea at the time and I had no issue working under them. 

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, risingthemoon said:

I didn't really think that this part mattered that much, but I had a work visa where I was an employee for his family which they suggested I do so that I could come before the start of the school year and gain some working / language experience. I was to be paid a normal amount and work a normal amount, the contract was very ironclad.

I suppose now that I re-read it, it seems confusing that I would mention their family would terminate the contract, but this is the reason why. I also see that they might have been doing me a disservice by doing this, but it seemed like a great idea at the time and I had no issue working under them. 

I have also had a work visa for an EU country (and now I am a permanent resident so no longer need the visa) 

Did you acquire the visa through the Embassy? Again, his family cannot "void" this visa. They can terminate the contract, yes, but it's not like they can just call up the Embassy and have your visa canceled like that. That is not how it works. I am not suggesting the contract was not legitimate or even that working for his family was a bad idea, but the whole procedure here sounds strange and as though there are some pieces missing.  The Embassy or Consulate would have already issued you the visa, and if you were meant to fly just last week, it should still be valid so it is unclear why you say you "had" a visa. 

Is the visa already in your passport? When does it expire? 

There is a reason I am asking these questions, by the way. I will wait for some clarification from you first, though. 

Edited yesterday at 05:54 PM by ExpatInItaly

[flitzanu]

^^ all of this.

you're talking about government issued documents here, his family has nothing to do with your government issued papers.

[risingthemoon]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I have also had a work visa for an EU country (and now I am a permanent resident so no longer need the visa) 

Did you acquire the visa through the Embassy? Again, his family cannot "void" this visa. They can terminate the contract, yes, but it's not like they can just call up the Embassy and have your visa canceled like that. That is not how it works. I am not suggesting the contract was not legitimate or even that working for his family was a bad idea, but the whole procedure here sounds strange and as though there are some pieces missing.  The Embassy or Consulate would have already issued you the visa, and if you were meant to fly just last week, it should still be valid so it is unclear why you say you "had" a visa. 

Is the visa already in your passport? When does it expire? 

There is a reason I am asking these questions, by the way. I will wait for some clarification from you first, though. 

Everything was done through the country's migration services and I received my visa / permit two weeks ago. The email I received stated that they were voiding the contract and notifying the proper authorities, which I am assuming means migration services. 

I'm not entirely interested in calling the authorities, because international calling is quite expensive, and because I'm not really sure what else it would do for me.

I did not need to go through an embassy in the states but I had an appointment to go to the respective country's embassy to get fingerprinted and my photo taken for the residence card. I did not get that far, obviously. 

[risingthemoon]

13 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

it is always a bad idea to get so enmeshed in the life of a person you’ve only known for a couple of years

Maybe "enmeshed" is not quite the correct word, but our families were comfortable with messaging us, facetiming, and checking in. While long distance, we would get together with each other's friends online and play games together pretty infrequently, but when together in person we would all hang out much more often. A couple of years feels natural to start becoming quite close with your boyfriend/girlfriend's family and friends, but maybe I'm wrong. 

It seemed very important to him that I meet his friends and got on with them. 

That is just one of the many reasons why none of this makes sense, why nobody in his circle has reached out to me to see how I'm doing (which is obviously not their responsibility but we were all fairly close), and I wonder what he told his parents and friends to make them even agree to just dump me without talking to me first, hours before I was to leave. They are all incredibly smart people that I respect, and it all seems so out of character for everyone involved. 

[risingthemoon]

17 hours ago, S2B said:

i would block him and never speak to him again.

Unfortunately, I have very expensive items that are probably arriving to his address this week and I need them to be returned. I was also promised that he would try and figure out how to provide me compensation for my financial losses, but that was last Saturday and I haven't heard anything about that since.

I wonder if he is even going to go through with that. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, risingthemoon said:

Everything was done through the country's migration services and I received my visa / permit two weeks ago

This still sounds odd to me. Do you mean a thid-party agency assisted with your visa application? And the visa is currently in your passport? 

I am focusing on this because I have a strange feeling about a couple things here. 

[risingthemoon]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This still sounds odd to me. Do you mean a thid-party agency assisted with your visa application? And the visa is currently in your passport? 

I am focusing on this because I have a strange feeling about a couple things here. 

There isn’t supposed to be a visa in my passport for this type of permit. Some countries put a visa sticker in the passport, but others don’t. They approve the application first, and then you get the physical residence card after doing biometrics at the embassy.

My case follows that normal system. It wasn’t processed by a third-party agency and nothing unusual has happened.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, risingthemoon said:

Unfortunately, I have very expensive items that are probably arriving to his address this week and I need them to be returned. I was also promised that he would try and figure out how to provide me compensation for my financial losses, but that was last Saturday and I haven't heard anything about that since.

I wonder if he is even going to go through with that. 

I thought you said he already said he would send your things back to you.  You told him you didn't want any money from him, and you also rejected his parents offer to compensate you for the trip.  If you are broke, what were you thinking to tell them that you didn't want the money?  If you go back and ask now you may not get it.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, risingthemoon said:

I was also promised that he would try and figure out how to provide me compensation for my financial losses, but that was last Saturday and I haven't heard anything about that since.

And, I'm sorry but you probably won't.

[ShyViolet]

It was an incredibly bad idea to turn your whole life upside down for this man on the other side of the world who you weren't with in person.  You never truly know a person if you aren't spending time with them in person consistently.  And it's weird that his family was so enmeshed in your relationship.  Just pick up the pieces and let this be a learning experience.  Next time don't do long distance relationships.

[Acacia98]

Sorry about your experience @risingthemoon. Just a couple of things from me:

1. What happens to your plans for graduate school? Had you already applied, been admitted, etc.?

2. Try to find out what (legal) options you have for getting compensated and having your belongings returned if he doesn't follow through on his commitment to return them and compensate you.

[risingthemoon]

10 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Sorry about your experience @risingthemoon. Just a couple of things from me:

1. What happens to your plans for graduate school? Had you already applied, been admitted, etc.?

2. Try to find out what (legal) options you have for getting compensated and having your belongings returned if he doesn't follow through on his commitment to return them and compensate you.

1. Yes, I already had applied, and although I'm unsure of my admittance, it wasn't something I was worried about because of my grades and performance / recommendations from undergrad. I've honestly considered still going if I am accepted, but it's the same town and I run a large risk of running into both him and the people I knew because of him and I'm not sure if that is something I could handle. I'm not worried about not making friends, however.

If I wasn't accepted, and lived there, I would just continue with my work permit and possibly just return home until I found something more permanent there. Those options still gave me time to think about the future there. 

2. I've considered doing this. If I don't hear back by the one week mark, I will.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, risingthemoon said:

Maybe "enmeshed" is not quite the correct word, but our families were comfortable with messaging us, facetiming, and checking in. While long distance, we would get together with each other's friends online and play games together pretty infrequently, but when together in person we would all hang out much more often. A couple of years feels natural to start becoming quite close with your boyfriend/girlfriend's family and friends, but maybe I'm wrong. 

It seemed very important to him that I meet his friends and got on with them. 

That is just one of the many reasons why none of this makes sense, why nobody in his circle has reached out to me to see how I'm doing (which is obviously not their responsibility but we were all fairly close), and I wonder what he told his parents and friends to make them even agree to just dump me without talking to me first, hours before I was to leave. They are all incredibly smart people that I respect, and it all seems so out of character for everyone involved. 

A couple of years would have been quite early to become that deeply involved with each other’s families even if you were living close to each other and meeting regularly.

For a long distance relationship, this is incredibly early.

A LDR moves at a much slower pace than a normal relationship. One could even say that it barely moves at all.

It takes at least years to really get to know and trust a person. It would require a lifetime to get to know a person in a LDR, and even that perhaps wouldn’t be enough.

One of the most basic relationship tests is the trial period when a couple begins to live together. People show their true faces when you share their daily life and routines. That is impossible in a LDR, so that essential test can never be passed.

In general, I’d highly advise you to avoid long distance relationships in the future.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you've been duped in more ways  than one. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, risingthemoon said:

There isn’t supposed to be a visa in my passport for this type of permit. Some countries put a visa sticker in the passport, but others don’t. They approve the application first, and then you get the physical residence card after doing biometrics at the embassy.

My case follows that normal system. It wasn’t processed by a third-party agency and nothing unusual has happened.

Yes, I am very familiar with how works permits function in the EU. I've been through the system and have secured permanent residency here now so I got many opportunities to wade through the bureuacracy of it all. It's a maze and actual work visas  for member states are not that simple to obtain. It sounds like you may be describing ETIAS authorization and biiometrics with EES. 

That's why it's a bit concerning that neither you nor your now-ex didn't know that his family cannot simply void a visa. It sounds like you and they lack informaiton about how it all works and the legalities associated with it, which suggests this was not actually a well-planned move. That's what gave me a strange feeling: your potential lack of knowledge and his lack of transparency, and maybe promising you things he was never going to deliver. 

 

Edited 12 hours ago by ExpatInItaly