I told his wife…

[Anonymous]

After many years of the affair going on, after years of trying to convince him to make a decision, I got incredibly mad one day and told his wife about us. She said she’s known for years. 
 

She doesn’t seem to care and I am left picking up the broken pieces of my heart. He said he’s officially done with me and I am devastated. I love him with all my heart, but did I just lose him? Will he ever reach back out? What have I done?!?!

[MsJayne]

 Wow, you must be in a state of shock, faced with the realisation that you’ve been strung along for years. Did you believe that if you forced him to make a choice he’d choose you? What led up to you getting so angry that you decided to contact his wife? 

[Anonymous]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

 Wow, you must be in a state of shock, faced with the realisation that you’ve been strung along for years. Did you believe that if you forced him to make a choice he’d choose you? What led up to you getting so angry that you decided to contact his wife? 

He kept saying they were separating. I needed his actions to match his words. I contacted her because he had a car accident and when I asked if she was at the hospital, he told me no, so I drove up there to confirm. Of course she was there. I was tired of the lying. 
 

despite it all, as I’m sure many on here say, I am so in love with him and feel like I broke all trust by telling her. I just needed the insane rollercoaster ride to stop. 
 

crazy part is I don’t think his wife cares. I am miserable and they are continuing life as normal. I’m sure he told her it wasn’t true, she is believing it and they get no effects, while I am dying on the inside. 

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

I love him with all my heart, but did I just lose him? 

Yes. 

You took a risk and it did not work out in your favour. As it turns out, she is not naive to his infidelity and she has proven that it is not a dealbreaker for her. Still, I would not expect him to come back. He’s told you that he is done - you’ve crossed a line, this is a betrayal, he can no longer trust you, and he likely doesn’t want this drama. 

I wish you well as you begin to let go and move forward from this relationship…

 

[Anonymous]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

He’s told you that he is done - you’ve crossed a line, this is a betrayal, he can no longer trust you, and he likely doesn’t want this drama. 

It’s ok that he’s lied to me constantly about her and their relationship status, but I’m not trustworthy now? Make it make sense. 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

It’s ok that he’s lied to me constantly about her and their relationship status, but I’m not trustworthy now? Make it make sense.

It doesn’t make sense, and that is the thing with affairs…

Affairs are often built or based on a lie - most men tend to come up with some version of the same general story… that he is unhappy on his marriage, that she doesn’t care, that he is planning to leave… That’s usually what encourages a woman who would have otherwise not taken the risk to believe that there is a possibility here… that she should invest.  

And the women who sign up for this situation are generally expected by their male affair partners to keep their secret unless/until they are able to disclose the truth to their partner and/or leave the relationship. Is it a double standard? Absolutely. But, it’s still the expectation of the committed affair partners - they are in the position of control, they hold all the cards, and they generally don’t appreciate it when either women plays an unexpected hand.
 

Edited Sunday at 10:07 PM by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

1 minute ago, Anonymous said:

It’s ok that he’s lied to me constantly about her and their relationship status, but I’m not trustworthy now? Make it make sense. 

As his affair partner you were complicit in the lie and the cuckolding of his wife, so in his eyes you’re a traitor. You’ve taken the fun out of it for him by, 1. Halting the secrecy, and 2. Standing up for yourself. You’re no longer compliant, you suddenly stopped letting him control the narrative, and the relationship was bound to end the moment you did that. One day you’ll be glad you did this, just not at the moment while you’re in pain. You can start to recover by acknowledging that he’s not worthy of either your love or his wife’s, he’s a lying, cheating, self-centred, manipulative low-life. He’s very likely to seek out a new affair partner to manipulate, that’s how people of his calibre operate. They have no conscience. 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

It’s ok that he’s lied to me constantly about her and their relationship status

The better question to ask is why did you choose believe a man who you knew to be a liar and a cheat? 

 

[Anonymous]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

they are in the position of control, they hold all the cards, and they generally don’t appreciate it when either women plays an unexpected hand. 

 

Forgive me, as I am not taking it out on you, I am just working through a ton of emotions and I have sort of isolated myself. I just want to know why he gets to walk away consequence free. Why he just dropped this life and picked up the other. Why I am in pain and heartbreak and yet he is not affected at all. It’s just not fair. I am suffering and he literally moved on like I was nothing. 

[MsJayne]

3 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

Why I am in pain and heartbreak and yet he is not affected at all. It’s just not fair,

Refer to my previous post about him having no conscience. No, it’s not fair, his wife probably thinks it’s not fair too. 

[Anonymous]

12 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Standing up for yourself. You’re no longer compliant, you suddenly stopped letting him control the narrative, and the relationship was bound to end the moment you did that. 

I think this is the whole problem. He was fine with me being frustrated by the whole situation. He was fine until I did something about it. Now I’m the enemy. I guess where I am struggling is that it went from all day, every day to instant no contact. 12 years of passion to instant radio silence. I really do think he hates me and it really does hurt because I invested so much time and love. It was real for me. So you know, I did block him so I can heal. I just truly want him to feel the same pain I do. 

[BaileyB]

26 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

Forgive me, as I am not taking it out on you, I am just working through a ton of emotions and I have sort of isolated myself. I just want to know why he gets to walk away consequence free. It’s just not fair. I am suffering and he literally moved on like I was nothing. 

I get that - you are processing.

I would just say, life is not fair. Nowhere does it say that the married man will suffer the consequence of their decisions… There are many men who are discovered by their wives, blame the other woman, promise to be faithful forever, and life goes on… It just happens - more often than you would like to believe.

Unfortunately, it’s usually the other woman who is left bereft and broken hearted… That’s what tends to happen when one invests in a relationship with an otherwise committed affair partner. 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I just want to know why he gets to walk away consequence free. Why he just dropped this life and picked up the other. Why I am in pain and heartbreak and yet he is not affected at all. It’s just not fair. I am suffering and he literally moved on like I was nothing. 

I could tell you that life is not fair, that people suffer without fault all the time, and it would be true.

However, if we talk about fairness, you were a participant in prolonged acts of deception, complicit in his betrayal. To begin with, you’d made an incredibly poor choice of getting together with person who was with someone else. And you stuck to that terrible decision for many years. I’m sorry, but the fact you’re suffering now is a direct logical consequence of your actions.

Also, you don’t really know whether he is suffering or not. In fact, you can be certain that sooner or later his conscience will begin gnawing at his soul, and his lies will haunt him.

Or look at it this way: he chose to stay with a woman whom he neither loves nor respects, and who doesn’t respect herself. He can’t possibly be happy. I’m not saying he’d be happy with you or you’d be happy with him, but the affair has surely taken a grave toll on their relationship. I don’t think it can be rebuilt.

You, on the other hand, got out of it relatively unscathed. You are single and can now calmly reflect on what caused you to pursue someone like him, and make sure that you don’t pursue unavailable men in the future.

 

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I just truly want him to feel the same pain I do.

Of course you do, you hope that he really did love you and that he'll miss you so much that he'll come to his senses and end his sham marriage to live happily ever after with you, and if he doesn't you hope that he gets hit by a bus. Anger, disbelief, and shock are fairly normal responses to finding out someone you held in high esteem is actually a dirt-bag, as is a feeling of ambiguity, where part of you wants them to come back and the other part of you would enjoy being the driver of that bus that hits them. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

 I just truly want him to feel the same pain I do. 

He isn't going to. Not for the same reasons you're feeling the pain, anyway. 

He's set up his life so he can have his cake and eat it, too. So when one element of that is no longer available, he still has his regular life to fall back on. He, on the other hand, seems to be the only cake you had. It was always going to hurt you a lot more than him when this finally fell apart. 

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I just want to know why he gets to walk away consequence free. Why he just dropped this life and picked up the other.

It's often how affairs end. It's the nature of being involved with someone who was never yours to begin with. 

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

It’s ok that he’s lied to me constantly about her and their relationship status, but I’m not trustworthy now? Make it make sense. 

It won't make sense to you or most people, but in his warped mind, it is likely exactly how he perceives you now. Remember this is a person who is careless with other people's feelings, lacks a conscience, and has been enormously selfish for a long time. The way he sees this is never going to make sense to you, because you aren't wired the same way. So in his mind? Yes, you likely betrayed him by telling his wife. Is that ridiculuous? Of course. But he is a ridiculuous person, clearly. 

 

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, Anonymous said:

Forgive me, as I am not taking it out on you, I am just working through a ton of emotions and I have sort of isolated myself. I just want to know why he gets to walk away consequence free. Why he just dropped this life and picked up the other. Why I am in pain and heartbreak and yet he is not affected at all. It’s just not fair. I am suffering and he literally moved on like I was nothing. 

He wouldn't be able to walk away scott free if you now let him go and walk away.  He would lose you, but now you have put yourself in a position to win him back because you still want him.  You are going to do whatever is necessary to get him back in your life.  He will never trust you again and is probably looking for another mistress as we speak.

[Anonymous]

I am mentally struggling a little bit today. I just don’t understand how you go from being best friends for 12 years to radio silence like that. I could never cut off a person like that so coldly. 
 

it has me questioning everything. I have found a therapist to help get beyond this, but I am really at war with myself today. 

[BaileyB]

I think it’s reasonable to expect that there will be good days and there will be bad days for a long time to come. This is the end of what has been a significant relationship for you. 

I also think that you are not wrong to question everything… While your experience in this relationship is unchanged, you are now learning this his intention and his investment was not what you thought it was… not an easy thing to come to terms with. It will take time…

[Lotsgoingon]

The problem is that this scenario---and his behavior--is totally predictable. It's not unusual or odd or new or different or creative or surprising.

The person dating the married person--and expecting that married person to leave--is just climbing up a wall that has no grips. If the person were really open to leaving their spouse, they would have left them already ... they would have separated already! 

[MsJayne]

5 hours ago, Anonymous said:

I am really at war with myself today.

Whatever you do, do not contact him!   If you need to vent, vent here. I don't know how long ago the end of it took place but as you process everything you're bound to hit a patch where you're feel so bereft and confused that your own head will start playing games with you, looking for ways to take the blame, excuses to contact him and plead with him and apologise for a scenario that is not your fault. Sorry for telling you what to do, I'm sure you've got a grip on it, but you sound like you might be in danger of contacting the a*****e. The best revenge is to move on as if you're unscathed, and if you can't, just pretend until you can. 

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

Whatever you do, do not contact him!   If you need to vent, vent here. I don't know how long ago the end of it took place but as you process everything you're bound to hit a patch where you're feel so bereft and confused that your own head will start playing games with you, looking for ways to take the blame, excuses to contact him and plead with him and apologise for a scenario that is not your fault. Sorry for telling you what to do, I'm sure you've got a grip on it, but you sound like you might be in danger of contacting the a*****e. The best revenge is to move on as if you're unscathed, and if you can't, just pretend until you can. 

Please tell me what to do. I welcome it!!! I am only about a week out. I actually blocked him on my phone so that I didn’t have to urge to contact him or be constantly hoping he’d call. I cut out the possibility, which was relieving but my head is all over the place. There was a day this week where I was actually relieved and happy it was over, followed by another day of sadness and missing him. All I have is fake it till I make it, but it’s so hard. 

[Anonymous]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The person dating the married person--and expecting that married person to leave--is just climbing up a wall that has no grips. If the person were really open to leaving their spouse, they would have left them already ... they would have separated already! 

This is the best explanation ever of how I feel. He just kept telling me to be patient. In my head I know he was never going to leave his wife, but my heart was still hopeful. 

[Anonymous]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

While your experience in this relationship is unchanged, you are now learning this his intention and his investment was not what you thought it was… not an easy thing to come to terms with. It will take time…

Part of me always felt like if it came down to saving us both, he’d choose her, but I also didn’t want to believe it. It’s like I always knew this is how this was going to end, but I believed in us enough to be blind to it. I look forward to the day when I am moved on.