Staying or Leaving: where does the real pain lie?

[marcusantonio]

It is clear that every human relationship will have ups and downs.
And that these ups and downs differ from disrespect.

So, each of us has learned in his life to distinguish between those relationships that are together for sacrifices, well-managed ups and downs, while others, which are completely different, lack of respect, turning a blind eye to obvious red flags, etc.

But, at the same time, have you ever wondered if you suffer more after the relationship has ended, therefore, in the absence of that person who showed red flags, or if in reality, you suffer less by remaining in that relationship but managing things better?

I could give many examples of relationships of people who stayed together with red flags and lack of respect, and who "left stronger", and at the same time of people who took courage and separated, and yet I see them both suffering a lot.

It is as if there was a single solution to the problem, yet there are people who know they have weaknesses (red flags) and who try to manage them, or who, when they fail, immediately apologize for what they have done, aware that they were unable to manage it.

Life is made of investments, in this case haven't you also noticed the suffering both among the brave ones who left and the cowards who remained?

[basil67]

When I left my ex-husband, it felt like the sun was coming out after years of rain.   After a couple of weeks while I recalibrated myself, my life and mental health improved so much.   

I can't say I've seen much suffering among people who left bad relationships.   But your behaviour of calling people who stay "cowards" does not reflect well on you.

[Gebidozo]

I haven’t really encountered anyone who suffered a lot and for a long time after they had left their incompatible partners.

The suffering was during the bad relationship, or just after the breakup.

Those who remained in bad relationships continued to suffer. At best, there was some lifelong sense of melancholic resignation.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't really think I can name examples of people who continued to suffer long-term after ending poor relationships, no. 

The immediate break-up and some months after may sting obviously, but not long-term. Not if the person is of sound mind in a healthy emotional space. 

[marcusantonio]

It sounds like spending some time alone really helps you understand how you feel.
Just stay away from that person for a while.

[Sanch62]

On 12/9/2025 at 8:45 AM, marcusantonio said:

Life is made of investments, in this case haven't you also noticed the suffering both among the brave ones who left and the cowards who remained?

Sure. Suffering and grief are natural aspects of living. Future outcomes depend on what we do with the suffering. We can either use it to sink ourselves into a deeper hole to climb out of, or we can use the experience as a teacher of lessons we won't repeat as we move forward with more confidence to build a better outcome.

[Herkamer63]

Don't know if this would qualify, but one time, I had a woman who I was very invested in getting into a relationship with. Now, even though this was, come this September 2026, 4 years ago (as I'm this, January 2026), she and I were basically at the height of our interest in one and other. I'll get back to that later.

For some context, I met this woman back in 2021 at a ballroom, as I was beginning to take my first steps into what was going to become my ballroom competition journey (been competing since 2022). Now, to be honest, she's 9 years older than I am, had been divorced, and a (young) grandmother. So I was 35 y/o and she was 44 y/o, and she had some baggage, but she was always very nice to me and had shown interest. Truth be told, at the time, I was kind of going through a withdraw from the dating scene because, the year before, I was seeing someone, thought it was going somewhere (as well as that woman's sister and brother in-law), and, out of the blue, she backed out claiming it wouldn't work. No reason nor any explanation, when there was nothing wrong. Then tried to get involved with a different woman only to find out she had a boyfriend that no one knew about. Needless to say, I was pretty down and was getting tired of this happening (there were other women in the past that also led up to this). So I was going to hang it up and say goodbye to dating and even trying to get into a relationship forever. Then this woman comes along and, more or less, dragged back into it. I resisted at first, but as time moved on and I got to know her story, I started to like her. She is a good looking woman and keeps herself in great shape, but more importantly a, seemingly, nice and cool person.

We began to become friends, and around that time, the ballroom itself was gearing up to do a dance competition. At that time (in 2021), I was mainly doing it for the social because my goal, during that year, was to make new friends, which I did and still have contact with today. This woman asked if I was going to compete and was encouraging me to consider it, as well as a studio showcase. I didn't jump on the ideas, until my instructors, who later became my close friends, encouraged me to do it, as well as some of the other students. After the boost of confidence, I decided to pull the trigger on it and do them. Today, although at a different studio but takes it far more serious (long story on the move), I'm continuing to do it while learning new styles. I can actually first attribute that to this woman, so, in a way, thanks to her, she gave me the confidence needed to pursue this. Anyway, I thought I'd try to go out with her on a few occasions to try and go out with her, but it didn't happen, until Summer 2022. It was an interesting time, too, because, one, she was fairly flakey, two, I was beginning to lose interest, and three, other guys were chasing her, including a friend of mine (I'll get back to that later). Towards the end of the season, however, we finally went out on a date, after so long. We had a great time, too, and I actually thought something was going to come out of it... until a realization snuck up.

Something I didn't know before 2022 was before her marriage, there was another man that she use to be engaged to, who stuck around because they had a child together, who would later grow up and give her grandchildren. She wasn't romantically involved with him, at the time, but the daughter was insistent for her to have another go with him. And there was no doubt he wanted to start something back up, but this woman was not interested in sparking that old flame again. When I met him, he seemed like a decent enough guy, until it was known I was taking this woman out and, all of the sudden, he started treating me differently. Ignored me, didn't look at me, erratic, just different. After this woman went out with me, it then increased, even to the point where he was talking about me behind my back. During that Summer, there were other men actively pursuing her as well. One of which was a friend of mine. He was constantly trying to go out with her because they're closer in age. She just wanted nothing from him other than friendship, but he persisted, not taking the hint. The night of our date, we ran into my friend and he looked a little crushed because he kept asking her out and I asked her out once that Summer and she went. He then started talking down about her about a few days later, whereas, before, he sung her praises. At this point, it was becoming too much with the amount of guys coming after her, and if a friend in on it, I personally didn't want to risk ending a friendship over a woman. When September came, we got together for a night out with friends. That's when I found out about the ex-fiance having a beef with me, other guys talking to her, and my friend still tagging along wherever we went. I couldn't do it anymore, so I gave up on her. She didn't seem too distressed, even after she was figuring out I wasn't pursuing her anymore, so a little more reason to believe that I was probably more a friend to her than anything. Months later, a guy she was talking to, they both got engaged and moved out of state. They ultimately didn't get married, I found out a few months ago, and, currently seeing no one, as far as I know.

We're still friends, but I keep my distance. My friend, although he doesn't say it nor would admit to it if I called him out on it, is trying to start something with her again, now that he knows she's (supposedly) single because he still messages her quite a bit and tells me that. Since that time, though, there was another woman I was trying to make it work with but didn't happen, so I'm now in that spot where I may just remain single because, despite what improvements I made to myself physically, financially, and socially (especially within the dance community and it's affect on me outside of it, with others not in it loving the videos I post and wanting me to teach them how to do it), I may not be cut out to be with anyone that I like, right now. Doesn't mean there haven't been women I've considered, but due to past experiences, there isn't anything that would point to these ladies being interested. And it certainly doesn't mean there haven't been any women interested in me, but I wasn't in them for reasons. This isn't me trying to gain sympathy, but rather being honest. Life isn't bad at all. This year (2026) I'm getting all, but one, debt settle (by next year, I'll be debt free from my major ones), I'm now beginning to learn newer dance styles and routines (as well as incorporating lifts like what professionals do with their dance partners), in which is encouraging me to build more muscle, lose more fatty weight, and gain more balance through both the gym I go to and yoga classes I'm taking, I'm reconnecting with old friends and making new ones, spending more time with my family, and I've been doing more in general out in the world. At this moment in time, is it even worth me even trying again, is the question. All I can say is probably not, but doesn't mean it's never and I can always keep an eye out. Unless a woman comes along and rocks my world,  I just don't see myself with anyone.

The real pain, for me (in this instance), is staying while not knowing whether or not if the other person you like, that you're doing things with, is even interested in you. Some days they seem really into you, others not so much, but they make it very convincing that it'll happen if X, Y, and Z happened, just not at that given time. Problem is many times those circumstances never happen. When the truth finally comes out, you're crushed and disappointed. Driven home one night after a woman I really liked said she didn't like me the same way, even though we had done so much in 2 years, and I can't even tell you how much that broken heart for an hour. And if I had stayed in the situation with the woman in this story I told, I don't know how I would have ended up for sure, but if I had to guess, a wrecked friendship with one of my closest friends, warring with an ex-fiance, competing with other guys I never met (but would probably meet eventually), possibly a strained relationship with my studio and non-studio friends, distractions from my dance lessons, and still not able to figure out if I'm her number 1 or not. Leaving, although bummed out for a little while, was a much healthier and wiser decision.

When started listening to certain dating podcasts and read up on other people's personal experiences, it became clear to me that being single, in today's dating market, might be a better choice for myself, for now. I don't have that stress of wondering whether or not a woman likes me. Until it's 'yes', it's 'no', and I've been trying to keep simple like that. I'm turning 40 y/o this year (2026), and I don't want to have those worries anymore. I'm done with it. It's either you like me or you don't, and if you did, it's up to me as to whether or not I like you in the same way. Whatever the case, I'm glad I didn't stay with it around that time when I was finding out who was all going after the woman in the story. If you're in that same spot, my advice is to leave. It's not worth the effort to try to convince someone through a song and dance to like you. It simply makes you look foolish. If they like you, it's unnecessary to do something to try and impress them because they already want to be with you so, other than doing some nice deeds for that person to show you care for them and a couple dates, it's unnecessary to put on a show for them. If they don't, just walk away from potential hurt. Up to you if you want to be friends, but that's it. You're not the backup plan nor the rebound, either. There were other details in the story I had not disclosed, but there should have been alarms ringing in myself to stay away. Something a late radio talk show use to say "intelligence guided by experience." Sorry this was long, but I wanted to present as much in context as possible. So hopefully this helps!