Dealing With Flaking

[FredEire]

Hi all,

So its not been a very fortunate year for me dating wise, but recently things seemed to have taken a bit of a turn for the better and flowing a bit more, in my personal and my romantic life. I made a couple of connections which turned out to be casual but I went out a bit, made more connections and overall things starting feeling a lot looser and easier.

Then (Im not sure why but these things tend to happen at once) a girl Id met ages ago at an event replied to my Instagram story and asked "why we'd never met up for a drink".

I remember at the time I was talking to a couple of girls there, both interactions were flirty and while I texted the other girl and nothing really came of it, when I looked up this girls Instagram I saw a few pictures of her and some guy and decided she was probably taken and just seemed flirty for the sake of a flirt, and never ended up messaging.

Fast forward a few more days and we met up for a drink. She was very flirty again and it became clear there wasn't a boyfriend in the picture. It turned out she thought I was probably seeing the other girl and had wondered why I'd never messaged her. We ended up kissing and it was overall a good night.

Since then there was a lot of back and forth texting, she was really engaged and it seemed to be going well. We arranged to meet up this weekend and when it came to the day, she said it was that time of the month and she wasn't feeling well, I said that was totally fine and she asked if we could meet up today (Sunday), but we had a vague time of 4-5.

I texted her in the afternoon (I know in hindsight too late) asking her if she was feeling better today. She said "a little but its raining outside and Im really comfortable in my house", or something to that effect. It was raining a little but honestly not a lot, and as it cleared up I went for a walk and sent a picture of the clear sky, planning to follow up asking if she was still on and where we could meet etc.

She didnt respond for maybe another 5 hours, way after we were meant to meet, and basically just sent me a sticker of a cat meme. No mention that we were meant to meet up or any acknowledgement of anything.

Now for my part I could have definitely been firmer with the plans, or just left it for next week, but I did actually want to see her today. But I'm disappointed after a good start it just devolved into flakiness so quickly, and went from initially quite promising to kind of dead in the water so quickly.

It just seems to be a pattern for me, especially this year. Great start turns into inconsistent communication, flakiness and then poof the connection is dead all of a sudden. I get its just part of dating but it makes me cynical and totally overanalyse the beginning stages because it feels like I have to be perfect at the beginning stages of getting to know someone, or it all gets off track all of a sudden. It's exhausting, and I recognise that being cynical or too stiff is something that kills momentum it itself.

 

Edited 15 hours ago by FredEire

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

Great start turns into inconsistent communication, flakiness and then poof the connection is dead all of a sudden.

Your mistake is calling such connections “great starts”.

It wasn’t a great start, because it wasn’t a start at all. It was just a nice date with some sparks that you heavily overanalyzed and for some reason expected to turn into something serious.

You understand it yourself:

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

I get its just part of dating but it makes me cynical and totally overanalyse the beginning stages

The only mistake here is that I wouldn’t even call this “beginning stages”. For something to be a beginning, it needs to have a continuation. Since it is always unknown in such cases whether there will be a continuation or not, why think of it as a beginning? Think of it as a nice little romantic event without any expectations or any strings attached.

5 hours ago, FredEire said:

it feels like I have to be perfect at the beginning stages of getting to know someone

On the contrary, it’s your overly serious approach to this, your disproportionate efforts, and your constant overthinking that makes this kind of connection more likely to dwindle and die.

Let’s put it this way. Probably 85% or so of such flirty dates end up without developing into relationships. Your high expectations and overanalyzing further increase that possibility to 95%.

So the very first thing you need to do is stop putting pressure on yourself, because the other person will feel this pressure and react accordingly. Enter every date and have every kiss without any expectations. And let it flow naturally, be yourself. If it doesn’t work, remember that it’s because most such things don’t work. But at least your chances will be higher if you relax.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

Now for my part I could have definitely been firmer with the plans

I don't think this would have changed anything in this case. 

It was already pretty clear that she'd decided she was going to stay home, first because she wasn't feeling well and then because it had been raining. This one was out of your hands. 

 

[FredEire]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Your mistake is calling such connections “great starts”.

It wasn’t a great start, because it wasn’t a start at all. It was just a nice date with some sparks that you heavily overanalyzed and for some reason expected to turn into something serious.

You understand it yourself:

The only mistake here is that I wouldn’t even call this “beginning stages”. For something to be a beginning, it needs to have a continuation. Since it is always unknown in such cases whether there will be a continuation or not, why think of it as a beginning? Think of it as a nice little romantic event without any expectations or any strings attached.

On the contrary, it’s your overly serious approach to this, your disproportionate efforts, and your constant overthinking that makes this kind of connection more likely to dwindle and die.

Let’s put it this way. Probably 85% or so of such flirty dates end up without developing into relationships. Your high expectations and overanalyzing further increase that possibility to 95%.

So the very first thing you need to do is stop putting pressure on yourself, because the other person will feel this pressure and react accordingly. Enter every date and have every kiss without any expectations. And let it flow naturally, be yourself. If it doesn’t work, remember that it’s because most such things don’t work. But at least your chances will be higher if you relax.

It wasn't always like this.

Dating used to be a ton of fun. Yes there was always damp squibs but in between that I got to know a lot of nice girls. Sometimes it would go somewhere further, sometimes it would fizzle out after a couple of meetings. As you said, that's fine because the vast majority of things don't turn into something serious.

But back then for the most part everyone I met was nice. The last couple of years I've had far more encounters where the person I've met was just straight up rude, didn't have basic respect for my time, etc. I've had cases of girls storming off on dates because they didnt like where I brought them and calling me an a**h*** the next day, or leaving mid-date because they decided my dating history meant I was either a player or an incel and going into a rant about how theyd needed therapy for their exes, etc. It's exhausting.

And I'm not expecting it to turn into something serious every time, just hopeful that when two people meet and have a bit of a spark they both have a will to get to know eachother and see where it goes, even if they realise after a couple of meetings they aren't compatible etc. I dont think thats unreasonable right?

Like it used to be pretty clear when something was a damp squib, and when it would probably lead somewhere at least for a while. Nowadays things that seem to have a bit of initial promise generally dont get off the ground even slightly.

And I'm not making massive efforts here above and beyond. Im not turning up with a bunch of flowers and inviting her to meet my parents after a good first date. I'm just seeing if after we both seemed to have a nice time, we can meet up and maybe have a nice time again and see where it goes. I don't think that's anything particularly crazy.