Dealing With Flaking

[FredEire]

Hi all,

So its not been a very fortunate year for me dating wise, but recently things seemed to have taken a bit of a turn for the better and flowing a bit more, in my personal and my romantic life. I made a couple of connections which turned out to be casual but I went out a bit, made more connections and overall things starting feeling a lot looser and easier.

Then (Im not sure why but these things tend to happen at once) a girl Id met ages ago at an event replied to my Instagram story and asked "why we'd never met up for a drink".

I remember at the time I was talking to a couple of girls there, both interactions were flirty and while I texted the other girl and nothing really came of it, when I looked up this girls Instagram I saw a few pictures of her and some guy and decided she was probably taken and just seemed flirty for the sake of a flirt, and never ended up messaging.

Fast forward a few more days and we met up for a drink. She was very flirty again and it became clear there wasn't a boyfriend in the picture. It turned out she thought I was probably seeing the other girl and had wondered why I'd never messaged her. We ended up kissing and it was overall a good night.

Since then there was a lot of back and forth texting, she was really engaged and it seemed to be going well. We arranged to meet up this weekend and when it came to the day, she said it was that time of the month and she wasn't feeling well, I said that was totally fine and she asked if we could meet up today (Sunday), but we had a vague time of 4-5.

I texted her in the afternoon (I know in hindsight too late) asking her if she was feeling better today. She said "a little but its raining outside and Im really comfortable in my house", or something to that effect. It was raining a little but honestly not a lot, and as it cleared up I went for a walk and sent a picture of the clear sky, planning to follow up asking if she was still on and where we could meet etc.

She didnt respond for maybe another 5 hours, way after we were meant to meet, and basically just sent me a sticker of a cat meme. No mention that we were meant to meet up or any acknowledgement of anything.

Now for my part I could have definitely been firmer with the plans, or just left it for next week, but I did actually want to see her today. But I'm disappointed after a good start it just devolved into flakiness so quickly, and went from initially quite promising to kind of dead in the water so quickly.

It just seems to be a pattern for me, especially this year. Great start turns into inconsistent communication, flakiness and then poof the connection is dead all of a sudden. I get its just part of dating but it makes me cynical and totally overanalyse the beginning stages because it feels like I have to be perfect at the beginning stages of getting to know someone, or it all gets off track all of a sudden. It's exhausting, and I recognise that being cynical or too stiff is something that kills momentum it itself.

 

Edited 20 hours ago by FredEire

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

Great start turns into inconsistent communication, flakiness and then poof the connection is dead all of a sudden.

Your mistake is calling such connections “great starts”.

It wasn’t a great start, because it wasn’t a start at all. It was just a nice date with some sparks that you heavily overanalyzed and for some reason expected to turn into something serious.

You understand it yourself:

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

I get its just part of dating but it makes me cynical and totally overanalyse the beginning stages

The only mistake here is that I wouldn’t even call this “beginning stages”. For something to be a beginning, it needs to have a continuation. Since it is always unknown in such cases whether there will be a continuation or not, why think of it as a beginning? Think of it as a nice little romantic event without any expectations or any strings attached.

5 hours ago, FredEire said:

it feels like I have to be perfect at the beginning stages of getting to know someone

On the contrary, it’s your overly serious approach to this, your disproportionate efforts, and your constant overthinking that makes this kind of connection more likely to dwindle and die.

Let’s put it this way. Probably 85% or so of such flirty dates end up without developing into relationships. Your high expectations and overanalyzing further increase that possibility to 95%.

So the very first thing you need to do is stop putting pressure on yourself, because the other person will feel this pressure and react accordingly. Enter every date and have every kiss without any expectations. And let it flow naturally, be yourself. If it doesn’t work, remember that it’s because most such things don’t work. But at least your chances will be higher if you relax.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

Now for my part I could have definitely been firmer with the plans

I don't think this would have changed anything in this case. 

It was already pretty clear that she'd decided she was going to stay home, first because she wasn't feeling well and then because it had been raining. This one was out of your hands. 

 

[FredEire]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Your mistake is calling such connections “great starts”.

It wasn’t a great start, because it wasn’t a start at all. It was just a nice date with some sparks that you heavily overanalyzed and for some reason expected to turn into something serious.

You understand it yourself:

The only mistake here is that I wouldn’t even call this “beginning stages”. For something to be a beginning, it needs to have a continuation. Since it is always unknown in such cases whether there will be a continuation or not, why think of it as a beginning? Think of it as a nice little romantic event without any expectations or any strings attached.

On the contrary, it’s your overly serious approach to this, your disproportionate efforts, and your constant overthinking that makes this kind of connection more likely to dwindle and die.

Let’s put it this way. Probably 85% or so of such flirty dates end up without developing into relationships. Your high expectations and overanalyzing further increase that possibility to 95%.

So the very first thing you need to do is stop putting pressure on yourself, because the other person will feel this pressure and react accordingly. Enter every date and have every kiss without any expectations. And let it flow naturally, be yourself. If it doesn’t work, remember that it’s because most such things don’t work. But at least your chances will be higher if you relax.

It wasn't always like this.

Dating used to be a ton of fun. Yes there was always damp squibs but in between that I got to know a lot of nice girls. Sometimes it would go somewhere further, sometimes it would fizzle out after a couple of meetings. As you said, that's fine because the vast majority of things don't turn into something serious.

But back then for the most part everyone I met was nice. The last couple of years I've had far more encounters where the person I've met was just straight up rude, didn't have basic respect for my time, etc. I've had cases of girls storming off on dates because they didnt like where I brought them and calling me an a**h*** the next day, or leaving mid-date because they decided my dating history meant I was either a player or an incel and going into a rant about how theyd needed therapy for their exes, etc. It's exhausting.

And I'm not expecting it to turn into something serious every time, just hopeful that when two people meet and have a bit of a spark they both have a will to get to know eachother and see where it goes, even if they realise after a couple of meetings they aren't compatible etc. I dont think thats unreasonable right?

Like it used to be pretty clear when something was a damp squib, and when it would probably lead somewhere at least for a while. Nowadays things that seem to have a bit of initial promise generally dont get off the ground even slightly.

And I'm not making massive efforts here above and beyond. Im not turning up with a bunch of flowers and inviting her to meet my parents after a good first date. I'm just seeing if after we both seemed to have a nice time, we can meet up and maybe have a nice time again and see where it goes. I don't think that's anything particularly crazy.

[FredEire]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think this would have changed anything in this case. 

It was already pretty clear that she'd decided she was going to stay home, first because she wasn't feeling well and then because it had been raining. This one was out of your hands. 

 

Yeah from what she said initially you may be right.

I would have appreciated an apology or just a bit more clarity than a cat sticker though, lol.

[Sony12]

16 hours ago, FredEire said:

Hi all,

So its not been a very fortunate year for me dating wise, but recently things seemed to have taken a bit of a turn for the better and flowing a bit more, in my personal and my romantic life. I made a couple of connections which turned out to be casual but I went out a bit, made more connections and overall things starting feeling a lot looser and easier.

Then (Im not sure why but these things tend to happen at once) a girl Id met ages ago at an event replied to my Instagram story and asked "why we'd never met up for a drink".

I remember at the time I was talking to a couple of girls there, both interactions were flirty and while I texted the other girl and nothing really came of it, when I looked up this girls Instagram I saw a few pictures of her and some guy and decided she was probably taken and just seemed flirty for the sake of a flirt, and never ended up messaging.

Fast forward a few more days and we met up for a drink. She was very flirty again and it became clear there wasn't a boyfriend in the picture. It turned out she thought I was probably seeing the other girl and had wondered why I'd never messaged her. We ended up kissing and it was overall a good night.

Since then there was a lot of back and forth texting, she was really engaged and it seemed to be going well. We arranged to meet up this weekend and when it came to the day, she said it was that time of the month and she wasn't feeling well, I said that was totally fine and she asked if we could meet up today (Sunday), but we had a vague time of 4-5.

I texted her in the afternoon (I know in hindsight too late) asking her if she was feeling better today. She said "a little but its raining outside and Im really comfortable in my house", or something to that effect. It was raining a little but honestly not a lot, and as it cleared up I went for a walk and sent a picture of the clear sky, planning to follow up asking if she was still on and where we could meet etc.

She didnt respond for maybe another 5 hours, way after we were meant to meet, and basically just sent me a sticker of a cat meme. No mention that we were meant to meet up or any acknowledgement of anything.

Now for my part I could have definitely been firmer with the plans, or just left it for next week, but I did actually want to see her today. But I'm disappointed after a good start it just devolved into flakiness so quickly, and went from initially quite promising to kind of dead in the water so quickly.

It just seems to be a pattern for me, especially this year. Great start turns into inconsistent communication, flakiness and then poof the connection is dead all of a sudden. I get its just part of dating but it makes me cynical and totally overanalyse the beginning stages because it feels like I have to be perfect at the beginning stages of getting to know someone, or it all gets off track all of a sudden. It's exhausting, and I recognise that being cynical or too stiff is something that kills momentum it itself.

 

Sounds like she may have just been wanting to hookup. If you said something like 'want me to come over' when she said it's comfy in my house there is probably a decent chance she would have said yes.

[FredEire]

16 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Sounds like she may have just been wanting to hookup. If you said something like 'want me to come over' when she said it's comfy in my house there is probably a decent chance she would have said yes.

She was apparently on a painful period so I doubt it in this case.

[Sony12]

Just now, FredEire said:

She was apparently on a painful period so I doubt it in this case.

Maybe but people tend to become less social and more set in their ways as they get older. Part of your problem recently with dating is that you might want to be as on the go and out doing things with women now as you were when you all were five to ten years younger. A lot of times people once they get out of their wild child phase really do just enjoy spending time at home and have someone to watch a tv show with.

[FredEire]

11 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Maybe but people tend to become less social and more set in their ways as they get older. Part of your problem recently with dating is that you might want to be as on the go and out doing things with women now as you were when you all were five to ten years younger. A lot of times people once they get out of their wild child phase really do just enjoy spending time at home and have someone to watch a tv show with.

Perhaps. But still I'm not going to suggest a first meetup at my/her place unless its pretty clear we're both looking to just hook up.

I have absolutely no problem chilling and watching a movie with someone I've been dating for a while haha. I think at any age its normal to have the first couple of dates in a public setting unless you've been on a hookup app and thats the arrangement.

The last girl I dated more long term for example was 33 and eventually most of our meetups was just chilling at her place after we'd finished work, which was totally fine by me. But the first couple of times we met up at bars and then the cinema. It's partly just a safety thing, which I totally get. From your postings on here it seems like you mostly connect with women who are looking for a guy to discreetly come over and give them a good time. Which is a certain niche of people but I wouldn't say its the norm.

Edited 3 hours ago by FredEire

[Sony12]

33 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Perhaps. But still I'm not going to suggest a first meetup at my/her place unless its pretty clear we're both looking to just hook up.

I have absolutely no problem chilling and watching a movie with someone I've been dating for a while haha. I think at any age its normal to have the first couple of dates in a public setting unless you've been on a hookup app and thats the arrangement.

The last girl I dated more long term for example was 33 and eventually most of our meetups was just chilling at her place after we'd finished work, which was totally fine by me. But the first couple of times we met up at bars and then the cinema. It's partly just a safety thing, which I totally get. From your postings on here it seems like you mostly connect with women who are looking for a guy to discreetly come over and give them a good time. Which is a certain niche of people but I wouldn't say its the norm.

And nothing wrong with that either. One thing to remember though is that the dating world isn't kind these days to people who are actually looking for relationships. What you are experiencing is what most people who are looking for actual relationships are experiencing. There is a lot of truth to the fact that the good ones are often already taken and a lot of times once people get out of the mindsets they had during their college age years many people who are single are often single for a reason.

Edited 2 hours ago by Sony12

[FredEire]

18 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

And nothing wrong with that either. One thing to remember though is that the dating world isn't kind these days to people who are actually looking for relationships. What you are experiencing is what most people who are looking for actual relationships are experiencing. There is a lot of truth to the fact that the good ones are often already taken and a lot of times once people get out of the mindsets they had during their college age years many people who are single are often single for a reason.

No, not at all. My point is just that hookup dating is a niche where both people are clear from before they've even met what's going down. Certain things would apply that don't apply to people meeting in a more regular setting.

Indeed I agree with you there, unfortunately. You need thick skin but it's challenging to do that while still genuinely being open to something positive. Thats what Im contending with I suppose, realism that youre going to run into a lot of silliness especially 30+, while still trying to hope for the best and have a genuinely open mind and give people the benefit of the doubt.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, FredEire said:

And I'm not expecting it to turn into something serious every time, just hopeful that when two people meet and have a bit of a spark they both have a will to get to know eachother and see where it goes, even if they realise after a couple of meetings they aren't compatible etc. I dont think thats unreasonable right?

Honestly? It is a bit unreasonable. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting that, but let’s be realistic: most such sparks just remain sparks, and in most cases people don’t feel the need to try and turn them into dating or relationship.

There were a lot of such “sparky” encounters in my life. Only very few of them transformed into relationships. Some became brief romances. But most of them led absolutely nowhere. I remember I was once drunk and so infatuated with a girl I’d just met that I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. We kissed passionately and almost slept with each other. The next day, neither of us felt any desire to communicate.

Things like that happen. What I’m trying to say is that you’ll probably feel better if you lower your expectations from those “sparky” moments.

Edited 2 hours ago by Gebidozo

[FredEire]

25 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Honestly? It is a bit unreasonable. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting that, but let’s be realistic: most such sparks just remain sparks, and in most cases people don’t feel the need to try and turn them into dating or relationship.

There were a lot of such “sparky” encounters in my life. Only very few of them transformed into relationships. Some became brief romances. But most of them led absolutely nowhere. I remember I was once drunk and so infatuated with a girl I’d just met that I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. We kissed passionately and almost slept with each other. The next day, neither of us felt any desire to communicate.

Things like that happen. What I’m trying to say is that you’ll probably feel better if you lower your expectations from those “sparky” moments.

I get you.

It's just that the least I expect from such encounters is decent, basic communication, you know?

Your example sounds like a classic case of over-commital. I'd never do anything like that these days or go beyond saying I had a nice time after a first date and telling her Id like to do it again sometime. I may be wrong but I honestly dont think Im going OTT.

I've had encounters which went well at first and the girl reached out to say she wasn't feeling it in the end/was getting more serious with someone else, etc. Which I would always really appreciate and I wish more people did. Its a clean, respectful, adult way of leaving things and I never have any hard feelings about that.

But like I said in OP the normal thing is we're talking a lot and then it suddenly goes radio silent with no explanation, or in some cases the girl gets straight up nasty if she doesn't get her way etc.

I want a second date if I thought the girl seemed like a decent, adult person on the first date and we had some good chemistry. The fact that so often turns out not to be the case makes it hard to go into new encounters with much optimism, that's my main point.

Edited 1 hour ago by FredEire